Kindeyes

.......instead of trying to solve them?

I thought I would pull a question from CatsPJ's list for Step One that hit a chord with me.

How can I let go of other's problems instead of trying to solve them?

Why is it that we co-dependents are so he77 bent on fixing everyone around us, when we are just as broken? It seriously just made be laugh to write that! Who the heck do I think I am! I am really working on losing the compulsion to answer a persons problem with a solution......most specifically the A in my life. Why can't I just listen? and say.....oh....that's too bad.

Or share some of my own experiences and let them come to their own conclusion on how to fix their own problems.

Alanon and SR is helping me change those patterns. People post their problems on here all the time. My instant reaction is to tell them what they need to do to fix it.....easy.....right? I need to remember that people really need to solve their own problems but sometimes they just need a sounding board and they aren't really LOOKING for someone to solve their problems. They just want someone to understand them, empathize, share their own experience, and that's it.

I need to think that same way when I interact with my AS.

Still Waters

This isn't one of my main problems, lol. Thank goodness.

I even hesitate to relate how I handled similar things. But, I don't necessarily think that comes from being in a healthy place...I just figure I've screwed mine up so bad, who am I to give advice??

NightandDay

How can I let got of other's problems instead of trying to solve them?

I have a really good friend, who, whenever I tell her about any of my problems. . she just nods and listens and acts so calm. I F*CKING HATE IT. i find it really smug. i don't wanna be that smug person. look at me judging. well, can't help it right now.

I, of course, do have the other problem where I really think I am supposed to offer solutions to people, specifically any member of my family or my RABF.

I just wonder. . what is the point of listening to someone complain and cry about their lives if we don't offer advice? It's fine in al-anon because. . . well we are all there to work. But other people. . . I mean, GOD. I get sick of hearing the same crap over and over. I'd honestly rather not even listen. It's not my job to be a sounding board for people who aren't in recovery and working toward self-awareness, is it?? I realize this sounds harsh and maybe it's because I'm in a very selfish part of my recovery right now. . . which is figuring out what I want and how to create space for myself. So I just feel like if people wanna bug me with their problems, I'm gonna give them some advice and if they don't wanna hear it, please leave me alone. Maybe I'm involved with a whole lot of toxic people, lol. Or maybe. . HUH. . maybe my perception of their wants and needs is a little bit off. Oh, ya think N&D?? Man. . . "always put the focus back on yourself."

Okay. . . so one way for me to let go of other's problems. . for me right now, would be not to engage people in these types of discussions. And when they are foisted upon me, I will need to change the subject or leave the conversation. Sorry Kindeyes, I know you are a lot farther along than me and that might not help. But I am really feeling like I just need to remove myself from situations that tempt me to fix. At least for now. This means not taking people's phone calls, not going out a lot. . . just for now. I'm not trying to do it meanly, but it seems to be what I need at the moment.

Kindeyes

nightandday
No need to apologize to me! You have to do what is right for you! And if that is avoidance right now....then so be it! I think it's really healthy that we are examining the questions put forth in the opening of this Step. Some of us may be more affected or impacted by some of those questions than others. But just reading and reviewing and evaluating ourselves is good, positive, forward momentum in our recovery.

When I am up to my neck in my own issues, I don't have a lot of reserve for others (particularly not my AS because his issues seem so huge to me.....overwhelming). I don't think there is anything selfish about taking care of "us" first. I spent one heck of a lot of years NOT taking care of myself because I was so darn busy taking care of everyone around me. It's ok that it's MY turn to take care of ME!

How very liberating that sounds!

gentle hugs

CatsPajamas

N&D, you bring up an important point: when I was working on my recovery, I had to distance myself from some people and some friends. I was moving forward, learning recovery concepts, practicing new boundaries and behaviors, pulling out new tools to deal with life challenges. I shed some old behaviors that I learned were unhealthy for me.

I also found myself with little patience with people who constantly complained about their situations but seemed unwilling to make changes to be "unstuck". I had to not be around them for awhile. To be honest, some friendships & relationships endured and some ended, but ultimately I had to do what was best and healthiest for me. I changed the steps to the dance, and some people just couldn't deal with the new me!

After I had more recovery time and tools under my belt, I was able to spend some time with some of those people again. If I needed to change the subject, I could do it. I could listen and make comments like "wow. Huh. You don't say? How about that!" and not give advice where it wasn't mine to give. (instead of saving the universe which was my former full time job apparently)

It's a process, and sometimes it gets a little bumpy. Again, it's good to have other recovery friends to talk to about these things.

I'm so glad you're here and working on the steps with us!