Hi all, this is another long post so please bear with me. My sincerest apologies for being such a drama. I’m not used to getting help. But I admit I desperately need help.
After our last fight, he took off again and stayed at his moms place. The exwife finally gave a mandate to not be disturbed by him and explicitly said she’s moving on (she probably had realization that it would be more of a headache for her).
So true to what others commented here, I took back my Alcoholic bf after we came to an agreement that he will seek help. I consider myself as a social drinker, and to support him to be sober. I made a promise to him to not drink too so he doesn’t get tempted. So off I did, and off we went to AA together. We made it to 3 weeks, until the monster in him started crawling out.
With the slightest emotional instability and minor issues, he made it as a reason to drink again. Not wanting to deal with any of it AGAIN, I let him be under the deal that he will not drink in the house and not to come home drunk to me. So he did. It continued in 2 instances of arguments. This time he got irked that I lied to him about an invite to meet up some old friends of mine (primarily someone who happens to be the uncle of my daughter, which I was connected to professionally but later found out about the linkage of my daughter’s dad and him). So anyway, in a nutshell, he doesn’t like me to be seen with any males in a public/social environment which I found to be rather ridiculous and have shut him off a couple of times about it. So again, because of that, he made it as a reason to drink. And since he drank, I told him to not come home drunk or having a hangover. Eventually, I locked him out of the house because I was already too paranoid to get into any more fights with him.
So I packed a few of his things, and met him at a convenience store where he drank again to give him his stuff! He is now back at his mom’s place. While after the meet, I proceeded to the AA meeting alone (which is the second time I’ve done it alone). The seniors told me to just hang on and not be responsible for his relapse, and that I need to take care of myself. His journey is not mine to carry. Those where the words I hear constantly. And I have to admit, I’m starting to have this growing affection to this community. It has helped me as well with my codependency. And I should say it has helped me form a mind-set to slowly-but-surely walk away from him.
Now here is where the struggle comes in. As a social drinker, probably once every 2 months, am I still “ok” to drink occasionally? I still want to visit an AA meeting from time to time because it helps me to be reminded that getting drunk is not ok, and if I “socially drink” would that classify my situation as a relapse? I know I can control myself. Would AA still fit for me if I want to simply heal myself from codependency?
So moving on to the boyfriend. I still love him. So much that I feel so disappointed to be let down again. He said that he can try to get rid of alcohol if I’m around. Now that we are no longer together, he’s back to it again. Telling me that he is weak and it’s the only thing he knows how to do to cope. In all honesty he did try. I told him to pick another hobby to take his mind off alcohol, so he bought a guitar to learn. Yet, that didn’t really kept the motivation. Right now the guitar is sitting in my room. And as of writing this, he kept messaging me that he missis me and that he loves me. Then finishes it with “goodbye. I love you. At least I tried for 3 weeks. And you’re the only person who made me stop drinking for awhile”. Now with this, I feel that I failed (since I promised her mom that I’ll do my best to help him as the mom is also suffering from his son’s alcoholism). I’m used to being the go-to-person for people’s problems. And now the failure of not being able to continue his sobriety is a failure on my part (although I know is not within my control if he wants to drink).
It’s officially day 2/2 nights of him not being in the house. I do feel a sense of relief that he’s not here with a mix of sadness and concern. I miss him, and I also know my head is telling me that my decision had to be done. I’ve set rules and boundaries and so far he is respecting it. He knows he can’t easily see me as I told him we will only see each other when he is sober. I know tomorrow he will still drink. And for sure the relapse will only worsen his drinking. I still want to communicate with him to somehow lessen the pain for both parties, but in no way will I accept him in the house again. Probably when he is sober for months already or God knows ‘til when. I intend to help him be sober, but at this stage, I want it in distance so he understands that I will not be his doormat.
Now what I find quite disappointing is his phrase “I’m sorry to hurt you. I am weak. This is the only thing that I can do to cope”. When I advised him to get a life mentor, he just says “I’ll try”. When I tell him to go back to an AA meeting for himself, he said he’s no longer going back. It’s futile to repeat myself to him. I told him that the price for his decisions is not losing me, but losing himself. I am just a collateral damage to his decisions. And sadly, I have to suffer from it. I feel that he has given up hope for himself and would rather just sulk and live an alcoholic life. He has given up! And the thought of it is MORE PAINFUL. It’s painful to know that the person I love has given up on living life. I will watch him in distance, but this I say. It’s painful. It really is painful. I am hopeful that he will turn things around for himself, but I’m not expecting anything from it. The pain is truly devastating.