slayingthedrago

okay- have set my home page to SR and here I am a week later after a complete meltdown. I slept better last night, still having night sweats but not as bad. I'm stringing together 2-3 hours of sleep at a time without waking. Dreams are insane however...as many here have stated, I never dreamt before, (or didn't remember them). But now, they are vivid and disturbing and seem to last forever. This morning, for the first time in years, woke up with a smile and gratitude that I had undertaken this path. This was a first for the past 7 days. Prior, it had been survival mode- this morning I actually felt like a human being.

FreeOwl

hey Slayingthedrago.... thanks for sharing, congrats on the sobriety.... and hey, what a fantastic opening salvo to your recovery story!!! This is gonna be awesome.

SoberInCLE

It's true the world is a wonderful place and you will get to enjoy it! Hang in there and open yourself to all the resources that are available.

slayingthedrago

Great sleep last night- feeling much better a week later. thank you to all who have replied and contributed to this thread during the last week- it is helping me more than you know. Might be feeling a bit pink cloudy today (yesterday too). I am choosing to enjoy it for the time being. So grateful to be sober. It is my time, I'm done.

Optimist4ever57

I'm so happy you're here, Slayer. You ARE slaying that dragon :-)

advbike

Fantastic news my friend. You are doing an amazing job, and finally the sleep. The first reward. There will be many more if you stick with it. I sense real courage and determination here - keep it up!

slayingthedrago

thank you Advbike---another day down. 8 days without a drink and a week removed from my ER visit. What a difference a week and no alcohol can make. Wow. I can't even imagine what a month a year etc. can make on my body and my mind. Have not had 1 urge or craving. I know that this will come, but while it doesn't, it feels good. 1 thing I've noticed however, is that my mind is now filled with thoughts of work, stressors, anxieties, and worry for the future. (normal stuff, nothing too heavy....yet). Oh how my nightly gin let me say "eff it" to everything that everyone else used to stress over.

I feel determined, but honestly, not very courageous. I was at the point of a bayonet and I submitted.

Dee74

8 days is good slayingthedragon. Just keep doing what you’re doing

D

slayingthedrago

This morning I am grateful to: BiminiBlue,AdvBike,MizzP,Optimist,Cleveland, Steely,VKF, FreeOwl, Dee,Wastinglife,VKF,Sober45 for being there for me when I was at my lowest. Thank you all for commenting and for giving a *** about my situation. You are all great people.

Night sweats are a thing of the past. I have my 3 children here for xmas eve. We had a nice dinner last night and I remembered every moment of it. Typically, I would sit in the rocking chair nursing my gin while everyone else ate as I didn't want to interupt my "buzz" with food. (I told everyone that I just wasn't ready to eat or I had a sensitive stomach). Last night, I was at the table eating, toasting with water. While it wasn't perfect, (kids are all in early twenties, lots of sibling rivalry happening), it was still very nice. And, I am not hungover this morning. Still hopeful and happy- but pink cloud is dissapating.

Mizz

YAY! You are doing this, Slayin.
Its really nice to wake up hangover free and to remember the events the night before.
Pink clouds are a thing. I do understand and know how it feels when it leaves.

I think I will be drinking sparking apple cider tomorrow along with a nice dinner. I'm excited!

Thank you for being here. You are appreciated.
Merry Christmas Eve to you and your family!

Zebra1275

Welcome back!

Dee74

Glad things are on the improve Slaying

BrianK

This is huge for me. I think this was the missing link in my life. Whenever I'm talking, reading or posting with someone in recovery I feel safe, which I don't remember feeling since I was 5 years old before going off to school.

slayingthedrago

BrianK- this place is a god send with people who have been in our shoes and are doing it! We can too. It was a relief for me to come here and be honest with myself and others. For me, the feeling of safety is the understanding of our issues and the non-judgemental attitudes. I know that people in my regular life will be supportive but I imagine they are internally raising an eyebrow to my situation. Especially, since I have tried and failed several times in the past. (since 2014). Although I was able to hold it together for months at a time, a disaster was not only always lurking, but occured on several occasions. I don't cry very often but have had tears rolling down my face several times while on SR. That's ok, I'm letting myself feel what I feel.

Thank you Dee- I know you are a humble man but you are a helluva guy and much appreciated. Merry Christmas to you as well. And also to you MizzP, Brian and everyone else here.

My kids are off to their mom's and I'll be alone tonight and tomorrow but that's ok. I am feeling strong, committed, determined and ready to slay the you know what... ; ) 1 day at a time.

slayingthedrago

Making it thru Xmas...no cravings, feeling pretty good. The L in H.A.L.T was my only challenge today but xmas is only 1 day out of the year. Onward.

slayingthedrago

today is day 12 and I've had an epiphany while reading posts here on SR. I am slightly embarressed as it seems fairly obvious but here it is nonetheless. My last go at sobriety (2014/2015) lasted 6 months and during that time I was happy that I was sober and life WAS richer and deeper. However, I made the mistake of thinking that just the fact that I wasn't drinking, that i was going to be fulfilled and that there weren't going to be any problems or sadness or anxiety. I never connected the dots that drinking avoided all of that and only by being sober were we able to take on "life" with clear eyes. Stress and sadness weren't going to go away, emptiness wasn't going to go away. They were there, and that was a whole other discussion. That was my simplistic, alcoholic, easy way out thinking at the time. "hey, this whole sobriety thing isn't working, I'm still feeling stress and longing". Getting sober is really just the first 1/2 of the equation. No wonder I relapsed- dumb, dumb, dumb. : )

FreeOwl

Not dumb. Just alcoholic.

It's the same pattern followed by - well pretty much all of us.

No need to give yourself the negative self-talk.

You're back here. You see clearly. You know that recovery and sobriety mean keeping your head in the game. You know that it's more than just 'not drinking'. You've learned more about your own patterns and your own issues and your own emotions.

You're better armed than you were before.

You're alive, you're sober, you're here.

We can do this!

slayingthedrago

thank you for that FreeOwl- you are 100% correct.

advbike

Way to go SlayingtheDragon. You're sober, clear headed and coming to some healthy insights. But like FreeOwl said - don't be too hard on yourself - we all made mistakse, and there's no need to make it worse. Often we magnify the things we did in our head, which can eat us up, so you have to just let go of it. I made some mistakes when deep into my alcoholism and carried shame for decades but finally let it go (mostly). AA stepwork really can help in that regard.

Some of us are really good at the negative self talk, which can send us right back out again. You have a right to be proud of yourself and your progress. Now get out and enjoy each day and be happy about what you have accomplished.

Keep up the great work!

Mizz

Its all such a big learning process. For me, removing alcohol is one part of the equation. Getting down to the root of what is ailing me is another. Then learning new coping skills, which are not easy to learn, that take trial and error. I always like the saying "You don't know what you don't know".... So, no you are not dumb. Not at all. In fact, you are smart to come to this realization. A lot of people don't even take the time to figure out their ****.

I commend you for getting sober and for looking for the solutions.