ProfessorD

Eruggh. Drank again, sorry to say. Need to just announce it ; not asking anything from anyone. I welcome tough love at this point, gang. I'm not committing; there is a fundamental flaw/ cognitive dissonance I need to address here. Will do in the AM. I had 7 beers (won't even be hungover from it...--alone, a YIKES). How I wish I could rise to the occasion. I will, I really will. But...wouldn't it be nice to go to bed and not feel disappointed in myself for once?

Gottalife

I didn't understand my own behaviour. I set out to do the right thing, and ended up doing the things I hate. For though the will to do good was in me, the performance was not.

Have you considered you may be beyond tough love, or any human aid whatever? I saw a friend once, in a similar position to you, with an army of people around him trying to help. Many of these were recovered alcoholics, so they had a good idea of what it takes to recover. Nothing they could do or say could get this man sober. He had some past experience of sobriety but none of that counted for anything.

The one thing that might have helped was if the man had realised his only hope would be some kind of conversion experience, but he could not or would not. I was suffering from an illness which only a spiritual experience could conquer also. I swallowed my pride, asked for help, and recovered.

In our Big Book we say we found the choice of live on a spiritual basis or face an alcholic death is not always easy to make (how bad can an alcoholic death be?), but that was the simple choice my life had boiled down to. I chose the spritual path and have never regretted it.

time2shineagain

You CAN do this ProfessorD! Dig deep with all your fighting spirit. Your life literally depends on it.

Dee74

Hi Prf D - I don;t think tough love is required - but it does seem like maybe there's an imbalance in your efforts right now?

Clearly it's not *just* about depression or anxiety - we discussed that and the logical disconnect there...and yet it didn't help you not drink...so back to the drawing board...

There's always an alternative to drinking - it may not look as easy or attractive but its always there.

You're obviously more than intelligent enough to work out alternative strategies and implement them.

What do you think is stopping you from taking the alternative choice.?

fear, stubborness, apathy, peer pressure? all or none of the above?

D

lessgravity

Jerk! How's that for tough love?

Kidding of course. Ah what a horrid cycle. Giving into the addiction over and over.

I feel for you as I know so many times I've opened that bottle of wine after hours of outright physical and mental suffering that would terrify me if I saw it objectively.

Hope you find some peace and strength today Prof. It'll be 3 weeks for me this week - need you to come join me again.

ProfessorD

Thanks for the words and advice, Gottalife, less, time2shine, and Dee. I am going to try to do some thinking today.

JimiC

Since you mentioned time2shine Prof, this is an excerpt from the song Shine by Henry Rollins. I find it very inspirational.

I got no time for drug addiction, no time for smoke and booze
Too strong for a shortened life span, I've got no time to lose!
It's time to shine, yeah!

lessgravity

Thinking is overrated. Stay sober and get some fresh air.

tomsteve

has thinking helped you get sober or get ya drunk?
imo, the ONLy thing that has to be thought about is:
do i want to live or die?
do i WANT to be sober more than i want to drink?
am i willing to do ANYTHING to get and stay sober?
then stop thinking and DO recovery.

daredevil

Thinking is better than drinking.

Ladysadie

Love JC-NY subscript - "You have to want it. With enough motivation and determination, you can do anything!" says it all for you dear Professor.

ProfessorD

Thanks, everyone! I think Dee is right that I need to go back to the drawing board and figure out what is preventing me from making alternative choices. But I'll also try to get some fresh air and get out of my head. It's true that I am prone to overthinking And yet I am so awfully dumb lol.

SurvivorK

I am in the same boat... as sad as it sounds, I was glad to see your post to know I'm not the only one. I feel like I cannot turn this around. I come here for a few days then I leave and think I have it licked and a week will go by and I'll drink again, or two weeks, 30 days, 60 days has been the most in the last year and half, since being sober 6 years. I want this so bad, I'm determined more than ever of I'll lose my own sense of being, worth, my family, my husband and a drink is not worth it. ProfessorD we can do this!

Day 3 for me. I promise myself I am going to post and be here more. It takes a village.

Ladysadie

Awesome Professor and Survivor! Action plans work. One day at a time.

ProfessorD

I feel OK emotionally today, despite the slip up. The end of the semester is a very stressful time, and it's hard not to turn to alcohol. Things will be better in a couple of weeks, and I know I'm going to have a really good chance to get and stay sober this summer. Ideally, I'd be able to stay sober even during stressful times like finals, of course. Going to keep on keeping on.

Dee74

The end of semester is a very stressful time for students and staff alike - but drinking like we do must add to the pressure in the end, Prof, rather than alleviate it?

D

ProfessorD

That's exactly right! And yet...here I am, making the same mistake I always make.

Gottalife

Ideally I would have liked to stay sober in stressful times, perhaps because I thought the stress had something to do with the consequences of the drinking. Maybe without the stress drinking would be more controllable.

What I have discovered is that those external circumstances have nothing whatever to do with my drinking. I am sure there are one or two others on this site with similar experience. I drank when stressed, I drank when not stressed, good relationship, bad relationship, no relationship, happy, sad, raining, fine, job, no job, and on and on.

The truth was I drank because I am an alcoholic and that's what we do. I couldn't stop because I am an alcoholic and that is just how it is. I lacked the power to change despite the most powerful desire. I could not think my way out of it, I could barely think at all.

Then some folks suggested some action (not thinking) which could get me connected to the Power I needed. I took the action, experienced the result, and began to understand what they meant. Took more action, and hey presto, drink problem gone - no thinking required. A good thing too as my thinker was broken anyway.

Anyway, what I am suggesting is that if you are like me, external factors will not cause your drinking. It seems that you will soon be able to eliminate a major factor, in your mind. If, once the stress has gone, you still find yourself drinking, then you may be like me, and you may find that the same solution that worked for me will work for you too.

ProfessorD

Thanks for writing out that long and thoughtful response, Gottalife. You are completely right, and I agree that external factors don't have much to do with the decision to drink. Right now I'm just really focused on getting a few weeks strung together. I know it will be easier once I get some sober time. Right now it's too easy to give up and accept another Day 1. We will see if the summer proves an easier time for getting that time. I sure hope so.

Nonsensical

The best time to be sober is today, regardless of the season.

Giddyup!