Pajanickah

So this year has been really good to me up until recently. I starting to see my old chaotic behaviors resurface. I work in the restaurant industry and made the decision to start working at a breakfast restaurant to remove myself from the temptations of alchohol and honestly it has been one of the best decisions I have ever made. However I continued to drink once or twice a month, but no more than two bottles of wine in a sitting - which is still a whole lot but not the magnitude of what I put myself through last year.

Over the last month, I have made some really stupid decisions. I invited an alcoholic friend from, New York to come and live with me so that I may be able to help her get a freah start on life. She stayed for two weeks and drank the entire time she was her. Never a dry period for her. The first five days I let everything go and feel into a really major binge which ended me up in the hospital for the first time in almost two years. It was at that point I made the decision to ask her to leave. Which really made me feel terrible.

The day before she came, I met a guy, but not just any guy a young homeless man who I felt real empathy for and we immediately jumped into a relationship (against my better judgment). After he was there a few days, he left because he didn't like the excess of my drinking which ultimately broke my spirit a little. He didn't use or drink which I found absolutely amazing. He did return a few days later, but he could not get along with my friend and I was constantly being thrown into the middle of their stupid arguments. It was all very strange and really quick. After I sent her home, things went well between he and I, but I couldn't understand for the life if me why he wouldn't ve proactive about changing his life and get out of the street way of thinking. So after about 2 weeks I asked him to leave. Again, it went very smoothly, but too smoothly.

I ended up just dropping him off back downtown on the streets. It really made me feel terrible as a human being. When i returned home, I noticed he stole my laptop and I just lost it. I haven't been the same since.

It's been 3 weeks since I asked him to go and I can't get out of the mental torture from being taken advantage of . I rarely open myself up to anyone. So that was a huge deal to me. I put a no trespass charge agaisnt him and haven't heard or seen him since, which in the long run is a blessing because I really don't know how I'd handle that situation. Again, I do understand I put myself in this situation.

This all ended 3 weeks ago today and I have been super chaotic ever since. I had a huge mental breakdown about a week ago and really had to take time off work. They aren't thrilled about it, but seem somewhat understanding and I return on, Monday. However if you read my posts from last year, I tend to obsess on my job and over think situations about getting fired even when they blatantly tell me "Take the time, we'll see you next. Monday."

From last Sunday to Early yesterday morning I beinge drank 11 (yes 11) Magnum bottles of Chardonnay. During this time, I had a falling out with my mom and a long time friend. The shame is real, and a lot of major life situations have been occurring and I don't like it.

I haven't ridden out a mjor withdrawal in a really long time so my anxiety is super real as well. I didn't sleep at all last night and I haven't had alcohol induced insomnia in quite some time. I also haven't really had a prolonged (more than a day) withdrawals in quite some time either. It's just so crazy how quick this all came on and now I feel like I'm playing with fire.

I'm really not one to let people in on my "life beyond closed door". Especially with my job. I'm starting to think I'm bipolar or have some sort of mental disorder. It's all quite scary. I honestly don't know if I'm strong enough to handle my life falling apart right now. Thanks for letting me vent.

Pajanickah

I've also made the decision to remove myself from social media because I'm finding it is one of my biggest triggers right now.

I don't understand why I just can stop for years or even life like I did before.

ChloeRose63

Do you think you might need to seek inpatient help?

Pajanickah

I think I'm fine, its just finding my way through the mental chaos.

Rar

I'm so sorry you're struggling. I can certainly see where those situations were of no help to you. Thinks will settle down today and over the weekend before work on Monday as the hangover anxiety goes away. Do you think a counselor will help you sort out some of your thoughts? I've also cut out most of social media this last week and am feeling so much better. Hang in there. Hope you feel better soon. ((HUGS))

DarklingSong

Sorry to hear what you are going through. My mistake is often to try and 'sort out my life' while still in withdrawal. Its impossible I think.....keep it simple. Eat, try to sleep and stay away from alcohol at all costs. Take each minute at a time.
Support to you.

Gerard52

Panjanickah that is quite a dramatic story, relationships with disfunctional people and drinking. You seem quite clear what happened and know what you have to do. You are going to have a rough few days getting AF, just focus on that and deal with emotional stuff afterwards.

I too am a serial relapser and was there just two short weeks ago.

Pajanickah

It's very strange the kind of life I lead. Almost very disheartening. I literally have like 5 friends and i dont surround myself with the gay community.

I'm very erratic even when I'm sober. A lot of that cleared up for me when i finally got off of benzodiazepines which i was prescribed for a little over three years. Took me almost 2 to get off of them.

My spirit is just really broken right now and i know if i drink, nothing will get better.

ShenzyT

Awh Pajanickah, sending you big hugs.
Everyone here is right, you have to focus on keeping yourself off the booze 1st, that's the most important thing.
Nothing else matters right now - trying to sort out everything and keep sober all at the same time is a recipe for relapse.....
Take time for yourself, one day at a time.

xxxx

doggonecarl

Chaos can be as addicting as alcohol and drugs. Or at least used in a similar manner.

Pajanickah

I feel like I absolutely use choas as a drug. Over the past 3 or 4 years I use it quite often then pull myself back, recluse, rinse and repeat.

I'm realizing I surrounded myself with wounded birds and I can't help it. I really like to think I'm a good person. I do have a good heart, but i have to make better and more proactive choices in my life.

doggonecarl

For some issues, self-help can only go so far. Some things are in the realm of the professionals.

Get the help you need.

Dee74

I know I must sound like a broken record to some but the way to those better life affirming non chaotic choices is through sobriety.

It definitely sounds like you deserve better, but you're really not giving yourself the chance.

You can't dabble in chaos or drama any more than you can dabble in drinking IMO.

D

Pajanickah

I'm really getting to the point that I truly believe I have some kind of mental disorder. However from what benzodiazepines did to me, I'm really reluctant to take any sort of mental medications. I'm open to seeing a psychiatrist. Just really weary about taking pills. Sounds crazy right coming from someone who drank 11 bottles of wine. I'm just noticing more and more how quickly I am falling now. It's like there's no inbetween anymore. Just straight to the point.

I'm also becoming more erratic about staying in my apartment because I'm terribly nervous about this guy robbing or hurting me. I've been seriously thinking about transferring into a different apartment unit and just eat the $200. I'm gonna take everyone's advice though and take it easy then start attacking my problems at the latter end of next week. I really want to call my mom though. I feel like I really hurt her

Pajanickah

Dee you're completely right. I honestly knew going into both these situations that it was going to end badly. I just tried to be a good person.

I had no intention of ending up in a estranged relationship with a 20 year old homeless kid - it just kinda happened. All I wanted to do whas get him some toiletries, a shower, food and a place to crash for the night. He quickly took over me. In hindsight i see he was just using me and in that moment I could just see he was using me. I was lonely, I guess.

He's just a small part of this. Im more worried about my mom.

Anna

I'm sorry for the chaotic situation in your life right now. But, as others have said, sobriety is step one. If you have other mental health issues, you will be able to be properly diagnosed and treated, if you are sober.

Take some time to focus on you and your sobriety. Once you feel less vulnerable, you will be able to reach out and help others.

Healthyandsober

Hi Pajanickah,

I am sorry you are going thru this. Call your mother if you think it will help you.

For me chaos and alcohol goes hand in hand. I had done insane stuff while drunk. I was talking to a doctor a while back about something I had done under the influence and he very kindly said to me "this is scary stuff you need to stop drinking" I saw the surprise and concern in his eyes.

I don't know if along with being an alcoholic I am also BP or crazy or something. Until a quit for a couple of months/year I won't be able to assess my mental health properly because alcohol is causing or fueling these insane decisions.

I hope this helps. Do everything in your power to be safe.

Pajanickah

That's the thing. I don't know when this vulnerability will subside. It's like everyday is a different drama. Im scared everything will turn into last year and I'll just go through it for 8 months. I don't honestly know how i really survived that.

Should i shut my phone off? I literally don't want to talk to anyone I hurt because I'm afraid of the results.

I've been watching intervention for the past two days. That used to help me, but it seems like it's just bringing me down.

Pajanickah

I had to reach out to my mom because it's killing me. This is what i sent her:

Mom, I'm a ****** d**** bag. You never deserved that in any kind of way. It's really been eating me up for the past few days, and I'm sincerely sorry.

It's no question that I've relapsed, but understand I'm trying to get ahold of it. Please. I'm sure I'm gonna somehow **** my life up again, but I'm only human.

I'm so down on myself for the way i treated you - aswell as myself. I love you so much and I really hope you know it.

I really don't know how to ask you so many times to forgive me. I really feel as if we need to go to counseling together because, I can't lose you.

I will understand if you want to separate yourself from me, but please respond and let me know if that's your decision.

biminiblue

I don't know your relationship with your Mom, but I do know mine got better when I quit drinking and causing myself grief.

Moms are tough. I'm venturing a guess that if you get some sober time you'll be better able to rebuild your relationship with your Mom if that's what you want. I wouldn't hang too much on it right now, just concentrate on doing the next right thing and staying sober. She will likely come around, but I wouldn't try to force anything.

It is going to be okay - stay sober and leave it alone with the drama people. God knows there are plenty of them out there. Take care of you.