doorknob

I'm so full now, I couldn't drink a beer if I wanted to... maybe you could drink a bunch of soda or water so you feel really full.

Bamboozle

I just ate a mango...I'll probably eat some more food (but that's bad, because I have a very unhealthy relationship with food.....oh, well...). I think I'm going to go watch some TV.

Bamboozle

That's funny...I've taken that approach several times...it does work, but it's an easy way to gain weight fast.

doorknob

I've done that with near beer. Pick up a sixer, slam 2 for that bloated feeling, and not want to drink anymore. Unfortunately, that doesn't work for weed...

Bamboozle

After I got off of the computer to watch TV, I feel asleep and didn't wake up until about 2.5 hours ago. Phew! That was close...today is going to be another danger day...


Hello, DK. I don't know what to say...I've been off and on drinking lately. I had 69 days sober (the longest yet) a couple of months ago and then I caved...these past two months have been hard. I can't seem to get on track--I keep derailing. I'll make it a week sober here and there...I feel like this nasty beast has control of me. I tell it to go away and it doesn't listen. It's starting to **** me off...but sometimes being pissed off isn't enough...Ahh....

Ananda

well...it is a check in thread....I am really out of sorts today...probably shouldn't post since 1. I don't really have time and 2. I'm likely to regret anything i say from this state of mind.

I'm going to pay bills right now...thats all i'm gonna think about...gonna get it done no matter how bad the damage is...yep, about to run out of money.

then I will clean my house

Then I will get the gd dm christmas tree

Full range of emotions from start to finished...scared, hurt, angry....seems to be the natural order of my emotions.

Just because i'm not tempted to drink at the moment..doesn't mean I don't need the help of other alchoholics....this comment is not directed at anyone...I don't even know that I am receptive to others when I am in a foul mood...actually it sounds to me like i'm sliding into some self pity????

OK...do the bills and get some action going...feelings pass for me quite quickly so I'll probably be bouncing of the wall with bubbles of happiness in an hour

Thanks fro letting me blow that off.

doorknob

I first read that as breast, lol.

Bamboozle

Hello, ananda!


It's not self-pity...(I know I can't help it when I'm in a foul mood). If you need to vent, vent.

Any time I feel good, I try to enjoy it because I know it won't last much longer. Who knows? In a couple of hours I might feel like crap. One word or one stray thought is enough to do it. I feel like I get mood swings all the time--some are bad, but usually it's manageable.

doorknob

I didn't feel like driving to Spokane this morning for the atheist & agnostic meeting, was tired, haven't been sleeping well (semi-disturbing dreams)... but I went anyway. I'm glad I did. There were about 9 of us. I got to speak twice, about the things I've been struggling with, issues not easily discussed in a traditional AA meeting. There were others present who were dealing with or had dealth with similar problems. I really like this meeting. I may try to get a second one going, or perhaps a LifeRing meeting, when I'm feeling better. Right now, I still feel like crapola...

Bamboozle

Hello, everyone. I think I might take a little break from SR.

I bombed big time yesterday…nine beers in the afternoon…feel asleep… woke up and finished off the other three. I went out in the kitchen and looked in the spot where my mom usually keeps booze (if she has it) and, I couldn’t believe it…but she left out the bottle that she had hid from me on Thursday. I don’t know why she decided it would be a good idea to leave it out (maybe she thought I wouldn’t touch it--I usually leave her stuff alone). You know what happened next--I plowed through more than half of what was left. I drank until 5 this morning, fell asleep, woke up for work at 8:30 (had to be there at 10), and haven’t had anything to eat at all today because I didn’t want to get sick.

I keep doing this to myself. Why can’t I care enough about saving my own life?

I feel really mixed up right now.

I do want to quit. I really do. But I can’t get there.

I’ll explain it through an analogy that perhaps many of you understand:

You all know I don’t believe in a god or an afterlife. I really WANT to believe--I desperately want to believe that I’ll never cease to exist and that there is a place I’ll go where everything is Hunky-Dory. But wanting to believe and actually believing are two separate things. I really want to quit. I don’t know how to get there. I want to live a pain-free sober life, and I just don’t think it’s possible. Alcohol has been my crutch for a while.

I know a lot of people always suggest that I go to AA or some group. Talking to anyone about personal matters is a no-no for me. It’s hard enough to think about these things and admit the truth about who I am to myself--it’s ridiculously hard to talk to a therapist, and completely impossible for me to talk to perfect strangers in a group. I am a very private person. Showing my face in this small town would bug me out. Sitting there and just listening wouldn’t help, either. I’d get more depressed, and I’d still feel lost and exposed.

I’m not sure what I’m going to do about this. I don’t even know how tonight is going to go. I have more than enough money to buy whatever I want, but if I keep doing this, my luck is going to run out soon enough.

So many people say that when the pain of continuing to use is too great, then you’ll become sober. What if I never reach that point? I’m young…and I’m scared.

I've been doing my best to try to be a positive person and put on a happy face. It's not working. No one around me has any idea how I feel (shoot, being honest with my parents didn't help at all...). I have everyone fooled except for myself. I can put on a good front, but that's all. I want to be a posititve thinker. I am not. Sorry this is so long.

doorknob

I'm thinkin' about scoring a big fat bag of chronic myself... and a 40 Oz of Mickey's.

Bamboozle

Hold off if you can, DK. I've been drinking on and off for two months...that happened after 69 days sober. It seems like the longer I make it sober, the bigger and longer I bomb. It sucks. This sh!t is really messing me up.

doorknob

I don't binge, I could sip beer and puff tuff indefinitely... if I can't work.. what's the diff...? It's always 4:20 somewhere...

bugsworth

Think about it all you want DK...just don't do it! You are doing so well...

Bam...I hesitate to tell you my true feelings as I may hurt yours...I don't want that.

BUT....

I have a hard time understanding what a belief in God has to do with you drinking. Believe or don't...it has NOTHING to do with beating this addiction. You are holding the keys to your own cell...

Bamboozle

That's not what I was getting at...maybe I didn't explain it well enough. It was just a comparison of wanting to believe/wanting to be sober vs. actually believing/actually living sober and not relapsing. I figured some people here could relate. I'm not trying to grate anyone's gears. I'm looking for support from like-minded people. That's all. Apparently I can't even talk about this in the secular section. Peace out.

windysan

Bamboozle.....don't take time off from SR. It's prolly best you stick around. I wish I had the magic answer but I don't. I sure hope you can beat it.

DK......now you know what that herb and mickey's is gonna do to you. Don't do it.

bugsworth

Bam....there are plenty of people here who can relate to you including me. Maybe I did mis-understand what you meant, my apologies.

Ananda

bam...i don't know what changed...why one moment I wanted to be sober and couldn't seem to get there and one moment I actually believed I could stay sober and started down that path.

But I think that continuing to come here has gotta help us get there faster???

DK.....If you give up now, and if you are able to get going again, you will just end up right back here....Today screwed big time for me....but if I took a drink tonight I would just put off the inevidable and end up having to work through this crap later even more damaged than before.

(hugs) to all

doorknob

I just don't see why people have to pull decisions out of their rectum...

Ananda

:wtf2