Wine drinking woman, desperate to stop
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 45
Tealily - I'm so happy for you! I can't wait to have even just five days. My story is somewhat similar but I have no family of my own which makes it even easier to drink anytime. Even with my living situation I used to drink wine out of coffee cups in the morning or afternoon in case the neighbors or my housemate saw me. So foolish. The local liquor store people knew everything about me. They are probably wondering where I've been (ha). Wine is definitely my poison! Your postings give me hope as to what is to come for me.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: UK
Posts: 469
Hi Guys, Guess what another wine drinker here. I have cut back and its not daily anymore however on the evenings I do drink its is normally 1-2 bottles a few times a week. My story is a bit of a long one so bear with me. I started drinking heavy towards the end of my marriage 6 years go. I never felt good enough for my ex's family and he was a proper mothers boy. Anyway the alcohol split us up but I now realise that was the right thing to do as I was not happy.
I went a bit nuts after we split up and suffered with bad depression. One day my kids were at my house and after drinking I took the kids over to my neighbours/friend house and told her that I could not cope and said I needed space and walked off. I returned later with police looking for me.
Ever since this incident my boy who is now 14 has never stayed with me and I only see him when I drop my daughter off or pick her up. I think I scared him and he has always been a Daddy's boy.
My daughter who is now 10 hates me drinking and even though I haven't drunk much with her around I have to do it sneakily and she hates it so much. She has found me out and a few occasions and goes back to her Dads.
My alcohol intake has been cut back considerably from years ago. I do drink wine when I am on my own at times but last Thursday when my daughter was in bed I poured myself a glass. Unfortunately I did not hear her coming down the stairs and she caught me. She went hysterical and rang her Dad - she could not speak so I told him the truth and said I have had a small drink of wine and she is not happy. He said I'll be over now.
He is currently in a new relationship of a year. I don't think I like her very much. She has no children of her own and I feel she is trying to mother my children too much. She had the gall to ask me to look after my own child while she had her hair done and my ex was in work. It goes without saying that I should be looking after my daughter when he is in work not her. She then thanked me for looking after my daughter. Then there was another conversation between her and my daughter when the new partner says to her 'Make sure your Mum washes your hair before you come over.' What right does she have to say that. Of course I was going to do this - it was a Sunday night - the evening before a school day. It has become more of a regular thing with her dropping off and picking up my daughter.
Anyway last Thursday the ex did not come and pick my daughter up - She did which surprised me because surely if your daughter is upset you would want to pick her up yourself. She then said you are not taking 'daughter' to school tomorrow and stopped me from speaking to her so I could calm her down.
She then sped off - me being infuriated jumped into the car and followed her over to the ex's house as I wanted to speak with my daughter. As my daughter got out of the car I shouted to her to ask her if she was ok and that I was sorry. I took a step towards her (at this time I was no way near her) and the new partner stood in my way and pushed me to the side. I lost my balance but swung for her in case she was going to do something else to me (self defence) at this point the ex came out and she shouted 'Call the police.' She went into the house and he asked me to leave - I advised hi I only wanted to check If the daughter was ok and then I left.
About 40 mins later there was a knock on the door It was the police who had a complaint from the current partner saying that I had assaulted her and that I was drink driving. Breathalysed and I passed as I hadn't had much. Was arrested for assault on her. No marks so just a minor common assault. Was interviewed later on and there was no proof so was released.
I am furious as this is not what had happened and I was getting punished for it. Yes I admit I was wrong to have the glass of wine when my daughter was in the house and I will regret that for the rest of my life.
I have been off work for 5 weeks with depression and anxiety and this incident has made me worse. My daughter who is 11 on Sunday has refused to speak to me or come to see me.
I am at my wits end because I know I am being bad-mouthed by the ex family and I have had no opportunity to advise my daughter of what really happened.
Yesterday I had a bad day and cried all day as I am missing her so much.
Today I have several visits from family and friends who are in support of me so felt a little better.
I have not drunk since Thursday so I am currently on Day 5. I did also attend an AA meeting on Sunday
I just don't know how I can prove myself to my daughter if I do not get the opportunity. If I knew it was just gong to be a 2 week break I could cope - its the not knowing that is killing me.
Apart from the odd glass of wine - I consider myself a very good Mum - in fact I probably spoil my daughter too much. I am feeling pushed out though.
I am single and get lonely
Sorry for the long post but if you have read this far then thank you XXXX
I went a bit nuts after we split up and suffered with bad depression. One day my kids were at my house and after drinking I took the kids over to my neighbours/friend house and told her that I could not cope and said I needed space and walked off. I returned later with police looking for me.
Ever since this incident my boy who is now 14 has never stayed with me and I only see him when I drop my daughter off or pick her up. I think I scared him and he has always been a Daddy's boy.
My daughter who is now 10 hates me drinking and even though I haven't drunk much with her around I have to do it sneakily and she hates it so much. She has found me out and a few occasions and goes back to her Dads.
My alcohol intake has been cut back considerably from years ago. I do drink wine when I am on my own at times but last Thursday when my daughter was in bed I poured myself a glass. Unfortunately I did not hear her coming down the stairs and she caught me. She went hysterical and rang her Dad - she could not speak so I told him the truth and said I have had a small drink of wine and she is not happy. He said I'll be over now.
He is currently in a new relationship of a year. I don't think I like her very much. She has no children of her own and I feel she is trying to mother my children too much. She had the gall to ask me to look after my own child while she had her hair done and my ex was in work. It goes without saying that I should be looking after my daughter when he is in work not her. She then thanked me for looking after my daughter. Then there was another conversation between her and my daughter when the new partner says to her 'Make sure your Mum washes your hair before you come over.' What right does she have to say that. Of course I was going to do this - it was a Sunday night - the evening before a school day. It has become more of a regular thing with her dropping off and picking up my daughter.
Anyway last Thursday the ex did not come and pick my daughter up - She did which surprised me because surely if your daughter is upset you would want to pick her up yourself. She then said you are not taking 'daughter' to school tomorrow and stopped me from speaking to her so I could calm her down.
She then sped off - me being infuriated jumped into the car and followed her over to the ex's house as I wanted to speak with my daughter. As my daughter got out of the car I shouted to her to ask her if she was ok and that I was sorry. I took a step towards her (at this time I was no way near her) and the new partner stood in my way and pushed me to the side. I lost my balance but swung for her in case she was going to do something else to me (self defence) at this point the ex came out and she shouted 'Call the police.' She went into the house and he asked me to leave - I advised hi I only wanted to check If the daughter was ok and then I left.
About 40 mins later there was a knock on the door It was the police who had a complaint from the current partner saying that I had assaulted her and that I was drink driving. Breathalysed and I passed as I hadn't had much. Was arrested for assault on her. No marks so just a minor common assault. Was interviewed later on and there was no proof so was released.
I am furious as this is not what had happened and I was getting punished for it. Yes I admit I was wrong to have the glass of wine when my daughter was in the house and I will regret that for the rest of my life.
I have been off work for 5 weeks with depression and anxiety and this incident has made me worse. My daughter who is 11 on Sunday has refused to speak to me or come to see me.
I am at my wits end because I know I am being bad-mouthed by the ex family and I have had no opportunity to advise my daughter of what really happened.
Yesterday I had a bad day and cried all day as I am missing her so much.
Today I have several visits from family and friends who are in support of me so felt a little better.
I have not drunk since Thursday so I am currently on Day 5. I did also attend an AA meeting on Sunday
I just don't know how I can prove myself to my daughter if I do not get the opportunity. If I knew it was just gong to be a 2 week break I could cope - its the not knowing that is killing me.
Apart from the odd glass of wine - I consider myself a very good Mum - in fact I probably spoil my daughter too much. I am feeling pushed out though.
I am single and get lonely
Sorry for the long post but if you have read this far then thank you XXXX
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 666
Hi Susiegirl,
I'm sorry you've been going through such a hard time with your ex and the heartache about being separated from your daughter. It sounds like a really difficult situation.
Do you think you're at the point where you're ready to cut out wine entirely? I know that stopping has already brought many positive changes for me. A big part of the reason I quit was that I wanted to be a more engaged, connected and healthier mom for my kids.
I wonder if people aren't seeing your post because it's at the bottom of this older thread that they think they've seen before! You might want to copy and paste and create a separate thread with a new title, so that others can see your story and try to help.
I'm still pretty new here, but this place is full of smart, experienced people who know what it takes to quit drinking and build a better life.
I hope you get things sorted out and can see your daughter soon.
I'm sorry you've been going through such a hard time with your ex and the heartache about being separated from your daughter. It sounds like a really difficult situation.
Do you think you're at the point where you're ready to cut out wine entirely? I know that stopping has already brought many positive changes for me. A big part of the reason I quit was that I wanted to be a more engaged, connected and healthier mom for my kids.
I wonder if people aren't seeing your post because it's at the bottom of this older thread that they think they've seen before! You might want to copy and paste and create a separate thread with a new title, so that others can see your story and try to help.
I'm still pretty new here, but this place is full of smart, experienced people who know what it takes to quit drinking and build a better life.
I hope you get things sorted out and can see your daughter soon.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 666
Another update: I'm at 5 weeks plus now and I'm doing better.
I've lost about 5 pounds and have been sleeping well and able to get up early! I was able to navigate a weeklong trip to visit friends and family where alcohol was offered at almost every turn (they are used to me drinking wine). No one asked me why I turned it down. I just kept drinking only seltzer.
It was difficult in that I was acutely aware of saying no, and continuing to say no, but I did it. I'm looking forward to when it won't be a constant, elaborate mental conversation with myself. ("Oh, look, I'm declining wine. I'm drinking seltzer. Oh, look, I'm not touching that open bottle of wine while I refill my seltzer glass. Hey, look over there: it's a wine shop. I usually would've stopped in there for wine to take back to the hotel; I'm not going in this time. I'm buying a six-pack of high end water instead.") Does anyone know when that kind of intense preoccupation starts to ease?
I also still have these crazy cravings/thoughts at bizarre times of day. They are like an assault. But I've been pushing through and trying to recognize them for what they are: a sort of automatic brain trick that I need to de-program.
I was able to wake up on our vacation days feeling healthy. We have another family getaway soon, and usually I never make the morning runs for breakfast (having to sleep off the bottle of wine I sneaked the night before). This time I'll be able to join everyone. I have a day counter on my phone that also tells me I've saved almost $400 not buying wine! Wow.
Just thought I'd let everyone who is struggling know ... it is possible! Just keep going.
I've lost about 5 pounds and have been sleeping well and able to get up early! I was able to navigate a weeklong trip to visit friends and family where alcohol was offered at almost every turn (they are used to me drinking wine). No one asked me why I turned it down. I just kept drinking only seltzer.
It was difficult in that I was acutely aware of saying no, and continuing to say no, but I did it. I'm looking forward to when it won't be a constant, elaborate mental conversation with myself. ("Oh, look, I'm declining wine. I'm drinking seltzer. Oh, look, I'm not touching that open bottle of wine while I refill my seltzer glass. Hey, look over there: it's a wine shop. I usually would've stopped in there for wine to take back to the hotel; I'm not going in this time. I'm buying a six-pack of high end water instead.") Does anyone know when that kind of intense preoccupation starts to ease?
I also still have these crazy cravings/thoughts at bizarre times of day. They are like an assault. But I've been pushing through and trying to recognize them for what they are: a sort of automatic brain trick that I need to de-program.
I was able to wake up on our vacation days feeling healthy. We have another family getaway soon, and usually I never make the morning runs for breakfast (having to sleep off the bottle of wine I sneaked the night before). This time I'll be able to join everyone. I have a day counter on my phone that also tells me I've saved almost $400 not buying wine! Wow.
Just thought I'd let everyone who is struggling know ... it is possible! Just keep going.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: Santa Barbara, CA
Posts: 44
Tealily - I am so grateful I found your thread. I just can't even tell you how much I relate. I relate so much that it's shaken me up a little bit. Good job on the 5 weeks - great job on the vacation!!! Thanks for posting and giving me hope.
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 666
Just an update for my original thread, to bump it for those who may be helped by it.
I'm now at 47 days and just got through a summer vacation and beach trip with no drinking. Feel grateful instead of deprived. I was able to experience not drinking as a gift and blessing .. a way to enjoy the time with family with no regrets and be fully present. I woke up each day of the vacation feeling refreshed and ready to go.
As an added bonus and ego boost ... especially for a mom of teenagers and as a woman in my 50s, no less.. I counted three or four times where I was checked out and even asked out! Hahaha no thanks, but I'll tell you, that hasn't happened in a looong time! I know it's because not drinking has already led to huge changes.
I have lost weight, lost bloat.. my skin and hair and eyes are healthier and brighter. I have more energy and feel 5 years younger. (Can't wait to see what a few more months will do.)
Maybe being so upbeat is annoying to others.. I hope not.. but believe me, I have gone through years of misery and self-loathing trying and trying to quit, trying to get off the drinking treadmill, as one of you here so brilliantly called it, and I'm just so relieved and thankful to finally be making progress.
Thanks for all the support here.
I'm now at 47 days and just got through a summer vacation and beach trip with no drinking. Feel grateful instead of deprived. I was able to experience not drinking as a gift and blessing .. a way to enjoy the time with family with no regrets and be fully present. I woke up each day of the vacation feeling refreshed and ready to go.
As an added bonus and ego boost ... especially for a mom of teenagers and as a woman in my 50s, no less.. I counted three or four times where I was checked out and even asked out! Hahaha no thanks, but I'll tell you, that hasn't happened in a looong time! I know it's because not drinking has already led to huge changes.
I have lost weight, lost bloat.. my skin and hair and eyes are healthier and brighter. I have more energy and feel 5 years younger. (Can't wait to see what a few more months will do.)
Maybe being so upbeat is annoying to others.. I hope not.. but believe me, I have gone through years of misery and self-loathing trying and trying to quit, trying to get off the drinking treadmill, as one of you here so brilliantly called it, and I'm just so relieved and thankful to finally be making progress.
Thanks for all the support here.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 54
Thank you, Tealily, for sharing your story, and congratulations on your progress! I must confess, I myself am working on cutting my ties to wine (my poison was the bubbly kind); I think for so long, I kept telling myself that I didn't have a problem with alcohol because I was just having some bubblies. But the "some" was more like an entire bottle and a bit more at times.
As a mom, I am moved by your honesty, particularly in your discussions of your children. Thank you again for sharing your story, through which I have derived an immense sense of comfort and hope.
As a mom, I am moved by your honesty, particularly in your discussions of your children. Thank you again for sharing your story, through which I have derived an immense sense of comfort and hope.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 666
Althea and Petals, thank you for your words and encouragement! I now have 54 days alcohol free (and $540 saved because of my -- at least -- $10 daily bottle of wine).
I put up a separate post the other day where I told about finding myself giggling and laughing out loud, something I realized I hadn't done in years. It's like a cloud is lifting, and the old me is coming back.
Upsettingly still, though, despite all the positives I see and feel daily from not drinking, I find myself thinking almost daily at some random time about having wine. It's like an assault. I know from reading here it's the AV. It's crazy that you can have an "outside" voice in your own head. I know I need to just give it more time and that it's "just" a thought.
I'm proud of myself and feel so much better physically and emotionally! Sleep is incredible. I'm enjoying mornings. I've lost 5 pounds, I'm not snoring (ever) anymore, my eyes and skin are clear and brighter, my joints are less swollen, my GI issues are gone, and, like the other day, I'm even finding myself laughing out loud. I'm enjoying every minute with family while my older kids are home this summer. They are loving seeing the "old" me.
To anyone reading this, if I could do it, you can too!
I put up a separate post the other day where I told about finding myself giggling and laughing out loud, something I realized I hadn't done in years. It's like a cloud is lifting, and the old me is coming back.
Upsettingly still, though, despite all the positives I see and feel daily from not drinking, I find myself thinking almost daily at some random time about having wine. It's like an assault. I know from reading here it's the AV. It's crazy that you can have an "outside" voice in your own head. I know I need to just give it more time and that it's "just" a thought.
I'm proud of myself and feel so much better physically and emotionally! Sleep is incredible. I'm enjoying mornings. I've lost 5 pounds, I'm not snoring (ever) anymore, my eyes and skin are clear and brighter, my joints are less swollen, my GI issues are gone, and, like the other day, I'm even finding myself laughing out loud. I'm enjoying every minute with family while my older kids are home this summer. They are loving seeing the "old" me.
To anyone reading this, if I could do it, you can too!
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Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Kansas City, MO
Posts: 1,121
Hi tealily, I'm so glad that you have been keeping this post active, as I didn't see it until this morning. Substitute the word 'beer' for 'wine' and you have summarized my drinking life perfectly. I'm in my 50s as well, but became acquainted with drinking much earlier, as my family owned a tavern, and I was happy to sample the inventory in my teenage years. Somehow managed a 30+ year love/hate relationship with alcohol while "functioning" as a father, employee, coach, etc. But always hating myself, and hating the grip that this disease had on me. I can't look back now, dwelling on the potential that I drank away. All I can do is look forward and live my remaining days being the best version of myself that I can be. I look forward to reading about your progress, and you are an inspiration.
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 666
Originally Posted by ClearPath64 
Hi tealily, I'm so glad that you have been keeping this post active, as I didn't see it until this morning. Substitute the word 'beer' for 'wine' and you have summarized my drinking life perfectly. I'm in my 50s as well, but became acquainted with drinking much earlier, as my family owned a tavern, and I was happy to sample the inventory in my teenage years. Somehow managed a 30+ year love/hate relationship with alcohol while "functioning" as a father, employee, coach, etc. But always hating myself, and hating the grip that this disease had on me. I can't look back now, dwelling on the potential that I drank away. All I can do is look forward and live my remaining days being the best version of myself that I can be. I look forward to reading about your progress, and you are an inspiration.
You are absolutely right that all you can do is move forward. At this point in my life I want to make the most of the years left, and I have to say that stopping drinking has made me feel younger already. Life can be so much better.
Have you stopped drinking yet?
Hope to see you around here!
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Toronto, ON
Posts: 518
Tealily: 54 days is awesome! Keep it up, and just so you have some extra amo on your AV, i found the first summer sober was the hardest, as this is when I taught myself to associate drinking with positive outdoor gatherings.
This is my second summer now, and it is much much easier. I am once again able to enjoy all those social gatherings, though i still decline if im not up to it.
I dont have those mini AV moments as frequently, maybe once a week, but it does seem more powerful in the summer.
Expect for your first year to be in that mental battle periodically. Dont give in. For me, and i think it took longer than most but my moment of enlightenment, and realization that all of the struggle to stay sober was soooooooo worth it came around the 18 month mark.
My god... what a glorious feeling.. when it comes, it feels like nothing else you can imagine.
Imahine you are an anthropologist: tediously brushing off sand of dinosaur bones scouring the desert for more. Then one day, you not only find a new fossil but an intact new species. Imagine that excitement.
This is my second summer now, and it is much much easier. I am once again able to enjoy all those social gatherings, though i still decline if im not up to it.
I dont have those mini AV moments as frequently, maybe once a week, but it does seem more powerful in the summer.
Expect for your first year to be in that mental battle periodically. Dont give in. For me, and i think it took longer than most but my moment of enlightenment, and realization that all of the struggle to stay sober was soooooooo worth it came around the 18 month mark.
My god... what a glorious feeling.. when it comes, it feels like nothing else you can imagine.
Imahine you are an anthropologist: tediously brushing off sand of dinosaur bones scouring the desert for more. Then one day, you not only find a new fossil but an intact new species. Imagine that excitement.
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 666
Originally Posted by JoeCree
Tealily: 54 days is awesome! Keep it up, and just so you have some extra amo on your AV, i found the first summer sober was the hardest, as this is when I taught myself to associate drinking with positive outdoor gatherings.
This is my second summer now, and it is much much easier. I am once again able to enjoy all those social gatherings, though i still decline if im not up to it.
I dont have those mini AV moments as frequently, maybe once a week, but it does seem more powerful in the summer.
Expect for your first year to be in that mental battle periodically. Dont give in. For me, and i think it took longer than most but my moment of enlightenment, and realization that all of the struggle to stay sober was soooooooo worth it came around the 18 month mark.
My god... what a glorious feeling.. when it comes, it feels like nothing else you can imagine.
Imahine you are an anthropologist: tediously brushing off sand of dinosaur bones scouring the desert for more. Then one day, you not only find a new fossil but an intact new species. Imagine that excitement.
This is my second summer now, and it is much much easier. I am once again able to enjoy all those social gatherings, though i still decline if im not up to it.
I dont have those mini AV moments as frequently, maybe once a week, but it does seem more powerful in the summer.
Expect for your first year to be in that mental battle periodically. Dont give in. For me, and i think it took longer than most but my moment of enlightenment, and realization that all of the struggle to stay sober was soooooooo worth it came around the 18 month mark.
My god... what a glorious feeling.. when it comes, it feels like nothing else you can imagine.
Imahine you are an anthropologist: tediously brushing off sand of dinosaur bones scouring the desert for more. Then one day, you not only find a new fossil but an intact new species. Imagine that excitement.
Love your imagery/analogy of self-discovery, too! It does take patience as well as work.
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 666
Sometimes I feel I'm posting here too much, and here I am updating and bumping this thread again. I hope it's not annoying.
But SR is my main/only support. Hearing everyone's stories and struggles, being encouraged by your progress, and trying to help others has made a huge difference for me. I'm a writer and editor, so words are my ammunition, in effect, in this battle. It helps me simply to put it in words.
I am now at over 2 months alcohol free. 63 days. I feel SO much better. We had an emotional family crisis recently (nothing to do with drinking). It was a nightmare, but we got through it, and if I had been drinking, it would've been infinitely worse. Several people in my extended family have developed serious health challenges now, too. I don't know how I could be helping them if I were still drinking a bottle of wine plus a night, barely able to function till midafternoon.
I don't feel deprived. I am not "gutting it out". I'm more at a point of acceptance, and that is so much easier.
Hope this helps someone.
But SR is my main/only support. Hearing everyone's stories and struggles, being encouraged by your progress, and trying to help others has made a huge difference for me. I'm a writer and editor, so words are my ammunition, in effect, in this battle. It helps me simply to put it in words.
I am now at over 2 months alcohol free. 63 days. I feel SO much better. We had an emotional family crisis recently (nothing to do with drinking). It was a nightmare, but we got through it, and if I had been drinking, it would've been infinitely worse. Several people in my extended family have developed serious health challenges now, too. I don't know how I could be helping them if I were still drinking a bottle of wine plus a night, barely able to function till midafternoon.
I don't feel deprived. I am not "gutting it out". I'm more at a point of acceptance, and that is so much easier.
Hope this helps someone.
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