Dom

Thank you, tomorrow will be another sober day. I will pickup a book on recovery, walk into a local Steakhouse that I worked at 6 years ago and get a busboy job, flush the drugs with my friend and start moving out of my apartment and back into my parents house.

Nevyn

Sending good thoughts your way Dom. Glad things ended up good with the girlfriend.

Achey is normal. Voices? Maybe. I always have heard voices in the shower, but I am weird and I think my hearing has been compromised by too much loud music.

Do not get arrogant, and do not get complacent. These are two things I do and they always end in relapse. I hope you never lie to your girlfriend again, but if you are anything like me you probably will. Be ready for it and try to catch yourself before you let it happen. The day will come when you think you are on the home stretch, then the cravings will start and the devil on your shoulder will tell you it is OK to do a little something and before you know it you have blown all your hard work.

Clutch at every straw of support that is available to you, every ray of hope increases your chances of making it.

Peace.

Dom

I'll keep you all updated with how I am feeling.

My friend didn't go to work today, and I can't wait to go to my apartment with him and flush the drugs, all the drugs.

She left me a message and a text message early this morning. She said that she is very angry and hurt, but we can work though it. She hopes my love for her can overcome any drug craving, and as I sit here I believe it.

I used to hate being asked questions, but I think that's over now. I feel like I never want to keep anything inside me, ever again.

Lollipop

Isnt the world much brighter when your sober Feel like you could walk on air with all that weight lifted off your shoulders????? I am so proud of you hun, you have come so far so fast and you are really doing it!!!! WTG!!!!

Stay strong!Im gonna pm u shortly.....
Liss

Sazzer

Yay Dom! I am sitting here smiling from ear to ear reading these posts! I hope you will never forget these past few days and the complete turn around you feel.

BUT, as 2dayz said, you need to come up with a plan, because it unfortunately won't always feel this wonderful. Keep thinking about going to NA, you don't have to pressure yourself, be gentle, but remember that this disease is one of isolation and it is easy to convince yourself that you can do it alone (by "alone" I mean not having others who are also in recovery to support you.)

I have been coasting on my own for almost a year and things have pretty much been great, but coming up on the one year "re-birth"day, I am realizing that I need much more than me to do this long-term. It was easy (for me) to slip into isolation or to obsess about other things than drinking (a man, food, shopping, etc etc) Granted, these things are better than drinking or drugging, but the point of NA/AA is to find a way to fill the void you were "filling up" with drugs and/or alcohol. It is a spiritual void.

Something to think about. But as always, you are loved and supported and I will continue to smile sitting here thinking about you today!!!

Saz

Dom

I am so grateful to all of you. If anyone feels the need to call, PM me and I'll give you my cellphone number. I will do anything for you guys.

My friend is coming over my parents house NOW, then we drive to my apartment. Also giving my 30 days notice to leave.

I will NEVER forget these past few days.

Dom

I got back to my parents house a little while ago, I flushed the rest of my drugs, a little bit of coke, weed, and 1 vicodin. It wasn't hard, just weird, the smell really bothered me.

I spoke to my landlords wife, and gave my 30 days notice.

Just now got off the phone with my mom, these latest phone calls we end it with "I love you", it feels good to be comfortable enough to say it.

edit: Also now getting ready to apply for a busboy job at a local Steakhouse. I worked for the company 6 years ago so hopefully they will take me in.

expenguin

Dom.......You are doing the right thing and I wanted to say KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK.............One day at a time is how it works in Recovery and you are on the right step..................Hang in there and go through with flushing those drugs...........This is the best thing you can do for yourself today.............This is the best step in your program to seeing the light at the end of the path.....................Life if full of surprises when you work your program.........Don't worry others in the program staring at you or anyone else thinking you don't belong............You are in the right place and need to keep coming back..........Meetings are good and contacts with others in Recovery is what you need today at this moment.......................The road to recovery was never meant to be easy.......You may fall more than once and that is ok.........Keep moving forward and think positive............Relationships need to be put aside while you are trying to straighten your own life out............Best to not let anything get in the way of your Recovery work...........I will keep you in my prayers and send you lots of Hugs today................If you need....Keep talking to your GF and let her know your progress within your program.......She needs to see the positive things going on............A sponsor can help you with the rest..........Don't let the GF rub her Degree thing into you too much.....It is one thing to really care about someone and another to rub in what she has accomplished through a masters program................She is all talk with this and isn't helping or encouraging you much...........Just keep up the good work........and like I said .....only tell the GF about the positive things and let her know that you flushed the drugs down the toilet and had a friend witness ...........................I will be thinking about you today as you move along in recovery.............Think Positive today and know you have friends in SR..........................Little Penguin

2dayzmuse

Good luck with the job. Stay on focus and be strong and aware.

Dom

No good on the 2nd job.

I filled out the application, gave it to the hostess and she came back and said we're not hiring busboys but the manager will call me if she needs me.

I felt disappointed walking back to the car and the drive home but... hey what can I do? I'll set my sites on another restaurant tomorrow and try again. I kind of don't want to feel that disappointment again today.

I feel good, I feel strong (because of all you guys), and now I think I'm going to spend the next couple hours cleaning my car. I see Kate in 3 hours, I have never been so giddy to see her.

edit: One more thing, because of 2dayzmuse's post, I'll go to a book store with Kate tonight and buy a book on recovery.

Time4Change

WOW!!! What a beautiful post, SweetNuff! Your NA experience is exactly like mine (and many, many others, I'm sure). Thank you so much for posting.

Dom, I'm so glad you're here. I just saw this thread today, and it was so moving to read from post to post, feeling your pain, fear, and self-loathing every step of the way. You're NOT a bad person, Dom. You have the disease of addiction. If left untreated, it will lead to jails, institutions or death.

The rooms of NA have become my family, also, just as for SweetNuff. I was just like you, Dom; I always felt like people were staring at me, making fun of me, talking about me, etc. (I've heard this referred to as SAD - Social Anxiety Disorder). Taking Vicodin helped me numb out those fears. Unfortunately, after years and years of painkiller abuse, I got to the point where I didn't care about anything. Addiction brought me to my knees.

Wanna know what my rock bottom was? My own daughter (14 at the time) wrote me a note, put it in my pill bottle in my purse, saying "These are bad. You need help". I wanted to die! I thought my life was over. How could I ever forgive myself? How would my husband, children, parents, friends, etc., ever forgive me? I was a liar, a cheat, and a thief. If I went to your house for a visit, I looked in your medicine cabinet. If you had any pills that I liked, I took them from you, and I didn't care that I was stealing from someone who trusted me. I drove my children, and other people's children, to and from school while stoned out of my mind on painkillers and benzos.

Today, I feel better than I ever have in my life! My family is so incredibly proud of me. My husband and children are very supportive and encouraging in regards to my recovery. They even attend some of my NA meetings with me! My fellowship (including my sponsor) all love my daughter. They call her a hero! (And so do I.) My daughter, now 16, is learning about recovery, she gets to see the changes and hear the tragedy people go through in addiction, and gets to experience their healing and recovery. I go to NA almost every night, and I look forward to it so much! I, like you, was totally terrified to go. But there was absolutely nothing to worry about. I walked into the room, after getting hug after hug at the door, sat down, and quietly sat and listened to people telling MY story over and over again. I realized I was NOT alone. I had to change everything, Dom. People, places and things. Through the fellowship of NA, I learned how to be the mom, wife, daughter, and true friend I'd always wanted to be. I work the 12 Steps with my sponsor, and they're teaching me how to live clean, free of drugs, and they show me how to forgive and ask for forgiveness. I'm working on my character defects; and that's a painful thing to look at. Soon I will be making the proper amends to my friends and family. I've been in recovery for a little over a year now, and everyone in my life can see the changes in me.

There IS hope! There are many, many people who completely understand and totally identify with you and what you're going through. So many things I see you beating yourself up for, it's not that you're a bad person, it's your addiction. It's the obsessive/compulsiveness of the disease of addiction. Like buying your dream car, when you knew it would be a financial burden. You pushed that part aside, because driving that car is like a drug to you; it's immediate gratification, a rush, euphoric. That's not necessarily immaturity, like you'd mentioned. From reading your posts, I certainly don't think of you as being immature. You sound very loving, caring, intelligent, and you are grasping at the rope, asking for help, because you don't want to live this way anymore. That's brave, Dom. I admire that.

There are many different 12-step programs in your area that can help you. Some even your girlfriend could attend, and learn that this isn't about her; you're not doing anything to her. Let her see the growth and changes in you, Dom. You'll all be amazed!

You're on your way! Glad you're here. Please keep posting!

Kelly

Dom

Kelly that post was so enlightening. You know me so well. Tears were rolling down my face with every sentence. Before I had zero intention of going to a meeting, now I am 50/50. Just being as honest as I can. I promise to keep posting, thank you so much.

TexasDawn

Hi Dom,
I have been following this thread and will keep you in my prayers. You are doing awesome!

I have been going to AA meetings. It's not easy for me because I have low self-esteem and feel so self-conscious, but the meetings are helping me and make me feel part of a "bigger something" - something that can help me, and hopefully someday I will be able to help others. I left AA along time ago and eventually relapsed. I thought I didn't need it anymore and after awhile convinced myself that I could learn to drink in moderation. What a joke that has been.

If you are not ready to go to meetings yet then at least I am glad to see you coming here to SR and posting. That is such a brave thing to do, especially for someone who has struggled with panic attacks.

You are doing GREAT!


love Dawn

Dom

Dawn, my parents cat is sleeping next to me now, so peaceful... they have the life don't they? Thanks for all the constant encouragement. I know I need it.

Kate called me and said that I could spend the night over her place (her parents are on vacation). It will be so nice to not be alone. I have a dozen roses in the fridge (6 yellow and 6 red). I also don't want to go back to my apartment alone, theres a few things I need (ie, cellphone charger) but it's so great knowing all my drug paraphernalia is gone.

Another thing that still bothers me is the smell of my car. I was going to shampoo the interior but a thunderstorm just started up.

Anna

Wow, buying a book on recovery, shampooing the 'memories' out of your car - I'm impressed Dom. It sounds like you're doing what you can to make this work. I'm sorry the job didn't work out, but everything happens for a reason and you'll probably find a better job waiting for you.

Sazzer

Yes, that job didn't work out because it wasn't the right job for right now. All in good time.

Dom

The guilt made everyday so gut-wrenching, I feel like an innocent child all over again, infact, I feel MORE innocent than when I was a child. I am so confident that I can do this... but I will be careful and aware of the demons of these drugs. I hope the book talks about the demon on my shoulder.

Dom

I wonder, do you guys suggest I get a 2nd job right away? I still put in 40 hours a week with my Union job, but as you all know my addictionS took all my money away and put me $15k in debt. Starting August 1st I get my first union raise, I'll be making $35k a year.

TexasDawn

I'm pretty sure that the general consensus in recovery is to not make any major changes the first few months or even for the first year. Of course this is not always practical, but if I was you I'd try to wait awhile to get that 2nd job. You don't want to add too much new stress right away.

As far as debt goes, my husband and I had a lot of debt and we used Christian Credit Counselors to help us. They REALLY helped! I highly recommend them. They called our creditors and got almost all of our interest rates lowered and they put us on a plan to get out of debt in 5 years. I can't tell you how grateful I felt to finally have that paid off!

Just my 2cents!

2dayzmuse

You bring up an excellent point. I don't want to tell you what to do, but finding some stability and sobriety would be a very wise thing to do before you take on another job. You will be saving money by quitting drugs. You will have that extra money to help out. We don't get ourselves in these messes overnight. It takes time to get out of them. Taking on a second job would be very time consuming and stressful. Think about it for awhile before you jump into it. One day at a time...