Was initially too ashamed but am going to post anyway
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: St.Petersburg, FL.
Posts: 1,077
Hey, Mera. I am very glad you posted and that you will never stop trying. It took me a long time and many relapses before sobriety finally stuck for me. These times are particularly stressful and full of land mines, and I hope that you find a sober plan that will work for you. Wishing you all the best--I hope you stick around and post often.
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,044
Keep working on sobriety, Meraviglioso. I do believe that everyone who really tries with all their heart and soul to have a sober life will get there. I hope you get there sooner rather than late. Every time you drink again you're hurting your body and mind. 
Just a quick comment: My father committed medicare fraud. He was a careless drunk and was probably taken advantage of by a corrupt methadone clinic that got him to sign off on claims for patients he'd never seen. Or maybe he was just trying to push all the $ he could to a clinic he believed in -- he was that kind of man. The feds actually came and questioned him as he lay dying from an incurable disease. Not every fraud is the same, and it doesn't mean your psychiatrist was a bad person.
Just a quick comment:
Originally Posted by Meraviglioso 
My new psychiatrist (not the old one I had problems with) was arrested and charged with defrauding the government for false medical stuff- I can't even believe this, he is absolutely the most caring, loyal, incredible doctor I have ever met.
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Hey Mera,
I was thinking of you today and was really struck by the memory of you saying your Italian psychologist is a harm reduction guy. This, along with the boyfriend who would encourage you to drink, is really concerning to me. See, I'm a long-time quitter too. Been at this for somewhere around the same amount of time as you have, maybe more. So my concern doesn't come from a judgey place, more like a distant "I think I might recognize you" place. Because I am distant. And because it is so much easier to see things in others that we can't see in ourselves sometimes. Mind you, I haven't even hit the 5 month mark yet, so you are free to disregard everything I say. But don't.
You say that you really want to quit, full stop, done forever. Why, then, would you stay with a man (I know he's gone now) who doesn't respect what a serious issue drinking is for you? And why would you sign up with a new psychologist who thinks moderation is fine - no, that getting plastered is fine as long as it's in private? That doesn't make even a little bit of sense, does it? But it does if you want someone to give you permission to drink when you feel like it. That was certainly the type of dynamic I had with my now long-gone ex amore. In fact, I think he liked it when I drank too much even once he knew I had a serious problem. I think he liked that he could manipulate me more that way, and that he actually capitalized on how bad it made me feel about myself. Not that he wanted me to feel bad (though maybe he did), but that he was able to better control me because he knew how bad I felt about it. And in turn, I had every reason to drink too much because he was such a heartless jerk.
Anyhow, the point is that this turned out to be a much harder fight than I ever bargained for. I'm a smart person. I read other people's stories. I listened in meetings. I knew it was going to be hard. But I think it's one of those things like childbirth - no one can ever tell you exactly how hard it is until you go through it. And of course, I thought I had more grit and determination than anyone else - I was going to be different. Didn't work out that way, except for maybe in the opposite direction. I continued to drink without major life-changing repercussions for a very long time. I amazed even my therapist, who works with quite a few addicts. Not something I want on my tombstone, "She maintained some kind of miserable functioning life longer than anyone else on the planet!"
It's more than not giving up trying. It's being willing to sit, really sit with your discomfort when things upset you. And you have lots of opportunity it seems. I did too. I had/have the best chance of remaining sober by eliminating everything and everyone from my life that does not support my sobriety. That leaves me with my feelings and reactions that come at me out of the blue - over the smallest things, really. But they're not small because they upset me - and that they upset me points me to something important, something I need to learn to live with if I can't control it.
I hope this doesn't sound preachy. It's from my heart. I found something and I just wanted to share it with you. Do Every Single Thing you can to support your lifelong commitment to never drink again. You'll find confidence and peace on the other side, I promise.
O
I was thinking of you today and was really struck by the memory of you saying your Italian psychologist is a harm reduction guy. This, along with the boyfriend who would encourage you to drink, is really concerning to me. See, I'm a long-time quitter too. Been at this for somewhere around the same amount of time as you have, maybe more. So my concern doesn't come from a judgey place, more like a distant "I think I might recognize you" place. Because I am distant. And because it is so much easier to see things in others that we can't see in ourselves sometimes. Mind you, I haven't even hit the 5 month mark yet, so you are free to disregard everything I say. But don't.
You say that you really want to quit, full stop, done forever. Why, then, would you stay with a man (I know he's gone now) who doesn't respect what a serious issue drinking is for you? And why would you sign up with a new psychologist who thinks moderation is fine - no, that getting plastered is fine as long as it's in private? That doesn't make even a little bit of sense, does it? But it does if you want someone to give you permission to drink when you feel like it. That was certainly the type of dynamic I had with my now long-gone ex amore. In fact, I think he liked it when I drank too much even once he knew I had a serious problem. I think he liked that he could manipulate me more that way, and that he actually capitalized on how bad it made me feel about myself. Not that he wanted me to feel bad (though maybe he did), but that he was able to better control me because he knew how bad I felt about it. And in turn, I had every reason to drink too much because he was such a heartless jerk.
Anyhow, the point is that this turned out to be a much harder fight than I ever bargained for. I'm a smart person. I read other people's stories. I listened in meetings. I knew it was going to be hard. But I think it's one of those things like childbirth - no one can ever tell you exactly how hard it is until you go through it. And of course, I thought I had more grit and determination than anyone else - I was going to be different. Didn't work out that way, except for maybe in the opposite direction. I continued to drink without major life-changing repercussions for a very long time. I amazed even my therapist, who works with quite a few addicts. Not something I want on my tombstone, "She maintained some kind of miserable functioning life longer than anyone else on the planet!"
It's more than not giving up trying. It's being willing to sit, really sit with your discomfort when things upset you. And you have lots of opportunity it seems. I did too. I had/have the best chance of remaining sober by eliminating everything and everyone from my life that does not support my sobriety. That leaves me with my feelings and reactions that come at me out of the blue - over the smallest things, really. But they're not small because they upset me - and that they upset me points me to something important, something I need to learn to live with if I can't control it.
I hope this doesn't sound preachy. It's from my heart. I found something and I just wanted to share it with you. Do Every Single Thing you can to support your lifelong commitment to never drink again. You'll find confidence and peace on the other side, I promise.
O
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 2,654
Dear Mera, my friend, how are you today? Please don't feel ashamed. I've found it's the nature of my AV, to use shame (and resentments) to propel me towards a drink. Instead, shame on the opportunistic AV, it's a liar. always. Thinking of you and your boys x.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
It’s bad friends. I don’t know how to stop this cycle. I asked my dad if he could come stay with me for the summer but it looks like the EU is closing borders and not allowing Americans in. Someone on an expat forum suggested I ask my psychologist for a letter stating I need someone here with me, but he is too afraid he will get stuck here and as he accepted a teaching job at a University for the fall doesn’t want to risk it. I am at the point where I would pay for a guardian to come stay with me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
No, not at the moment. I have changed house for a few days, am staying at one of the villas I look after. I am hoping a change of scenery will help. At my house I can get alcohol at over 15 different places all within a 2 minute walk or bike ride. I am secluded here, there is one bar nearby but involves a ridiculously steep walk that I don’t have the strength to take on. There is wine in the house but it is the private and expensive collection of the owner and even though I won’t respect myself I would never drink his wine.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2017
Location: United States
Posts: 2,547
Mera, I've read your posts before and I wonder how difficult the experience of living abroad must be for you. Since your dad can't come to you, are you able to go home to the US to seek some medical treatment and reconnect with your family here?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
Originally Posted by PalmerSage
Mera, I've read your posts before and I wonder how difficult the experience of living abroad must be for you. Since your dad can't come to you, are you able to go home to the US to seek some medical treatment and reconnect with your family here?
Thanks for this comment. Living abroad is GREAT for a lot of people. Other people not so much, I am one of them. I have spoken for years with various therapists, “friends”, family members, etc who recognize the difficulty I have had integrating into a new culture. I learned the language fluently, I follow strange rules but I have never made here, HOME. I am miserable. While I am aware I would be miserable anywhere in the condition I am in at least I’d be miserable at home. I would have left years ago if not for the kids but am actually considering leaving despite that. Their father has said he will send them for visits four times a year. I am not sure what to do. I once heard someone say “Italy is amazing despite the ***** food and disgusting wine”. A joke, but I actually get it.
soberfighterwriter
Join Date: Jan 2020
Posts: 1,732
Mera, I am in the process of moving to another town with my partner, leaving my child behind. She is 13 and was given the offer to come with us, but her father said no and she is staying with him. It is a seven hour drive, so I'm expecting to see her about once a month. Granted, this is for one year only, but still. I totally understand where you're coming from, we are mothers, and society dictates that mothers are not allowed to leave their children. Everyone I talk to is shocked that I'm going through with this, even though I know it's the best decision for ME. I bet if I were a man, people would never have reacted that strongly.
What I mean to say is that you should do what's best for YOU as a human being. You are so many things, not just a mother, and you deserve to be happy. If you're staying in Italy solely for your children, you will probably end up being a person you don't want to be, and it could end in the worst way. Listen to your inner voice. You have struggled for so long, maybe it's time to give yourself a break? The kids will understand, and it doesn't make you a terrible mother. Remember what the flight attendants say: Put your own mask on first. The kids are better off with a happy and healthy mother they see four times a month, than a miserable mother close by. Just my five cents.
What I mean to say is that you should do what's best for YOU as a human being. You are so many things, not just a mother, and you deserve to be happy. If you're staying in Italy solely for your children, you will probably end up being a person you don't want to be, and it could end in the worst way. Listen to your inner voice. You have struggled for so long, maybe it's time to give yourself a break? The kids will understand, and it doesn't make you a terrible mother. Remember what the flight attendants say: Put your own mask on first. The kids are better off with a happy and healthy mother they see four times a month, than a miserable mother close by. Just my five cents.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Fingerlakes,NY
Posts: 4,536
Oh girl. I am sorry you are having such a hard time. I have read your posts since you joined. I feel you worry so much what people think that you have lost yourself. As said in the previous post take care of you. Unless you do you won’t be able to take care of anyone else. You are a warm empathetic person and you deserve to be happy. I wish I could hug you (I am not much of a hugger) because I get it. I truly wish you peace.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 2,654
Hi Mera 🤗, I'm sorry for what caused you to post again, but feel like I know that you'll choose the right thing to do, for the sake of yourself and your boys. From where I'm sitting, outside in, I wish I too could reach through my computer screen and hug you, wish I lived near and able to visit you, but I can't. Yet, yet, I relapsed last year after two and a half years of sobriety, that I fought for, for many, many years. And I regained sobriety by posting on SR, writing, receiving supportive, insightful input. I don't know whether your posting more will help you Mera, but recently, you seem to have only posted when you've drank.
Please post when you're not drinking and maybe, just maybe, the SR membership can try their very best to support you, or point you in the right direction. You have a lot of friends here Mera.
Please post when you're not drinking and maybe, just maybe, the SR membership can try their very best to support you, or point you in the right direction. You have a lot of friends here Mera.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,431
Originally Posted by Meraviglioso
Thanks for this comment. Living abroad is GREAT for a lot of people. Other people not so much, I am one of them. I have spoken for years with various therapists, “friends”, family members, etc who recognize the difficulty I have had integrating into a new culture. I learned the language fluently, I follow strange rules but I have never made here, HOME. I am miserable. While I am aware I would be miserable anywhere in the condition I am in at least I’d be miserable at home. I would have left years ago if not for the kids but am actually considering leaving despite that. Their father has said he will send them for visits four times a year. I am not sure what to do. I once heard someone say “Italy is amazing despite the ****** food and disgusting wine”. A joke, but I actually get it.
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