Got very sick and very depressed. Day 17 into sobriety.
Just a check in.
I am still slowly healing from two full days of getting really sick. Still really fatigued today, but better.
With the sickness came an unraveling of MUCH of my big burst of healthy forward motion in my new sober life. I havent done anything unhealthy (even smoking less, because being sick wont allow me to smoke so much). But all that great energy for cleaning, and organizing, and yoga sort flushed right down the drain... and fast.
I was simply too ill.
I was so sick that I couldnt even finish a shower the other day... Felt like every limb weighed 200 lbs. Slept several times a day each day.
Really icky unwellness.
So... this has been quite disheartening and depressing.
I dont know what it means... I dont know what the gift is here.
Been sad, too, about being the youngest by many years of all my family members. Even my siblings are in questionable health and all of them are in their mid-50's now. I love my parents and siblings dearly. (Oops, here comes the tears... Woosh)... They are everything to me. I am only 43. My parents are in their 80's.
Its daunting to think of whats ahead of me.
The thought of being the last one standing... is very daunting.
No husband. No children. Very few friends. Hardly a dime. Can't drive anymore (panic attacks).
I am fit, I am a talented writer, and I have two animals, one a very aged dog (aged, but still doing great so far).
So much sadness for what isnt there anymore.
I walked across town to deliver my mothers voting ballot tonight to the polling place... There was an AA meeting starting in the room next door... Could hear the clapping, and it was weird, I had already, earlier today, for the first time since becoming sober, looked up local AA meetings here in the town where my mom lives. I had looked at that very meeting online hours before fate carried me to its doorstep. Pretty synchronistic. But I couldnt bring myself to go in. For several reasons... social anxiety, and also, I grew up in this town and the idea of potentially seeing someone from high school days just totally wigs me out.
I didnt go.
So guys... I am sharing tonight because I need to share. I have no wisdom or insight right now. Just staying sober and trying to find some GODness.
its gotta be around here somewhere.