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Got very sick and very depressed. Day 17 into sobriety.

Old 06-06-2017, 08:04 PM
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Got very sick and very depressed. Day 17 into sobriety.

Just a check in.

I am still slowly healing from two full days of getting really sick. Still really fatigued today, but better.

With the sickness came an unraveling of MUCH of my big burst of healthy forward motion in my new sober life. I havent done anything unhealthy (even smoking less, because being sick wont allow me to smoke so much). But all that great energy for cleaning, and organizing, and yoga sort flushed right down the drain... and fast.

I was simply too ill.

I was so sick that I couldnt even finish a shower the other day... Felt like every limb weighed 200 lbs. Slept several times a day each day.

Really icky unwellness.

So... this has been quite disheartening and depressing.

I dont know what it means... I dont know what the gift is here.

Been sad, too, about being the youngest by many years of all my family members. Even my siblings are in questionable health and all of them are in their mid-50's now. I love my parents and siblings dearly. (Oops, here comes the tears... Woosh)... They are everything to me. I am only 43. My parents are in their 80's.

Its daunting to think of whats ahead of me.

The thought of being the last one standing... is very daunting.

No husband. No children. Very few friends. Hardly a dime. Can't drive anymore (panic attacks).


I am fit, I am a talented writer, and I have two animals, one a very aged dog (aged, but still doing great so far).

So much sadness for what isnt there anymore.

I walked across town to deliver my mothers voting ballot tonight to the polling place... There was an AA meeting starting in the room next door... Could hear the clapping, and it was weird, I had already, earlier today, for the first time since becoming sober, looked up local AA meetings here in the town where my mom lives. I had looked at that very meeting online hours before fate carried me to its doorstep. Pretty synchronistic. But I couldnt bring myself to go in. For several reasons... social anxiety, and also, I grew up in this town and the idea of potentially seeing someone from high school days just totally wigs me out.

I didnt go.

So guys... I am sharing tonight because I need to share. I have no wisdom or insight right now. Just staying sober and trying to find some GODness.

its gotta be around here somewhere.
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Old 06-06-2017, 08:22 PM
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Thanks for sharing, I'll share my opinion. First at day 17 my emotions were still all over the place made no sense, so don't put a lot of trust in them yet. Next, I know I couldn't stay sober alone. Somewhere you have to have an effective support system. Lastly the pride and good feeling of being sober, and living free of alcohol eventually surpasses the initial embarrassment of being an alcoholic. I have something helpful and real to share with others, I'm not going to let anyone scare me off. Giving is key in staying sober, just like having support. Go to the meeting, you won't regret it.
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Old 06-06-2017, 08:31 PM
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Oh Herculana,

I've been thinking of you a lot. I'm so sorry you've been sick, especially in this new, vulnerable passage for you. It has to have been a rough few days. I think SimplyFree has a good point: Your emotions no doubt are all over the place right now. Try not to let these raw feelings get to you too much. Recognize your vulnerability and remind yourself of the huge changes you are going through, physically, emotionally and spiritually. It's a fragile time.

You are doing great, making yourself stronger and better able to be a good daughter to your parents and sister to your siblings, who you love so much. Don't be too hard on yourself! You will come out on the other side, stronger for yourself and for them.

Try to get some good sleep and tomorrow will be a better day.

We are here for you and cheering you on!

xoxo
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Old 06-06-2017, 08:34 PM
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Just keep pushing through, herculana.
There will be good days and bad.
Times when you are melancholy.
Times when you just want to drink.
This is life. Not every day is shiny.
But you are well. You are not drinking.
Huge.
Hugs.
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Old 06-06-2017, 08:35 PM
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Tears again.

I have some sort of strange compassionate link with you Tealilly.

Thank you <3
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Old 06-06-2017, 08:36 PM
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Thank you Maudecat, too
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Old 06-06-2017, 08:49 PM
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Thx for checking in herculana. Sorry you've been so sick. Right now you feel weak, eh? Good you were at least able to sleep.

I've been thinking about the strong helping the weak, but moreso the weak helping the strong....see, you are a help to all of us here, even if you feel like you are weak. Funny how that works, but just go with it and believe me on that. The weak help the strong, the weak help the weak and on it goes..... Hugs!!
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Old 06-06-2017, 08:51 PM
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Being sick has always made me emotional. When I feel physically awful, I feel awful in all areas. I hope you start to feel better soon. Its good that you have this forum to count on. A place to get well and to get some perspective. 17 days is amazing work. Good job, Herculana!
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Old 06-06-2017, 09:41 PM
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It's important to realise that being sick is part of many peoples experience of early recovery.

I believe we really run our immune system, down as drinkers and druggers.

But this will pass

It's also vital to realise not every day is going to be awesome with sunshine flowers and unicorns - some days will be a trudge. Life is like that

The really good thing is we can still have bad days - not bad weeks months or years like we used to

To me, you're doing fine
Hope you're feeling better and more positive again soon

D
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Old 06-07-2017, 12:04 AM
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Thinking of you Herculana and hoping you are feeling better today.
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Old 06-07-2017, 03:50 AM
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Sending hugs and support, Herc. Take care Xx
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Old 06-07-2017, 05:46 AM
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(((herculana)))

Feeling sick always gets me down.

For me, sobriety and recovery is a marathon, the long game. Not a sprint.

Be gentle with yourself
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Old 06-07-2017, 05:59 AM
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". For several reasons... social anxiety, and also, I grew up in this town and the idea of potentially seeing someone from high school days just totally wigs me out. '
i can really relate to that fear! an old timer told me one day,"dam, tom, i heard ya talkin about sleepin in your car in th ebar parking lot and stumbling through the grocery store drunk as cooter brown. youre afraid of running into someone ya know at an AA meeting or people finding out your getting help for a drinking problem, but didnt seem to care who say ya knee walkin drunk. kind of nuts,eh? would ya rather run into someone ya know at a place to get help for your drinking problem or in jail?"


huh!!!!

p.s.

youre trying to find some GODness- awesome!!
maybe,just maybe GOD was givin ya a little sign there where to find it.

huh!!
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Old 06-07-2017, 06:04 AM
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I've been reading the book Alcohol Explained by William Porter and found it to be so helpful. It talks about how since we have used the alcohol to deal with emotions etc. the body kind of forgets how to handle it for a bit and we are overwhelmed by some of the feelings we tried to cover up. But good newsis it comes back with time and God's help. So hang in there it will get better.
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Old 06-07-2017, 07:36 AM
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Youre all so wonderful.

Thank you.

I know how my post sounded.


"youre trying to find some GODness- awesome!!
maybe,just maybe GOD was givin ya a little sign there where to find it."

Yeah.... LOl... There has been A LOT of that these days. Ever since becoming sober, GOD SHOTS abound every day (crazy correct intuition, and synchronicities like that one ABOUNDING).

And that also leads me to firmly believe that THIS SICKNESS has ALSO been a God-shot (a gift disguised).

Today I see clearly how I let fear get the better of me. And I am for sure cutting myself slack over it. But its really good to see it clearly this morning.

One of the tools I learned many years ago during my meditation practice is a sort of phrase to help me let go of anxiety and to bring me into the present.

The phrase is, "IN THIS MOMENT, EVERYTHING IS TOTALLY OKAY".

That phrase really helped me see that the only thing that was keeping me from peacefulness and joy was my THINKING. It wasnt real stuff. It was MY THOUGHTS ABOUT STUFF.

In reality... for example, right now:

I am sober 18 days.

I am Loved.

My rent is paid.

I have a roof over my head.

The dog needs a walk.

The trash needs to go out.

Etc... These are the things that are ACTUALLY occurring or in need of my attention RIGHT NOW.

Life is going to come to me, moment by moment, and future tripping over it all ... thats not my business.

My business is only to stay in the NOW.

And NOW is totally stable and fine and okay.

And if I take the moments like this, in THIS WAY...

All of life will unfold at that same pace.

Anyway.

Thanks guys.

Feeling better today.
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Old 06-07-2017, 07:44 AM
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So glad you're feeling more hopeful today, Herculana. You have so much to be
proud. Today will be a better day, I'm sure. Hugs
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Old 06-07-2017, 10:21 AM
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"IN THIS MOMENT, EVERYTHING IS TOTALLY OKAY".

I am a big fan of this statement and remind myself of this whenever my anxiety decides to ramp up for no reason.

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Old 06-07-2017, 02:52 PM
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Glad to hear you're feeling better
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Old 06-07-2017, 03:10 PM
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I believe the body goes through some pretty massive changes in early sobriety and everyone's timetable is different. I was pretty lucky and felt darn good and stayed feeling good after about 8 days. I do know other people are still dragging after a few months. It'll come and you'll when it happens.
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Old 06-07-2017, 06:26 PM
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the wisest people I know are those who say 'I do not know- I need to share/vent/get support. you did, you have.
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