Help!I'm Living with an Alcoholic bf

Old 04-29-2017, 11:09 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Join Date: Apr 2017
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Hi all, I don't have anyone to talk/vent out these things except here. So my apologies ahead for writing a long post or if my typo annoys you (typing from my phone)

Just tonight another episode arised. 2 nights to this week I had to go with him to a cousins bday party and and impromptu drinks with his other cousins 2 days after. With the impromptu drinks I had an urgent meeting that required my attention which lasted for 3 hours because of he intricqcy of the deal. Now thats when I started being silent to him.

He got bored because it was taking me too long to wrap up my meeting (I asked him to come with me for support) with a possible buyer for my dads business. So he went out, had dinner to himself and nagged me for taking too long because we have an agreed time to be with his cousins for a 9pm drinking spree. Which I actually exited 15mins past 9. Prior to that when we went to his cousins bday, after the happy hours he started being angry drunk on me again. We had a flat tire so we had it fixed at a nearby gas station. While he was checking the tires with the gas boy beside him he suddenly told me on a loud voice (which the gas boy heard) saying "make sure you are not flirting with other men huh! The thought of it makes me angry". And you know what Ive been commited to this relationship and I felt embarrassed because I know the gas boy heard him.

Now tonight, We did a few errands and got into another argument. he's been calling me names that I dont even say to him its hurtful and he doesnt seem to acknowledge that what hes doing is wrong. So tonight I blew up in the car and suddenly yelled (moderate high voice with a bot of irkness) and it started with another fight. i retaliated and called him names so he will undersrand how it feels like to be treated as such so he blurted out that we are done. Out of my anger I said yes. So he packed his stuff at my place since he claims that he no longer respects me and that it will only be worse.

So I let him and he's somewhere God knows where! Ive been devoted and commited to him so Im boggled at that thought that he says he no longer respects me. And that I yelled and called him names back that he took it us disrespectful.

Im hurt eith his decidion but I also know its the right thing to do given his behavior. i have female kids with me and as much as possible I dont want them to think that settling for a drunkard in life is ok. So I let him leave. But I cant deny the fact that Im hurt, disappointed, and borken hearted. This is what I msged him earlier.....

"All the while I thought it was just a clash of ideals. In the end you, it became clear to me that you choose alcohol over the relationship that we built. It was never about respect, you simply wanted to cling to your habits."

.....and his response....

If thats what see it let it be. Thank you for having me there. Im sorry for every hurt i caused. Lets just move on. We will just hurt each other more if we stay together. Ill try to re establish a life again

Can anyome pls give me a sense of what he said? I get it he wants out. But knowing him, hes wanting out because he chose alcohol over gettingn better. Its painful and Im struggling to let him back if he ask so I can have him on theraphy or I'll just completely walk out no matter how painful it is.

Pls give me your guidance. I know I can dwal with the pain. Im just struggling to understand why he suddenly walks out the door that easily
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Old 04-29-2017, 01:59 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Singlemum, that man hasn't had any respect for you unless you give him what he wants( even then it isn't respect)- hes a selfish,self centered little child. you have been his hostage. he has been setting a ransom, you meet the ransom, and he sets a new one.

"Can anyome pls give me a sense of what he said? "
it reads like he has said you are finally free of him.

sobermom, are you aware that what you type reads with a whole lot of codependency on your part?

"I know it’s not my responsibility to fix him, but I don’t want to see him waste his years with his stupid drinking habits. '

youre not responsible and you don't have to see him waste his years. you let him leave, then you can start working on you and finding out why you would allow yourself to get into a relationship like this.

there is a completely awesome friends and family of alcoholics forum here. theres a lot of stickies at the top of that forum. lots of excellent reading. theres a LOT of excellent people over there that have been in your shoes.
I highly suggest visiting that forum, do some reading, and even start a thread to get some feedback from those folks.
hopefully this thread could be moved over there as it seems it would be a more appropriate place. youd get more feedback from people that have been in your shoes.

you didn't cause it
you cant control it
you cant cure it.
you AND your children deserve better

" Im just struggling to understand why he suddenly walks out the door that easily "
just my opinion, but its because hes a selfish,selfcentered alcoholic that wants an enabler. you became a threat to his drinking.
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Old 04-29-2017, 06:35 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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My advice would be to let him go, and do not take him back under any circumstances. You are not responsible for him. You and your children deserve so much better. Check out the friends and family forum and perhaps check out an al anon meeting.
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Old 04-29-2017, 07:04 PM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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Whatever you decide please take care of yourself and your children first. You are not responsible for this man.
Empower yourself.
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Old 04-29-2017, 07:20 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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block then delete his number and email address. Pray for him and thank god he left on his terms. He knows how to manipulate you and it shows by the pain it's causing you. No person should have that power over you and vice versa. A healthy loving relationship is about doing for one another without expectations. Good luck and many prayers.
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Old 06-08-2017, 01:52 PM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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Hi all, this is another long post so please bear with me. My sincerest apologies for being such a drama. Iím not used to getting help. But I admit I desperately need help.

After our last fight, he took off again and stayed at his moms place. The exwife finally gave a mandate to not be disturbed by him and explicitly said sheís moving on (she probably had realization that it would be more of a headache for her).

So true to what others commented here, I took back my Alcoholic bf after we came to an agreement that he will seek help. I consider myself as a social drinker, and to support him to be sober. I made a promise to him to not drink too so he doesnít get tempted. So off I did, and off we went to AA together. We made it to 3 weeks, until the monster in him started crawling out.

With the slightest emotional instability and minor issues, he made it as a reason to drink again. Not wanting to deal with any of it AGAIN, I let him be under the deal that he will not drink in the house and not to come home drunk to me. So he did. It continued in 2 instances of arguments. This time he got irked that I lied to him about an invite to meet up some old friends of mine (primarily someone who happens to be the uncle of my daughter, which I was connected to professionally but later found out about the linkage of my daughterís dad and him). So anyway, in a nutshell, he doesnít like me to be seen with any males in a public/social environment which I found to be rather ridiculous and have shut him off a couple of times about it. So again, because of that, he made it as a reason to drink. And since he drank, I told him to not come home drunk or having a hangover. Eventually, I locked him out of the house because I was already too paranoid to get into any more fights with him.

So I packed a few of his things, and met him at a convenience store where he drank again to give him his stuff! He is now back at his momís place. While after the meet, I proceeded to the AA meeting alone (which is the second time Iíve done it alone). The seniors told me to just hang on and not be responsible for his relapse, and that I need to take care of myself. His journey is not mine to carry. Those where the words I hear constantly. And I have to admit, Iím starting to have this growing affection to this community. It has helped me as well with my codependency. And I should say it has helped me form a mind-set to slowly-but-surely walk away from him.

Now here is where the struggle comes in. As a social drinker, probably once every 2 months, am I still ďokĒ to drink occasionally? I still want to visit an AA meeting from time to time because it helps me to be reminded that getting drunk is not ok, and if I ďsocially drinkĒ would that classify my situation as a relapse? I know I can control myself. Would AA still fit for me if I want to simply heal myself from codependency?

So moving on to the boyfriend. I still love him. So much that I feel so disappointed to be let down again. He said that he can try to get rid of alcohol if Iím around. Now that we are no longer together, heís back to it again. Telling me that he is weak and itís the only thing he knows how to do to cope. In all honesty he did try. I told him to pick another hobby to take his mind off alcohol, so he bought a guitar to learn. Yet, that didnít really kept the motivation. Right now the guitar is sitting in my room. And as of writing this, he kept messaging me that he missis me and that he loves me. Then finishes it with ďgoodbye. I love you. At least I tried for 3 weeks. And youíre the only person who made me stop drinking for awhileĒ. Now with this, I feel that I failed (since I promised her mom that Iíll do my best to help him as the mom is also suffering from his sonís alcoholism). Iím used to being the go-to-person for peopleís problems. And now the failure of not being able to continue his sobriety is a failure on my part (although I know is not within my control if he wants to drink).
Itís officially day 2/2 nights of him not being in the house. I do feel a sense of relief that heís not here with a mix of sadness and concern. I miss him, and I also know my head is telling me that my decision had to be done. Iíve set rules and boundaries and so far he is respecting it. He knows he canít easily see me as I told him we will only see each other when he is sober. I know tomorrow he will still drink. And for sure the relapse will only worsen his drinking. I still want to communicate with him to somehow lessen the pain for both parties, but in no way will I accept him in the house again. Probably when he is sober for months already or God knows Ďtil when. I intend to help him be sober, but at this stage, I want it in distance so he understands that I will not be his doormat.

Now what I find quite disappointing is his phrase ďIím sorry to hurt you. I am weak. This is the only thing that I can do to copeĒ. When I advised him to get a life mentor, he just says ďIíll tryĒ. When I tell him to go back to an AA meeting for himself, he said heís no longer going back. Itís futile to repeat myself to him. I told him that the price for his decisions is not losing me, but losing himself. I am just a collateral damage to his decisions. And sadly, I have to suffer from it. I feel that he has given up hope for himself and would rather just sulk and live an alcoholic life. He has given up! And the thought of it is MORE PAINFUL. Itís painful to know that the person I love has given up on living life. I will watch him in distance, but this I say. Itís painful. It really is painful. I am hopeful that he will turn things around for himself, but Iím not expecting anything from it. The pain is truly devastating.
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Old 06-08-2017, 02:38 PM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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Hi, Single Mum. Welcome to SR.
You have done the right thing. Keep on doing it.
I can tell you that your SO is in no way ready to become sober.
You would know it if he had.
Recovery looks like recovery.
I think it is doubly hard when we walk away from the addict in our lives. We miss the person he/she was (or what we believed he/she was), and we also give up the idea of the life we hoped to have with this person.
It is sad and disheartening, but you are wise to stay away. Until and unless your SO embraces sobriety, he can't be the partner you want and need.
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