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How do I respond to this?

Old 09-03-2010, 11:35 AM
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How do I respond to this?

Or should I even attempt to...

AH has told me that everytime I go to a meeting or check in with someone that has been down the addiction road (either RA or RCodie), etc. that I "seem to get worse". I know he is negatively reacting to my changing attitude, which I know is a better attitude, but obviously is not of immediate or actual benefit to the addict in one's life. What do you even say to something like this?

I simply told him as a codependent not in recovery I tolerate and absorb far more than I ever should...that I make bad decisions about my life and reactions to his substance abuse. However, I am learning that what he does is not okay, and my reaction to it has not been okay! And in working on my issues, it changes my reactions and makes it "seem" that I don't care.

I know...talking to an active addict is like talking to brick wall at times...I guess part of accepting I am "powerless" is letting these questions and comments from him roll off my back, right?

Geez, I'm proving I'm not through step one yet, LOL! Ugh...how on earth do I move forward and on to the next stuff!!!
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Old 09-03-2010, 02:59 PM
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When my axw would be quacking at me, I would calmly look her in the eye and say, "Yes". Then walk away.

Didn't matter if she accused me of being the neighborhood axe murderer, "Yes"....then walk away.

Your AH: "You know, I hate it when you go to those damed Alanon meetings, every time you go you just get WORSE. Those idiots are brain washing you. I think it's a damed cult".

You: "Yes". Then walk away/out of the room/out of the house.

Of course I only managed to do this SOME of the time. But it avoids a fight, well they still get rabid, but at least I didn't get sucked in. It was fun, like a game to NOT go there with her.

Again, I was only successful SOME of the time.

Good luck, it'll get better.


Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
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Old 09-03-2010, 08:20 PM
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There are a lot of things you can say. I start with my choice from the big 5:

"Oh"
"Wow"
"Really"
"Huh"
"You Don't Say"

and #6 from my dear friend Hangin In:

"How 'bout that?"


And of course there's always , "You may be right" and my personal favorite "It will be interesting to see how that works out for you".

It's difficult when one person in the relationship chooses a path of recovery. Behaviors change, reactions change, the steps in the dance change. There's bound to be some stumbling as you figure out new ways of dealing with things.

Recovery is a process, and your situation can improve whether the A chooses recovery or not!
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