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Was initially too ashamed but am going to post anyway

Old 06-21-2020, 02:19 AM
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Was initially too ashamed but am going to post anyway

And, here we are again. I drank. It has been bad. A very bad week.
A few things that sent me down the path. I had a meeting with my son's psychologist, which always sets me off, then a meeting with my CTP person who is monitoring me during the legal issues with my ex. My ex and I discussed ending everything now so we don't have to spend any more money. I would agree that he has full custody for now, but we could change that in the future. We would use a third party to decide how and when I could see the kids. My new psychiatrist (not the old one I had problems with) was arrested and charged with defrauding the government for false medical stuff- I can't even believe this, he is absolutely the most caring, loyal, incredible doctor I have ever met. But it will be a process for him and I am sorry about that. I haven't been on meds since September but was required to meet with him for legal reasons, now I need to find a new doctor, hopefully one who is supportive of my "no meds" approach. My long-term boyfriend, with whom I had a very on and off relationship has finally left me for good. Really, the end.
I just can't take anymore. But I know the ONLY way forward is sobriety, I have to get back there. NOTHING will improve if I keep drinking.
I didn't want to post because I was too embarrassed, but I realise now I have to be honest or nothing will change.
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Old 06-21-2020, 02:26 AM
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I’m glad you came back and posted, Mera, even if I’m not offering any advice. Most of us who have been here for a while know what needs to be done, but just have to figure out a way to keep at it. For many it seems to be total surrender and accepting that we can never, ever drink again. You have my support. All the best to you.
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Old 06-21-2020, 02:31 AM
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Thanks for that. I am really trying hard to figure out what to do now. I am doing my usual, up early, cleaned a little, I plan on taking on a big project later.
My boyfriend leaving me changes things significantly in terms of my visits with the children. I am only allowed to see them if someone else is with me. He was there, and we did fun things together like going to the beach or for bike rides. More than missing him I am sad about what this will mean for seeing my children. That sounds awful doesn't it? Like I was using him. I guess I was.
I signed up for that Better Help app, it's online counselling. I did that after the death of George Floyd, I just felt like I needed to speak in English with an American who could understand my emotions. I think in Italy they "get" racism, but I just felt like I wanted to speak to an American about this. This app has proven to be helpful but it is clear I need to do more.

Last edited by Dee74; 06-21-2020 at 04:41 AM. Reason: pm
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Old 06-21-2020, 03:14 AM
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I'm glad you posted too Mera. I'm embarrassed about my entire existence. Don't think for a moment you are alone there.

All we can do is get back up and give it another shot. If you're not part of the problem you are part of the solution.

I was seperated from my children when they were young. Not because I was a 'bad' mother, but because my husband and his family much more powerful than me and they won the day. I was young. I know how you must feel. Like you I saw them on weekends, etc., and see them now they are older. It can be made to work.

You have been through a lot as a woman Mera. Just get back in the saddle and ride out proud.

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Old 06-21-2020, 03:17 AM
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I'm glad you're back too Mera.
You have every reason in the world to stay sober. That voice that tells you that you cannot cope and drinking will help is a liar.

D
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Old 06-21-2020, 03:23 AM
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I know that you know the most important thing is your sobriety. Without that nothing will turn out well. It's the most important thing in your life and should be treated as such. Best wishes and stay close to SR!
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Old 06-21-2020, 05:41 AM
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Its still better than drinking everyday. I still think your doing good. I used to drink everyday. I have stopped for a year now but if I only drank once a month I would still call that a victory. Dont be ashamed, be proud.
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Old 06-21-2020, 06:00 AM
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Mera, I'm glad you came back to post. I recognize that pride that prevents us from connecting to the very people that can understand.

I've been through the cycle more times than I can count. Learning that I could get to the point of being powerless over the first drink is something I could have done without. But I guess not, because here I am. I understand how frustrating and demoralizing it is, this beating at the gate of true and lasting freedom from addiction. It's awful and I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Sounds to me like maybe you're feeling terribly alone right now? That's hard, but maybe learning to be confident in your self-contained being is the thing to be learned (or relearned) here.

Just a thought.

O
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Old 06-21-2020, 06:12 AM
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Please don't be embarrassed Mera. This thing we all fight is a vicious opponent. There is no shame in losing a round here and there. I'm glad you see a path forward sober. It really is the only way to handle life, especially when you have so many curve balls coming at you. Lots of things happening out of your control. I'm really glad you posted Mera.
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Old 06-21-2020, 06:14 AM
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Sorry you drank, Mera. One question though: do you actually want to be 100% abstinent, long-term? Just asking, because you did try a lot of things for your recovery and this thing keeps repeating still somewhat, with lower frequency. You do achieve good chunks of seemingly satisfying sobriety, with these short intermittent drinking episodes here and there. I know this forum advocates for complete sobriety for addicts, but there are other approaches (they are called "harm reduction" and other things) as well, and many people actually find them a better fit and, ultimately, more manageable. This is not to validate your drinking, just looking for something realistic.

If you do strive for 100% sobriety though, then these arguments you usually report for picking up are not truly valid, as you also know. They are stressors and you do seem to have a lot of stresses in your life. The thing to do about them is to see whether they could be avoided in the first place, e.g. looking at your own choices, and to find other ways of coping. For example, these psychologist/psychiatrist people you see and often idealize... long-term on/off relationship... and some of the other things are direct consequences of your drinking.

What I am saying here is not what you might want to hear, just trying to say something different this time. In any case, I hope you get back on track again.
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Old 06-21-2020, 06:21 AM
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Originally Posted by Meraviglioso View Post
And, here we are again. I drank. It has been bad. A very bad week.
A few things that sent me down the path.
Sobriety that depends on everything being perfect is the most fragile sobriety of all.
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Old 06-21-2020, 06:55 AM
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Mera, I hope that you can past this relapse and move forward.

You are strong enough to deal with the tough weeks. It's your AV that's making you believe that you won't be able to manage, but you will.
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Old 06-21-2020, 07:19 AM
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Sending you a huge hug Mera.
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Old 06-21-2020, 07:46 AM
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Sad to hear that you decided to drink Mera. You know I'm in your corner. But what's most important is that you are back here. What is it going to take for you to finally embrace permanent sobriety?
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Old 06-21-2020, 09:10 AM
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Originally Posted by Aellyce2 View Post
Sorry you drank, Mera. One question though: do you actually want to be 100% abstinent, long-term? Just asking, because you did try a lot of things for your recovery and this thing keeps repeating still somewhat, with lower frequency. You do achieve good chunks of seemingly satisfying sobriety, with these short intermittent drinking episodes here and there. I know this forum advocates for complete sobriety for addicts, but there are other approaches (they are called "harm reduction" and other things) as well, and many people actually find them a better fit and, ultimately, more manageable. This is not to validate your drinking, just looking for something realistic.

If you do strive for 100% sobriety though, then these arguments you usually report for picking up are not truly valid, as you also know. They are stressors and you do seem to have a lot of stresses in your life. The thing to do about them is to see whether they could be avoided in the first place, e.g. looking at your own choices, and to find other ways of coping. For example, these psychologist/psychiatrist people you see and often idealize... long-term on/off relationship... and some of the other things are direct consequences of your drinking.

What I am saying here is not what you might want to hear, just trying to say something different this time. In any case, I hope you get back on track again.

I really appreciate your straight forward honesty. You are correct, I find stress everywhere and use it as an excuse to drink. I want full sobriety, not harm management. I think the final break from my boyfriend is a good thing. He hated me when I was drinking yet regularly offered me wine when we dined together. He claimed to understand I couldn’t just have a glass like he could and would scream and yell if I got drunk, but the next week would pour me a glass of wine with lunch or dinner claiming I could learn to appreciate wine as a part of a meal, not a way to escape. Not his fault, non-alcoholics don’t understand. It is my responsibility to take care of myself. But he also seemed to hold the “harm reduction “ theory. As does my Italian psychologist. He says as long as I don’t do anything wrong, just lock myself in the house and get drunk in private then it is what it is. The important thing is the kids, my ex, whomever doesn’t know. But that’s not what I want. I want to be sober forever. Obviously I ****** up, but I’ll never stop trying.
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Old 06-21-2020, 03:01 PM
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I had same Mera. Being offered a drink by other(s) who had previously been critical of my drinking. I think it was more about them maintaining their own position (harm reduction) on alcohol than anything to do with my good health.

Had a boss say once, "just drink more slowly". 😂

Harm reduction never worked for me either.
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Old 06-21-2020, 03:36 PM
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Hello Mera, no need to feel ashamed for posting this- I think most of us can relate to your situation. The thing is you need to be able to handle difficult situations
without turning to drink to cope. I think you know yourself that alcohol will improve nothing and will make everything worse and with the separation now you will probably be facing
challenging times ahead unfortunately. You've been on this site a while now, how about developing a new plan moving forward to stay sober?
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Old 06-21-2020, 11:21 PM
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I'm sorry you hit a rough patch but never let shame keep you from SR! We've all done things we're ashamed of but as you say, we must honestly confront our failings if we're to move past them and live the kind of lives we want for ourselves.
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Old 06-22-2020, 02:31 AM
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I'm so glad you posted, Mera. You have had a lot on your plate lately, and you should not be coping with this alone. We are here for you.
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Old 06-22-2020, 10:47 AM
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Good to see you, Mera. Glad you posted. Don't have a ton of advice, but I just wanted you to know you also have my support.
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