Wine drinking woman, desperate to stop
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 666
120 days today!
Just had a birthday recently, and feel so much better. Younger in a weird way.
Such a gift to feel free, healthy and with no wine to regret.
What a burden it was to carry that addiction, physically and mentally.
Just had a birthday recently, and feel so much better. Younger in a weird way.
Such a gift to feel free, healthy and with no wine to regret.
What a burden it was to carry that addiction, physically and mentally.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,246
Originally Posted by tealily 
120 days today!
Just had a birthday recently, and feel so much better. Younger in a weird way.
Such a gift to feel free, healthy and with no wine to regret.
What a burden it was to carry that addiction, physically and mentally.
Just had a birthday recently, and feel so much better. Younger in a weird way.
Such a gift to feel free, healthy and with no wine to regret.
What a burden it was to carry that addiction, physically and mentally.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: east coast
Posts: 451
Originally Posted by tealily
I have been lurking here for several years. Always wanting to join in, but afraid. I have been so impressed by the strength, compassion, wisdom and goodness I see here. I hope I can be part of this community and pull myself out of the darkness I have been in for the past 7 or 8 years.
Wine is my problem. I have tried quitting many times, sometimes making it 3 or 4 months, but always going back. I have to make a change.
I am a woman, in my 50s, a wife, a mother of older children and a wine drinker. A bottle a night lately, still functioning, hiding it for the most part from all my friends and family... functioning, but miserable and unhealthy, and hating myself. I see my life falling down around me, my health and looks declining, my interests and creativity and energy going by the wayside, all progress stalling. I get things done, but just barely. Almost everything that was beautiful and deep and real has been replaced by an endless round of thinking about wine, regretting wine, buying wine, drinking wine, hiding wine, disposing of wine, recovering from wine and repeating. Over and over. Day after day. Early morning appointments? No way. Projects languish. Piles accumulate. I used to have interests and hobbies and talents and joys. They've been replaced by drinking. On the outside, I think most people would have no idea. But I know how miserable and small my life has become. And yet I can't stop myself.
I have tried all the things I've read here. Having a plan. Distracting myself. Doing something productive. Surfing the urge. Just saying no for the day. But somehow I still come around a day or two later to thinking it's not so bad, I can have a drink. Listening to the crack of that screw top, Hearing the glug of the wine in the glass. I know it's addiction. The pleasure is only in that moment, and then nothing but misery and deprivation follows. But I repeat and repeat. The "joys" of drinking are long gone. I don't use pretty glasses. I don't drink in restaurants or on seaside terraces. I pour plastic glasses in secret in the garage or kitchen or laundry room and hide plastic tumblers behind laundry and dishes. So glamorous.
I never was a drinker before middle age .. not even in my young days in college, and never through my pregnancies and breastfeeding and days with young children. But, in my 40s, probably a little depressed and very anxious, I began to drink more and more, easily falling in with the suburban mom, book club wine-drinking thing. I never thought I was "medicating myself" but realize I probably was. It started so innocently.. joining my husband with a glass of lovely wine, discussing the vintage and variety. One bottle between us became two.
At first it was only on weekends, then Thursdays, then Sundays. Then every night. First a few glasses, then a whole bottle, and more if we had it. When I realized it was too much, I announced I was stopping. Social drinking ended. Everyone knew: Tealily only drank seltzer and "mocktails". Little did they know I would stop at the store on the way home and buy a bottle to drink in full, alone at home. Finding an excuse to run to the store, making sure I have wine. Hiding the empties. Switching stores. Cringing at the recycling truck emptying our clanging can. I never go to bars, never am drunk in public.. but every night at home when everyone is asleep, I give in. I don't even try to rationalize that "I deserve it" because I know that's stupid.. I actually "deserve" better health .. not pouring a bottle of poison through my liver .. but I do it anyway. Every morning I swear I won't, but I do it over and over and over again. I have had countless Day Ones, only to falter after Day Two.
I hope I can help someone with my story, and pray that you all can help me stop now. I want a better life, with what I have left. And I want to be better for my husband and kids. And myself. Please help me! Thank you for this community.
Wine is my problem. I have tried quitting many times, sometimes making it 3 or 4 months, but always going back. I have to make a change.
I am a woman, in my 50s, a wife, a mother of older children and a wine drinker. A bottle a night lately, still functioning, hiding it for the most part from all my friends and family... functioning, but miserable and unhealthy, and hating myself. I see my life falling down around me, my health and looks declining, my interests and creativity and energy going by the wayside, all progress stalling. I get things done, but just barely. Almost everything that was beautiful and deep and real has been replaced by an endless round of thinking about wine, regretting wine, buying wine, drinking wine, hiding wine, disposing of wine, recovering from wine and repeating. Over and over. Day after day. Early morning appointments? No way. Projects languish. Piles accumulate. I used to have interests and hobbies and talents and joys. They've been replaced by drinking. On the outside, I think most people would have no idea. But I know how miserable and small my life has become. And yet I can't stop myself.
I have tried all the things I've read here. Having a plan. Distracting myself. Doing something productive. Surfing the urge. Just saying no for the day. But somehow I still come around a day or two later to thinking it's not so bad, I can have a drink. Listening to the crack of that screw top, Hearing the glug of the wine in the glass. I know it's addiction. The pleasure is only in that moment, and then nothing but misery and deprivation follows. But I repeat and repeat. The "joys" of drinking are long gone. I don't use pretty glasses. I don't drink in restaurants or on seaside terraces. I pour plastic glasses in secret in the garage or kitchen or laundry room and hide plastic tumblers behind laundry and dishes. So glamorous.
I never was a drinker before middle age .. not even in my young days in college, and never through my pregnancies and breastfeeding and days with young children. But, in my 40s, probably a little depressed and very anxious, I began to drink more and more, easily falling in with the suburban mom, book club wine-drinking thing. I never thought I was "medicating myself" but realize I probably was. It started so innocently.. joining my husband with a glass of lovely wine, discussing the vintage and variety. One bottle between us became two.
At first it was only on weekends, then Thursdays, then Sundays. Then every night. First a few glasses, then a whole bottle, and more if we had it. When I realized it was too much, I announced I was stopping. Social drinking ended. Everyone knew: Tealily only drank seltzer and "mocktails". Little did they know I would stop at the store on the way home and buy a bottle to drink in full, alone at home. Finding an excuse to run to the store, making sure I have wine. Hiding the empties. Switching stores. Cringing at the recycling truck emptying our clanging can. I never go to bars, never am drunk in public.. but every night at home when everyone is asleep, I give in. I don't even try to rationalize that "I deserve it" because I know that's stupid.. I actually "deserve" better health .. not pouring a bottle of poison through my liver .. but I do it anyway. Every morning I swear I won't, but I do it over and over and over again. I have had countless Day Ones, only to falter after Day Two.
I hope I can help someone with my story, and pray that you all can help me stop now. I want a better life, with what I have left. And I want to be better for my husband and kids. And myself. Please help me! Thank you for this community.
I just came back on this site after continuing to relaspe every since 2004. Boy everything I so relate to, especially when spoke about the dredful sounds of bottles clanging. How are you doing did you ever get sober?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 666
6 months! around the corner
Just checking in after a time away.. I am coming up on my 6 month anniversary of quitting wine. Life is so much better, in every way.
I am happier. I actually laugh out loud. I'm healthier, with a great recent round of blood tests and a physical. I am getting in shape, working with a triathalon coach, getting up early and feeling great in the mornings. I've lost weight, and people tell me I look younger.
After years of projects stalling, our home deteriorating, I'm getting projects and improvements finally done. My husband is so happy. I'm appreciating sunsets, the light through the fall leaves, the night sky, the crisp moonlight, the sounds of early morning. Before I was so focused on drinking and getting over drinking, and getting only the bare minimum done to keep my work and household going, that I didn't have time for bigger and better things, beyond myself.
The world is opening up. When you are drinking, it closes in on you, and your life gets smaller and smaller.
I think back to how much time I wasted, thinking about wine, buying wine, drinking wine, recovering from wine, disposing of wine bottles, hiding them before I drank them, and hiding the empties. The shame, guilt, sickness, remorse.. the lying, the hiding.. the regret.
It is NO WAY TO LIVE. If you are thinking, "but how can I give up lovely drinking (e.g., pouring poison down your throat and through your liver), it is my entertainment, it is what makes a party, it is necessary, it makes me so happy". They are LIES. Step back, and you know that makes NO SENSE. Drinking hurts you physically, emotionally, psychologically. It's a poison.
Now, the smell of alcohol on others' breath just about makes me sick.
Yes, thoughts STILL pop into my head, though.. despite all this .. that maybe I could "have a glass". But that's a LIE too. It wouldn't be a glass. It would be a bottle. Day after day. And then a bottle and a half.
It's just so much easier to take drinking off the table, literally. I just don't do it anymore.
I'm at 178 days now.. so this Thanksgiving will be a double celebration.
To all those just getting started, it is possible. It's in your power to stop.
This place is tremendous. So many helpful, caring, supportive people.
Thank you, all!
I am happier. I actually laugh out loud. I'm healthier, with a great recent round of blood tests and a physical. I am getting in shape, working with a triathalon coach, getting up early and feeling great in the mornings. I've lost weight, and people tell me I look younger.
After years of projects stalling, our home deteriorating, I'm getting projects and improvements finally done. My husband is so happy. I'm appreciating sunsets, the light through the fall leaves, the night sky, the crisp moonlight, the sounds of early morning. Before I was so focused on drinking and getting over drinking, and getting only the bare minimum done to keep my work and household going, that I didn't have time for bigger and better things, beyond myself.
The world is opening up. When you are drinking, it closes in on you, and your life gets smaller and smaller.
I think back to how much time I wasted, thinking about wine, buying wine, drinking wine, recovering from wine, disposing of wine bottles, hiding them before I drank them, and hiding the empties. The shame, guilt, sickness, remorse.. the lying, the hiding.. the regret.
It is NO WAY TO LIVE. If you are thinking, "but how can I give up lovely drinking (e.g., pouring poison down your throat and through your liver), it is my entertainment, it is what makes a party, it is necessary, it makes me so happy". They are LIES. Step back, and you know that makes NO SENSE. Drinking hurts you physically, emotionally, psychologically. It's a poison.
Now, the smell of alcohol on others' breath just about makes me sick.
Yes, thoughts STILL pop into my head, though.. despite all this .. that maybe I could "have a glass". But that's a LIE too. It wouldn't be a glass. It would be a bottle. Day after day. And then a bottle and a half.
It's just so much easier to take drinking off the table, literally. I just don't do it anymore.
I'm at 178 days now.. so this Thanksgiving will be a double celebration.
To all those just getting started, it is possible. It's in your power to stop.
This place is tremendous. So many helpful, caring, supportive people.
Thank you, all!
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: east coast
Posts: 451
Originally Posted by tealily
Just checking in after a time away.. I am coming up on my 6 month anniversary of quitting wine. Life is so much better, in every way.
I am happier. I actually laugh out loud. I'm healthier, with a great recent round of blood tests and a physical. I am getting in shape, working with a triathalon coach, getting up early and feeling great in the mornings. I've lost weight, and people tell me I look younger.
After years of projects stalling, our home deteriorating, I'm getting projects and improvements finally done. My husband is so happy. I'm appreciating sunsets, the light through the fall leaves, the night sky, the crisp moonlight, the sounds of early morning. Before I was so focused on drinking and getting over drinking, and getting only the bare minimum done to keep my work and household going, that I didn't have time for bigger and better things, beyond myself.
The world is opening up. When you are drinking, it closes in on you, and your life gets smaller and smaller.
I think back to how much time I wasted, thinking about wine, buying wine, drinking wine, recovering from wine, disposing of wine bottles, hiding them before I drank them, and hiding the empties. The shame, guilt, sickness, remorse.. the lying, the hiding.. the regret.
It is NO WAY TO LIVE. If you are thinking, "but how can I give up lovely drinking (e.g., pouring poison down your throat and through your liver), it is my entertainment, it is what makes a party, it is necessary, it makes me so happy". They are LIES. Step back, and you know that makes NO SENSE. Drinking hurts you physically, emotionally, psychologically. It's a poison.
Now, the smell of alcohol on others' breath just about makes me sick.
Yes, thoughts STILL pop into my head, though.. despite all this .. that maybe I could "have a glass". But that's a LIE too. It wouldn't be a glass. It would be a bottle. Day after day. And then a bottle and a half.
It's just so much easier to take drinking off the table, literally. I just don't do it anymore.
I'm at 178 days now.. so this Thanksgiving will be a double celebration.
To all those just getting started, it is possible. It's in your power to stop.
This place is tremendous. So many helpful, caring, supportive people.
Thank you, all!
I am happier. I actually laugh out loud. I'm healthier, with a great recent round of blood tests and a physical. I am getting in shape, working with a triathalon coach, getting up early and feeling great in the mornings. I've lost weight, and people tell me I look younger.
After years of projects stalling, our home deteriorating, I'm getting projects and improvements finally done. My husband is so happy. I'm appreciating sunsets, the light through the fall leaves, the night sky, the crisp moonlight, the sounds of early morning. Before I was so focused on drinking and getting over drinking, and getting only the bare minimum done to keep my work and household going, that I didn't have time for bigger and better things, beyond myself.
The world is opening up. When you are drinking, it closes in on you, and your life gets smaller and smaller.
I think back to how much time I wasted, thinking about wine, buying wine, drinking wine, recovering from wine, disposing of wine bottles, hiding them before I drank them, and hiding the empties. The shame, guilt, sickness, remorse.. the lying, the hiding.. the regret.
It is NO WAY TO LIVE. If you are thinking, "but how can I give up lovely drinking (e.g., pouring poison down your throat and through your liver), it is my entertainment, it is what makes a party, it is necessary, it makes me so happy". They are LIES. Step back, and you know that makes NO SENSE. Drinking hurts you physically, emotionally, psychologically. It's a poison.
Now, the smell of alcohol on others' breath just about makes me sick.
Yes, thoughts STILL pop into my head, though.. despite all this .. that maybe I could "have a glass". But that's a LIE too. It wouldn't be a glass. It would be a bottle. Day after day. And then a bottle and a half.
It's just so much easier to take drinking off the table, literally. I just don't do it anymore.
I'm at 178 days now.. so this Thanksgiving will be a double celebration.
To all those just getting started, it is possible. It's in your power to stop.
This place is tremendous. So many helpful, caring, supportive people.
Thank you, all!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 452
Well done tealily. I just found your story and it really resonated with me. It's so lovely to see people breaking free from destructive habits. I always found alcohol slowly pervaded my life to the point of feeling saturated by the stuff. It takes courage to admit to having a problem but it really is the best way to rationalise it. I have tried to moderate in the past but can't do that either. I end up black-out again and wracked by shame and guilt. There has to be a better way! All the best,
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 219
Originally Posted by tealily
Just checking in after a time away.. I am coming up on my 6 month anniversary of quitting wine. Life is so much better, in every way.
I am happier. I actually laugh out loud. I'm healthier, with a great recent round of blood tests and a physical. I am getting in shape, working with a triathalon coach, getting up early and feeling great in the mornings. I've lost weight, and people tell me I look younger.
After years of projects stalling, our home deteriorating, I'm getting projects and improvements finally done. My husband is so happy. I'm appreciating sunsets, the light through the fall leaves, the night sky, the crisp moonlight, the sounds of early morning. Before I was so focused on drinking and getting over drinking, and getting only the bare minimum done to keep my work and household going, that I didn't have time for bigger and better things, beyond myself.
The world is opening up. When you are drinking, it closes in on you, and your life gets smaller and smaller.
I think back to how much time I wasted, thinking about wine, buying wine, drinking wine, recovering from wine, disposing of wine bottles, hiding them before I drank them, and hiding the empties. The shame, guilt, sickness, remorse.. the lying, the hiding.. the regret.
It is NO WAY TO LIVE. If you are thinking, "but how can I give up lovely drinking (e.g., pouring poison down your throat and through your liver), it is my entertainment, it is what makes a party, it is necessary, it makes me so happy". They are LIES. Step back, and you know that makes NO SENSE. Drinking hurts you physically, emotionally, psychologically. It's a poison.
Now, the smell of alcohol on others' breath just about makes me sick.
Yes, thoughts STILL pop into my head, though.. despite all this .. that maybe I could "have a glass". But that's a LIE too. It wouldn't be a glass. It would be a bottle. Day after day. And then a bottle and a half.
It's just so much easier to take drinking off the table, literally. I just don't do it anymore.
I'm at 178 days now.. so this Thanksgiving will be a double celebration.
To all those just getting started, it is possible. It's in your power to stop.
This place is tremendous. So many helpful, caring, supportive people.
Thank you, all!
I am happier. I actually laugh out loud. I'm healthier, with a great recent round of blood tests and a physical. I am getting in shape, working with a triathalon coach, getting up early and feeling great in the mornings. I've lost weight, and people tell me I look younger.
After years of projects stalling, our home deteriorating, I'm getting projects and improvements finally done. My husband is so happy. I'm appreciating sunsets, the light through the fall leaves, the night sky, the crisp moonlight, the sounds of early morning. Before I was so focused on drinking and getting over drinking, and getting only the bare minimum done to keep my work and household going, that I didn't have time for bigger and better things, beyond myself.
The world is opening up. When you are drinking, it closes in on you, and your life gets smaller and smaller.
I think back to how much time I wasted, thinking about wine, buying wine, drinking wine, recovering from wine, disposing of wine bottles, hiding them before I drank them, and hiding the empties. The shame, guilt, sickness, remorse.. the lying, the hiding.. the regret.
It is NO WAY TO LIVE. If you are thinking, "but how can I give up lovely drinking (e.g., pouring poison down your throat and through your liver), it is my entertainment, it is what makes a party, it is necessary, it makes me so happy". They are LIES. Step back, and you know that makes NO SENSE. Drinking hurts you physically, emotionally, psychologically. It's a poison.
Now, the smell of alcohol on others' breath just about makes me sick.
Yes, thoughts STILL pop into my head, though.. despite all this .. that maybe I could "have a glass". But that's a LIE too. It wouldn't be a glass. It would be a bottle. Day after day. And then a bottle and a half.
It's just so much easier to take drinking off the table, literally. I just don't do it anymore.
I'm at 178 days now.. so this Thanksgiving will be a double celebration.
To all those just getting started, it is possible. It's in your power to stop.
This place is tremendous. So many helpful, caring, supportive people.
Thank you, all!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 666
At 7 months of sobriety now, and through Thanksgiving and Christmas without alcohol. I occasionally thought of it when others were pouring wine and champagne (so eager for those thoughts to go away completely), but I never for more than a moment considered giving in.
For years I would wrap presents for the children and stuff stockings on Christmas Eve while drinking a whole bottle of wine or more, being awakened early on Christmas morning feeling like death. This year I could go to sleep knowing I'd wake up feeling well and unashamed, able to enjoy the morning with my family, instead of dragging myself out of bed, secretly suffering, bleary eyed and hung over.
Wishing a happy, healthy New Years to you all~
For years I would wrap presents for the children and stuff stockings on Christmas Eve while drinking a whole bottle of wine or more, being awakened early on Christmas morning feeling like death. This year I could go to sleep knowing I'd wake up feeling well and unashamed, able to enjoy the morning with my family, instead of dragging myself out of bed, secretly suffering, bleary eyed and hung over.
Wishing a happy, healthy New Years to you all~
Member
Join Date: May 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 104
Tealily, it is such a treat to see your thread again. I remember reading your original post during one of my wine-induced hazes. At the time, I knew that I couldn't continue as I was, but wasn't ready to admit that I couldn't moderate or control my drinking. But reading your post was like looking in the mirror. It stayed with me. It took a few more months for me to finally let go and put down that last glass. Best thing I did.
I am so happy to hear that you are still doing well and look forward to future updates. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I am just one of many that you have helped.
Happy New Year to as you as well!
I am so happy to hear that you are still doing well and look forward to future updates. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I am just one of many that you have helped.
Happy New Year to as you as well!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,044
Originally Posted by tealily
At 7 months of sobriety now, and through Thanksgiving and Christmas without alcohol. I occasionally thought of it when others were pouring wine and champagne (so eager for those thoughts to go away completely), but I never for more than a moment considered giving in.
For years I would wrap presents for the children and stuff stockings on Christmas Eve while drinking a whole bottle of wine or more, being awakened early on Christmas morning feeling like death. This year I could go to sleep knowing I'd wake up feeling well and unashamed, able to enjoy the morning with my family, instead of dragging myself out of bed, secretly suffering, bleary eyed and hung over.
Wishing a happy, healthy New Years to you all~
For years I would wrap presents for the children and stuff stockings on Christmas Eve while drinking a whole bottle of wine or more, being awakened early on Christmas morning feeling like death. This year I could go to sleep knowing I'd wake up feeling well and unashamed, able to enjoy the morning with my family, instead of dragging myself out of bed, secretly suffering, bleary eyed and hung over.
Wishing a happy, healthy New Years to you all~
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