Divorce?
 

Hi this is my first post here and I am desperate to find advice. My husband has been sober for 3 months today, but he says he doesn't feel any different than when he was drinking, except maybe worse because he doesn't have alcohol to numb the pain. He did a 28 day in patient program and from there went to a sober living house. We have 4 year old twins together and I couldn't handle having him come home until he was much better. I have recently tried being compassionate with him instead of bitter because watching him still suffer really is painful. I have told him I want a divorce numerous times in the last year as his drinking got worse and worse and expressed to him that I do love him but I'm not in love with him anymore. I deeply loved the man I married but he isn't sure he is still in there. I told my husband I want to really try to see if we can save our marriage and possibly have him come home once we have worked things out a bit but he now doesn't think he is in love with me and thinks he has done too much to get past that has hurt me and doesn't want to live with the shame and the guilt. One day he says file for divorce because it's too much to get past and the next he says he is confused. The limbo is what is killing me, I don't need a promise other than he wants to work on saving our family but he says he can't concentrate on anything other than staying sober right now. We are married but don't live together and only talk when planning for him to see the kids. He doesn't liked coming to the house where he drank in secret so I meet him at parks and we usually argue while watching them play. Should I just accept that our marriage can't survive this? The limbo is killing me because I don't even know if there is anything there to fight for any more

Welcome, Frog,

I don’t know your situation, but I do know one thing is true: at 3 months sober, being sober does indeed take all of your energy and attention.

A lot of old timers say not to make any big changes for a year.

I didn’t feel like a whole person for a year. I didn’t feel I could trust my own emotions. I had been so bogged down by booze, but it was also the only way I knew to be. So when I quit, I started FEELING everything. All the dumb things I’d done, all the emotions I’d numbed came back times 100. It’s really hard to get and stay sober, but it’s worth it.

When we recover, we don’t typically go back to who we were before we got addicted. We do tend to change. Most of us end up better than we were. But not all of us do.

And you are not obligated to wait and see.

Do what you think is right for you and your kids. I hope you do some things just for yourself. You are in a difficult situation, if you don’t treat yourself with care and respect nobody else will.

I hope you keep posting, there’s a lot of good support here.

Welcome, and I'm glad to hear your husband is working on his recovery. Clearly it would take commitment from both of you to make the marriage work. I think it's up to you to decide whether or not to wait for your husband to decide what he wants to do. You can also decide what you want and need to do for yourself and your happiness. You might also like to check out AlAnon in your city as a support for you.

Welcome to the family. :grouphug: I would suggest AlAnon too, for support for yourself. We also have a friends and family forum, specifically for people in your situation. Give it a look, might find some insight there. :hug:

Welcome Frog :)

As an alcoholic I had to stop drinking but I also had to work at being happy in my life.

Sounds like maybe your husbands stuck on that second phase.

It took me about 3 months to work that out - so hopefully he may too?

If there's no sign of that there's not much you can do if he doesn't want to do any more than he's doing.

Like others have said, you'll find a lot of support here. Do also check out our Family and Friends forums too :)

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family

Do whats best for you and your children - it's a good rule of thumb.

D

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I agree with Anna & Least regarding Al Anon.

Al‑Anon is support program for people whose lives have been affected by someone else's drinking, I.e. spouses, family members etc and you will be able to meet other people locally that have been or currently through this.

First and foremost take care of you and the twins.. wishing you the best.

You essentially just said that neither of you are still in love with the other. The drinking could very well be an excuse. Either way, just move on.