GerandTwine

Jess,

It's not so easy to stop thoughts. It is very easy to not swallow something.
In AVRT, the very idea you need to "shut up that nagging..." comes from your AV itself. How harmful is a thought? IT, and the Recovery Group Movement, wants you to think thoughts are dangerous because YOU are powerless. Not powerless over your thoughts, but powerless over NOT ACTING upon your thoughts.

Well, tell IT to wiggle your fingers against YOUR will. See? No can do. As Soberlicious so nicely put it, you can easily put those harmless thoughts out with the garbage. In other words, SEPARATE those thoughts FROM YOU. They are just inappropriate residual static from being a living, pleasure driven form of life. The old ASSAULT of drunken pleasure is over; the huge variety and degree of nuanced pleasures common to a tee-totaling life are yours for the taking.

What does it mean to you now to know someday you will have completely forgotten the actual sensation of being under any influence of alcohol? Would that be time to try some moderation, again?

GT

MythOfSisyphus

What GerandTwine says is really key, the whole heart of AVRT- that voice can't even make you wiggle a finger, much less take a drink. That voice is always gonna be there. It's the same voice that tells you to pretend your sick to get out of school when you're a kid and the voice that tells you to have one more cookie or candy bar. It's just pure desire, the animal part of you that craves pleasure. That voice is healthy much of the time and even when it's not it's still part of you. The simple truth is you don't let that little voice call the shots!

jkb

I definitely am not going to take a drink. There is nothing going on in my life right now that a drink couldn't really screw up....lol. I am quitting my job to pursue the career I want and I am considering leaving a LT relationship but, a drink... no thanks. My beast is just super annoying right now.

GT- there will be no acting on these thoughts and I suppose there is no way to STOP them. Moderation is not and will never be an option for me because I chose never to drink again. And as I type that my beast is throwing a hissy fit....

MOS- Thanks for the feedback. I get that I am just "missing the illusion", I sure as hell don't miss the reality.

Jess

jkb

Well, I did it. I just put in my resignation at the job I have been at for the last 7 years. It was not an easy decision however, through sobriety things have become clearer. This is the definition of a dead end job in a dead end town that I really don't want to retire in. I debated trying to keep it part time but, they weren't keen on that idea and so it is off to my other job I go.

I am filled with trepidation now as to what the future holds but, the other job is working with my degree and the money is a little better there. Of-course nothing is as good financially as working 2 FT jobs like I have been but, there is also little that is that exhausting. And after 4 months of doing it..... I am exhausted. 80 hour work weeks leave little time for much else.

I am in search of balance.

Today though I am just sad............

Jess

doggonecarl

My sister is nurse, she works with the terminally ill. One thing she has learned is this: We rarely regret what we've done. We usually make peace with those decisions. What we regret is what we didn't do.

You are doing. You will move forward and deal with what happens, when it happens. And sober.

Thus is life. Good luck.

jkb

Thanks for that Carl. It means a lot to me.

For many years I was a counselor and a drunk (at the same time). Eventually, I got a DUI and thus my career was done for awhile. The job I am moving on to is in my field and pays me to go back to school. However, it is not a high paying glamorous job. So, of-course it is a bit nerve wracking. The hours are terrible compared to the bankers hours I have here but, I am happy at that job.

I just keep reminding myself that the only constant is change...

Jess

jkb

Today is my last day at this job. I cannot believe I will be going to a different job tomorrow. That I wont be coming here, sitting at this desk and doing what I have done every weekday morning for the last 7 years.

Yesterday they threw me a very sad luncheon. This is the longest I have ever been at a job and it is the only "real" job I have not been fired from for drinking. I had two counseling jobs (one for 4 years and one for 2) but, both ended in me "resigning" to save face and there was definitely not a going away party. I am super emotional about it. Ambivalent is the perfect word.

Tonight I will be attending the big "end of season" party and a drink sounds great to my beast. After all there will be lots of drinks and "Hey, its your last opportunity and its just one night... a real reason to celebrate, right. Your not even making it up as an excuse" says the beast....

I have a BP. Drinking is not an option..... Just thought I would throw out my thoughts this morning.

Change is HARD.

Jess

freshstart57

You don't want to drink, it's your beast that wants to drink. In fact, you want NOT to drink. Change might be a challenge, but not drinking is not hard - it is your beast that says that sobriety is difficult, not you. YOU know how easy it is - it is as easy as putting your hand in your pocket.

Congratulations on your new job, Jess. Another chance for renewal, an opportunity for growth has been given you. It is change, but we cannot grow without it. You are awesome, and brave, and a badass, Jess. Onward!

13unluckyforsom

Change is hard but without it we stay the same jess u don't want to drink and you know it - your beast for some reason is a complete idiot lol just like mine - they paint these wee pictures of sophisticated drinking a glass of nice cold wine but they never quite get to the part where you embarisangly say or do something wrong or 5 months down the line when the shines been taken off the sparkly wine glass and the nice taste and your drinking to straighten up for the day. U know your one of my fav people here and I know u are just making yourself accountable your gonna go and your gonna be fine and as sad as it might be leaving this job u have something better waiting on you and from change comes growth.

MeredithD1

how's the new job going, Jess? When I was working, the longest I held a job was three years. Switching jobs is a big deal, whether you do it a few times or a lot of times. And during any time of transformational change, the beast likes to try and edge in. But I don't want to walk the same path again. Transformation is about the new way.

jkb

Hi All-

Man i have been to busy to hop on SR lately... I like the new job. Still a bit wierded out by the fact that I only work 40 hours a week now....lol.

My daughter is turning 16 in a few days. I had her when I was 22 but, now I am like "Damn, it seems like just yesterday i was turning 25. When did I become almost 40..." Wow!!!!! Maybe its just that a lot of people I know have thier kids in thier late 30's and mine is already all grown up... who knows but, its wierd.

Anyway, I am taking the classes I have been putting off and still getiing used to the wierd hours but, all is well.

My beast was acting up today. I usually ignore him pretty easily but, here and there it gets me to thinking...."when do i get to drink again". Then I recognize its not me and move on.

Since I work in a recovery field now drinking would mean no job... if they found out. Anyway, I work with a lot of people in AA and the director asked me if I would be willing to do a RR approach with some of the clients. I thought that was quite open minded and told him I would look into getting qualified. Crazy.

So, despite this job being just a stepping stone on the way out of here it has worked out ok so far. Still plan on moving back nearer to my mom eventually but, for now its all ok.

I missed you guys. And thanks 13... you are a great cyber-friend too.

Jess

soberlicious

I love reading your updates so thanks for posting. Isn't it crazy to look at all the twists and turns our lives can take? I'm extremely happy that you will be sharing knowledge and opening up options for addicted individuals. You will touch lives on a profound level.

jkb

For about the last two weeks I just feel like drinking. All the time. Losing everything and going back to the bottle. Haven't done it. Not sure why. Despite so many great things in my life that are happening... I just miss the buzz.

Oh well, thought I would post about it.

Jess

doggonecarl

But you don't drink now. Ever. So feeling like drinking doesn't matter.

What I feel like sometimes is drinking without the consequences. But since that will never happen, because there will always be consequences, how I feel about drinking is moot. Drinking isn't an option.

Stay strong, try to bolster your recovery, maybe post more to SR.

13unluckyforsom

Hey Jess (hug) first and foremost - secondly and most importantly you said it yourself that drinking again would cause you to lose everything. Try saying that in the mirror out loud - you will see how incredibly uncomfortable that feels to you. You haven't drank because you jess don't want to. Your beast has latched on to a bad day or a bad patch or feeling youve been having and seen this as the ideal opportunity. Well it's not. Because you don't drink. Ever. Especially not now.

A bad day doesn't = a bad life as long as we stay in control. But if you take that drink watch how quick it crashes down.

Sorry if I sound horrible - I don't mean to be because your obviously hurting about something but you need to kick that beast back into his hole. I'm always here if you need a chat. X

FT

Ditto that.

Even after not drinking for twenty some years now, there are days when I "feel like drinking." But I am a non-drinker, so it doesn't matter. I wouldn't act on that.

What I really feel like doing in those moments is having the magical ability to feel uplifted when I am grumpy, or tired, or otherwise somehow less than optimal. Yes, I used to "treat" those feelings with booze.

I dittoed another poster on another thread about how one stays "vigilant" that vigilance is not required for someone who is a non-drinker. You just do what other non-drinkers do -- something else.

I doubt there are few among us here who don't sometimes feel "the old feeling" that would have once led to drinking alcohol or using a substance. I admit that it does take time to own your new self-identity as a non-drinker. But eventually it becomes second nature and those thoughts come and go without giving us pause.

GerandTwine

Hi Jess,

It's good to hear from YOU in this YOUR most recent post from a month ago. I see your BEAST managed to commandeer your fingers and typed a post here just yesterday using your name and your pronoun "I".

The recovery group movement and the addiction treatment profession are the breeding grounds for keeping the BEAST alive and well. So, in your new work, I'm sure you see all kinds of BEAST activity in everyone there all the time. But that doesn't mean you can't do AVRT perfectly for yourself.

GT

FT

GerandTwine,

Thanks for bringing the thread full circle back to the OP. I just hopped on this thread today without reading the whole thing through. Some of the longer threads tend to lose the point of the OP.

Jess,

Congratulations on all your fantastic progress. You have a lot to celebrate and be proud of. You have stayed true to your Big Plan and that is HUGE.

FT

fini

I just feel like drinking. All the time. Losing everything and going back to the bottle

Jess,
the drinking option is off the table, yes?
i ask with a question mark because when you say "feel like" i don't know exactly what you mean by it...you mean you "want" to or that you consider doing it?
for me, those are different things entirely.

it might be useful to look at the second part of what i quoted.
you feel like losing everything? everything that has been successful for you is now...too much in some kind of pressure way? easier/better/more comfortable-seeming 6to be back in the horrid despair-rut?

is it about struggling with "success", in a way?

just wondering what might be "behind" it; it's so easy to keep the focus on "wannadrink" in place instead of shoving it aside to see if there's something else really going on.

but when the option to drink is off the table, then...we're left with the rest to figure out. for myself, i figure that "the rest" can manifest as "wanna drink", even though it has nothing at all to do with drinking. it's about wanting to "solve" something about where i'm at.

jkb

As all of you reminded me so well drinking is not an option. So, many great points put up here... and I thank each of you for all of them.

doggone- yep it would be great to drink...without the consenquences.

13- so true. Definitely a rough patch but, I choose to stay in control.

FT- thank you so much for the empathy and understanding. Even alot of times now I am fine with a brief thought of drinking. It is awesome to know that I am not abnormal to still think of a drink.

GT- yeah, i do think that some of it stems from focusing so much on drinking/not drinking every day with clients at work. It is strange as I typed I knew the beast was really the one typing away.....I have found AVRT to be perfect for me. Even if my beast acts up here and there.

Hi fini- no you are correct drinking is not an option. I just wish sometimes that not wanting to drink was also not an option. I dont know if that makes sense but......
What I really feel like doing in those moments is having the magical ability to feel uplifted when I am grumpy, or tired, or otherwise somehow less than optimal. Yes, I used to "treat" those feelings with booze-quote FT

the above I with whole heartedly. However, I remain sober. And one day I hope that I wont wish to drink anymore...EVER. I guess that day is just not here. Hell, if FT can still have an occasional drinking thought after 20 years I best not hold my breath...lol.

to all of you,
Jess