And the Big Plan is made...

Old 01-24-2014, 06:44 AM
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The shift that occurs after making the BP is amazing. It's like the brain has just gone through a good scrubbing. A light bulb kind of moment.

I've loved watching you transform jkb. Truly and honor.
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Old 01-26-2014, 09:50 AM
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Thanks to you all.....

The decision is made to leave it is now just about the when and how parts. When do I tell him? How will he react? What to do from here?

He can tell I am not feeling this anymore but, once I say it..... well, its said, you know? And we are stuck in this lease and it is not like one of us can realistically move out. Both of us gave up our places to move in the new place and neither one of us wants the monthly bills alone.

Part of me thinks maybe I should just stick it out for another 6 months until the lease is up and then tell him but, that is kind-of like living in a purgatory for both of us. At-least once its said maybe we can plan some way out.

It is tough. I spent 7 years with him on/off. Longer than I was with my ex-husband. I think I stayed for a long time because I was so sick but now, as I get better... well, I am just changing and he is not. It is truly a case of outgrowing the whole thing. I am no longer a weak co-dependent wreck. I see that I deserve to be truly happy.

Why could I not have figured this out before we moved in together?????



Jess
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Old 01-29-2014, 07:50 AM
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Wow... sometimes life is just tough as hell. I am not in a very good place mentally. It feels as if everything is spiraling out of control... Like I am on a roller coaster and it just keep going round and round and I am waiting for that big DROP but, just cant see when it is coming.

I screamed as loud as I could in my car this morning on the way to work. I cant sleep. I cant think clearly and working 16 hours a day on 4/5 hours sleep is not good.

I have started having this "psychogenic dizziness" (just learned that term yesterday from my doctor) it started about two weeks ago... It is a weird scary feeling that is like depersonalization with vertigo at the same time. I am not sure how I "got it" but, according to my doctor it is either the way my brain is attempting to deal with extreme stress or it could be something wrong with my inner ear. Those are two very different things..... I felt like saying so I am crazy or my inner ear is telling me I am crazy but, whatever. I will see an ENT specialist next and if they cant figure it out...then a neurologist.

I am learning that I have no idea how to be normal. I have no idea what "normal" is and the first year of sobriety all I have learned is that I have no coping skills, no confidence, and live in fear ALL THE TIME.....I think what I need is a plan.

Anyway, for obvious reasons I cant go running around telling people any of that so.... if anyone read this "thanks" and if not it still feels good to write it all out.

Oh wait... one nice thing... thoughts of drinking come but, BP is in place. I know I will never drink again. Not over my LT relationship, not over anxiety, and not over my damn inner ear. .

Hugs,

Jess
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Old 01-29-2014, 09:22 AM
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Wow. Never heard of the disorder before but after googling it, it sounds eerily similar to what I've experienced before. I'll have to mention it to my therapist.

Hang in there, Jess. We're cheering for you.
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Old 01-29-2014, 02:17 PM
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Jess,
learning "how to be normal"...whatever normal is...makes sense that you don't know yourself this way, the naked way, that you're still uncovering/discovering.
yes, a plan sounds like a good idea.
and i don't know what "normal" is, really, but will say that 16 hours working per day sounds way out of whack as far as balance of any kind....can you cut back on that so you can catch your breath at least?

i'm a truckdriver - the value of having a vehicle to scream in is immeasurable!!
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Old 02-01-2014, 07:46 AM
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Thanks for the replies,

I would like to cut back on work but, right now is a really busy time of year for me. Last week I cut it back to just doing doubles on 2 days. I only had one day off but, felt more rested. Anyway, I am taking propranolol now its for blood pressure but, helps with this particular type of vertigo as well.

And everything else seems to be a bit calmer. My living/relationship situation remains problematic but, too be honest I think I am going to ignore that issue until I have the mental capacity and time to deal with it. Right now is not a good time. I know from statements we have made to each other that we are mutually aware of the "elephant in the room" however, we are kind-of stuck. So, it all is what it is.

Anyway, as someone famous who I am too busy to google once said, "the only constant is change".

Jess
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Old 02-01-2014, 08:14 AM
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I grew up with a large Pink Elephant, my Mother....She was like "Throw Momma From The Train", with Danny De Vito playing my part !!!!!!!!!!!
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Old 02-02-2014, 01:24 PM
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2/2/13 I started this thread. I cant believe a year has gone by and so much has happened. I have dealt with my mom getting sick, my dog dying, a vacation, PAWS, braces, and tons of beast activity. I have decided to drink...twice. I have dealt with that too.

Rational Recovery has helped me immeasurably. Without it I would not be sober today. Learning how to recognize the beast and separate from it has truly changed my life. I have no "cravings" for alcohol for the most part. I don't need to attend a meeting or do an inventory... I am just sober.

All of you that helped me through this year... Thank you. I have not achieved the perfection that I had hoped for and when I started this thread I thought I had made a Big Plan. Little did I know....I was not anywhere near ready for a BP.

However, I am now. I have learned so much in this past year. I live my life without alcohol and I am happy. I like the person I have become. I am a definite work in progress but, I feel as if I am getting there.

Jess
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Old 02-03-2014, 07:43 PM
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Originally Posted by jkb View Post
I live my life without alcohol and I am happy. I like the person I have become.
Yep yep!
Love this.
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Old 03-02-2014, 08:13 AM
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Wasn't sure where to post so I thought here was as good a place as any. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME ???????? The last two months or so I feel very unsettled. I feel like the only thing that has changed for me is that I no longer drink. I know deep down that is not true.

I mean I got another job that I really wanted so, now I work two jobs.

I am raising a teenager which is stressful under the best of circumstances but, it seems the longer I am sober the more she acts out. Not sure if this is my imagination.

I am still stuck in this relationship due to a lease and fear of regretting leaving at 37 to start over again.

I feel old.

I still hate this stupid place I live despite knowing that I will not make the kind of money I am making here, anywhere else.

I still feel trapped.... I still feel unhappy.

Of-course the beast loves this sh*t thinking and is preying on it. I have no real thoughts of saying "f*ck it lets have a drink beast.... me and you" however, it is there. I tend to ignore it but, occasionally, especially the last few weeks, I have been entertaining it more than I used to.

I just feel so f***ing trapped and isolated. I feel like there has just got to be more.......

Jess
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Old 03-02-2014, 10:24 AM
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That's quite a list of things going on. Glad you are staying sober. Imagine how much worse drinking would make it.

37 is not old.

Now, cheer up, dammit.
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Old 03-02-2014, 06:04 PM
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Originally Posted by jkb View Post
Wasn't sure where to post so I thought here was as good a place as any. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME ???????? The last two months or so I feel very unsettled. I feel like the only thing that has changed for me is that I no longer drink. I know deep down that is not true.
Hi Jess,

Upon feeling so unsettled, the first next thought that "...the only thing that has changed for me is that I no longer drink." reveals that these negative feelings are, if not wholly, primarily attributable to your Beast. You are feeling IT and by using AVRT, you can attribute those negative feelings to IT and not YOU.

Remember, we forget the pain drinking has caused in our lives faster than we forget the old pleasure from being under the influence of alcohol. I suspect IT is taking advantage of that to try and get you to think it was stupid to make a Big Plan. (In my case, I call that Beast idea of "stupidity" of making the Big Plan the absolute joy of having found the only route I know to gradually return to a state of innocence regarding mind altering drug use. You see, I no longer remember what it feels like to be under the influence of alcohol or drugs. It did take a number of years for the memories of the sensation of pleasure to evaporate.)

As to what YOU are feeling, take good notice of what's behind YOUR expressing "deep down I know [what IT says] is not true".

I mean I got another job that I really wanted so, now I work two jobs.

I am raising a teenager which is stressful under the best of circumstances but, it seems the longer I am sober the more she acts out. Not sure if this is my imagination.
Here again is IT. Your Beast wants you to think your daughter is acting out BECAUSE you are no longer drinking. "Go on, have a drink and she'll be much more manageable."

I am still stuck in this relationship due to a lease and fear of regretting leaving at 37 to start over again.

I feel old.

I still hate this stupid place I live despite knowing that I will not make the kind of money I am making here, anywhere else.

I still feel trapped.... I still feel unhappy.

Of-course the beast loves this sh*t thinking and is preying on it. I have no real thoughts of saying "f*ck it lets have a drink beast.... me and you" however, it is there. I tend to ignore it but, occasionally, especially the last few weeks, I have been entertaining it more than I used to.
If you have a Big Plan (I will never drink again.) then it is not possible to "entertain" IT without your intentionally playing the "double agent" pretending to go along with IT just to see what IT comes up with. That's called "shifting" in Addictive Voice Recognition Technique.

I just feel so f***ing trapped and isolated. I feel like there has just got to be more.......

Jess
Shifting invariably flushes IT out and exposes ITs ridiculous logic, and IT ends up feeling trapped and isolated within you, because YOU understand reason, YOUR human values, YOUR ability to make long term plans, and, most importantly in regard to what these threads are all about, what it meant to decide "I will never drink again." That is an irrevocable pledge. I thank my lucky stars (and grey matter) that I have the capacity to make such a pledge.

Struggles and accomplishments in life are real. Their variety is part of what makes it interesting. You've brought up some excellent examples in your last post. Disconnecting it all from future drinking/drugging is what AVRT does so well. Yes, AVRT gives us a huge freedom of time and choice compared to being "in recovery".

If you've got "AVRT: The New Cure for Substance Addiction" by Jack Trimpey, you might get something out of reviewing "Part II: AVRT the Book Course".

GT
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Old 03-02-2014, 07:40 PM
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Jess,
to me, it stands to reason that after a good while of not getting drunk and not using that ready escape/fix-all/don't-give-a-**** all the discontents that were and are simply there, come now into more focus. we see better. we notice what's not satisfactory. if you read on recovery forums (and i know you do), you can see this all over the place. people unhappy with their partners, their friends, their families, their lives. their reality.
took me a while longer than you, or maybe it just took longer before i really acknowledged how stuck i felt and was.

getting unstuck takes time, and new learning. risk.

i really do think it takes quite a while to get to know ourselves once we quit. was so for me, anyway. maybe some of it is expectations, still, that you harbored of things that you figured not drinking would fix.

and i notice that you're talking about feelings. in the posts before these, you were also talking of feelings; then, you said you felt happy. now, you feel unhappy. but basically not much has changed in the last few months in your outward reality, but your feelings about it are....and they might change again.

not trying to give a rah-rah pep talk, but no, i don't think there's anything "wrong" with you.
just a tough time knowing you need to make some decisions about the partner and the place and the direction.all tough stuff, and knowing what to do and then doing it are different things.
i find it difficult to be okay with myself in the circumstances where i feel i'm not living in accordance with what i think is of "higher value", yet, it takes a while to be willing to bear the costs.
from what you're saying, it sounds like a woman knowing she's facing change but not quite ready yet to let go of the "old".

and by the way, if 37 is old, then i'm ancient, of course.
my oldest daughter is 37. was a hell of a teenager, but we've talked about that
they get over it, Jess.

(and you didn't say you ARE old, but that you FEEL that way.)
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Old 03-03-2014, 12:03 AM
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Hang in there! Eventually in sobriety the understanding hits us like a ton of bricks- simply being sober isn't all there is! There are still problems, challenges and tribulations, and sometimes life still sucks. But life is often only possible, even the sucky stuff, when we're sober. There's not one problem life has thrown at me that I can honestly say would have been better handled if I was still drunk.

Sometimes I think the hardest thing about sobriety is that it strips away all my best excuses.
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Old 03-03-2014, 07:21 AM
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I think feeling lost and utterly confused about what to do is a major part of the daily human condition. That's why we seek relief, whether in the anesthesia of alcohol and drugs, the drug-like effects of religion or any obsession taken too far. Once we have gotten back on our own two feet, the underlying emotional landscape still needs to find balance and perspective. I can tell when I'm off-balance and need to refocus on what works to find some equilibrium. I believe we have the answers within, but sometimes they are obscured by the circumstances of daily life.

JKB, if I were in your shoes, I'd go do a mini-retreat for a couple of days, sit with myself, let the emotions and crazy thoughts flow and consciously let go of it all. Get a massage. Walk on a beach or by a lake and reconnect with nature and your true self. We all have goodness and grace within and from there comes the strength to rise above the fear and doubt of daily life. Let that harsh inner judge and critical parental voice dissolve and let yourself be you. No matter what happens, you will be OK. Just be true to yourself.
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Old 03-03-2014, 07:23 AM
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Old 03-03-2014, 09:07 AM
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that you harbored of things that you figured not drinking would fix. -Quote fini
it sounds like a woman knowing she's facing change but not quite ready yet to let go of the "old".- Quote fini

Yep fini,

As always you hit the nail on the head. Looking back I think I really thought that everything was going to be better now that I don't drink...lol. All life's issues would just fade away and be no more. Yeah right.

GT-

Man, you can spot that beast. My copy of RR is sitting in my nightstand. May need to pull it out. Looking at it from that perspective I see that I am making a correlation that does not exist (or at least my beast is). None of these issues are truly affected by my not drinking. Except that by not drinking I am not exacerbating any of my problems. Life is soooooo much easier without a drink. The thought of going back needs to stop. As you said with my BP in place there is no choice. However, how do I shut up that nagging, "Never say never, just one wont kill you" voice? "BP's are stupid. No one decides to never do something.... why not go to a meeting?" it says.

dOg-

You also brink up a very valid point. I have been working 65-75 hours per week EVERY WEEK for months now. Not to mention it has been cold and not so inviting outside for what feels like an eternity. I am hoping to take off a few days in April (well to take my daughter to a specialist 4 hours away) but, maybe I should make that a "mini-retreat". I can only take 4 days off but still. I could use a few days to clear my head.

Anyway, it all is what it is...drunk or sober. Its just better sober. My beast is just coming to terms with the idea of "never" I guess. If nothing else at least this gave me a chance to vent. Thanks,

Jess
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Old 03-03-2014, 09:08 AM
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Oh yeah and Non-

You are so freakin' awesome. ((((Hugs)))

Jess
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Old 03-03-2014, 10:24 AM
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Any sort of challenge in life can be used by the beast. It's funny, really, when you think about it. The beast is so predictable, so transparent...it's just so two-thousand-and-late.

I see that you are ignoring the obvious whining craptalk from the beast. The things you need to do in your life have zero to do with alcohol consumption and *you* know that. The very second it comes up into thought or inner conversation, dismiss it. Take it out to the curb like the trash it is.

Only the beast wants to make day to day reality about drinking, there is no natural connection otherwise.

I understand how you are feeling right now. What would make you happy? How can you get there?

What do you do for fun? I think that a lot of people dismiss fun as not necessary, too time consuming, or as a luxury in life. It is not for me. Planning and doing things that are fun for me, just for the joy of doing them, makes the sh!tty times easier. Fun could be big or small, could be free or it might cost a little, solitary or with others.

I've struggled a lot with the same feelings you're having. When people would advise me to do something fun, or to exercise, or to laugh, it would make me want to slap them. How could such simple things make a difference in my very complicated life? Actually that sh!t works more often than not for me, it might for you too.
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Old 03-04-2014, 06:37 AM
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Very true SL. Forgetting to stop and smell the roses here and there. I have been exhausting myself lately. You may be on to something because thoughts of drinking are followed with "relaxing and fun". Maybe I just need some relaxing and fun times.

What would make me happy? That really is the BIG question that I ask myself all the time. I suppose it is a question a lot of people grapple with considering my old idea of happy was drinking myself into coma or blackout....

Thanks,
Jess
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