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Old 06-26-2017, 01:47 PM
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Relapse

I decided about 2 weeks ago that I was going to have a drink and a smoke. I just didn't know when. I wanted to prove to myself that I could handle it. I wanted to fit in. I was tired of saying no to every drink offered my way for the last nine months. In hindsight I should have posted my craving on here so I could be talked out of it. So came Saturday night, I was out with some friends and was offered a vodka drink and some weed. After just one puff, I'm pretty sure what came next was a complete psychotic breakdown. My palms became sweaty, my heart started racing and I was having the "the world's worst panic attack". I've had panic attacks before but never like this. I thought I was dying of a heart attack. I also started to hear voices that weren't real and completely lost my ability to navigate while my wife drove us home on familiar streets. I was scared shitless. I somehow got to bed that night. Two days later the mania has left, but the guilt and regret with a very unhealthy dose of brain fog remains. Has anyone out there relapsed? Does one night kill the 281 days I was sober?
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Old 06-26-2017, 01:51 PM
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You sure that was weed you smoked? Sounds like 'spice' or something. As far as the sobriety days go...that's up to you to decide. I had 7+months and had a 'night out'..To me; that didn't negate my 7 months but, I did feel mad at myself for doing it.
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Old 06-26-2017, 01:55 PM
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"Has anyone out there relapsed?"

It is to laugh.... ;-)


"Does one night kill the 281 days I was sober?"

No (unless it leads to...)
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Old 06-26-2017, 01:59 PM
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Whatever you had consumed- liquid or vapour does not matter. It possibly could have made you VERY sick- or worse. Not a waste- a timely wake up call as to how deadly addiction and the warped thinking is. For me- the decision part is almost rational. To prove I could have just one would be pure bull.
Nothing is wasted if we learn from it. So get back up, start walking again with new knowledge and experience. Do NOT try this again. Next time, speaking from experience- could be your last. IT IS THAT SERIOUS.
Support to you.
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Old 06-26-2017, 02:13 PM
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I thought the same thing, it had to be laced. I bought an at-home drug test today and the only thing that marked positive was THC.

Originally Posted by DontRemember View Post
You sure that was weed you smoked? Sounds like 'spice' or something. As far as the sobriety days go...that's up to you to decide. I had 7+months and had a 'night out'..To me; that didn't negate my 7 months but, I did feel mad at myself for doing it.
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Old 06-26-2017, 02:18 PM
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Does one night kill the 281 days I was sober?
Only if you're being honest with yourself.
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Old 06-26-2017, 02:30 PM
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Uggghhh...I had more than 4 years sober until last November. That one beer started me down a path to drinking very heavily, again. I've now got 77 days sober now and it's been good. I hope you choose to stay sober, again.
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Old 06-26-2017, 02:44 PM
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Hey Changes

You did your research, I think the results are conclusive? Personally I'd write up the conclusion on your research thesis and make a firm decision you are DONE.

As per the day counting- figure out what is best for you and your restoring your sobriety. If you feel like you are being dishonest with yourself, that is a good indication of what your motives should be and that being dishonest won't lead you down a good path.

From your post- I think it sounds like you need to make some other changes to keep yourself on a healthier path? Do you have a plan in place? Are you being honest with yourself about the decisions to be around people who are still using?

I reset my sobriety very grudgingly after my last decision to use again. But now I do it one day at a time and every day I do maintenance OR I add something useful to my recovery plan, be it a new behaviour, ritual or support etc.

Just some thoughts for you. Phoenix is right tho, don't get stuck in the where you went, focus on where you are now and where you want to put your next steps. I know how important your sobriety is to you and how far you have come up until this point. This not the be all, end all and you are not doomed.

Pick up and dust off. You got this.
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Old 06-26-2017, 05:08 PM
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Thanks Dee. I have a nutritional and supplement regimen I follow. I think I need to add something spiratual to help with my racing mind. Very open to suggestions.

The crew I hang around is great about my sobriety. I met up with some old college buddies on Saturday that i haven't hung out with in years and the (poor) decision to smoke and drink was completely premeditated.

I am moving forward the only way I know how, one day at a time. Counting does work for me, I'm on day 2


Originally Posted by Delizadee View Post
Hey Changes

You did your research, I think the results are conclusive? Personally I'd write up the conclusion on your research thesis and make a firm decision you are DONE.

As per the day counting- figure out what is best for you and your restoring your sobriety. If you feel like you are being dishonest with yourself, that is a good indication of what your motives should be and that being dishonest won't lead you down a good path.

From your post- I think it sounds like you need to make some other changes to keep yourself on a healthier path? Do you have a plan in place? Are you being honest with yourself about the decisions to be around people who are still using?

I reset my sobriety very grudgingly after my last decision to use again. But now I do it one day at a time and every day I do maintenance OR I add something useful to my recovery plan, be it a new behaviour, ritual or support etc.

Just some thoughts for you. Phoenix is right tho, don't get stuck in the where you went, focus on where you are now and where you want to put your next steps. I know how important your sobriety is to you and how far you have come up until this point. This not the be all, end all and you are not doomed.

Pick up and dust off. You got this.
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Old 06-26-2017, 05:17 PM
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Do you know what 'spice' is? It could have been thc mixed with it..Not medical advice..Just saying.. I hit some 'spice' twice and freaked out both times..Thought I was dying or losing my mind. It doesn't show up on drug screens and is nothing but chemical crap. *also not promoting smoking weed*
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Old 06-26-2017, 05:23 PM
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Hi Changes

I found both weed and alcohol to be way more potent than I remembered after I relapsed after 2 months.

With day counts, it's a personal choice.

If it was me I'd reset my clock - I'd be too open to one day making it 2 nights 'off' out of how ever many...then 3...

I don't think resetting should be seen as a punishment, though - its about honesty.

In any case, as I said, your call...

The important thing is what happens from here:
You can make this part of an ongoing spiral or make this a blip, and continue on with your recovery.

I know which one I'd choose

D
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Old 06-26-2017, 05:29 PM
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Meditation could be the answer for your racing mind.
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Old 06-26-2017, 05:29 PM
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I know what spice is. I had a small addiction to spice in 2012...K2. The test I took screens for 12 different drugs, you have to send the urine sample away for spice testing which ain't happening. I definitely thought I was losing my
mind FOR SURE so it's a possibility.

Originally Posted by DontRemember View Post
Do you know what 'spice' is? It could have been thc mixed with it..Not medical advice..Just saying.. I hit some 'spice' twice and freaked out both times..Thought I was dying or losing my mind. It doesn't show up on drug screens and is nothing but chemical crap. *also not promoting smoking weed*
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Old 06-26-2017, 05:36 PM
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Originally Posted by Changes123 View Post
I know what spice is. I had a small addiction to spice in 2012...K2. The test I took screens for 12 different drugs, you have to send the urine sample away for spice testing which ain't happening. I definitely thought I was losing my
mind FOR SURE so it's a possibility.
My first time I 'wigged out' in a very public place with my best friend, who is a very public figure(he gave it to me) and security came..nothing happened "low blood sugar" they were told by management(bullsh*t)..The next..I was at a stop sign for maybe 20sec...felt like I was in limbo for eternity and going to stay there! F that crap! One was K2..not sure what the other was but, I do know a lot of homeless smoke it because they can't afford 'weed' and this gets them 'higher'. Best to abstain from everything if you can! I still smoke good weed from time to time but, quit a few months ago for drug testing reasons. I'm also a once a month weed smoker, if that. I have no problem with it,myself. Just don't let me have a drink or all hell breaks loose!
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Old 06-26-2017, 05:37 PM
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Thanks Anna. i downloaded headspace... again. I was meditating back in December, it helped but i stopped. Time to start again.

Originally Posted by Anna View Post
Meditation could be the answer for your racing mind.
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Old 06-26-2017, 06:10 PM
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there is absolutely no way i could hang out in the barber shop without eventually getting my hair cut.

" Has anyone out there relapsed?"
yes, and i came dam close to drinking.
relapse ends with a drink.


" decided about 2 weeks ago that I was going to have a drink and a smoke. I just didn't know when. I wanted to prove to myself that I could handle it."

" Does one night kill the 281 days I was sober?"

i would only be lieing to myself if i still considered i had continuous sobriety after making a conscious decision to go out and smoke dope and drink.

are ya done for good or still think you can handle it?
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Old 06-26-2017, 06:32 PM
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Originally Posted by Changes123 View Post
Thanks Dee. I have a nutritional and supplement regimen I follow. I think I need to add something spiratual to help with my racing mind. Very open to suggestions.

The crew I hang around is great about my sobriety. I met up with some old college buddies on Saturday that i haven't hung out with in years and the (poor) decision to smoke and drink was completely premeditated.

I am moving forward the only way I know how, one day at a time. Counting does work for me, I'm on day 2
THIS.

Now you know, understand and have admitted out loud that it was premeditated.
To my mind, this is almost more important than resetting your clock.

Next time, you'll see the thoughts coming and you will have a harder time denying to yourself what they are and where they lead to... cut it off at the pass.

Relapse starts way before we pick up our DOC.

I agree, meditation would help, along with yoga, have you ever tried? I love how centred and relaxed and flexible after doing yoga for a period of time. It does amazing things for strength too.

You could go onto youtube as well, there are some really great guided meditations on there. I also listen to a lot of positivity/affirmations/binaural beats (did we talk about that?? haha) sleep hypnosis etc... all different things I am trying out, in stints for a set period of time, if they have a positive impact even if it's small I'll stick to it?

I am also a talker. I have to have one or two trusted people I can talk to face to face about that mind racing stuff.
And then on here too. Journaling helps. Prayer... which is it's own form of meditation. Play around with different ideas and have some fun with it. Even if it feels goofy, any thing you try is better than using right?

Keep on my friend.
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Old 06-26-2017, 06:38 PM
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That's very literal. I know the clock resets on my sobriety. I was wondering about the fog, withdrawal cycle, and other advancements I've made since early
sobriety. I'm an addict and I couldn't handle it. Time to focus my addict personality on something other than booze and weed.

Originally Posted by tomsteve View Post
there is absolutely no way i could hang out in the barber shop without eventually getting my hair cut.

" Has anyone out there relapsed?"
yes, and i came dam close to drinking.
relapse ends with a drink.


" decided about 2 weeks ago that I was going to have a drink and a smoke. I just didn't know when. I wanted to prove to myself that I could handle it."

" Does one night kill the 281 days I was sober?"

i would only be lieing to myself if i still considered i had continuous sobriety after making a conscious decision to go out and smoke dope and drink.

are ya done for good or still think you can handle it?
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Old 06-26-2017, 06:57 PM
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and the (poor) decision to smoke and drink was completely premeditated.

that wasn't a slip or an oopsie, that was in your words a premeditated event. with a nine month sober mind, you made the choice to say YES again.

as far as what you smoked? well, just be glad you are back to a sane mind. there is some wicked stuff out there now, ok MORE wicked stuff cuz there always has been the potential of ingesting something laced with something. bottom line, it doesn't matter WHAT you smoked....it matters THAT you smoked.

still think you are missing out? was that fun? worth it?

so regarding your question.....IMHO yes you broke your sobriety. you did not lose what you have learned ABOUT sobriety, but your infrastructure that SUPPORTS recovery failed.

don't try to cultivate your addictive personality into something healthy. learn to not give into addictive tenancies. learn to be balanced, centered, stable. find healthy outlets for your interests.
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Old 06-26-2017, 06:58 PM
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I'll share knowing that it may or may not be of any help. Many years ago I had an affinity for a certain drug. Let's just say I liked the way it smelled. I went through a few years and did copious amounts of this drug. It took me to some dark dark places. Towards the end I was trying to get out of the scene and was on occasion offered some, I partook just a minute amount and it send me into full blown panic. I'm convinced it was my conscience telling me that I should not be doing it. To this day I think if I had even a tiny amount it would send me into a complete tailspin. It would be more psychological than anything. Maybe that's what happened to you?
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