One thing I hate is how obsessed I am with what other people think of me. So, yeah, right now I feel like an ugly disgrace. My friends tell me I am loveable, but I hate myself and I can't take a positive thing said about me. I hate me to the core, yet I know somewhere inside I am breaking my own heart by hating myself so much.
I feel as though I should apologise for posting here. I feel as though I should apologise for existing. I AM sorry. I am so sorry. I don't want to be negative or bring anyone down. And I'm new here so maybe I will be shunned for being a downer, but I. Reaching out right now, with all that I have. Please. I want to go back to the place where I don't loathe myself. The longst I was sober was about 75 days two years ago, and I never felt better. I was also sober for a majority of that time around that period, with occasional binges that left me hating myself and devastated.
I am surrounded by drinking culture. I live in a place where drinking is an activity, and I can't move again because I have school and other commitments here.
I'm sorry for ranting. I just need to get this out. I can't put on a brave face anymore. It is killing me. I can't pretend everything is fine. I so desperately want to be proud of myself again, and I know that if I quit drinking I will get there, but I forget this whenever the voice in my head convinces me that I will feel great if I party. Why do I think that? Why can't I just be normal and do normal, non drinking activities without obsessing the whole time about drinking?
Den right now I am forgetting that drinking sucks, and I am feeling as though all this stress would go away if I could just go drink. Why?! Why, when I give in and decide to drink, does it feel as though the world is my oyster, but when I sit here, like this, hating myself and desperately wanting to be sober, I feel like the scum of the earth?
I am sorry to everyone in the world. I am sorry for existing. Maybe I am the most selfish narcissistic melodramatic scum there is? Maybe I just pretend I am a good person so people will like me to feed my ego? I don't know what is going on but I am doubting everything and I need serious help.
If anyone could spare a kind word it would mean more than anything. I am sorry.
