slimjim30

I was an alcoholic for 15+ years and in 2015/16 I transferred my addiction to opioids - which quickly ended up with me on Heroin. I always insufflated - never used a needle.

I've been in treatment for 5 years but found subs and methadone have never "stuck". I kept going back to H for the energy and mood lift.

I now have a few months break from work and really want to give methadone a go. I am on day 4. This is the first day I've not had inter-dose withdrawals but I still feel flat. Like there's no joy and all the colour has drained out of the world.

I assume this will pass at some point.

Did others here have a similar experience? How long did it take you to feel satisfied / comfortable with methadone alone?

I still use nicotine if that is relevant. I use an e-cig and Swedish Snus, not cigarettes.

I'm also prescribed antindepressants and benzos. I use the benzos sparingly (and have done so for 10+ years). I'm not addicted to them, but find them helpful when I'm getting too worked up about how negative I feel.

Edit: I should add - I haven't drunk alcoholically for 6-7 years. I have zero desire to go back to that.

Dee74

I can't answer your question but welcome back SlimJim

D

slimjim30

Thanks Dee74. You've been a fixture here for as long as I've been coming and going.

slimjim30

Day 5 is better than day 4. I didn't have any interdose withdrawals.

I still lack motivation and joy but it's not as soul destroying as yesterday.

I still feel I have a long way to go though.

slimjim30

I'm on Day 8 or 9 now. I managed to fracture my foot and am in horrendous pain which sucks as pain is a relapse trigger for me. I am going to try and get in with my Doctor urgently on Monday to talk about what to do.

I can't relapse quickly as I don't know dealers - always used the Internet which takes days - so I'm safe at the moment. Just in mega pain.

Dee74

I hope you can get into see your Dr Jim - 8/9 days is a great head start

D

JamesW

How are you feeling today Slim? foot must be agony.

slimjim30

I got an orthopaedic boot on my foot and most of the pain was gone by Monday. It still hurts a bit, but it's surprising how fast it improved.

I think I'm at 19 days now and feel much more stable on methadone. I miss the energy and motivation but I want to give quitting a real good try this time.

Dee74

I'm glad you're feeling better Jim

D

JamesW

Great news that you made it through the pain till Monday, the temptation to use to use must have been overwhelming. Shows true commitment to staying clean, well done Mate.

I hope your mood starts to lift soon, you definitely deserve a break.

slimjim30

I haven't been as tempted as I thought I would be. However cravings can come on from nothing to intense in seconds so I don't want to get to far ahead of myself.

Thanks for the kind words - I've got a fair bit of pressure on me at the moment so I am hoping for some easier days soon. At least I don't experience any withdrawals anymore - it sucked having a few hours of withdrawal every day between doses.

slimjim30

Day 20 and all is good. This is my best ever attempt with methadone. I feel pretty good now. I think my dose is probably a bit high (I have lost a LOT of weight since my last try). I'm going to downgrade my dose next time I go in.

The world has brightened up a lot, and I'm finding the methadone more and more satisfying. I managed to quit cigarettes in 2006, alcohol in 2015, and if I do this, I'll have quit Heroin in 2022. I feel quite proud of my achievements. Not many people could do what I’ve done. I think I need to keep reminding myself that slow and steady wins the race.

I'll try to keep checking in but I have a bad habit of disappearing for extended periods. Just know I'm doing my best.

JamesW

Congratulations on Day 20 Slim, great your mood is lifting.

slimjim30

Yay - 3 weeks. It sounds so short - but (as cliché as it sounds) every journey starts with a single step, does it not?

I spent the last 3 days looking after a sick child (cold or flu - not COVID) while I managed my fractured foot. His coughing + tossing and turning meant I wasn't sleeping either (he likes to sleep in bed with Daddy). That was the pressure I was under.

I convinced him to sleep with Mum last night, so I got to sleep alone. Then I went and slept in until 3pm. I feel a little lazy, but wow has it ever done wonders for my mental state? I feel great today; I have a new burst of energy.

I'm in bed now and when I wake up it'll be day 22. I feel I'm getting somewhere.

Thanks to anyone who is listening. I'm finding this journaling cathartic even if it's a bit of a boring read. Maybe it'll help someone someday - or not. Have a good (upcoming) weekend fellow SR-ers.

slimjim30

I messed up. Last Friday i took 20x30mg oxycodone

On a positive note i didnt feel a thing and still had to take my methadone not to get sick.

I feel dumb, but it was once and i'm back on the sober wagon with more motivation than before

I always run away when I falter, but this time I'll keep coming back.

slimjim30

That last relapse turned into a full blown Heroin relapse for just over a week. I'm 2 days stable om methadone now and actually didn't take long to stabilise.this time. I feel shame, and stupid. This is haes.

Try, try again.

Dee74

Glad you made it back Jim.

D

biminiblue

Yep. Make it stick this time.

At some point it has to be enough, yeah?

slimjim30

I'm doing my best. I still fight the urge to do Heroin as $$ is the one and only reason I don't use it. If I was a multi-millionaire I'd never stop - THERE - I SAID IT

I am still fighting though. I tried smoking it this time and I swear 6 months of doing that will cause lung cancer.

I'm back on the clean side though. Rome wasn't built in a day - but it was built.

biminiblue

Gosh, but heroin WILL kill you. It's just a matter of when. Rich, poor, it all ends the same way.

My next door neighbor died with a needle in his arm. 32 years old. He had a good job, a family, two cars, a nice place. Still dead.