Meraviglioso

I am just furious at my old doctor for blowing this off like it was nothing. I remember asking "but doctor, you know I am an alcoholic, is a benzo really the best for me?" and he was like "of course, it's no big deal, just relax" and so I did. Huge mistake, HUGE. I have been taking this crap for over four years now and this is pure hell. Every day to feel even slightly normal I must drink or take the medication. I honestly have no idea which is worse at this point. This new doctor, please dear god in heaven above, specialises in dual diagnosis so I really hope she can offer some insight.

If anyone out there is taking a benzo, my personal and independent opinion is to take it in pill form, NOT the drops. For some reason these liquid drops didn't even feel like real medication to me, I just put them on my tongue or added them to water and it didn't even feel real if that makes any sense. I have been off all pills since September, but these drops were just always there, so easily refilled. I am angry at the system which is mistaken because this is my fault, I do recognise that. But the doctors just kept giving them and recommending them to me, the pharmacy, even when I didn't have a prescription kept giving them to me "you know you need an updated prescription for this, right? ok, next time" I could literally go to 10 different pharmacies a day and they would give them to me. I didn't do that, but absolutely could have. Insane.

Aellyce

The 24th is quite far away though when you consider something like this, is it necessary to suffer that long? Is there a way to check in with the doctor over the phone or video chat? I would be very surprised if any decent doctor would not want to address this sooner and help you. Or if she is not available, maybe use another emergency service? Not necessarily something like the ambulance or ER as they usually focus more on immediate help and not so much on tinkering with a patient's medical care. Not the best analogy, but earlier this week I had an emergency with an infection that I never experienced before and was very uncomfortable. I didn't even bother contacting my regular GP but used one of those telehealth services where you can talk with a doctor within a couple hours. I did, got meds prescribed, and felt better by that evening and symptom-free the next day. It could potentially have been dangerous to wait, not speaking of the discomfort. Could have gone to an Urgent Care clinic as well but this way was faster/easier for a problem I already knew what it was, just needed medication. I imagine there are similar urgent services in Italy. Your issue is definitely more complex, but if you give a doctor the whole picture, including how you tend to relapse with drinking when the stress gets too high, they may be able to advise you. What you describe is a medical issue, not just something that takes finding the appropriate recovery method, support and mental discipline.

Yes, absolutely agree there is a lot wrong with the medical system when it comes to psychiatry. Not only benzos are prescribed too easily and recklessly, but many other things, and thousands of people suffer and even die from it. It's getting better now than, say, a few years ago, but still. And it is absolutely not easy to find a good doctor for psych care who is educated and thinks in a holistic way.

Maybe you also just need to acknowledge that it's not safe to get off all those substance at once (especially without help) and you do need a careful strategy.

Meraviglioso

We only have on-call doctors here, not an urgent care type facility. I will call them if I need but am trying to hold off. I've done a bit of housework and a bike ride today, am now going to take a bath to try and pull out some of the toxins and then go to bed. If I feel the sae way tomorrow I will call for the doctor and consider going to the hospital.

PalmerSage

Mera, this sounds so scary and awful. I hope you are able to get a good doctor to listen to you, and offer some relief that won't create an entirely new set of problems! Forgive me if I missed it, but are you able to travel back to the US anytime soon, even if it's to do a full medical workup and put you on a treatment plan that you can continue back in Italy? It just seems like you've had a lot of bad experiences there, and it might be easier to navigate and use the system here? Just an idea. Thinking good thoughts for you.

Meraviglioso

I love the idea of returning to the US for help but one, the virus prevents that and two, I couldn’t afford it. Fortunately here in Italy the medical care is free (paid by our taxes)

Dee74

Why hold off asking for help when it sounds like you need it Mera?

D

Meraviglioso

I really want to avoid using up too many resources of the medical system, they have already bailed me out a lot. I WILL call if things go south but right now I feel like I can get by. In any case, the doctor on call is just a general practitioner and would recommend I get to a psychiatrist. I have that appointment already set up, I just need to hold tight until then.

Philemon

YOU are strong and YOU can do this

Dee74

Some of us genuinely need more help than others though - and I include myself in that lot.

Remember there's no extra prizes for doing this alone - We all graduate with the same passing grade

if things do go south please do find help Mera - you're worth the effort.

D

timi0000

Meraviglioso, I used to be like you. Thinking there was no hope, that I could never change. I'd like to share with you what really helped me let go of my addiction. Maybe you can apply these ideas I am about to tell you in your life. The 2 things that enabled me to drop my addiction: 1. turning my life over to my Higher Power 2. Becoming more loving and helpful towards people.

Everyday I reaffirm that I am giving my life over to God, that I want him to come into my life, that I want to have a relationship with Him.

Becoming more loving started by posting positive messages on post it notes and leaving them in bathrooms and other public places. And then everyday I think of what I can to help someone that day or make their life easier. It has produced amazing results for me.

Delilah1

Hi Mera,

Maybe you can call and get on a waiting list for a sooner appointment. Do they have any group therapy Zoom classes that might be helpful for you as well?

How are are you doing with not drinking? Have you been able to see your boys at all the past few weeks?

I am always thinking about you my friend!

❤️ Delilah

Anna

I hope you feel better, Mera and that you can get through this. It sounds difficult, but hopefully will be worth the hard work that you're putting into it.

ant385

My personal opinion is you should not try and rush your benzo taper. Take it nice and slow. Years if it takes that long. I’m no expert but I know Benzo’s cause similar disruption to alcohol in your brain. This takes time to correct. maybe discuss this with your doctor in your next appointment? Wish you well

Steely

Haven't read entire thread Mera but wanted to say I have been benzo (valium) free for 18 months and am still suffering PAWS. It's not a competition I know, but benzo WD (for me) leaves alcohol in the shade. Be very cautious Mera. It TOTALLY sucks. Believe me.

There is a subset of people who have this response to benzo's.

And I tapered as advised.

Meraviglioso

Yikes, I am so sorry for you. I am working closely with my doctor, I do really like and trust her. As expected I immediately felt "strange" when I started the new meds. I know this is hard to believe as the meds are prescribed for the exact opposite reason, but once I start taking these psychiatric meds I feel and act more compulsive than ever. I am going to look into the genetic testing. Unfortunately, as is so common here in Italy, my doctor is on holiday for the entire month of August. While I appreciate this Italian idea of taking a month off, August really sucks here if you need to get anything done. For now I am trying to push through and take the meds as prescribed, but we will revisit this at our next appointment in September.

fini

hey Mera,
i don’t post often on your thread, but i always read and wonder how you are doing when you haven’t posted in a while.
hope the August that really sucks in Italy is manageable for you.

Meraviglioso

That is really kind of you to check in fini. I come on here every day but haven't posted so much as I feel like such a fraud. I am moving in the right direction but have kind of felt like until I get this thing really going I just can't post that much. I am not sure why, I certainly do not judge anyone struggling and hugely respect their courage to post, I guess I just don't have that kind of bravery right now. I am still doing the thing where I go a week or 10 days and then have a day or two of drinking. Not huge amounts, I am afraid of drinking on the new meds, but still, even a glass is a disappointment for me.
I am sticking it out with the meds. I don't feel exactly "right" on them but I have come to the place where I accept maybe I don't know what "right" actually feels like and am going to keep at it at least until I can speak with my doctor again.
I was thinking this morning of one thing I feel quite happy and proud about. I noticed it had been months since I had a fit of obsessive thoughts over my old psychiatrist. This is real progress for me. I used to have unrelenting pain, rage, sorrow and obsessive circling thoughts nearly 24 hours a day- when I was awake and then in my dreams. Just the most annoying, boring, ridiculous replay of every word or encounter I could remember, making up new fantasies, thinking about how I could have handled it differently. But for a good, long stretch now I have not thought of him- not even a thought that I had to push away, I just haven't thought of him- and no dreams. Sure, I thought of him this morning, but it was a "hey, I haven't thought of him in a long time" thought and no obsessing involved. I am very happy about this as I had worked with various therapists, psychiatrists on this, read numerous books... it was doing my head in.
Things are good with my kids, I continue to work at being a good mom. I'm doing my best but won't give up until "my best" matches my ultimate goal of 100% sobriety and at least a somewhat stable mental health situation. I accept the part of my mental health that isn't perfect, but I know for the sake of those that love me, and to be able to have the life I want, I need to put in the work daily.

ChloeRose63

I really get what you are talking about, Mera. I was relating to your post. Sometimes we need to remind ourselves to breathe. We are doing the best that we can at the moment.

fini

oh yay, one obsession fading away. what a relief!
hm...when you do this intermittent drinking in fairly low amounts, would it not feed the illusion that you can drink "normally"? and prolong it all?
nothing fraudulent about struggling, and sharing about it seems to be so helpful to many.
i hear you on the courage thing. i was reading on the LifeRing forum every day without ever showing up, while still drinking. in my case, i do know why. or, looking back, i THINK i know why: if i had posted, people would have encouraged me in my attempts to really stop, and clearly i wasn't quite willing yet. but that was me, and that was then. i was afraid of being pressured, or perceiving encouragement as pressure and then my resentment would have built and...blablahblah...ultimately, i was protecting my drinking.
no idea if any of that relates to where you're at.
good to see you, Mera.

lessgravity

What's up Mera? Was thinking about you. Hope you are doing the work.