Ellie323

Hi folks, I have some good friends that want to come by and visit later today. I do NOT want to get into my personal demons and issues with them inr regards to my drinking. The wife likes her wine as much as I do. I want to be ready with a really good reason why I am not going to drink today when they come over. I was thinking about saying I'm on a diet or I have an early appointment. I wondered if anyone in this great group had some really good excuses as to why they don't want a drink. I have socialized with them before and not drank, so it isn't out of the question for me not to partake, I just don't want a situation where she starts saying "oh have one, come on...". I was thinking a good arsenal of reasons why I am not drinking would be a good idea anyway.

LumenandNyx

Why not just say, "I'm not drinking right now."?

The reason(s) why are none of anyone's business.

PS. Good friends don't try to persuade someone to drink when they've already declined.

biminiblue

Yeah, you don't owe anyone an explanation.

I agree with Lumen. If they try to persuade you that's their problem.

I tend to just say, "Oh, no thanks."

If they persist, I'll look them right in the eye and with no smile say, "No. Thanks."

If they say something a third time or start asking questions (which has only happened a couple times) I say, "Why does it bother you??" To date, no one has given me an answer to that!


With that said, my family continued to offer me drinks for 10 years after I told them I was an alcoholic and for 10 years I continued to say, "No thanks," with no further explanation. They had no clue. They didn't press it, just kept offering in that Southern Hospitality way; my belief is that it was more habit on their part than anything else. Offering people food and drink, that's what you do. It's polite. I didn't make a big deal of it any more than I would make a big deal about refusing okra, which my mother tried on me repeatedly too.

Anna

.I don't recommend lying because, personally, I lied when I was drinking, and I wanted to change the way I lived.

You don't owe anyone an explanation as to why you're not drinking. 'No thanks' is always appropriate. For me, making my home a safe place, alcohol free, was also really important and helped with my anxiety level. I don't serve alcohol in my home.

nez

"Because I don't want to." works for me. Completely honest and straight to the point.
If they get pushy, "I see nothing wrong with not drinking."
If they get more pushy, "I don't need to."
In 17 years of recovery, I haven't had to use the second or third reply because most people don't care about my drinking or my not drinking anywhere near as much as I think they do.

doggonecarl

"Good" friends and you don't want to be honest with them. Okay? So you don't want to tell them you've quit drinking.

Leaving the door open to maybe returning to drinking???

Fallow

I simply use 'I'm not drinking today'.
I don't talk about the past (why) or what might happen in the future.

Gabe1980

Just say you are not in the mood. It's pretty honest, you are not in the mood to ruin your sobriety xxx

Ellie323

I have spent years explaining myself to people and apologizing for who I am. I just don't feel like getting into all that today with anyone. I'm sure just declining will be fine, as I said before I just want to be prepared if the situation arises. I don't feel the need to scream from the rooftops right now that I'm not drinking anymore. It is not that I'm "leaving the door open to drinking again", I'm just figuring things out the best way I can.

Gabe1980

You don't have to explain yourself and if the time comes that you want to, then you'll know the right things to say. Just go with your instincts. You are doing a great job in making positive decisions in moving forward and planning for these things is important. You have the right to your privacy, we all do. I hope you enjoy your time with your friends.

biminiblue

This is (or was) a problem for a lot of us.

That's where personal healthy boundaries come in and it does take doing it to understand how it works.

One of the problems with alcohol is that it lowers healthy boundaries between people. Most people don't have problems saying, "No," to things that they don't like or don't want to do. I think many of us were raised to go-along. Get along, don't cause problems, don't make waves, be nice, etc. etc., especially if you're female or were raised mostly by people with weak boundaries in general or if you're naturally conflict-avoidant.

Yeah, that really doesn't work. People will walk all over those weak boundaries. If I know who and what I am, and I'm not messing with that by adding a dis-inhibiting substance, then saying no - Means No. Try it. "No, thanks." No explanation. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised how well it works.

Resurgence

Hey Ellie,

You don't need discuss your personal demons with them, but you might need to face those demons head-on and cut your ties with alcohol for good.

Rooting for you!

aasharon90

With the state of uncertainly in our country right now,
practicing safety in groups, distancing, wearing mask,
preventing the spread of this deadly virus......

For me, i wouldnt have anyone and I mean no one
to come to my home.

There have been so much talk about clubs and bars
where folks gather in numbers, adding alcohol or drugs
to the mix and .....in todays time, is a dangerous combination.

Folks begin to turn up sick with the virus because of
being irresponsible in their choices and actions.

Folks that gather together whether it be friends or family
outside the family unit, are likely to be carrying the virus
and not even know it.

So, for myself with almost 30 yrs sobriety and living my
life incorporating a continuous program of recovery i was
taught and learned over the yrs. and practicing responsibility,
willingness and honesty in my daily life.....

Then I can tell friends and family that I am not accepting
visitors now or in the future until it is safe and the ban has
been lifted for us to gather safely again.

In the meantime, learn all that you can about addiction
and some kind of recovery program to help put your
addiction to rest for good and achieve health and happiness
for yrs to come.

Noam19

I've used the "I have to get up early" before. Lately what seems to work and people don't push back on is "You know, it just doesn't sound good to me tonight."

MaximusD

How did this go? There are multitudes of reasons other than I have a problem. I still maintain that most don't really care.

RecklessDrunk

I think most of the bad scenarios only happen in our vision of what will happen.

Alcohol is mostly just a really big deal in the minds of alcoholics, most people don't give it too much thought. Not like us. Most people aren't concerned with what you are drinking.

Meraviglioso

Everyone has made great points. That said sometimes people need practical solutions to various situations.
While I agree that we should be as honest as we can it is not always a path we want to take.

I have various reasons I give depending on the people and the circumstances. So really close friends I will tel the truth, other friends I might say something different, business contacts or other moms from my children's school I will say something else.

A few reasons you could think about and use if needed:

I am doing a cleanse
I am trying to get healthier
I have a big day tomorrow, I need to be sharp
I am taking a medication of which alcohol interferes with
I don't feel so well today
I have a meeting later

PalmerSage

I understand what you're saying. Especially when I first stopped drinking, I felt like it was "a thing" that people would notice and I wasn't ready to deal with that yet. Later on, I was (am) able to say, "thanks, but I'm good!" with a smile, which actually does work well - but my favorite was always, "actually, I'm going to have a (coffee, Diet Coke) believe it or not! I need the caffeine today, I'm so tired."