Pajanickah

When I was twelve, my mother sent me away to live with her parents "because she could only afford one."

I have a younger brother who my, mother blatantly loves more than me.

When I lived with my grandparents, my grandpa severly abused me. I always tried explaining to my mom, but she wont accept it.

They live right across the street from eachother and my mom caters to his every need. My mom didnt accept i was gay till I was 26 - and i came out to her when I was 9.

I've come to terms with it very long ago - well actually i haven't. However she won't accept it and it's destroyed our relationship from that day forward. She doesn't believe me.

Pajanickah

It was the defining moment in my life that I've never really gotten over. I just want her to take ownership over it and she refuses.

I've even confronted her with them together and they call me a liar. In all honesty I should have let go of her a long time ago, but she's my mom and i love her deeply.

It's just been this whole family separation ever since.

biminiblue

I'm sorry for your past pain...I couldn't get over stuff while I was still drinking.

It gets better.

I try not to dwell on the past too much, there is a lot there I could get mired in. I find a long walk outdoors always helps...or a funny movie. Have you eaten?

Pajanickah

My mother is just like me, however she harbors no addiction. My mom has had sex with 1 person in her life. 1. There's some underlying certainty to that.

I just want her to own up.

Pajanickah

But, she probably never wont, because "she doesn't like to play the remember game". I

I'm not stupid. I know my mother was raped. I was never raped (thank you Jesus). I just need her to own it.

Pajanickah

But as I asked her on my text messages "please respond to me". She clearly doesn't want to cause I can see when she reads them.

My mother has no intent on cleaning up the past. My mother has no extensions to making things clear for me. My mom clearly doesn't respect me and I'm okay with that. Because, well, she gave me life. It's hard to wrap your mind around it. And i can't knock my mom for her pain...because she won't let it go.

It's just that simple. I don't believe she'll ever let it go.

Numblady

You apologized. You said your peace. Sober time for you is priority number one. I can tell you are in so much pain over immediate blow up but also the long term lack of validation for what you know to be true and for who you are as a gay man. You can’t fix that lack of validation or respect today. Or this week. Or later next week. Or maybe ever Can you get some professional help and focus on that? All you can do is get yourself healthy enough to where you know you can only control yourself, your decisions, your reactions. You said you were open to seeing a psychiatrist? Instead of replaying the tape of what’s happened with your family can you work on getting that set up? Many hugs to you.

Pajanickah

My mom let me go at such a young age. It's super hard to deal with. I don't think I'll ever get used to it.

My childhood was stollen when I was 12. I had to adjust to life at 12. Like every life lesson I had to learn quickly. And I think they did it to me because I'm gay. I truly feel this and I've felt it before this monster controlled my life.

Numblady

I wouldn’t say you need to get used to it. But your childhood was stolen and you endured so much, can you take some steps now so the rest of your life doesn’t have to be stolen too? You deserve some support in figuring how to get what you need and deserve from this point forward. Which may or may not come from your family admitting the pain they inflicted. And continue to inflict.

Pajanickah

God you just opened my mind

Pajanickah

@numblady I'm gonna need my mom to get on board. In 35, I've been fighting her 20 years. She's gotta man up

Pajanickah

She's gotta own her mistakes. She has to.

Pajanickah

I'm gonna be honest. I'll never get beter until she does. Never.

Pajanickah

And I'm scared she's gonna do it to me until the day she dies. That's a mother*****&

Pajanickah

But let her. I can't do anything about it.

Pajanickah

She sucks at life. It's not her fault, it's her father's fault.

That's why i dont knock her.

Pajanickah

She's a fool. She did it to herself.

The only mistake she made in life was not standing up for her self - the one and only killed our mother and son relationship. Point blank.

Pajanickah

And i dont feel bad for her. She did this to herself, sober and did nothing about it. I feel nothing for her situation

Pajanickah

I know this sounds bad, but she deserves it. She never raised me, she always put me off. Karma is a bit@@. I hate sying it, but i dont feel bad.

Anna

Pajanickah, you are understandably full of resentment, bitterness and anger. You will not get better until you let go of those things. You cannot make your mother own up to her part in what happened to you. The longer you hold on to these negative emotions, the more power and control your mother has over you. Step away. Begin to forgive her. And, I don't mean you should accept what she did to you and that she didn't believe you. I mean, let go of the burden you are carrying and move on. Live your life and focus on your recovery.