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Guilty for existing

Old 03-09-2013, 10:41 PM
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Unhappy Guilty for existing

One thing I hate is how obsessed I am with what other people think of me. So, yeah, right now I feel like an ugly disgrace. My friends tell me I am loveable, but I hate myself and I can't take a positive thing said about me. I hate me to the core, yet I know somewhere inside I am breaking my own heart by hating myself so much.
I feel as though I should apologise for posting here. I feel as though I should apologise for existing. I AM sorry. I am so sorry. I don't want to be negative or bring anyone down. And I'm new here so maybe I will be shunned for being a downer, but I. Reaching out right now, with all that I have. Please. I want to go back to the place where I don't loathe myself. The longst I was sober was about 75 days two years ago, and I never felt better. I was also sober for a majority of that time around that period, with occasional binges that left me hating myself and devastated.
I am surrounded by drinking culture. I live in a place where drinking is an activity, and I can't move again because I have school and other commitments here.
I'm sorry for ranting. I just need to get this out. I can't put on a brave face anymore. It is killing me. I can't pretend everything is fine. I so desperately want to be proud of myself again, and I know that if I quit drinking I will get there, but I forget this whenever the voice in my head convinces me that I will feel great if I party. Why do I think that? Why can't I just be normal and do normal, non drinking activities without obsessing the whole time about drinking?
Den right now I am forgetting that drinking sucks, and I am feeling as though all this stress would go away if I could just go drink. Why?! Why, when I give in and decide to drink, does it feel as though the world is my oyster, but when I sit here, like this, hating myself and desperately wanting to be sober, I feel like the scum of the earth?
I am sorry to everyone in the world. I am sorry for existing. Maybe I am the most selfish narcissistic melodramatic scum there is? Maybe I just pretend I am a good person so people will like me to feed my ego? I don't know what is going on but I am doubting everything and I need serious help.
If anyone could spare a kind word it would mean more than anything. I am sorry.
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Old 03-09-2013, 10:52 PM
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Wilting, I spent a good number of years feeling the same way you describe, not all of the time but so much of the time that it felt like it was all the time. It's agonizing, I know.

Right now, I'm just sick of making myself sick from drinking. It's ridiculous that any person would do this to themselves, but here we are, eh?

I think you are right that if you quit drinking you will get there and I believe the same for myself.
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Old 03-09-2013, 11:03 PM
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The thought that anyone else ever feels this way breaks my heart, so why I think I deserve it is beyond me, but here I am, thinking I do. And maybe I do. I have no idea anymore.
I sincerely hope, Obladi, that you don't feel like this anymore. Or if you do, that it is infrequent enough as to be able to be ridden out, so to speak. People always say to me "ride it out, it will pass" but I feel as though I have been riding for so long that my proverbial soul is saddle sore, and the horse is dying. I won't quit yet though. I can't. I know nothing else but to keep on. And keep on I will.
I wish I had a kind of way to "look" at my hours/days/weeks sober (merely 20hours right now), so I could hold it as a physical form. So I could nurture it as one might an infant, or a flower.
Thank you, Internet, and thank you community, and thank you members, for giving me a place to manifest feeling in to words and have a glimmer of hope that somewhere, someone can relate.
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Old 03-09-2013, 11:07 PM
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Wilting, I was thinking the exact same thing 10 months ago. I was ready to give up on life. I found SR and asked a lot of questions. The wonderful people on here gave me hope that I can quit and helped me begin to take my life back. It really is possible to change our lives and it gets better if we quit drinking. Stay with us and Keep posting. It really will help you gain the stength needed.
I wish you strength.
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Old 03-09-2013, 11:11 PM
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Also congrats on 20 hours! Keep it going I know very well how tough those first days are, but it will get better.
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Old 03-09-2013, 11:19 PM
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It's amazing what a few kind words can do. I can see this place becoming integral to my success.
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Old 03-10-2013, 12:02 AM
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Wilting, We are really happy to know that you have started feeling better. This is just the beginning.. We have been through the same situation earlier.. From all the ups and downs of our active alcoholic life , we realize that we, too felt guilty for being existent. But in fact we did not hate ourselves. We hated ourselves with alcohol in our body. We actually hated alcohol but we felt we loved it because it gave us instant fixes and reliefs., But those reliefs were illusions . Alcohol just put a curtain in front of the reality and we slept well behind that curtain and we thought the reality looks much better through that curtain. When curtain was gone, we started hating our selves. and we wanted that curtain again.. Endless loop . We were always lovable and responsible. Hence, once the curtain is gone for ever, we have started to see that we are not worthless. . Wish you all the best.
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Old 03-10-2013, 12:16 AM
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Thank you <3
Just being in this forum for the last few hours has helped me tremendously. I know it's early days yet, but I am going to cling to everything positive until my knuckles are white.
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Old 03-10-2013, 12:20 AM
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Originally Posted by Wilting View Post
People always say to me "ride it out, it will pass" but I feel as though I have been riding for so long that my proverbial soul is saddle sore, and the horse is dying. I won't quit yet though. I can't.
Bless you Wilting :ghug3

What you have described is practically identical to the reasons I drank. I have been sober a little over a year now and the 'riding it out' idea seemed a bit ridiculous to me too. Hating myself and doubting everything I do seems to be my base line. I have ups and downs around that but that seems to be the most common feeling I have. But giving up drinking gave me so much hope and a sense of pride I have never had before. I had faith in the people here and the support I received and I believed them when they said it gets better. It actually does But it was less to do with feeling better so I didn't drink and more to do with knowing I can feel bad and not drink, and then I feel good about that, if that makes any sense. I honestly believe that being happy is a skill we have to learn. Start focussing on any good stuff in your life, what are your strengths, what have you done well (those 75 days for a start!). But give up drinking first, and try and ride it out without drinking, the more you do that the more you will realise that the way you feel does not have to dictate the way you act. And working on the way you feel is something you can do separately to the drinking thing. Remember, focus on the positive stuff for now xxx
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Old 03-10-2013, 12:28 AM
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That does make sense, hypochondriac. It makes complete sense to me, and good for you for making a year sober! I'm worried about a week! Especially because I'm involved in the music biz, and we all know that rock lifestyle :/ I've never been sober around drunk friends, so it's going to be very very hard. Ill do it though.
I've messaged my closest friends and told them I don't want to drink anymore. That was a hard but necessary and positive step, I think.
Jeez, I sound a bit more positive even now compared to before. Yay emotional roller coasters. I know I'll go down again, but hopefully I can deal with it, and maybe if I rant and rave here it may help externalise some of the angst. Heh.
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Old 03-10-2013, 01:31 AM
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I have a recovering alcoholic friend who is a touring musician and has been sober for over 20 years so I know it's possible Have there been times when you have been working when you've had to be sober? x
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Old 03-10-2013, 01:37 AM
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One of my best performances happened because I got to the gig ten minutes before I had to go on, so could only get one drink in before going up onstage.
The things was, without the alcohol, I was so nervous that my legs were literally shaking, and I was convinced I was out of tune the entire time. I went off stage at the end about to burst into tears, when all of my friends came up to me and told me I nailed it. I didn't miss one note! I was so surprised. I didn't have the false confidence of alcohol, and had no idea that I'd done really well. It was... Strange.
I also do better at band practice when I am sober. But when there is beer, there is a drunken wilted. It's a shame :/
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Old 03-10-2013, 01:40 AM
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And perhaps I mean wilting, not wilted. Lol, forgot my own user name. Yes. I am actually sober. Just daft.
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Old 03-10-2013, 05:00 AM
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You are obsessed with what people think of you?

I grew up that way to... Until... I figured out that to be liked I had a few things I had to do.

1. I had to like myself.
2. I had to understand that one of the things in life I could control the least is what people did or thought about things.

When I put those two things together I figured out that ... Wow? I like who I have become over time.... Took work... Stopped drinking.... And those that like me will... Those that don't... Won't.

I still today when speaking to people at work find it very uncomfortable for people to like me. Just Friday they came to my desk. Different people at different times. Just to say hello. I felt odd.

Smile today. Take the time to spend treating yourself kind. Let other be themselves and when they see you likeing you? Well....

Sorry to ramble but I have been there and feel very passionately when I see others in that spot.

K
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