SidV80

I hear you. I can't get past a day or two. I'm tired of it. Going to different liquor stores to spread it out, feeling foolish. I'm afraid of letting people know I have a problem.

KiKi0615

Don’t give up! I joined SR in November of 2015 and am FINALLY putting some sober time together. I’m coming up on 4 months sober.

I remember feeling exactly like you do and it’s no way to live! The farther away I get from my last drink the darker my existence seemed while I was drinking. I didn’t realize the hell I was in until a read some journal entries from last fall! I was suicidal! It was so bad! It gets so much better every day I am sober!

After 2 years of falling off the wagon after a week, weeks and even a month of sobriety I finally went to outpatient treatment in January and February of this year. It saved me and gave me an amazing start! I also threw myself into AA and have gotten to know some amazing people who know exactly how I feel! I have a sponsor and am working the steps.

So for THIS alcoholic...the secret to breaking free from alcohol was treatment and AA. (And most importantly a willingness to go to ANY length to stay sober) Best of luck to you!

Remember...nothing changes if nothing changes. I spent 2 years trying to stay sober alone (with out a recovery program or face to face support) and I couldn’t do it. Maybe some can...but my disease was too powerful!

Never give up!

Hawkeye13

Hi Professor;
I know it's grading season, at least for me.

If you can get through that a bit at a time and get these last weeks finished,
do you have the Summer off?

If so, what about doing an inpatient for a few weeks / month to really get a handle on recovery before Fall semester starts?

You can combine it with a self-care makeover you do for you of healthy food,
good books, rest, and exercise to get in the best mental and physical space.

You deserve it. Glad you are back.

ProfessorD

Hawkeye, I have many important research tasks/trips for summer but it should be a time of relative calm to get my act together. I hadn't considered inpatient, but I will get a therapist and focus on all the self-care. It will get better, I know, if I can just make it through a couple more weeks without digging myself further down in this hole.

Good luck with your grading

lessgravity

Stay sober Prof. We were here together in February, I think.

Here we are now.

Let's find a better life, it's there for the taking I think.

ProfessorD

You too, Less. I'm feeling OK today. Hope you are too!

lessgravity

Yeah, I quit drinking so I'm feeling good about that.

You doing anything different this time around?

PalmerSage

ProfessorD, how are you doing today? Day 3?

ProfessorD

approaching the end of day three. I don't know what I'm doing yet, but I definitely need to trying something new. Trying to string together a week, clear my head, regroup when I get a week sober. I need a clear mind. Today was good. Ran, worked, meetings, grading. Trying to keep my head down and focused on the simple tasks at hand.

Dee74

Day three is great ProfD

D

wiseheart

Professor, I am so glad that you had a good day. Wishing you a wonderful 4th. Hugs.

ProfessorD

I keep slipping up because I desperately want to feel relaxed and calm. Drinking is the only thing that makes me feel that way. I've been looking for/trying all the substitutes--exercise, meditation, baths, other hobbies, social activities, etc. Maybe I need to switch strategies and just come to terms with the fact that I can't have alcohol, and there isn't going to be any magical substitute for that feeling that I crave. Dunno. These are just my thoughts for today from the hole.

PalmerSage

OH, I know that feeling exactly, I experienced it as a wound-up tense feeling that could only be "loosened" through alcohol. I think it gets harder when we continually relapse, because the thinking becomes "what's another day 1?" It can stop, of course, but you need to take the option totally off the table as you said. And maybe consider other coping mechanisms, a heating pad (yes seriously) and journaling were always my saviors in the very early days.

goodbyeevan

You got this Prof D!!! So glad to see you back.

JustTony

I think it is true that nothing really replaces that feeling of 'calm', zoning out, relief etc that alcohol brings in the early days

However after a period of time sobriety brings that calmness. We just have to let our bodies, neurological system and routine adapt.

J50

I can attest to that, although it took several months to get there. The key is to have faith that things get better.

Good to see you back Tony!

ProfessorD

I hope so, but even when I've had longer stretches of sobriety, I haven't felt the feeling. I want to focus on learning how to live without it rather than trying, fruitlessly, to replace it.

lessgravity

Does this mean you drank?

DarklingSong

I very much relate,
my longest stretch was 6 months and I still hadn't managed to find a way to calm myself the way alcohol used to. Having said that, I have learnt that for me, any calmness I get is gone within hours, only to be replaced by days of tension, misery and hopelessness. Although I know this, alcohol has proved such a powerful anaesthetic in the past I still often long for that state. I have to remind myself that it doesn't work anymore. There is no going back.
Just a couple of things that have helped me....none are as instant as wine but they are effective-
- as mentioned earlier a heat pad (really it does help!)
-epsom salts bath followed by alternating bursts of a warm and cold shower......it seems to 'turn down' the nervous system
-massage or a visit to an osteopath.
I know my AV tells me I will never be calm or relaxed without wine again, but the reality is wine just brings far greater pain.

ProfessorD

Less, no! I'm just still in the hole. Feels like I'm not fully committed. Moping about and being a grouch zombie.