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MidnightBlue. Reloading

Old 06-15-2018, 05:14 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Thank you, Buckley.

I will look into the videos.

Just a little bit of clarification - I don't reject religion. I see it as anachronism.

I deliberately do my best to avoid discussing religious-related topics here because it often ends up in heated arguments.

Me being an atheist doesn't mean that I narrow the entire universe to the experience we have on this Earth and that's it.

But that's an entire topic completely.

From what I've learned so far a lot of our issues can be explained and successfully healed through deep and profound understanding of human beings' nature, physiology, psychology and social conditioning. No need to overcomplicate things and search for outwardly forces to come to rescue. Before appealing to the universal mind to bring me solution I have to stub weeds at my own backyard first.

And often what seemed to be "mysterious workings" of invisible forces at a closer look turned out to be the result of tiny unaware every day choices I made or avoid making.

With all this being said I would really appreciate if we avoid AA/ 12 steps and religious discussions/references at this thread.

We have dedicated sections at the forum to discuss anything to everyone's taste.

I am reloading, guys.

And I am putting my process down here.
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Old 06-15-2018, 05:45 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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((MB))

Life isn't always a steady walking path but none said you had to scramble gracefully over the rocks either...just get through and let your friends help

D
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Old 06-15-2018, 05:58 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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Thank you, Dee)
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Old 06-15-2018, 07:45 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by MidnightBlue View Post
Thank you, Buckley.

I will look into the videos.

Just a little bit of clarification - I don't reject religion. I see it as anachronism.

I deliberately do my best to avoid discussing religious-related topics here because it often ends up in heated arguments.

Me being an atheist doesn't mean that I narrow the entire universe to the experience we have on this Earth and that's it.

But that's an entire topic completely.

From what I've learned so far a lot of our issues can be explained and successfully healed through deep and profound understanding of human beings' nature, physiology, psychology and social conditioning. No need to overcomplicate things and search for outwardly forces to come to rescue. Before appealing to the universal mind to bring me solution I have to stub weeds at my own backyard first.

And often what seemed to be "mysterious workings" of invisible forces at a closer look turned out to be the result of tiny unaware every day choices I made or avoid making.

With all this being said I would really appreciate if we avoid AA/ 12 steps and religious discussions/references at this thread.

We have dedicated sections at the forum to discuss anything to everyone's taste.

I am reloading, guys.

And I am putting my process down here.
Thumbs up Well said.

Good on you for re-charging. Necessary IMHO.

B
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Old 06-15-2018, 09:38 AM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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I don't know what's the matter with this time of the year.

But in the past early June repeatedly provided me with hard times.

Three years ago I came very close to encounetring the Abyss.

I was staying in bed for almost two days.

Emotional pain was so dehabilitating that I wasn't even crying - tears were just rolling out of my eyes without any effort from my part. I was too tired to actually cry.

My fridge was totally empty. If you don't count my stash of novocaine ampules.

At some moment I crossed the point when I wasn't afraid to die.

Mentally I let life go.

Anything beyond didn't scare me.

“Let go place. Finally. What a relief”.

A call from my would-be boss woke me out of this state.

He asked me to come to the office a couple of days earlier than my official start of the job. The Deputy CEO wanted to meet me about some urgent project.

Bounded by responsibility I put my rendez-vous with the Ultimate Unknown on hold.

Two weeks later, first day on the job and I had zero money and zero food at home.

So I walked during the lunch.

I was hungry and humiliated.

Often I feel like I got caught in this in-between state: death-on-hold and life-on-hold.

***
A year ago I had to hastily move in my half-finished apartment because it just wasn't safe for me to stay where I was. And at the same time I was waiting for some medical test results and was extremely anxious.

The first night in my own apartment I was sleeping on the floor and felt like, at last, I was getting part of my safety back - safety I never truly had in my life - feeling safe under my own roof.

It took long and ever-going process of emotional recuperation to recover from this kind of stress.

And at the same moment I had to change jobs. And the process took longer than expected.

And at some point I again found myself in the situation when I had no other option but to pawn my golden ring to buy food.


Compared to this, I am in a better place, of course.

But the “compared to” part doesn't serve as consolation any more.

I don't want to look back and use it as a reference point.
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Old 06-16-2018, 05:21 AM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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It is moments like this which make reloading process especially hard for me.

I am back from a good boxing workout.

The weather is beautiful, I am relaxing on the balcony having coffee, cherries, and peaches.

And I am temporarily content and don't feel like changing anything.

Compared to 3 years ago...

I am struggling to find this fine line between acknowledging what I've achieved and pushing myself forward at the same time.

Because if I don't push myself in no time I will slip back into depression and lethargic state when I don't feel anything.

It seems like the major issue for me now is not the challenges I face, but rather lack of high-quality challenges.

I am just scared to admit it.
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Old 06-16-2018, 06:03 AM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by MidnightBlue View Post

And I am temporarily content and don't feel like changing anything.

It seems like the major issue for me now is not the challenges I face, but rather lack of high-quality challenges.
Either be content or find new challenges.

Being happy is one of the harder things. I went to Tybee Island one week after Christmas and pitched my tent at the campground. I walked down to the beach and sat in the sun watching the people come and go. At some point, it registered with me that I was content and happy.

That's the thing about happy. It's sly and quiet. It's not ecstasy, it sneaks up on you. Before you know it, you're sitting there smiling not knowing why.
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Old 06-16-2018, 06:12 AM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by trachemys View Post
Either be content or find new challenges.
Find new challenges, no doubt.

I hear you about "quiet happiness".

I have my issue with this state though - at rare moments when it comes, I am almost afraid to move to "scare it away".

And it limits my freedom, if it makes sense.
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Old 06-16-2018, 06:48 AM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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Some time ago I bought the book Good Goodbye because someone recommended it on business podcast.

It's been sitting on my Kindle for a while, but I think it's time to use it.

The opening quote resonates a lot with me.

Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished: Tell yourself that what has passed will never come back…Close some doors. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because they no longer lead somewhere. — Paulo Coelho
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Old 06-16-2018, 07:00 AM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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What a great post, Trach!

Originally Posted by trachemys View Post
Either be content or find new challenges.

Being happy is one of the harder things. I went to Tybee Island one week after Christmas and pitched my tent at the campground. I walked down to the beach and sat in the sun watching the people come and go. At some point, it registered with me that I was content and happy.

That's the thing about happy. It's sly and quiet. It's not ecstasy, it sneaks up on you. Before you know it, you're sitting there smiling not knowing why.
MB, what’s up with your writing project?
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Old 06-16-2018, 07:26 AM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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Thank you for asking, Gilmer.

Business trip threw me out of momentum and I am really struggling to take it back on track.

Excuses, excuses...I know.
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Old 06-16-2018, 09:09 AM
  # 32 (permalink)  
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MidnightBlue, I have been in this catatonic state for over 5 weeks now and this has happened regularly over the last 8 years. Maybe it was happening before I got sober and just didn't notice it. I can barley make myself do anything. I go to work, shower and eat, then jump under the covers and not much more. Everything in my life at this time is moving in the right direction. I'm not sick, got a stash of cash in the bank, maybe even see the light at the end of the tunnel and yet I'm miserable. Weird, bizarre. You figure something out please post it. Rootin for ya.

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Old 06-16-2018, 09:13 AM
  # 33 (permalink)  
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Sorry to hear you are feeling this way, Michael.

But I surely know what you are talking about.

I am going to post pretty much everything I am trying to help with this situation.

And I am determined to find the solution.
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Old 06-18-2018, 01:15 AM
  # 34 (permalink)  
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I've just called my lawyers and asked to check if there are more court notices for me (I am in the process of resolving my debt issues with banks).

While I am waiting for them to call me back I am really anxious.

And I am trying to moderate my emotions, and solder up, like nothing catastrophic will happen, I will handle it, I shouldn't be that worried, etc.

I am going to change my usual scenario.

I will release any emotion I am feeling without suppressing them which will eventually turn into internalizing a negative pattern.

I am scared? Hell, yeah!

I am scared to the point that my stomach goes into knots and my mouth is dry.

And than another court notice will shut down the world as I know it. And I will feel (again) like I have no control over my life.

Ok. I can't deny this fear.

I am scared.

I am anxious.

I am worried sick.

I am apathetic.

And it ain't fun.
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Old 06-18-2018, 01:21 AM
  # 35 (permalink)  
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I hope all the worrying is for nothing MB - but I'm really proud of you that you're facing your fears

D
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Old 06-18-2018, 01:39 AM
  # 36 (permalink)  
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Thank you, Dee)
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Old 06-18-2018, 06:56 AM
  # 37 (permalink)  
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Just got a call from my lawyers - all is good so far.

It's so weird how reality is split in "before I was afraid to make a call" and "after I made it - sounds like no big deal".

Crazy.

Ok.

Dentist appointment tomorrow - checked.

Call to the lawyers - checked.

Recovery from my "sugar slip" - this one is tough but I am hanging on.

Reloading in progress.
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Old 06-18-2018, 07:55 AM
  # 38 (permalink)  
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Facing fears is not easy but it's easier than running from them.

It is not the biggest fear I have to face yet, but I finally feel the tiny spark of being alive.
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Old 06-18-2018, 11:54 AM
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I am really glad that the news from the lawyers was good, MB.

Facing your fears takes courage; I know - I am a World Class Chicken.

I try to tackle one fear at a time.

How long have you been fighting your debt issues? is there a statute of limitations as to new claims?

Here for you.
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Old 06-18-2018, 12:10 PM
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oops try again

Alcohol encourages me to do this!
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