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Can't climb out of this hole

Old 04-27-2018, 01:20 PM
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Originally Posted by DarklingSong View Post
I very much relate,
my longest stretch was 6 months and I still hadn't managed to find a way to calm myself the way alcohol used to. Having said that, I have learnt that for me, any calmness I get is gone within hours, only to be replaced by days of tension, misery and hopelessness. Although I know this, alcohol has proved such a powerful anaesthetic in the past I still often long for that state. I have to remind myself that it doesn't work anymore. There is no going back.
Just a couple of things that have helped me....none are as instant as wine but they are effective-
- as mentioned earlier a heat pad (really it does help!)
-epsom salts bath followed by alternating bursts of a warm and cold shower......it seems to 'turn down' the nervous system
-massage or a visit to an osteopath.
I know my AV tells me I will never be calm or relaxed without wine again, but the reality is wine just brings far greater pain.
Thanks, Darkling! Yes, I think I need to fully embrace the fact that drinking brings high highs and devastatingly low lows. I'm never going to have the high again, maybe. But nothing is as bad as the lows. Hard to remember in the moment, thought.
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Old 04-27-2018, 01:21 PM
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Oh, and I believe you on the waterbottle. sometimes I put my blanket in the dryer really hot and then take it out so I can put the warmth all around me. Don't know why it helps. But it does. Feels like being swaddled, maybe
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Old 04-27-2018, 01:36 PM
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Originally Posted by ProfessorD View Post
Less, no! I'm just still in the hole. Feels like I'm not fully committed. Moping about and being a grouch zombie.
Ah well that's fine then! Glad to hear you are sober. The rest works itself out.

Have you ever read Rational Recovery?
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Old 04-27-2018, 06:37 PM
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Originally Posted by ProfessorD View Post
I keep slipping up because I desperately want to feel relaxed and calm. Drinking is the only thing that makes me feel that way. I've been looking for/trying all the substitutes--exercise, meditation, baths, other hobbies, social activities, etc. Maybe I need to switch strategies and just come to terms with the fact that I can't have alcohol, and there isn't going to be any magical substitute for that feeling that I crave. Dunno. These are just my thoughts for today from the hole.
Can you try & step outside the hamster wheel nd consider that drinking is actually contributing to your sense of not being relaxed and calm Prof D?

I wasn't able to get relaxed and calm for quite a while after I quit because I was in a long term self perpetuating cycle where anxiety led to me drinking and not drinking led to anxiety.

D
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Old 04-27-2018, 06:45 PM
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Dee, wow. That's exactly right! Whoa... I need to think about this. Might be a proper breakthrough for me. And it's so obvious now that you've pointed it out. Thank you so much!!!!!
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Old 04-27-2018, 06:49 PM
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It's so true and obvious that I don't feel insane and panicked when I'm sober. I have more hours in my day; I meet all the challenges of my personal and professional life (even when I don't think that I can). The need for drinking comes ONLY when I'm feeling stupid and incompetent, or frazzled and overburdened. But I'm really only that overextended when I'm syphoning all my mental and physical health to alcohol. Wow. Really clicking with me. A very powerful shift in my thinking.
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Old 04-27-2018, 07:11 PM
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Originally Posted by ProfessorD View Post
I hope so, but even when I've had longer stretches of sobriety, I haven't felt the feeling. I want to focus on learning how to live without it rather than trying, fruitlessly, to replace it.
Replace the feeling drinking brings with practicing gratitude every day. I think you will find that being grateful makes you happier.

https://www.nytimes.com/2015/11/22/o...pier.html?_r=0
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Old 04-28-2018, 08:16 AM
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Today's report from the hole: I cannot get out of bed and face the work I need to do and the errands I need to do. Want to go for a run, want to do something. Just lying here. It's like there is a heavy black blanket on me. I suppose anything is OK as long as I am not drinking. But I feel like I've permanently sapped my brain and mood with all this drinking.
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Old 04-28-2018, 10:10 AM
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ProfessorD, what day is this? 5, 6? Don't forget to drink a ton of water, and remember...if nothing works, then just do nothing.
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Old 04-28-2018, 12:25 PM
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How's it going today Prof?
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Old 04-28-2018, 12:45 PM
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OK, less! Thanks for asking. Just got back from the market. Stood for like ten minutes in front of some fancy pre-made margarita mix on promotion. I don't even like margaritas. Must have looked insane, but after much internal debate, I pulled away. It all boils down to these little, mundane battles. Won this one.

Good luck with your event. Don't drink; I need you!
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Old 04-28-2018, 12:53 PM
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Originally Posted by ProfessorD View Post
OK, less! Thanks for asking. Just got back from the market. Stood for like ten minutes in front of some fancy pre-made margarita mix on promotion. I don't even like margaritas. Must have looked insane, but after much internal debate, I pulled away. It all boils down to these little, mundane battles. Won this one.

Good luck with your event. Don't drink; I need you!
Nice work. It's those kind of things -the mundane midday sneak of alcohol where my AV is the most active.

No drinking for me but I'll be sure to let you know.
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Old 04-28-2018, 02:01 PM
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You can do this. The early days are rough, but set low expectations and remember: you just need to do a day at a time. Just focus on that and no more. Sending my very best to you.
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Old 04-28-2018, 04:00 PM
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It could be anything up to a few weeks to feel better Prof D.
You have to run on faith a little - faith that you're doing the right thing.

You are

D
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Old 04-28-2018, 04:40 PM
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ProfessorD,

I'm not buying your story. Can't climb out of this hole? Really??

Just yesterday 10 minutes after new comer RobotGirl makes her first post ever on SR who is the first responder who offers support and words of encouragement? Wait for it......

It's none other than YOU - ProfessorD!

And at least IMO the support you provided in multiple posts was awesome.

Are you challenged? Yes! Me too. But you are doing the next right thing? In my view - YES!!! Give yourself a bit more credit. Sobriety will follow.
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Old 04-28-2018, 05:21 PM
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Haha! Aw, shucks AAPJ. The title of this thread should probably be amended to I am climbing out of this hole. Currently I am 3 inches out of this hole but sober as hell. Plus not having my own life together has never even once stopped me from being a know-it-all when it comes to dispensing mediocre advice to others I'm insufferable.
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Old 04-29-2018, 04:48 AM
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Sober as hell is a good way to start your week/end your weekend.

I'm sober af myself. Have lots of other life crap that needs tending to but at least I'm not drinking anymore.

We can do this Prof.
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Old 04-29-2018, 08:19 AM
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I feel OK in the hole today. Feeling guilty about not getting work done, which is somewhat crazy since I work really hard...not sure what that sense of guilt is about, and it's worrying because it so easily shifts into my AV saying I need a drink to truly relax. But...I'm trying to push through it, relax, and go easy on myself.
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Old 04-29-2018, 08:35 AM
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Oh, I also intended to mention a fleeting thought I had yesterday, which is that I know I am going to beat this addiction. There is nothing in my life that I have said I will do and that I haven't then accomplished. Now, I don't always get things done perfectly or in the timeline I say I will, but despite my shortcomings and imperfections, I am stubborn and I always pull through. It was a small thought, and I'll admit that in the hole right now I don't yet see how I will overcome this addiction forever... but I had this sudden flash of recognition that I know I will be successful eventually.
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Old 04-29-2018, 08:35 AM
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Originally Posted by ProfessorD View Post
I feel OK in the hole today. Feeling guilty about not getting work done, which is somewhat crazy since I work really hard...not sure what that sense of guilt is about, and it's worrying because it so easily shifts into my AV saying I need a drink to truly relax. But...I'm trying to push through it, relax, and go easy on myself.
I have the same work guilt, I'm at the office now, posting on SR! Ha. Which could be worse.

But that's guilt and work and life that can be taken care of ONLY if we stay sober.

The booze doesn't relax us Prof, you know that. It obliterates us. Relaxation can come from some hardcore workout, a bath, mediation, maybe a good movie where we forget troubles. Booze is the trouble.
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