Divorce? - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Go Back   SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information >
Register Blogs FAQ Members List Calendar Arcade Mark Forums Read

LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 05-17-2019, 05:24 PM   #1 (permalink)

Join Date: May 2019
Posts: 4


Hi this is my first post here and I am desperate to find advice. My husband has been sober for 3 months today, but he says he doesn't feel any different than when he was drinking, except maybe worse because he doesn't have alcohol to numb the pain. He did a 28 day in patient program and from there went to a sober living house. We have 4 year old twins together and I couldn't handle having him come home until he was much better. I have recently tried being compassionate with him instead of bitter because watching him still suffer really is painful. I have told him I want a divorce numerous times in the last year as his drinking got worse and worse and expressed to him that I do love him but I'm not in love with him anymore. I deeply loved the man I married but he isn't sure he is still in there. I told my husband I want to really try to see if we can save our marriage and possibly have him come home once we have worked things out a bit but he now doesn't think he is in love with me and thinks he has done too much to get past that has hurt me and doesn't want to live with the shame and the guilt. One day he says file for divorce because it's too much to get past and the next he says he is confused. The limbo is what is killing me, I don't need a promise other than he wants to work on saving our family but he says he can't concentrate on anything other than staying sober right now. We are married but don't live together and only talk when planning for him to see the kids. He doesn't liked coming to the house where he drank in secret so I meet him at parks and we usually argue while watching them play. Should I just accept that our marriage can't survive this? The limbo is killing me because I don't even know if there is anything there to fight for any more
Frog1234 is offline   Reply With Quote
Frog1234 found treatment at None (N/A)
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Frog1234 For This Useful Post:
Anna (05-17-2019), least (05-17-2019)
Old 05-17-2019, 05:42 PM   #2 (permalink)
wehav2day's Avatar

Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: ohio
Posts: 3,523
Welcome, Frog,

I donít know your situation, but I do know one thing is true: at 3 months sober, being sober does indeed take all of your energy and attention.

A lot of old timers say not to make any big changes for a year.

I didnít feel like a whole person for a year. I didnít feel I could trust my own emotions. I had been so bogged down by booze, but it was also the only way I knew to be. So when I quit, I started FEELING everything. All the dumb things Iíd done, all the emotions Iíd numbed came back times 100. Itís really hard to get and stay sober, but itís worth it.

When we recover, we donít typically go back to who we were before we got addicted. We do tend to change. Most of us end up better than we were. But not all of us do.

And you are not obligated to wait and see.

Do what you think is right for you and your kids. I hope you do some things just for yourself. You are in a difficult situation, if you donít treat yourself with care and respect nobody else will.

I hope you keep posting, thereís a lot of good support here.
wehav2day is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to wehav2day For This Useful Post:
Dee74 (05-17-2019), least (05-17-2019), mnjen (05-18-2019)
Old 05-17-2019, 05:49 PM   #3 (permalink)
Anna's Avatar

Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 51,397
Welcome, and I'm glad to hear your husband is working on his recovery. Clearly it would take commitment from both of you to make the marriage work. I think it's up to you to decide whether or not to wait for your husband to decide what he wants to do. You can also decide what you want and need to do for yourself and your happiness. You might also like to check out AlAnon in your city as a support for you.
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.

Marianne Williamson
Anna is online now   Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Anna For This Useful Post:
Dee74 (05-17-2019), least (05-17-2019)
Old 05-17-2019, 06:35 PM   #4 (permalink)
bona fido dog-lover
least's Avatar

Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: eastern USA
Posts: 78,457
Blog Entries: 32
Welcome to the family. I would suggest AlAnon too, for support for yourself. We also have a friends and family forum, specifically for people in your situation. Give it a look, might find some insight there.
I'd rather live in my car with my dogs than live in a castle without them.

Dogs may not be our whole lives, but they make our lives whole.

Don't wait for the Last Judgement. It takes place every day. -Albert Camus

Find the good and praise it. - Alex Haley
least is online now   Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to least For This Useful Post:
Dee74 (05-17-2019)
Old 05-17-2019, 07:08 PM   #5 (permalink)
Dee74's Avatar

Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 175,854
Blog Entries: 1
Welcome Frog

As an alcoholic I had to stop drinking but I also had to work at being happy in my life.

Sounds like maybe your husbands stuck on that second phase.

It took me about 3 months to work that out - so hopefully he may too?

If there's no sign of that there's not much you can do if he doesn't want to do any more than he's doing.

Like others have said, you'll find a lot of support here. Do also check out our Family and Friends forums too


Do whats best for you and your children - it's a good rule of thumb.

Dee74 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-17-2019, 10:11 PM   #6 (permalink)
Dave42001's Avatar

Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Colorado
Posts: 3,138
Iím sorry youíre going through this. I agree with Anna & Least regarding Al Anon.

Al‑Anon is support program for people whose lives have been affected by someone else's drinking, I.e. spouses, family members etc and you will be able to meet other people locally that have been or currently through this.

First and foremost take care of you and the twins.. wishing you the best.
Dave42001 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-17-2019, 11:54 PM   #7 (permalink)
abgator's Avatar

Join Date: Apr 2019
Location: Gainesville, Fl
Posts: 185
You essentially just said that neither of you are still in love with the other. The drinking could very well be an excuse. Either way, just move on.
abgator is offline   Reply With Quote

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

All times are GMT -7. The time now is 11:09 AM.