caligirl770

Dom
Look online for AA or NA, find a meeting close to you and go. They are filled with people just like you and I just waiting for you to walk through the doors so that they can help you. You will make new "sober " friends and they will help teach you how to overcome this addiction. It is free, what do you have to lose?? Alot I assume......

Christie

2dayzmuse

Keep moving forward. Talk with your counselor. Be honest and try to stay away from your using friends once you get back. If you hook up with them, you may leap right back into your drug use. You have already been going through detox, why go through it again? I would read as much literature and books about drug addiction that you can and also would suggest trying NA meetings. The best thing to do when getting clean, is to come clean. Be honest to yourself and your loved ones. It can be very exhilerating to get our dirty little secrets out in the open and off of our shoulders. We are only as sick as the secrets we keep. You don't have to shout it out to the world, but I'm sure there are those who deserve an explanation. You may believe that people don't know about your drug use, but it would be my guess that they have noticed some peculiar behavior and suspect something is up.You don't have to cry anymore. Move forward and heal. The next tears you cry can be tears of joy.

Dom

At this point I do not feel ready to go to an NA meeting. Please understand I have a low self-esteem (always feel like people are looking at me, analyzing me, and judging me). This causes some panic attacks that I told my therapist about. It mostly happens while I'm driving, I grip the steering wheel tight, I feel my throat close up, and my whole body tenses up. A few minutes later I forget about it and move on.

I have a great job in a Union (don't want to say what Union) and there is a program I can goto. The guy that runs the meeting says he was on heroin for 20 years. At the time he spoke to us, I only smoked pot, but I listened closely because I know I have a low self-control. I was smoking on the way to Union school, and also on the way home from Union school.

I spoke to my Dad today, we usually do 90 minutes every other Wednesday, I asked him and my mom to leave after 45 minutes. When they do, I'm going to read to my therapist all the posts in this thread. I'm going back to the therapist 1 week from today.

I have trouble thinking on the spot, I get very emotional, and I feel if I don't read off paper, I will chicken out.

Thank you Christie and 2dayzmuse, but please understand I am very scared to tell my family and my girlfriend. When I close my eyes and think about it, my throat closes up right away.

caligirl770

Dom
I understand your hesitation about the meetings. But really all of the people there have or have had low self esteem when they were using. You don't have to talk at these meetings just introduce yourself and tell them it is your first meeting. You will be shocked at that these people are soooo willing to accept you into there lives and help you.

Christie

Lollipop

Dom
Telling your family and girlfriend are choices that only you can make when you are ready!! When I was using, I had low self esteem, the longer I didnt use, the stronger I became and the more self esteem I gained. You will too. I also have a panick disorder for which I have been medically treated for years. Some times I get so bad that the agoraphobia kicks in and I cant leave the house, when your in the car and feel like your being looked at etc, try a distraction, like for instance, think to yourself what the person would do if you waved or picked your nose or something off the wall, LOL bet they look away totally embarressed for being caught looking!!!!!! Or maybe just a smile, maybe they find you attractive or are curious to the music your listening to etc....people who look arent always looking for negative reasons. I cant wait until you get to talk to the therapist alone, I bet you will feel so much better!!!!
Meanwhile, we are here for support!!! for ourselves and eachother!!!!!! Im so glad you found us!!!! Stay strong!!!
Liss

PaperDolls

Dom - I can relate to everything you've said here. It seems every time I go to the Dr. I forget what I should be telling them. I try to get things written down first. It really does help. And the low self-esteem I know all about that. I don't go to meetings very often at all but when I do it feels like my heart will pounds out of my chest. Of course that only lasts for about one minutes. Nonetheless, I can relate to you.

The first steps you have taken are great. 1) you made it here to SR 2) you plan to see your therapist and talk about your addiction.

Take baby steps....it will take some time but you WILL get there. You've got to start somewhere and you're doing great so far.

~doll

Dom

It has gotten much worse...

As I was finishing typing my last post, my GF was calling me.

I answered the phone all emotional, she got it out of me. She got everything out of me. I tried to tone down the amount of my usage, but otherwise I told her all.

She was completely oblivious. She started crying hysterically, said it was all a bad bad dream, a nightmare and she wants to wake up. How could I have done this to her? She is such a perfect person. She said druggies are druggies for life (she has a master's degree in Industrial/Organizational Psychology). She said it will have a negative affect on our children. I tried to tell her this is first day of my new life, my better life, but it only worsened how she was feeling. We are 1,000 miles apart until tomorrow night.

I called her twice since then and she did not answer. At dinner I asked my Dad to come outside and talk to me. I told him nothing about drugs, but that Kate feels I have lied and deceived her about the amount of debt I'm in. $15,000 in 2 credit cards. I asked him if I can move back home asap, he said he will talk to my mom. I asked him to be my financial supervisor (to stop me from making more immature mistakes). He told me to get a 2nd job and pay off the $15k in debt in one year. I agreed.

I also told my Dad that if I lose Kate, I will commit suicide, because its the ******* truth. I love her so much and I can't imagine life without her. She thinks that she doesn't know me, that she never knew me. My god why did I tell her? She just caught me at a bad time and I was weak. It has gotten 10 times worse.

edit: So much for baby steps...
At this point I feel like I do not need my friend to flush the rest of my drugs, I can 100% do it myself when I get home. I can'tstop thinking about Kate and I feel I will not sleep at all tonight.

Sazzer

Hey Dom -- I'm so sorry to see how much pain you're in. I am sure Kate's reaction was mostly out of shock. If she didn't suspect anything, then she will need time to work through everything. Just like you do! It won't be easy (as you already know)

I think you are doing the right thing by being honest with your dad about the financial situation you are in. It is a great step to be able to ask for that kind of help.

You are not alone!! Stay with us! We all know how hard it is for you and sometimes you just can't control your emotions (especially when you're still detoxing). You are going to have to be patient with Kate and with yourself.

Be gentle with yourself and don't lose hope. What you're doing is the right thing!

Prayers for you!
Saz

2dayzmuse

I'm sorry for the way your gf reacted to the news about your drug use. Surely you can imagine her shock. I still believe you did the right thing in telling her. She needs time to process everything and think it through. If you are truly serious about stopping and getting your life cleaned up, you are going to have to make some serious changes. Your gf would see these changes and be curious about why and what is going on. I think she would have found out eventually and better it comes from you then someone else. If she truly cares, she will stand by your side. You want to quit. That is the focus. You can not change your past, only your future. It will take time for her to accept this, if she can. Talks about suicide...not cool. There is nothing worth taking your life over. There is always a viable solution to any problem. Stop and think and breathe. You haven't harmed anyone, you are young and you have the support of your family. Don't do anything rash. You can work through it. It takes time to resolve things. Give it time and stick with a recovery plan. Keep up the open communication with your family. I know you are upset about your gf, but give it time. Things will settle down. Take it one day at a time. Talk with someone if you become to overwhelmed with your feelings.

Dom

I'm sorry for talking about suicide, I just cannot imagine living without her.

Tonight we talked sparaticly for hours on the cellphone. She is very hurt, and I understand how she feels. After hours of asking for her forgiveness, I laid in bed and thought about what I really need.

If she wants to end our relationship, there is nothing I can do to stop her. I called her one last time, and I said:

"Your my best friend, if anything, I need your support because without you I feel I could get worse. Today was the worst day of my life, but it's my first step into maturity and doing the right thing. I can EARN your trust back. If you give me ONE more chance, I know I will never disappoint you again."

She said several times that she doesn't want to see me, I sicken her. I really hope this changes.

I know it should feel good to let it out to the girl I truely love, but I have to admit the pain I feel now is worse than withdrawal.

She also added that if my parents knew, they would kick me out for good, I will tell my therapist about ALL of this, but I refuse to ever tell my parents.

Nevyn

Dom, I know it hurts right now. The important thing to remember with relationships is that they are about two people accepting each other as they are. By not telling her, you would only have been delaying the inevitable because she has to love you for what you are, not for the mask you were putting on. Hiding is just another form of lying, so of course she feels lied to and cheated now that she knows the truth. Give her some time to come to terms with it, and know that IF that does not happen, it is not because you told her you were an addict.

Dom

Thank you all again for the support. I have begun to break down. I told my mother everything this morning. My dad is under a lot of stress, and inbetween jobs, so she decided not to tell him yet.

I hugged my mom for first time in what feels years. I felt uncomfortable doing so. My GF has agreed to meet with me tonight when I get home (parents house). I think she wants to go back to my apartment and see the drugs, but I am ashamed to show her my "stuff". These have been the hardest days of my life, but thank you for giving me a medium to reach out.

PaperDolls

I'm proud of you Dom. Keep being strong. Remember, baby steps. You can do it.

~doll

Lollipop

Dom!!

Oh sweetie, you are SOOOOO on the right path right now. If GF wants to "see" your stash, let her, take her there and tell her again that you ARE serious!!!! Flush it right in front of her!!!! Im sure she is in shock right now and has a whole head full of mixed feelings but one thing that struck me in your post was the part where she said something about "How could you do this to me???" I must admit, I came to a screeching halt at that part.
She needs some time to hopefully realize that YOU did NOT do anything to HER but that addiction is a DISEASE and you have it! Would she react this way if you had say cancer? I dont think so. Yes, to chose to use at first, is a choice, not a smart one but it is......but when you get to where we are, it has moved WAY beyond choice and right into disease.
The most important thing right now is that you focus on YOU and getting better. If she cant support you, maybe a break for awhile would be best, because the worst thing for an addict in recovery is negativity towards them. I pray she thinks carefully. Maybe even checks out a meeting for spouses etc.
In the meantime, KUDOS!!!! You are doing the right thing, honesty is so hard sometimes but it is also SO important and you have just taken another HUGE step!!!!!!! See.....your getting stronger and better already and didnt even realize it!! Stay strong hun, we are all here for you!!!!
Liss

Sazzer

I totally agree with Lollipop! You are doing it! Keep coming here for support. We're always here for you!

Smyle

Dom... i have been following this and I must agree you are sooo doing the right thing...as hard as it is ...It is for your best interest...This takes alot of courage, I know cause I have been there...right where you are

My hubby found out the hard way I was using heroin (at the time he was my BF) He was furious...did not speak to me for several weeks..it sucked but we worked through it....it is not a stretch to do this....like paperdolls said...baby steps...you can do this...hang in there !!! we are here for you
Prayers
B

Dom

I LOVE you guys!

Here I am at my parents house, she left a little while ago. There were many tears, and I mostly repeated what I said over the phone, but in person it was very different. The beginning of the conversation was very negative, she refused to look at me, hold my hand, and told me that I have ruined her life. She does not trust me right now, and I understand it will take time to heal, but she will be there for me. She warned me NEVER to hurt her like this ever again. At the end, she said she was PROUD of me. She hugged me many times, and before I walked her to her car, we kissed, it felt better than sex. The smile on my face was ear to ear.

It was my first sober kiss. I know now that I will never disappoint her again. When the conversation started to get better, we agreed we were thirsty and went upstairs (just moving her from the couch with a pillow over her face felt like weight off my shoulders). After a cup of water, we agreed we were hungry. She let me drive her car to Wendy's, it felt like my first sober hamburger.

You see, I have been lying for so many years (I started habitually lying when I was 11 years old, about my school work and grades.) Even though these have been the worst days of my life, it also feels like the best days of my life. I feel so RELIEVED. After she left I took my first sober shower, it felt soooooo good. And I feel great typing this to you guys, SO much better than when I made my first post. Thanks again for everything, if it weren't for this site, who knows what I'd be doing or feeling right now.

Now back to withdrawal, I have some questions. The chills and sweats have passed, but I still feel achey all over my body, tonight in the shower, I heard voices. It sounded like my GF and/or mom, I stopped the shower several times and yelled out "hello? hello?" Is this okay? Should I be doing something to stop this?

I want to drive to all of your homes and hug you all. Thank you for being so supportive.

Love,
Dom

edit: I forgot to add, a 100% clean friend of mine (picked me up from the airport tonight) hopefully is not going to work tomorrow, he will come with me to my apartment. I don't want to go there alone, tonight I'm sleeping on the couch in my parents house.

I started my car (because it hasn't been started in a week) and drove it around the court my parents live in) as I was moving in the car I started to think about drugs, but a millisecond after I thought about Kate. I did a quick circle in the street and parked it. This really is hard, I finally believe it's a disease and not just immaturity.

The only thing I'm still nervous and stressed about it my Dad finding out. I plan on telling him infront of our therapist (feel like someone just twisted my stomach).

2dayzmuse

I think feeling achy seems normal. Sometimes we get ringing in our ears or get jumpy while detoxing. It is hard to say about the voices. You seem to be doing pretty well to be hallucinating or hearing things. So you are feeling a huge release, feeling good, and you have everything to look forward to. What about when the pink cloud wears off? Now is the time to come up with a plan. How are you going to stay sober and fight the cravings when they hit, and they will. You don't want to get caught up in the viscous cycle of using again. Look into a recovery program. Find a support system and use it when things get tough. Things will get difficult and you need to be prepared. Getting off of the drugs is the easy part. Staying off of them is what is so hard. Best of luck to you and keep coming back.

Dom

I needed this, is having people I can call enough? I feel I will never lie to my GF again, if I do drugs, I will have to tell her. I have her, my cousin that turned 24 today, and 2 close friends that will help me, and of course, all of you. I will never stop posting, hell, I stopped posting on my car forums and I only pay attention to this now.

It didn't feel like a hallucination, but it sounded like a female saying "Dom?" in a loud, nervous voice.

2dayzmuse

Is having people you can call enough? I don't know... is it? Are any of these people experienced in drug abuse and recovery? The best way to stay sober is to talk to others like you with the same problems, those who are in the process of recovery or have years of sobriety. SR is a good start and you are definitely on the right track. You made it through another sober day. Take it one day at a time and use the pain you have experienced as a reminder of where you don't want be. Don't return to that lifestyle and do whatever it takes to prevent it. Cruise through a book store and maybe check out some recovery books. It is good to have something to pick up and read. Just a suggestion...