Wine drinking woman, desperate to stop
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Australia
Posts: 11,351
Oh Tealily , I could have written this exact same post. I see so much of me in your post. I didn't drink til after my children were born in my 30s .
They have all grown up and left home.
I'm now in my 50s and have struggled a lot like you.
I'm so, so happy that you took the plunge and decided to write.
I love your honesty and you sound like a lovely woman.
You truly deserve better for yourself and I hope you can find it with us.
There are so many wonderful people here that I truly love and are proud to call my friends.
We have a bond here like no other. We have all come together without judgement and really want to help our fellow alcoholics.
I still don't like writing that down but have to be true to myself.
Now that you have taken this step you can make yourself accountable to you .
Let us help you.
When you get sober ,you will soon regain your love of your hobbies and enjoy the things you are good at.
You deserve this. I can't tell you how much better I feel after being 2 months sober. There is nothing better in life that getting off that damn drinking treadmill.
It's no life, it's hell . I love being able to have conversations with my family again without being hungover, I love being able to be there when I'm needed instead of making a lame excuse ,which no one believes anyhow.
Most of all, I just love being ME again. I want you to be YOU again and I know you can be.
We are all in your corner lovely, please take those first steps xxx
Much love
They have all grown up and left home.
I'm now in my 50s and have struggled a lot like you.
I'm so, so happy that you took the plunge and decided to write.
I love your honesty and you sound like a lovely woman.
You truly deserve better for yourself and I hope you can find it with us.
There are so many wonderful people here that I truly love and are proud to call my friends.
We have a bond here like no other. We have all come together without judgement and really want to help our fellow alcoholics.
I still don't like writing that down but have to be true to myself.
Now that you have taken this step you can make yourself accountable to you .
Let us help you.
When you get sober ,you will soon regain your love of your hobbies and enjoy the things you are good at.
You deserve this. I can't tell you how much better I feel after being 2 months sober. There is nothing better in life that getting off that damn drinking treadmill.
It's no life, it's hell . I love being able to have conversations with my family again without being hungover, I love being able to be there when I'm needed instead of making a lame excuse ,which no one believes anyhow.
Most of all, I just love being ME again. I want you to be YOU again and I know you can be.
We are all in your corner lovely, please take those first steps xxx
Much love
Maladaptive
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: East coast, USA
Posts: 558
Originally Posted by tealily 
Thank you all for the welcome and support. I'm so grateful for this lifeline. I have thought I could fix this on my own for several years now .. but clearly I can't. I noticed on my introductory post that I joined here in 2015 (!), and know I was lurking before that, but have only just come out of the shadows now.
My husband is the only one I"ve confided in. He has tried to help me, but I have confessed relapses over and over, so it's a broken record. He's not pressuring me, but to avoid the shame of confessing again, I now just hide it. He still drinks, without a problem, so we have wine and beer in the house. He has offered to not have it here. Maybe I need to take him up on that. I don't usually drink his wine, but seeing him with a glass doesn't help.
Friends think I've quit for health reasons, and even praise me for how "good" I'm being and that they wish they could do the same. I feel like such a fraud. I don't even miss drinking in social situations now. I've gotten past that. I'm used to ordering water and seltzer in restaurants and don't embarrass myself in front of others anymore. Instead I drink alone at home, very late at night, buying wine almost daily with our groceries (only one bottle at a time, or I'd drink more).
I hide it in my car. I stay up till all hours. I fall into bed way after midnight, in effect pass out, and wake up about 4 hours later, miserable and ashamed of myself. I swear I won't do it again, and if there's any wine left I go downstairs and pour it down the drain.
During the day I swear I"ll stop, that this will be the newest new first day. I even note the date somewhere. But about dinnertime I start thinking of excuses for why it's ok to buy wine at the grocery store, and it starts all over again. I've educated myself that I know it's not a "reward", that I don't "deserve it" after a hard day, so I don't even try that line. It's just that I am addicted to it.
Since I drink late at night, I can't distract myself with, say.. a walk with the dog, or a trip to the gym.. because it's midnight. So all I have is will power, or lack of it.
I have gained about 25 pounds in the last few of years. I had always been slim, and now have a belly that looks like I'm 7 months pregnant. I wear baggy tunics. I have puffy eyes and dull skin. I think I've aged 10 years in 5. Everyone always thinks I'm much younger than I am, but now I feel that's changing. I'm looking my age and then some.
I feel like I"m successfully hiding it, but sometimes when my teenagers come home late and I've had a bottle of wine, I know they are not stupid. I struggle to not slur my words and appear normal, but I forget what they tell me. I"m filled with shame. I want to be a good example to them and don't want to squander the time I have left with them at home.
started an antidepressant in the fall that did wonders for me, and the effect on my wish to drink was almost miraculous. I had no interest in it. I stopped drinking completely for over 3 months. It was as if the antidepressant took over the role of the alcohol.. it eased my anxiety, so I didn't need the wine. I felt wonderful. But then, after the initial benefit of the medication, a few months in, it seemed to be working less, and I started thinking about wine again. I'm not supposed to mix the two, so I stopped taking the antidepressant. I replaced a successful antidepressant with a depressant again.
I am sorry to have gone on so long. I feel bad about talking about myself so much. I want to get to the point of helping others, but know I need to help myself before I can. Thank you for listening.
My husband is the only one I"ve confided in. He has tried to help me, but I have confessed relapses over and over, so it's a broken record. He's not pressuring me, but to avoid the shame of confessing again, I now just hide it. He still drinks, without a problem, so we have wine and beer in the house. He has offered to not have it here. Maybe I need to take him up on that. I don't usually drink his wine, but seeing him with a glass doesn't help.
Friends think I've quit for health reasons, and even praise me for how "good" I'm being and that they wish they could do the same. I feel like such a fraud. I don't even miss drinking in social situations now. I've gotten past that. I'm used to ordering water and seltzer in restaurants and don't embarrass myself in front of others anymore. Instead I drink alone at home, very late at night, buying wine almost daily with our groceries (only one bottle at a time, or I'd drink more).
I hide it in my car. I stay up till all hours. I fall into bed way after midnight, in effect pass out, and wake up about 4 hours later, miserable and ashamed of myself. I swear I won't do it again, and if there's any wine left I go downstairs and pour it down the drain.
During the day I swear I"ll stop, that this will be the newest new first day. I even note the date somewhere. But about dinnertime I start thinking of excuses for why it's ok to buy wine at the grocery store, and it starts all over again. I've educated myself that I know it's not a "reward", that I don't "deserve it" after a hard day, so I don't even try that line. It's just that I am addicted to it.
Since I drink late at night, I can't distract myself with, say.. a walk with the dog, or a trip to the gym.. because it's midnight. So all I have is will power, or lack of it.
I have gained about 25 pounds in the last few of years. I had always been slim, and now have a belly that looks like I'm 7 months pregnant. I wear baggy tunics. I have puffy eyes and dull skin. I think I've aged 10 years in 5. Everyone always thinks I'm much younger than I am, but now I feel that's changing. I'm looking my age and then some.
I feel like I"m successfully hiding it, but sometimes when my teenagers come home late and I've had a bottle of wine, I know they are not stupid. I struggle to not slur my words and appear normal, but I forget what they tell me. I"m filled with shame. I want to be a good example to them and don't want to squander the time I have left with them at home.
started an antidepressant in the fall that did wonders for me, and the effect on my wish to drink was almost miraculous. I had no interest in it. I stopped drinking completely for over 3 months. It was as if the antidepressant took over the role of the alcohol.. it eased my anxiety, so I didn't need the wine. I felt wonderful. But then, after the initial benefit of the medication, a few months in, it seemed to be working less, and I started thinking about wine again. I'm not supposed to mix the two, so I stopped taking the antidepressant. I replaced a successful antidepressant with a depressant again.
I am sorry to have gone on so long. I feel bad about talking about myself so much. I want to get to the point of helping others, but know I need to help myself before I can. Thank you for listening.
The recycling bottles, shame, secrets, skin, weight. It's identical.
You know and I suspect have known since before you joined in 2015 that you need to stop.
Go to sleep instead staying up all night.
Accept your husband's support. No booze in the house really helps.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
Please dont worry about posting. It is important that you have people to talk with with regarding your situation. After you help yourself, you will be able to help others. You have to build the sober path right now.
Your concerns and thoughts are all too familiar. I got really tired of doing and saying the same things over and over again. I was always and forever going to quit drinking. Its funny how it doesnt really work that way when you're in the depths of an addiction.
Today can be different. Today can be the start of a new beginning. You can tackle this issue and gain back your confidence, your health and overall goodness of life. You do not have to suffer anymore.
Make a plan. A plan to abstain and all the things that you will do to guard yourself from alcohol. Work the plan.
Maybe part of the plan could be to check into the 24 hr thread?
Your concerns and thoughts are all too familiar. I got really tired of doing and saying the same things over and over again. I was always and forever going to quit drinking. Its funny how it doesnt really work that way when you're in the depths of an addiction.
Today can be different. Today can be the start of a new beginning. You can tackle this issue and gain back your confidence, your health and overall goodness of life. You do not have to suffer anymore.
Make a plan. A plan to abstain and all the things that you will do to guard yourself from alcohol. Work the plan.
Maybe part of the plan could be to check into the 24 hr thread?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 666
I have tears in my eyes from everyone's kind words. I have felt so alone in this. It's such a relief to share finally. Thank you, thank you. I'm reading and re-reading all your suggestions and feel a glimmer of hope.
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 26
Hi tealily. Like others have said, your story rings familiar. Up until a year ago, I was drinking nightly for decades. Now, at 45, I've had 7 straight months alcohol free. I covered up the quantity that I was drinking from my friends and family. The past 7 months have been revealing and full of gifts. One resource that helped me think about alcohol in a different light was "This Naked Mind" by Annie Grace. I highly recommend you give the book a shot and see if Annie's theories help you quit.
Thanks for posting, and I hope you keep coming back.
Thanks for posting, and I hope you keep coming back.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
Hi and welcome to you, so glad to have you posting and seeking support.
Count me in the wino group. I was at a bottle a night too, then I started going for a glass here and there earlier in the day, then earlier in the day, then earlier until at the end I was drinking 3 or more bottles a day generally starting around 10 am after coming back home from the gym. I was miserable, dead inside. I am so thankful to be sober. For me, going to rehab and having a month to break the cycle and learn new strategies was crucial, I received daily psychological support in the form of group session and one on one. I don't know if you are at that stage yet, but if it is something you think might help I give it my 150% approval. It was a tough month but I legitimately liked rehab.
Something else to consider would be setting up an appointment with your doctor and asking about the various medications that can help. I always preface this by saying that there is no magic pill that takes away the fact that one is an alcoholic. However, there are medications available to help. One is antabuse, you absolutely CANNOT drink while taking this medication. It causes an extreme reaction when mixed with even a minimal amount of alcohol, even potentially resulting in something as serious as a heart attack or death. It works for people who are truly committed to sobriety but need an extra backup reason that they absolutely cannot drink. Two others are naltrexone and campral, both of these work to diminish cravings. I have taken campral and found that it drastically reduced both the frequency and intensity of cravings. I have read (through copious amounts of online research) that naltrexone works even better but it is unfortunately not prescribed for alcohol addiction where I live. That said, I would guess that it is the same with any medication that one or the other works better for certain people depending on a number of different factors. You can take antabuse in combination with either naltrexone or campral. Your doctor would be able to prescribe any of them and explain better how they work.
Lastly, if your husband has offered to help you I would encourage you to take him up on it. I too didn't want others to have to change their habits for me or feel like I was putting anyone out, but in the end I just couldn't deal. I had to make my home alcohol free. I have been able to make exceptions for a few dinners I have hosted but in truth I have cut way back on my entertaining. I feel safe and comfortable in my home knowing there is no alcohol and there are no corkscrews.
Count me in the wino group. I was at a bottle a night too, then I started going for a glass here and there earlier in the day, then earlier in the day, then earlier until at the end I was drinking 3 or more bottles a day generally starting around 10 am after coming back home from the gym. I was miserable, dead inside. I am so thankful to be sober. For me, going to rehab and having a month to break the cycle and learn new strategies was crucial, I received daily psychological support in the form of group session and one on one. I don't know if you are at that stage yet, but if it is something you think might help I give it my 150% approval. It was a tough month but I legitimately liked rehab.
Something else to consider would be setting up an appointment with your doctor and asking about the various medications that can help. I always preface this by saying that there is no magic pill that takes away the fact that one is an alcoholic. However, there are medications available to help. One is antabuse, you absolutely CANNOT drink while taking this medication. It causes an extreme reaction when mixed with even a minimal amount of alcohol, even potentially resulting in something as serious as a heart attack or death. It works for people who are truly committed to sobriety but need an extra backup reason that they absolutely cannot drink. Two others are naltrexone and campral, both of these work to diminish cravings. I have taken campral and found that it drastically reduced both the frequency and intensity of cravings. I have read (through copious amounts of online research) that naltrexone works even better but it is unfortunately not prescribed for alcohol addiction where I live. That said, I would guess that it is the same with any medication that one or the other works better for certain people depending on a number of different factors. You can take antabuse in combination with either naltrexone or campral. Your doctor would be able to prescribe any of them and explain better how they work.
Lastly, if your husband has offered to help you I would encourage you to take him up on it. I too didn't want others to have to change their habits for me or feel like I was putting anyone out, but in the end I just couldn't deal. I had to make my home alcohol free. I have been able to make exceptions for a few dinners I have hosted but in truth I have cut way back on my entertaining. I feel safe and comfortable in my home knowing there is no alcohol and there are no corkscrews.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Australia
Posts: 11,351
Hi Tealily, I was thinking of you today
how are you going?
Make sure you check in every day so we can help you out. Or just to have a chat if you feel like it.
SR is so supportive, it's perfect for your needs right now.
Enjoy your life honey, you've got a lot to live for xxx
how are you going? Make sure you check in every day so we can help you out. Or just to have a chat if you feel like it.
SR is so supportive, it's perfect for your needs right now.
Enjoy your life honey, you've got a lot to live for xxx
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 666
Thank you so much SnoozyQ for asking. I didn't drink last night. Had a horrible time getting to sleep though. I need to figure out the forums and how to join the May group. One day or a couple have never been too hard.. it's sustaining it! 
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 666
Second morning in a row with no alcohol the night before. Feeling better but having trouble sleeping. Amazing how much less bloated I feel after only two nights of being good to myself. Waking up feeling relief rather than regret. Sometimes I think I'm kidding myself that I can keep it up, but it has to start sometime, and opening up and posting here has been the one difference so far. Maybe this will be it.
I've had fleeting thoughts/cravings in late afternoon, but I've jumped right on them and told myself it's a lie and only feelings, I don't have to act on them, I can let them pass, and it's worked so far. I'm steering way clear of the alcohol aisles in the store. I've told my husband, and he has not had any alcohol in my sight the last few nights. I had been buying wine and beer for him, along with groceries, which was a huge risk, I realize. I was always tempted to get a bottle for myself too. Hoping this is a new corner turned.
I've had fleeting thoughts/cravings in late afternoon, but I've jumped right on them and told myself it's a lie and only feelings, I don't have to act on them, I can let them pass, and it's worked so far. I'm steering way clear of the alcohol aisles in the store. I've told my husband, and he has not had any alcohol in my sight the last few nights. I had been buying wine and beer for him, along with groceries, which was a huge risk, I realize. I was always tempted to get a bottle for myself too. Hoping this is a new corner turned.
Gratitude Gardener
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 278
WAY TO GO <3
Man, I always well up with tears when i watch another coming along on this path with me. The first reaching out of total sadness and desperation, the pouring on of love and support that follows, and watching the magic of yet another person climbing the ropes that the others threw down for them.
Thanks for bringing me to a place of such emotional and meaningful gratitude this morning.
This is WHY staying connected and communicating is so dearly important and transformative. Because I read your progress and your struggle, and it HELPS ME <3
We understand every in and out of this, so please, stay here through every craving, any anxieties, and any other feelings or experiences you may need to talk about.
Big CONGRATS. <3
Man, I always well up with tears when i watch another coming along on this path with me. The first reaching out of total sadness and desperation, the pouring on of love and support that follows, and watching the magic of yet another person climbing the ropes that the others threw down for them.
Thanks for bringing me to a place of such emotional and meaningful gratitude this morning.
This is WHY staying connected and communicating is so dearly important and transformative. Because I read your progress and your struggle, and it HELPS ME <3
We understand every in and out of this, so please, stay here through every craving, any anxieties, and any other feelings or experiences you may need to talk about.
Big CONGRATS. <3
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 666
Herculana and CT, wow, thanks so much. As someone else here said, I have been drinking in secret and trying to recover in secret, and, wow, what a difference it makes to not be alone. I almost didn't post, thinking why would anyone care about my measly 2-day progress? To know it gives others encouragement is even better.
Just took some vitamins and am forcing myself to drink water.. I'm terrible about that. For months on end my usual daily fluid intake has been nothing but a bottle of white wine at night and coffee in the morning and maybe a soda in the afternoon. No wonder my skin looks so bad.. and my knees hurt.. I have to be chronically dehydrated. Most mornings I can barely get out of bed, I'm so stiff. Praying that may get better.
I have a tough night ahead.. my husband is out of town, and often I use that as a free pass to drink. But there's no wine in the house, and I"m not going near the store.
Thanks again.
Just took some vitamins and am forcing myself to drink water.. I'm terrible about that. For months on end my usual daily fluid intake has been nothing but a bottle of white wine at night and coffee in the morning and maybe a soda in the afternoon. No wonder my skin looks so bad.. and my knees hurt.. I have to be chronically dehydrated. Most mornings I can barely get out of bed, I'm so stiff. Praying that may get better.
I have a tough night ahead.. my husband is out of town, and often I use that as a free pass to drink. But there's no wine in the house, and I"m not going near the store.
Thanks again.
under new management
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Calgary, Alberta
Posts: 2,339
Great to see you, tealily!
You will find we care about any amount of sober time, be it 2 hours, 2 days or 2 decades
so good for your 2 days 
The early days are kind of tough, sleep wise, etc, but it will pass.
So glad you are with us, lily
You will find we care about any amount of sober time, be it 2 hours, 2 days or 2 decades
so good for your 2 days The early days are kind of tough, sleep wise, etc, but it will pass.
So glad you are with us, lily
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 666
Day 3 and feeling hopeful. I had to go to the grocery store last night (in our area, wine and beer is sold in food stores), but steered clear of those aisles. Literally averted my eyes.
For once, at checkout, I wasn't feeling the shame of wondering if the cashiers knew me as the customer who always buys wine with her groceries, almost every day of the week. (Of course, though, I rotated my stores.)
I know I can't have lost real weight yet, but my belly is flatter and I weigh 3 fewer pounds. Cravings kicked in hard in the evening, but I took a walk and then went out to a clothing store just to browse, then spent time with my teen/young adult kids who are all home for the summer. I'm determined to savor this time with them and not waste it in a slurred blur, looking back and regretting not having been truly present with them.
Sleeping is hard (wide awake till almost 3 a.m. and had to get up early), but being tired is infinitely better than hungover, miserable and ashamed of myself, wondering if alcohol was seeping from my pores and everyone could tell I had been drinking.
Can't wait to put all of that behind me. There's no glamor in it. It's all a lie. Funny how as a drinker you can glamorize it. How elegant and lovely, to sit with a crystal glass of wine, sparkling in the sunlight. Yeah, right. More like a mug or plastic juice glass hidden behind a pile of laundry. When I have felt wistful for the idea of a glass of wine at a restaurant, and how cheated I feel to not be able to have it, I try to tell myself that a smoker would say the same about a cigarette.. how much they wished they could light up and smoke after the meal, and how deprived they were to not have it. Since I've never been a smoker, that makes no sense to me: It sounds ridiculous. I am trying to tell myself that when I feel "deprived" .. that it's just as irrational.
Thanks to everyone here for letting me pour this out! I've had so many attempts in the past that don't last, but this one feels different.
Praying it is.
For once, at checkout, I wasn't feeling the shame of wondering if the cashiers knew me as the customer who always buys wine with her groceries, almost every day of the week. (Of course, though, I rotated my stores.)
I know I can't have lost real weight yet, but my belly is flatter and I weigh 3 fewer pounds. Cravings kicked in hard in the evening, but I took a walk and then went out to a clothing store just to browse, then spent time with my teen/young adult kids who are all home for the summer. I'm determined to savor this time with them and not waste it in a slurred blur, looking back and regretting not having been truly present with them.
Sleeping is hard (wide awake till almost 3 a.m. and had to get up early), but being tired is infinitely better than hungover, miserable and ashamed of myself, wondering if alcohol was seeping from my pores and everyone could tell I had been drinking.
Can't wait to put all of that behind me. There's no glamor in it. It's all a lie. Funny how as a drinker you can glamorize it. How elegant and lovely, to sit with a crystal glass of wine, sparkling in the sunlight. Yeah, right. More like a mug or plastic juice glass hidden behind a pile of laundry. When I have felt wistful for the idea of a glass of wine at a restaurant, and how cheated I feel to not be able to have it, I try to tell myself that a smoker would say the same about a cigarette.. how much they wished they could light up and smoke after the meal, and how deprived they were to not have it. Since I've never been a smoker, that makes no sense to me: It sounds ridiculous. I am trying to tell myself that when I feel "deprived" .. that it's just as irrational.
Thanks to everyone here for letting me pour this out! I've had so many attempts in the past that don't last, but this one feels different.
Praying it is.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
I'm glad you're doing well, Tealily.
Like you, I was a closet drinker and went to great lengths to hide my drinking from my family and friends. It was exhausting work and such a relief to stop drinking. Going for a walk in the evenings is a great idea!
Like you, I was a closet drinker and went to great lengths to hide my drinking from my family and friends. It was exhausting work and such a relief to stop drinking. Going for a walk in the evenings is a great idea!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 35
hi Tealily! I'm on day four, so we're doing this together. :-) Your cigarette analogy really resonates with me so I think I'm going to use that. I'm battling extreme fatigue which I'm now thinking might have more to do with depression. I'm still wresting with lower back pain which isn't helping the situation any. But I hope to be back on my feet today or tomorrow so I can start my strength training which is the long term solution to curing my back problems from what I'm told. So I'm looking forward to that. And continuing not to drink. :-) I can also relate to buying the wine with the groceries and switching stores. It helps me realize how pathetic it really was. So thank you for sharing.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 86
Dear tealily,
Your life sounds so similar to mine, minus the kids. I am in the Class of May 2017 and it's Day 3 for me. I too have been lurking around you can even see I set up my profile four years ago. Off and on, the "drinking thinking" has won but not anymore. Please hang in there and together we will become all we were meant to be!! God Bless You! Sending peace, love and harmony. xo
Your life sounds so similar to mine, minus the kids. I am in the Class of May 2017 and it's Day 3 for me. I too have been lurking around you can even see I set up my profile four years ago. Off and on, the "drinking thinking" has won but not anymore. Please hang in there and together we will become all we were meant to be!! God Bless You! Sending peace, love and harmony. xo
Gratitude Gardener
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 278
I am in your pocket Tealily.
We are all in your pocket, and YOU ARE DOING THIS... and you are showing so much determination and strength.
Don't allow yourself to OVER DO anything these next two weeks. I am trying to make myself lay LOW. Only doing what I can do without too much pressure or stress, Managing my wily emotional states is quite enough on my plate.
BIG HUGS <3
We are all in your pocket, and YOU ARE DOING THIS... and you are showing so much determination and strength.
Don't allow yourself to OVER DO anything these next two weeks. I am trying to make myself lay LOW. Only doing what I can do without too much pressure or stress, Managing my wily emotional states is quite enough on my plate.
BIG HUGS <3
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