Trohyn

Trohyn smiles smugly to himself while puffing on his vape.

mandypandy

Just cos you're not inhailing the 7,000 or whatever poisonous chemicals in, doesn't mean you are not a nicotine addict haha. I couldn't get away with the vape thing. But I was reading that smoking related diseases kills more drinkers than drink does!!

mandypandy

I have felt totally ill today. Headache, dizzy and sickly.

I hope it's better for tomorrow, as I have a driving lesson early. I might take a bucket to bed with me, just incase. My stomach is gurgling so loudly I may have to put subtitles on the TV.

soberista

Nic_O_Teen is a beast of all beasts! But trust me....he does shut the **** up eventually. I never EVER EVERRRRRRR imagined my life without fags. Ohhh i loved smoking. Paint a wall...have a rollie...clean the floor...treat myself, have a rollie, times of trouble...you get the picture. Now. Different story. Dont even think about it. It does get better MP. Honestly. Eventually. Hope you feel better soon..

mandypandy

Yeah soberisa, you're not kidding!
Ive been at it 34 years, I think it's too late!
If I can't do it today, I'm off to the smoking clinic for some nicotine replacement stuff.

Ive had best luck in the past with the gum, but the clinic don't do that anymore, just spray plus patches. Superdrug used to sell the gum cheap, I might have a look in there.

I have utmost respect you have packed them in haha

I think you are right as well, in your other post, the hand to mouth habit is hard to break too.
I find nicotine much more addictive than drink, at least with drink I would eventually get to the point where I couldn't keep it down, or passed out, so had to stop, if even for a while.

My stomach doesn't feel as bloated and gurgly today and the knife though the head has gone (touch wood)

Thanks for the encouragement soberista...have a good one

mandypandy

I am quaking in my shoes, waiting for driving lesson (it's not for 2 hours but I always do this). I bet my instructor is doing the same haha. Everybody keeps telling me if I hate them so much, and get so nervous, why not just pack them in. After all, Ive gone all this time without driving.
But this is a stubborn issue now, I've started so I'll finish, or else all the money I have spent on them will be wasted!
I actually love driving, I don't know why I get such anxiety. I think it's because my ex-husband used to teach me, and he shouted and ranted and raved so much I just slip into anxious mode everytime I think about sitting behind a steering wheel, like pavlov's dogs!
I wouldn't care but my instructor has spent half the time getting me out of the bad habits my ex- husband taught me haha

I had a good laugh yesterday when I went over to see tiny little. We always greet each other with "Hi, stinky" and part with "Bye, smelly bum or poo pants" or whatever
My DIL said they were in a shop yesterday and he said "stinky bum nan would like that" (dunno what it was). The woman next to them said "Did he just say that his nan was stinky?" and laughed.
My DIL was embarrassed hahaha and explained why.
So I said to tiny little, that when i picked him up today, I was going to tell his teacher I was here to pick up poo pants.
A flicker of concern passed his face, then was gone.
When I went out of the door, I heard him say to his mother "It's ok, she won't remember"
Just shows, kids take all in!
I have never babysat while I have been drinking, but I have talked to my son and DIL and haven't been able to remember conversations in the past.

That boy is in for a shock when he hears me ask for poo pants at his classroom door this afternoon haha

mandypandy

Anyway, coming back to soberista, she is right. Nicotine, the Beast of all Beasts.
Smart is too time consuming for the (what feels like) constant urge to smoke. I can't be constantly playing the tape, disputing and arguing with the nicotine AV "salesman" all the time
Change tactics time.
AVRT for smoking it is. The smoking cravings are not as strong as the drink cravings, but they are more often.
I think my smoking Beast, has been leading me away from making a BP (big plan) for nicotine.

Here goes.
I Will Never Smoke Again and I Will Never Change my Mind

mandypandy

It's the dreaded Thursday! Although today is not bad so far. My money went in the bank, plus another £180 I didn't know would be in. I think it's my rent, that usually gets paid in once a fortnight on a Monday.
My Beast would have had a field day with that in the past "It might not be the rent, worry about that later, spend it now."
But no worries now. I'll leave it where it is.

I had quite a bad day with the grief yesterday, all started because of a stupid song I heard on the radio. But today is a better day, plus I didn't feel well yesterday, was feeling a bit sorry for myself anyway.

Driving lesson went well. Went back along a lot of the roads and streets we worked on in the beginning. You don't think you are getting anywhere in some things, but doing all those roads, roundabouts and traffic lights again, I HAVE come on a LOT without even realizing it.

Plus, last time I had a lesson a fortnight ago was a week after my dads funeral, and my head was just a fuzz. That has cleared a lot too.

I really, really want to pass. Going to put in for my theory again (not that I have forgotten anything after 2 years ago when I passed it). That time limit is just to rob another £30 out of people if you ask me.

Soo, slow but sure progress.

Smoking Beast going CRA-A-ZZ-EE. Tough. Drink Beast very dormant. So? Doesn't matter what mode they are in to me.

It was however surprisingly hard to make my BP concerning nicotine. To actually commit to that. But I've done it now.

Rar

Mandy - So glad you're doing well with the A-beast. The S-beast can be exorcised too. Although I currently vape, I have been cigarette free for almost 7 years. There is a very active quit smoking site with activity similar to this one: quitnet.com In my opinion, it is outstanding. Perhaps browsing that site will help. Best wishes.

mandypandy

Thanks Rar
I have just looked at that site you recommended, it seems really helpful. I have joined it, thanks again.

I was a VERY heavy smoker, I think I must have 10 million neuronal nicotinic receptors jumping up and down in my brain at this moment!
I did use the vape before, but, didn't stop because I bought a rubbish flavour (although it was rubbish and did make me feel sick). It was because I used that kind that you pour the oil into to refill.
It says in BIG letters, do not get this on skin (cos it could cause you to have nicotine poisoning). I am really clumsy and was always getting it on my skin. So I started to get paranoid about it haha

Yeah, I see the madness in that last couple of sentences haha

mandypandy

Ah, I'll tell you what. Fruck this for a game of soldiers.

I'm off down town to buy a frucking vape.

I can only deal with one Beast at a time. I'm not frucking super-human.

I've smoked a lot, for a long time. Why am I making things harder for myself? Nicotine isn't even harmful in little doses (just the other thousands of poisons in fags). I'll do harm reduction, get a vape, taper the nicotine.

In my BP I said I would never SMOKE again, not VAPE.

A vape costs as much as the smallest baccy you can buy now.

It's either that or go out and commit an act of random violence on an innocent bystander

Rar

Mandy - I think it's important to have good equipment and know where your juice comes from. I purchase mine from a Mom-Pop store. I stay away from the unknowns like those made in China (who knows if the ingredients are pure). Also, remember that while you're only ingesting nicotine, there are 4000+ other chemicals that your body is used to and you won't be getting. There is a learning curve.

I know this is a quit alcohol forum, so please free to message me with any questions you might have regarding vaping.

mandypandy

Thanks for the PM talk Rar

Well, vapes are off the table, too expensive for me, the safe ones anyway.

Back to AVRT it looks like.

Ah well, if nothing else it will get it over quickly (but not quickly enough for me!)

Jeez, my smokey joe nicotine Beast had me in a head lock there, a couple of posts ago haha

Good job I'm poor.

mandypandy

I know what the trouble is. In using AVRT for drinking, I had no trouble separating "me"..who was finished with drinking from IT who's sole purpose was to procure drink.
With smoking, I'm still working on achieving that separation fully.

I DON'T WANT to be a smoker, but I identify myself as one.
With drinking, I didn't want to identify with what drink made me into so it was easier to separate what "I" the "real" me was from what "IT" wants.

I know what I'm talking about even if no one else does haha

Have to work on it. But, haven't smoked all day.

I checked an enclosed mousetrap I had forgotton about in a cupboard today, and found a liquified mouse in it. It didn't smell cos thats the way those enclosed mousetraps are designed. I got the whole box thing on a shovel and have put it in the back yard for my son to deal with. yuk.

mandypandy

Well, I am going to stop going on about quitting smoking on here. Thanks to the kind Rar directing me to quitnet, I can identify with, get informed and bore people doing the same thing at the same time haha

I don't really have much to say about drinking, it's done with now. I know there will be urges etc but I don't really have anything useful to say on the drinking front. Nor do I feel I need any outside help now.
Am not really having any trouble adjusting to life without it and am dealing with the old nemesis OCD with REBT
As for the grief, that loss is going to have to be learned to be lived with. But it's getting to where I am beginning to be able to assimilate it into my life (slowly and painfully), rather than have to externalize it by writing it down.

For these reasons, I won't be writing on this thread everyday now.
Just when I feel the need.
There is an ulterior motive in writing this. Just don't want anyone to think I have gone off boozing if they don't see millions of posts a day here haha
I will still be reading SR every day though.

mandypandy

OOh that sounds a bit arrogant, that last post. I don't mean it that way. I just feel I am waffling on here for wafflings sake by writing every day. It is a recovery site, not a waffle site!

Trohyn

You "own"this thread MP. If waffling helps then waffle away I say.
I really enjoy and appreciate your waffling especially when you're pi55ed off. I wouldn't call it schadenfreude, but your response to calamitous situations can be hilarious.

2ndhandrose

I will preface this by saying, I don't have any sure fire 'quit' advice, just telling my story

"I DON'T WANT to be a smoker, but I identify myself as one."

This ^^^^^^^^^^^^ SO MUCH was me.

I smoked for 35 years!!!! Quit almost 11 years now (woot!) In the gratitude pile, rarely a day goes by that I don't say 'thanks', 'cause this is a tough one, no doubt about it.

I tried multiple times over the years, nicorette gum, the patch, zyban, cold turkey, all multiple times.

What finally worked.....hypnotism. Crazy. I have read that there are many paths to successfully quitting smoking, (just like quitting drinking), one just needs to find out what their quit method is.

But, in retrospect, the other thing that changed for me, and the thing that made success a reality for me is that I finally came to a point where I said, "I am done. I want this out of my life for good. No windows cracked, no back doors left open". I made that leap from 'trying' to 'doing'.

Now, that is the tricky part. I have long wondered what changes in me, when I wake up one day and just know. This is the day. I have experienced this with dieting over the years. I always just KNOW when this is IT and I will do, not try.

My husband smokes and has, unsuccessfully, tried the vaping. I think there are so many other addictive chemicals in cigarettes, that makes vaping a distant second best. I will never forget how hard quitting smoking is so I don't give him a hard time, other than making him smoke outside

I will send out good thoughts for you to find your 'no turning back' commitment and for you to find your own 'quit'.

I am so glad I have been able to connect with you in your thread, mandy


I am a big fan of your writing, could read it all day long

I will continue to check for updates, but I will look forward to seeing you around SR.

rose xx

PS My kindred visit was fantastic! I am sorry it is over but I was left feeling like everything that should have happened, did, in just the right way!

PPS Kindred's dad passed just over a year ago. Grief never really leaves us but it does become liveable. And that's a good thing, for me, because I never want to forget

mandypandy

rose, you have helped me, on this thread through the hardest time of my life and I will be forever grateful to you

You've also made it very colourful haha

35 years? I'm 34 years, I thought I was a lost cause, thats so encouraging, you and Rar and soberista
About the vape thing, that's just what Rar said, that the vapes only give the nicotine and your body still has to withdraw from all the other chemicals in the cigs

I've tried everything too. Gum, patches, I remembered I tried that spray too, and it would sting my throat and choke me, chantix, whatever that drug was called, years ago I tried the "inhaler" which also stung like fruck and gave me millions of mouth ulcers (well not millions, 10).
I knew I was doomed for failure when I said I would "try" to quit the other day haha
I haven't tried FtoF hypnotism, just you tube one, and I was having a fag while I listened to it! Did try a tape once, but had just been watching a spider in the garden, and when I went "under" all I could see in my mind was the spider?!

I do want rid of it. I stink of it and the littles followed me outside when I went to smoke and asked why I'm putting fire in my mouth. I said "It's stupid thing to do and I want to stop it" my 6 year old went "Well if you don't want to do it, just stop it" I didn't even have an answer!

I think I will need every good thought you have ...haha

I hear what your saying. Just commit to it and give yourself no way back, that's just what I did with the drink, being a total wimp over this!!

I'm so glad your visit didn't disappoint

Yes, thats the only thing left to do, with loss, learn to live with it, I never want to forget either, nor "come to terms" with it. There is a hole in my life, a dad shaped hole, and there always will be.

Take Care rose, and thank you for your kindness and your company I'll be stalki.... see you around too haha
xxx

mandypandy

Thanks Trohyn, I think haha.
No, no one owns threads here, I own my blog though haha
I tell you what, I am going to start making use of my blog to waffle on, when I have some waffle on it, Ill send you a link and then I'll have 3 followers (unless the doctor has finally p!ssed off) But, big BUT no heckling from the peanut gallery! haha