Bamboozle

Hello, everyone. I think I might take a little break from SR.

I bombed big time yesterday…nine beers in the afternoon…feel asleep… woke up and finished off the other three. I went out in the kitchen and looked in the spot where my mom usually keeps booze (if she has it) and, I couldn’t believe it…but she left out the bottle that she had hid from me on Thursday. I don’t know why she decided it would be a good idea to leave it out (maybe she thought I wouldn’t touch it--I usually leave her stuff alone). You know what happened next--I plowed through more than half of what was left. I drank until 5 this morning, fell asleep, woke up for work at 8:30 (had to be there at 10), and haven’t had anything to eat at all today because I didn’t want to get sick.

I keep doing this to myself. Why can’t I care enough about saving my own life?

I feel really mixed up right now.

I do want to quit. I really do. But I can’t get there.

I’ll explain it through an analogy that perhaps many of you understand:

You all know I don’t believe in a god or an afterlife. I really WANT to believe--I desperately want to believe that I’ll never cease to exist and that there is a place I’ll go where everything is Hunky-Dory. But wanting to believe and actually believing are two separate things. I really want to quit. I don’t know how to get there. I want to live a pain-free sober life, and I just don’t think it’s possible. Alcohol has been my crutch for a while.

I know a lot of people always suggest that I go to AA or some group. Talking to anyone about personal matters is a no-no for me. It’s hard enough to think about these things and admit the truth about who I am to myself--it’s ridiculously hard to talk to a therapist, and completely impossible for me to talk to perfect strangers in a group. I am a very private person. Showing my face in this small town would bug me out. Sitting there and just listening wouldn’t help, either. I’d get more depressed, and I’d still feel lost and exposed.

I’m not sure what I’m going to do about this. I don’t even know how tonight is going to go. I have more than enough money to buy whatever I want, but if I keep doing this, my luck is going to run out soon enough.

So many people say that when the pain of continuing to use is too great, then you’ll become sober. What if I never reach that point? I’m young…and I’m scared.

I've been doing my best to try to be a positive person and put on a happy face. It's not working. No one around me has any idea how I feel (shoot, being honest with my parents didn't help at all...). I have everyone fooled except for myself. I can put on a good front, but that's all. I want to be a posititve thinker. I am not. Sorry this is so long.