SurvivorK

Day 4 for me.. still feeling blue but hoping it will pass. It has in the past, but each time I think I won't be given this 3rd, 4th, 5th chance.

Hope all is with you ProfessorD and the rest of you. I reset my counter today with Field of Life, a Hazelden Betty Ford App, hate that but being honest is the best solution. Ready to get beyond today, past 60, to a year, but for now I'm good for being sober right now!

It does get better right? My mind is just so sad.

ProfessorD

Things are looking up in the hole! I swapped my usual 5k (ish) run for some interval training--alternating sprints with strength training. Did squats, lunges, weights, etc. Excited that I can still do a 2 min plank. Tomorrow I'll see where I am on push-ups. Feels good to do something slightly different and shake my routine up a bit.

lessgravity

Nice work - have you tried Tabata cardio? You can download a free app on your phone, plenty of choices. Awesome interval training.

Happy to see you rising from the pit Prof. Keep it moving.

ProfessorD

It is day 10 in the hole, and things are pretty good! I've had some good luck focusing on diet and exercise to tamp down and combat the urge to drink. I know the common advice on this site is to focus on one thing at a time--first quit drinking, then quit sugar, etc. But I've been having great success curbing mood swings, anxiety, and depression (all triggers) by reducing my carb intake. Whatever works! In the hole, I am thankful for any strategies for success in whatever form they take. Oh, and I've also been getting better at repeating and believing that "this too will pass." 2 or 4 times a day I have what feels like unbearable sadness/anxiety/anger or a mix of all three about not drinking...but I'm getting better at knowing if and when I get those feelings, they will pass.

That's all from the hole today.

lessgravity

Nice work. I think there's nothing wrong with focusing on your diet/health at the same time you are getting and staying sober - things go hand in hand anyhow.

I do the low/no-carb thing myself with keto and have seen and felt great results. Only furthers my desire not to drink.

ProfessorD

AV very loud today. I've tried working out, eating some sugary foods not on my diet, waiting 20 minutes to surf the urge, etc. I lose a lot of spirit on days like this. It feels like even if I somehow miraculously resist today, I'm just going to give in another day. Such an exhausting way to live--even when I'm not drinking, I'm wasting so much time and energy on this addiction.

Sorry for the negative talk today, just being honest.

Culture

I was very much up and down in my moods for a couple of months and at 9 months I still have the odd day, but hey it's just that one bad day and I get past it as you will. On my bad days I just try to be kind to myself and do what I can without pushing myself too much. Do something nice, maybe a walk which always kinda soothes me back down, spend time with happy people, that rubs off on you, watch something which makes you laugh and if all else fails, go to bed early.

keeppushing

ProfessorD, I personally found it helpful to mix things up and use a randomised strategy against the AV (game theory background). So I'll try exercise, I'll try mindfulness, I'll try SR, I'll try journalling.

I know that hole well, and I've spent long spells in it. There is a way out. You're an athlete, so you know how to work through the voice that says quit.

Good luck.

ProfessorD

Thanks Culture and keeppushing! These are all great suggestions, and I really needed your support today.

lessgravity

Today's the day you aren't going to drink, everyday. So make it that way.

You checked in here because you know in your heart of hearts that you don't want to drink anymore. It's clear you checked in before you drank bc you want to fight it. So fight it Prof.

Been wondering how you are. Glad you checked in.

Mac4711

Very often I feel the same way. Almost every day of my recovery, I think about and/or read up on my addiction and often I wonder if my time could not be spent in a more useful way.
But guess what - from a Buddhist perspective, I am resisting what is. I am an addict, and it is my job to work on my recovery day in and day out.

Just keep on doing what you’re doing, urge surfing etc., and over time the amount of effort/energy spent on fighing the disease will decrease. Patience is required. Stick with it for three months - you will start seeing improvements and you will find out that it is really worth it!

PalmerSage

It will become SO much less exhausting over time (I've only been sober for 5 months, and I'm surprised at how little I'm thinking about alcohol these days). That doesn't mean I'm complacent of course, but it's nice not to have a constant mental obsession right now. You're doing the hard part right now. Keep going.

ProfessorD

That's encouraging to know, PalmerSage!

I think I'm safely in the not drinking tonight zone. But this craving went down like a vampire; I'm all out of stakes and silver bullets. After my usual run, I went to the gym and pounded out more cardio on the elliptical and the treadmill. I lifted weights, did the rowing machine. When I got home, I did legs and more weights. And then I proceeded to eat my entire kitchen and have a long, long cry until I had to remove all my make up and change my shirt. Sigh. Obviously this is a nonsensical diet/fitness day, but I'm glad I did what I need to do to push through. I don't want to throw away my two weeks sober. I kept thinking about how tired I am restarting every time, over and over again. Here's hoping going through this makes me stronger tomorrow.

Thanks to all who reached out

ProfessorD

You're so right, Mac! I always end up crying a flood's worth when I finally "give in." hard to describe, but it does feel like stopping swimming against the stream. Thanks for your words.

Mac4711

So sorry to hear to what lengths you had to go today to keep sober. But you know what? The way you act tells me that you have a fighting chance!

I also had to laugh at your ‘I’m all out of stakes and silver bullets’ line, because it reminded me of a famous one liner. Next time your AV shows up and urges you to drink, just tell him this:

https://youtu.be/Wp_K8prLfso

ProfessorD

LOL! This is actual footage of me today

ProfessorD

Today about halfway through my run, I was really struggling. Felt like I was running in glue, my shoulders were hunched, I was holding tension in my back and arms... I was able to catch some really negative self talk midstream and redirect my energy. I started repeating affirming mantras and positive ideas in my head and felt my whole body relax. I zoned out for the rest of the run, and finished happy and refreshed.

I'm out of shape compared to where I was before my darkest drinking days. But I remember that I used to get a real "runners high," to the point where I would genuinely love my runs. I would do them because they felt good and I wanted to, not because I had to. And suddenly I realized many people with more sober time than me must feel this way about their recovery: enjoying it, not struggling through it. So it's a good day in the hole.

lessgravity

Beautiful work Prof. Let's keep it moving.

ProfessorD

My husband drank last night with some work friends and came home in a bad mood. He is a total normie, proof being that he usually complains about the alcohol he drinks when networking. All 1 weak cocktail? Meanwhile, I'm sitting here like um...I would love to toss that drink and nine hundred more back. I wasn't triggered by him at all, just frustrated by his bad mood induced by a single drink. The bad mood continued into this morning. He said he doesn't feel great after drinking even a single drink, which made us both laugh a little bit given my situation. But the morning was frustrating and unpleasant. We had a little argument about a misunderstanding about the coffee. So dumb. I was totally relieved when he left. I'm realizing what a selfish person I am, though. How many times have I been the one who is in a bad mood during and after drinking? I have lots of work to do today, and we have plans to do something fun this evening, so I hope we can have a better day. I need to remember that he is entitled to occasional bad moods; its not like everyone on the planet is here to help boost me up 24/7. I often behave like I'm the only one who is allowed to have emotions.

sokatie

I am back at the very beginning of sobriety, but you remind me of when I first tried to quit 10 years ago. I kept telling myself I couldn't do it. The bad news is, I was right!

Now I'm telling myself I AM doing it (not trying, I AM doing it). I think it is important for my brain to start understanding drinking is not important and it can't have any power over me.