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tyler 05-04-2007 09:55 AM

S.C. Check-in
I hope it is ok to start a check-in thread here, I consider the SC forum to be my "home". I welcome all of the "regulars" to chime in and let us know how you are doing. And if you are not a "regular" just keep posting, and you will become one!!

Today is day 4 for me. It's going ok. The depression is getting a little better. Still having sleep issues, but I know both of those problems will get better with time. I am trying to build some accountability into my "program". I am being drug tested weekly, and if my THC levels were to go up (I use), I have agreed to enroll in a IOP program. I don't really know that it is the answer, I have done IOP programs before, with no real success, but I guess you get out what you put into it. Besides, all I have to do is stay clean, and it wont't be an issue.

I really feel like I HAVE to MAKE it happen this time. I don't have many more shots. I don't really know if I can take failing again. Not trying to be overly dramatic here, but that is really how I feel. I have been hospitalized several times for depression, suicidal ideations, and attemped suicide. Each time it was the build up of continued failure to control my addiction. I see doctors and theripists, take meds, but I have to take control of my life.

On the positive side, this time feels different. I'm not really sure why. Maybe I've just finally reached the point where I can't tollerate doing this to myself anymore. I hope so.

So that's how I'm doing today, how about you??

andshewas 05-04-2007 03:53 PM

I'm ok. It's been almost a month since my husband's relapse, and he's attended two smart meetings. He seems to like them, or get something out of them, which was not the case with AA. He likes (and I do, too) the focus they put on planning ahead and thinking of ways to combat the urge before it hits. We are communicating somewhat better and I am less angry than I was at him. We are also going to couples counselling and we have a really good counsellor- no nonsense, no bs, she's great.

We are working at it.

tyler 05-04-2007 04:41 PM

Sounds good, glad the SMART stuff is working for you guys. I wish I had some kind of non-12step support around here like SMART, but nothing is available. I've tried online meetings, but they are just not the same for me. Glad to hear thing are going well. Take care.

tyler 05-05-2007 09:19 AM

not sure why I did it
Well I drank last night. Alcohol is not my DOC, that would be pot, but I know enough about this to know that I'm playing with fire when I drink. For some reason it just seemed like a good idea to have a few drinks last night. I didn't really get hammered, but I did get buzzed and that desire to "escape reality" just snuck up on me. I know I won't drink tonight, I almost never do two nights in a row, but I guess I really need the same comittment to this as I do for the pot.

For some reason I want to hold on to being able to "drink when I want to." Perhaps I have more of a problem with this than I want to admit to. I've always been able to go out and have a beer or two without closing the bar down, not that there haven't been times that I have closed it down. Social drinking has rarely been an issue with me. What is more of a problem is what I did last night. Drink by myself, just to get buzzed. That is just not good. I dont' know that I can seperate the two in my mind. I know that most people with substance abuse problems can't, and there is no reason to think that I am somehow "special" in that way.

So today I am going to re-commit. No pot, and no booze either. I don't need them. I may want them, but I need to learn that want's and needs are different. So that is where I am today. A bit of a slip, but maybe I've learned something from it. Trying to keep it honest. Thanks for listening.

Ten Chips Down 05-05-2007 08:52 PM

Hey kid.... (hey ur you're only 38, i'm ur senior by five years!!!!)

Oh, you're doing that, all right--keeping it honest. I was struck by it, in truth.

I was struck by a number of things. Maybe this will help you to read. For one, when you said you still want to be able to drink--boy did that one resonate!! I haven't felt it in soooo long, but I remember it!

So if it helps you to know, one of the promises of sobriety is that it really goes away, man. All craving; all 'bargaining' like you're doing right now. That intrusive desire to escape and get buzzed - it goes too.

I remember those feelings very clearly, because our eligibility to return to hell never goes away.

...Our eligibility card never expires.

So it is with each day that I arise and feel deep gratitude - may sound old but you know what? Freedom never gets old. :wink3:

Keep postin', i'll keep a reading -

tyler 05-06-2007 08:51 AM

Having kinda a crappy morning. Still not sleeping worth a damn, it not so much the amount of sleep, it's the time spent trying to get there that wears on me. It takes anywhere from 1-3 hours for me to fall asleep once the lights are out. Doesn't matter if I go to bed at 8pm or midnight. Doesn't matter if I'm dead tired or not. Yesterday I worked my a$$ off. I spent almost 9 hours in the woods cutting up trees, clearing brush, and a little morel mushroon hunting on the side!! I was dead tired, but it was still past 1 am when I finally got to sleep. Then I'd wake up about every 2 hrs and take another half hour to fall back asleep.

The worst part is I just can't shut off my head to get to sleep. The thoughts that run through my head are as dark as the night I'm laying in. Different way's to successfully kill myself, a favorite topic, violent rage filled fantasies (ie: Virginia Tech). It's not like I'm actually considering these things (though I have attempeted suicide before) they just haunt my head. I try to drive them out with other positive thoughts, but I just seem to get worn down and they win every time. I'm on meds for depression and anxiety, but I'm never given them a chance to work, because I always end up going back to using. It is the number one thing I relapse over. It's been almost a week since I last smoked, I know I got a long time before it's all out of my system.

I have an appointment with my doctor tomorrow morning. I'll talk to him about this, though I'm really not very hopeful that he'll be able to help me. I've been perscribed sleeping pills before and they don't do anything for me. I've tired Ambian, Rozerium and a couple of others. I gotta admit, I'm feeling like giving up today. I'm not going to, but I don't have much confidence in myself fending off these feelings long term. Sorry to be a downer today, but I guess that is just where I'm at. Take care all.

tyler 05-06-2007 03:28 PM

Papercut by Linkin Park

Why does it feel like night today?
Something in here's not right today.
Why am I so uptight today?
Paranoia's all I got left
I don't know what stressed me first
Or how the pressure was fed
But I know just what it feels like
To have a voice in the back of my head
It's like a face that I hold inside
A face that awakes when I close my eyes
A face watches every time I lie
A face that laughs every time I fall
(And watches everything)
So I know that when it's time to sink or swim
That the face inside is hearing me
Right underneath my skin

It's like I'm paranoid lookin' over my back
It's like a whirlwind inside of my head
It's like I can't stop what I'm hearing within
It's like the face inside is right beneath my skin

I know I've got a face in me
Points out all my mistakes to me
You've got a face on the inside too and
Your paranoia's probably worse
I don't know what set me off first but I know what I can't stand
Everybody acts like the fact of the matter is
I can't add up to what you can but
Everybody has a face that they hold inside
A face that awakes when I close my eyes
A face watches every time they lie
A face that laughs every time they fall
(And watches everything)
So you know that when it's time to sink or swim
That the face inside is watching you too
Right inside your skin


The face inside is right beneath your skin (3x)

The sun goes down
I feel the light betray me (Repeat until end)

This is how I feel. I don't like it.

andshewas 05-06-2007 07:09 PM

New second
New minute
New hour
New day
New week
New breath
New chance.

Here we go- we can do it. You can stay sober. I can stay calm.

tyler 05-07-2007 03:39 PM

It'd be nice to see some of the other SC regulars check in from time to time on how they are doing...

Saw the doctor today, we're changing perscriptions again, trying to find someting to help me sleep. We're trying triazadone (sp?) which I've taken before and has been resonably effective. Of course when I used it before, I was still smoking too, so we'll see.

Depression was a little better today. Didn't get much done except going to the doctor, urine test, picking up new script, etc. Oh well. I got the results back from my first drug screen, they couldn't give me a exact reading on the nanograms because their machine only went up to 1000!! 50 passes a regular drug test, 15 a DOT test, guess I've got a ways to go. Hopefully I'll see some movement by next time.

That's about it for now. Hope everyone else is doing decently. Take care.

Mongo 05-07-2007 06:22 PM

Hi Tyler, sorry to hear you're having a rough go of it.

I don't know much about THC withdrawal, my DOC was booze. I did have insomnia for several weeks after quitting. Nothing seemed to help much. My sleep patterns gradually returned to normal eventually. Perhaps after awhile, you will start to get some relief.

I hope your new script works. Good that you're seeing your doctor.

Keep well, and hope you get some rest tonight.


historyteach 05-08-2007 02:50 AM

I took trazadone for a while, Tyler.
It was helpful for me. It didn't "put" me to sleep, but, "let" me get to sleep. See the difference?
Also, it's a mild anti-depressant. That ought to help you too. I hope so. :e058:

Be well.

tyler 05-08-2007 09:09 AM

Thanks guys, or I guess gal's would be more appropriate!!

I still had a hard time getting to sleep last night, thought I wasn't "haunted" by the dark thought's I have been recently, just took me 2 hours to get to sleep, and that was after staying up until midnight. I did sleep well once I finally fell asleep though. I think I will try to go to bed earlier tonight, if it's going to take 2 hours to fall asleep, maybe going to bed earlier will help at least.

I also don't feel as depressed today, though I'm still pretty unmotivated to do much of anything. I'm going to kick myself in the butt after I'm done here and go out and finish cutting up some trees I felled last week and move some gravel around.

Overall a better start to the day than I've had lately. How's everyone else doing?? Thanks for listening. Take care all.

mjs 05-08-2007 04:10 PM

Sounds like you are putting a good program together. I am facing the some of the same isues myself. I am 44 and have 40 days clean and sober. My doc are weed and beer. I have quit for various lengths of time...3,6,9,12 and my alltime record 18 months. Most of these were because of court order,work order or wife order. I was mostly a weekend warrior...hardly ever used during the week but almost never missed a weekend. In the end I would end up drinking a 12 pack smoking 10-12 bongs and pass out. The hangovers just started to hurt to much and for to long. I tried using weed only but after 8 or 9 months I ended up drinking and was right back where I started. So I decided to get completely clean and sober in 2007 and made a massive effort starting Jan 1. I quit drinking,partying and smoking all at the same time. I had used both 12 step and rr in some of my past recoveries and combined both 12 step and rational methods(smart) his time around as well as diet, exercise, meditation and working one on one with a shrink to really try to get to the bottom of being abused when i was very young. I made it 90 days and went straight from a sat night na meeting to the pot spot and the beer spot and came home sucked down 10 heineken lights and got high as a georgia pine and celebrated my escape from recovery land. Until the next morning when I realized that I had not been able to quit. I was completely demoralized and depressed and smoked on and off for another week or so and then spilled the beans to my counselor. I tried to talk to her about using a harm reduction approach because I just did not feel that complete abstinence was a viable goal. She was having none of it and insisted that seeing her once a week was not going to cut it. There was something in her demeanor that really scared me. She was an RN before she was a therapist and has seen what alcohol from a clinical point of view. So I threw out some really potent skunk and started all over once again. She has asked me to commit to 12 step work for 1 year and to look at it like chemo therapy. No matter how bad I feel about going just do it. This I have agreed to do. I am going into with a good heart and an open mind. I have a sponsor and have gotten some very good 12 step books. I am trying to go to at least 3-4 meetings a week and have found a few friends. I really like the philosophy behind the 12 steps they are really deep in a psych spiritual way. Most of the people are very friendly. I just have such a hard time trusting because I was so trashed by my parents when I was a toddler I feel like I am 5 years old again and being tortured when I here some of the stuff hat I hear. But I am doing it even though trying to imagine a lifetime of complete sobriety still sends me into a complete funk. A lot of people seem to think that the 6 month mark is where the psychological cravings really start to subside. I truly hope so because my trigger is consciosness itself. I am truly a slave to weed. I do feel much less depressed and anxious when clean and sober so that is definetly a plus to it. I got a presription for naltrexone for cravings 50mg a day, cymbalta for depression 90mg a day, gabapentin 400mg as needed for anxiety and lunesta for insomnia as needed. I dont feel very good about being on all thes meds but my MD says these are far safer than smoking weed and getting trashed on the weekend. I plan on getting off of some of them as soon as i can they are not a magic bullet but I have gotten thru this first month with a lot less struggle than back in January. Well I hope this short bio gives you some ideas to kick around and hope we can help each other out I always enjoy reading your posts and hope that none of my previous posts rubbed you the wrong way i use this forum to vent and complain about recovery in general and the 12 steps in particular but my goal is like most people have a better quality of life...

tyler 05-08-2007 05:10 PM

Thanks MJS. We seem to share a lot in common. Though I tend to downplay my alcohol use, it has definetly been an issue for me too. The week was a 24/7 kinda thing for me, so much that "high" was my "normal" state. Well in the evenings you want to "relax", right? Well I was already high, so that meant hitting the bottle. Port wine was my drink of choice. When I was younger I used to really enjoy a good glass of port. Some good aged Tawney Port was my favorite. I learned to enjoy it my senior year in high school when I was in Australia. I lived in the Barossa Valley, Australia's version of the Napa Valley, so everyone drank wine. We'd have champaigne with breakfast, wine with dinner and a glass of port after dinner. Of course when drinking to get drunk a bottle of the cheapest hootch availbale would do. I'd pour the whole bottle in a liter cup, ice it up and chug it down. No, I don't have a problem with alcohol. I finally stopped doing that...and upgraded to a half bottle of whiskey mixed with 7-up (7&7 from my old college days, of course I wouldn't actually spring for the Segrams 7, I'd go for the $6 a bottle stuff!!). I'd really only drink by myself. If I drank socially, it was rarely a problem. I just needed that extra something to put me out for the night.

I to take a variety of meds to help me cope, and hope not to have to be on them forever. My problem is I've been perscribed stuff for ages, but continued to use while taking them. Doesn't make them work so well!! I like your 1 year comitment to the program. Can't hurt, right?? I'm still fence sitting on that one. One reason is I don't trust myself to go out. I know if I stay home I can't get any herb, and drinking without it is just not satisfying to me. I hope you keep posting about your experiences with the program, and wish you the best with it. Thanks for posting here. Take care.

Ten Chips Down 05-08-2007 11:48 PM

Tyler -

You may do well on trazodone. It is an antidepressant that is claimed to have a quicker onset of antidepressant benefits than other ADs out there (as little as 2 weeks, the manufacturer claims).

It is also widely used for people with chronic insomnia. It has quite a strong sedative side-effect (kicks in on first dose), so you should really appreciate this.

It is safe and non-addicting for people in recovery.

Trazodone, like all ADs, is a heavy-duty drug with many possible side-effects, so there is no guarantee it will agree with you as a staple of treatment for depression.

I'll be interested to know whether and how well you tolerate it, so keep us informed.


tyler 05-09-2007 07:57 AM

The trazodone seems to be working quite well. I am taking it along with .5 mg of xanax at dinner and another .5 at bed, and have had much less of a problem falling asleep than before. I read so much about how bad xanax is that it concerns me a bit, but I've been perscribed up to 3 mg a day, but have never taken more than 1.5. It doesnt' give me any kind of "buzz" or anything and I have no desire to abuse it, so I guess it's ok. The only downside is I feel a bit "thick" when I wake up in the morning. I think I may try dropping the xanax at bed and just take it a dinner and see if that helps. It still takes me awhile to fall asleep, but I've been able to stay away from the disturbing thoughts much better.

I've been pretty unmotivated the last couple of days, but I suppose that's pretty much par for the course. I got the results back from my first drug screen. They couldn't give me an exact reading of the nanograms of THC in my system, becuase their machine cut off at 1000!! I did my second drop on Monday, so hopefully I'll be able to see some movement next time. BTW, 50 nanograms is "clean" on a regular "store bought" test and 15 nanograms is "clean" on a DOT test like I'm taking. Got a way's to go!!

Gotta get to work. Have a ton and a half of rock to move and several trees that need cutting up. Doing much better today. Thanks for all the support. Take care all.

mendingheart 05-12-2007 03:58 PM

Welcome back,!!!! It is good to hear from you. I am sorry you are struggling, it must be very painful for you. The good news is...tomorrow is a new day, and you have been down that road before. You know what is ahead, and you know what you are leaving behind. Definitely you know which is the best choice, just hang in there.
It seems there are not many of us oldies left on here, I do not know where everyone went! I had disappeared on and off, and have felt a need to pop back in.
Keep your head up, and remember this too shall pass. It really is good to hear from you.

tyler 05-15-2007 10:09 AM

I guess it's rarely good news when you abandon you own "check in" thread for a week...

Things havne't been going so well. I'm still "clean", but have been drinking. Not every night, but probably 2-3 nights a week. I think part of it is the desire to harm myself as I really feel that alcohol is more physically harmful than pot. I know that has been the thinking several times when I decided to drink.

Now I'm jonesing for pot like a MF!! I'm really not sure if I'm going to make it or not. I finally saw some movement in the THC levels in my last drug screen, which was good. If I hadn't, I think I probably would have used as soon as I found out. I just don't know why I can't comitt to this. I know it is *ucking up my entire life. I guess I just don't really care that much about my life. The only thing that stops me from killing myself is the thought of what it would do to my son and parrents. I guess it's good that something is stopping me, but the fact that I can't seem to place any more value on my own life than that is depressing.

Sorry, not a particularly uplifting post I guess. Oh well...

andshewas 05-15-2007 10:13 AM

Have you contacted your doctor about this? If you are having suicidal thoughts (which it seems you are), you need to. Now.

historyteach 05-15-2007 12:01 PM


First, please know that there IS help.
Read through this; talk to your doctor when you can; find a plan to make your life better. Take care of yourself physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. No, it doesn't have to be religious. Music lifts our spirits, for example.

Then, remember one thing I am going to share with you. I just read it today, and it came to me as I read you post:

"...there is always time to die. Take your life into your own hands by all means. ALL means! That means taking your dying into your own hands, and knowing that you can die whenever you choose. That means taking your living into your own hands, and living until there is no living left. Make of your dying a statement of living. Show those whom you love how to face their own death by living inthe midst of your dying. Live no longer than you should. Die no sooner than you must.

Die when you choose, but, first consider what else needs to be done. Treat yourself to life, and then, when you are ready, treat yourself to death."
(bold added) by Rami M. Shapiro

It's interesting that you do see yourself as part of the never-ending cycle. You mention your parents and your son. They are where you came from and what you stand for that will continue when you're gone. The circle of life will continue. It's your job to do the living first; to learn from those before you; to pass it on to those who come after you. Only then, can you let go with ease. Because life is both precious and precarious. And it's precious precisely because it is precarious. (the last two sentences are gleaned from Jack Riemer).

I hope this helps in some way. Please, take care of yourself. Let us know how you're doing. And make the call if you need to. We're here for you... :hug:


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