marvin59

That made me laugh, something that been in short supply. I was going to write that it smelled like I snorted a turd but I felt that might be too graphic. I have been using methylatum, it don't smell too well but is better than what I have smelling

OpioPhobe

Marvin and Ididit - I just wanted to pop in to wish you both well. I never got on methadone long-term, but I have heard all the stories and watched people coming off of it. You guys are in a class of your own when it comes to kicking opiates. Be proud because you are bearing a burden that only a fraction of a fraction of people in our modern society could bear. Hats off to both of you. I bet you eat nails for breakfast to get your iron will!

As far as the stomach issues go, I am at about 35 days off of H and my stomach is FINALLY getting back to normal. It takes a while.

TiredEnough

You're right, Opio. Those two are rockstars to me. Actually, Drummer makes three!

OpioPhobe

Oh, man. How could I leave Drummer out! I am sorry for my momentary lapse Drummer. Hats off to you too! All three of you make the Navy Seals look like boy scouts.

marvin59

Thank you for the kind words indeed. The other folks are rock stars. As I said before about the ebb and flow of withdawl, intellectually stimulates me to a point. Yesterday I mowed a small yard. Today it feels like I have hit a solid wall. Physical pain is low and I think I could have maybe just over did it a bit. Just like they say about the weather in my area. Wait five minutes and it will be completely different. This is a struggle not to be taken lightly. Oh yeah, day 11

TiredEnough

Marvin, it get what you are saying. I tried to look at my wds objectively and became somewhat fascinated with them in a semi-detached way. It became like a game of chess I could win just by going the distance. Seeing what my mind and body would throw at me next was curious but kind of insightful. I knew I wasn't going to give in so seeing it struggle and throw hail mary's toward the end was fascinating in a perverse way.

The one thing I have learned is that the trick truly is not minding that it hurts.

marvin59

You're right it is like a horrible chess game with the highest stakes. I still have it in my head and heart that I won't use pain drugs again. Unless I grow it my self. You know, I feel, I have comming off methadone for an incredibly long time. This is only day 11. I wish I could say it's been a month. Time distortion I guess. Bless you.

marvin59

I am fighting the good fight and I beating the demons that come when you let your mind idle. One snuck by my defence, it was a huge overpowering sense of loss. That took a while of thought to fend it off. It was quite a shock of how strong it was. I guess that is what I get for having a idle mind. Just a thought.

marvin59

It feels that I have been coming off of methadone for a very long time, rather than 12days. I actually got 5 hours sleep last night. I feel so fortunate to have had that much. It makes me hopeful. Still sneezing, it just doesn't give a warning. I seem to have developed a new side effect, hands are shaking. I can't wait to play my guitars again. I played two hours a day, every day. I have tried several times and beside being a physical chore, I felt like I was using someone else's hands. Didn't sound very good but then again my brain can't keep up. That is my main drive to get off of methadone. That and not forgetting to bring extra pills if I went places, I don't want to ever to be in that position again. The pills truly controlled my life. I still don't think I have taken a deep cleaning breath since I started this journey. I still have a feeling that there is huge metal band around my chest and abdomen, it is loosening a tiny bit each day. I can't wait to take my first breath of my new life.

Ididit

Opiophone and tiredenough, I can't thank you enough for all of your words of encouragement. It is people like you guys that allow to me to maintain my sobriety and hold on.

MARVIN!!!!!!!!
Hey buddy! Wow. DAY 12 FOR YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So incredibly happy to hear that. Also I am so happy to hear you got 5 hours last night. You must feel so much better and refreshed. Your body is slowly getting back to itself. Funny that you mentioned the shaky hands thing, because until this day my hands shake uncontrollably when I am in uncomfortable situations, or when I am not. They just shake. It's been 44 days for me and I am still shaking a little, I sneeze like a billion times a day, so I can totally relate to the sneezing your having. I also still get runny noses and headaches. I have cut down considerably on smoking cigarettes, so perhaps that is the reason for the headaches but I not entirely sure. Are you keeping yourself busy??? Do you feel at all that the PAWS are getting better?? Gosh I am so happy that your feeling better darling. Your message made my day. Keep reminding yourself, your actually doing this! And nobody is going to take that away from you. I'm so proud of you and I have never even met you before. Do hot baths help with the muscle aches? Did you buy any protein shakes luv?? Let me know. Keep writting, because the family here at sober recovery are all here for you.

marvin59

I got more sleep last night another five hours. That me feel so much better. However the doctors gave me some pills to force the sleep, but that's ok. Last night I found another stash of my methadone pills. I told my wife and she took them from me without asking. She put liquid soap in the bottle and tossed it. Now I understand and believe that there is no way I will ever use again. But the thing is, that pissed me off to the core. I didn't allow her to see my anger. This was the first time in 13 days I felt anger at that level. Beside my body so so weak, she would kick my ass. The anger only lasted a short time. Cause I don't have the energy for that emotion either. I hope all are doing well.

Ididit

Glad to see you are still posting. First of all, congratulations on 13 days buddy!!!!!!!!!! That's incredible, you must feel so proud. I'm happy to hear your sleep is finally coming back, 5 hours for day 12 is outstanding by my books. In a way, it is good your wife did that with your methadone pills. I understand you were angry, but holding on to those pills wouldn't serve you any good. I know this because I speak out of experience. I still have one methadone pill hiding in my room and somehow I can't get rid of it. I know it's a mental thing , I wish someone came into my room to throw it out without my knowledge. I believe subconsciously we are trying to hold onto our past by keeping our stash of methadone pills. Letting go of your stash, which was involuntary in your case, solidifies the fact that your done with methadone.
I know that anger feeling that your having. When my emotions came back, oh *** they came back and so incredibly strong. When I was sad, I was a mess. When I was angry, I wanted to shoot someone. When I was provoked or felt criticized I wanted to kill myself.... All that fun stuff. Hang in there, those emotions will cool down soon. Are you planning on seeking any aftercare treatment once the physical withdrawals subside? I am currently in an outpatient treatment program at my local hospital. And it helps tremendously. Let me know if you have any plans to seek treatment. 13 days, holy **** that's so huge!!!!!!! I'm so proud of you. Gd be with you and bless you.

marvin59

I belong to Kaiser HMO it is a very goog program, in Washington and oregon. How ever they don't seem to have that in place yet. They have been watching my progress as if I am the first to go through all this. I am in process of composing a letter, I was a chemist before I retired. So I am going to see I they would consider the idea of developing a program and a support group. I hope they will do this. There must be other people within the insurance group going through the same this.

marvin59

I wish to thank Ididit, Drummer, tiredenough and homophobe. Truly thank you from my heart. If this place and you folks were not here, it would have been much much harder. Maybe impossible. All of you folks are in my prayers.

I am pretty proud that I have made it two weeks. I would be happy and maybe I am inside, but this is just a low level energy day. I am at least sitting my sights on 30 days. I do believe I am over the hump. I haven't had overwhelmingly urge to take any drugs in a couple of days. I haven't cried or yelled at anyone. I think the thing I am feeling for a couple of days is very little emotion at all. Still sneezing all the time and my hands shaking. I have been walking, makes my muscles feel weak. Oh I still have my smells, my constant friend.

Ididit

MARVIN!!!!!! 2 weeks!!!!!!!!!!
Holy smokes! Wow. So proud of you. So, is it safe to say that majority of the psychical symptoms have subsided? Lol it's funny that you've still got the sneezing, same here. And I'm on 46 days and I sneeze all the time. So expect the sneezing to hang around for a little bit, but who cares right? Sneezing should be the least of our worries. Anyways, you SHOULD be pretty happy that you've made it 14 days, and 30 days is not too far away from now so you are well on your way there darling. Excellent news to hear that you are walking. Perhaps it makes your muscles weak, but I can guarantee you that it is also reducing your stress and anxiety levels. Great news to hear that you are walking!!!!!! I am so proud of you Marvin. What does a typical day look like for you? Are you struggling with structure or are you keeping yourself busy?? So glad that you are doing this. We can do this!!!!!!!!!!!!!

marvin59

Thank you for very kind and encouraging words.
Most of cravings are gone, sleeping is improving, still some hot and cold spells and the smells are a constant companion. I feel my body comming back. I think I looking close to taking breath for the first time in my life, that will be the day I celebrate. I am not sure what day that will be, but I think it is in sight. To day I am going start playing guitar as I did before it. I wonder if my music will change.
I read a fair amount. Oddly text books and science related, I guess it is when I was chemist. That brings something to mind, I think that is why I looked at what I have gone through and going through in kinda detached way. Like a problem that needs a solution.

marvin59

Only thing I'm going say, my guitar playing sucks. Played pretty good before. That will be my indicator when I'm truly back.

marvin59

I wish you all well, and I pray that peace has found you. Yesterday was an odd day or maybe just different. In the afternoon I layed down to relax and fell asleep. The thing is I slept for an hour, when I wool up I think I had a panic attack. Has anyone experienced any thing like that? Very odd.

Ididit

I love hearing your progress. 15 days!!!!!!! I honestly cannot believe it. That is incredible. You are coming so far along. It's so beautiful to hear how you are developing. Your half way to one month. That is huge.
The panic attack you experienced is completely normal. I got them so bad, they were terrifying. I had to go to my doctor crying explaining to her what was happening. Thank gd she gave me a two week prescription for lorazepam. This was roughly at 12 days that I got the script. Unfortunately for me, the panic attacks were consistent and frequent. I was also extremely paranoid and nervous and shaky. It really screwed up my days because I wasn't able to drive somewhere without my heart racing and sweating because I was so nervous and panicy - about nothing. My mind would play these tricks on my and send me into severe attacks, which were somewhat tolerable only if I kept myself busy. You see, the trick is to trick your brain. If your mind is occupied, it doesn't have a moment to start panicking... I found when I wasn't busy I would get bouts of anxiety that were so severe I would start crying uncontrollably. I am not sure if you are familiar with PAWS ( post acute withdrawal symptoms ) , but you should definitely take a look online regarding how to manage them, this will help along with keeping yourself busy.
And not to worry, your guitar playing will come back in no time! This time is all for you, so focus on yourself. Also a really good technique to easy anxiety is breathing and guided meditation which you can find on YouTube. It really helped me out and I'm certain it will help you too. Another way to address the anxiety attack is to write it down. Write down why you are having anxiety and the worst that can happen. We learned this technique in treatment and it really helps. Let me know if any of that helps. Keep hanging in there my friend. I am praying for you. We are doing this!!!!!!!! 15 days !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

marvin59

I am writing this at midnight when every one should be sleeping. I have been getting some sleep even that it is about two in the morning. This is much better than six in the morn. Weather is pretty nice during the days and I have been laying in the sun on my deck. Hey IDIDIT in did some looking into PAWS. Some of what I found scared the bad out me. I think I will try to keep very busy. I went to a store today first time leaving the house, and I to the dogs for stroll. Still got my smells ,sneezes and headaches but that to is improving.