Help!I'm Living with an Alcoholic bf
 

I’m not so sure if this is the right forum but I am desperate for some answers so hope you can bear with me and get me your inputs.

Here’s a backgrounder, I’m living with my boyfriend in my apartment along with my two kids. Our relationship is farely new (living together for 4 months now), I would say it was a whirlwind romance. We didn’t want to go through the whole long term dating thus we decided that he moves in with me. He split up with his wife before we met but they are not divorced yet as they are waiting for whoever has the funds to file for it. I met the exwife before and it was mutual that they both decided to call it quits. He’s also partially blind so technically he is legally disabled. When I talked to the wife I was told that her problem with him was his drinking which has also spilled over to our relationship.

We’ve been having fights lately about his drinking because it’s causing stressing to me and honestly, it’s embarrassing for me as a parent to have my kids see us fight. He just simply goes crazy when he’s drunk, and I try my best not to get into any heated argument because I do fight back (no physical but more of verbal) just to shut him off.

A week back we had the same issue about his drinking. I told him that if he really wants to drink he might as well sleep somewhere else because I will not tolerate his behavior. So he did! Only to find out that he slept the night off at his ex-wife’s house! The following morning he rushed home early and when I asked him about it, he admitted to sleeping over but was drunk already when he arrived there. I knew from the get-go that it was bound to happen as the ex-wife still wants him back. When I asked him how he ended up there, he said the ex-wife insisted to take him in so he has a place to sleep to that night. I’ve read their messages (I didn’t snoop as we both have access to our phones) and true enough, the ex-wife begged him to come back and reconcile. He just literally got his clothes back and rush in an hour to come home.

Now here are the facts. He’s an alcoholic, and he admitted that to me. His reason why he drinks is that he blames me for having an erratic sleeping hours (I work from home and I need to be up mostly at night) to do my job, and he doesn’t like the fact that I get to sleep at around 4am onwards. So with this I compromised and I try my best to fix my sleeping hours. On his side, he tries his best to not drink. But yesterday, as I wasn’t able to sleep earlier than expected because I had to finish some backlog work, he went crazy on me again. That he might as well spend time outside because he was bored. When I asked if he will drink, he responded that it would be my fault that he’s drinking because I am stressing him out for not getting any sleep. He told me he no longer respects me and that it’s useless to stay together if we don’t have the same sleeping habits. Truth be told, he has insomnia too! And I get to be blamed for it.

With that, I know that was rather an unfair excuse of him and I sensed its his alcohol withdrawal that is causing him to be unrealistic and to come up with all the excuses just to drink (he’s been sober for a week after I talked him out of it). So for the last 24 hours it’s been silent treatment for both of us, and with the weekend coming, he packed a set of clothes again which I’m sure he’s going to spend the night elsewhere and be drinking ‘til he passes out. (though he told me he’s never going back to his exwife’s place again because he realized it was a big mistake, which I don’t really buy btw).
I’m torn between talking to him again or just to let him be with his drinking. The thought of him rekindling things with is exwife this coming weekend is like a dagger but I can’t force myself if that what he really wants to happen.

I’ve contemplated on just simply letting him go and move on as I can’t see myself being with an alcoholic. Although he is a pretty decent and loving guy when he’s sober. My kids like him and its just that this problem with his drinking is affecting our relationship. I would have want this relationship to last, but what I really don’t know what to do with his behavior. Should I take the blame for it? Or should I walk out? I know it’s not my responsibility to fix him, but I don’t want to see him waste his years with his stupid drinking habits. And aside from the obvious alcoholic problem, I'm faced with this love triangle crap that every woman I'm sure doesn't want to deal with.

Sorry if this has come to a pretty long post. Any thoughts to my dilemma would be of great help.

If we are voting...I say walk. Take the kids...get an apt or something where you can live in peace. This will just escalate. You can read my post on my page. I waited too long to get out and am still working on pulling myself together.

Single Mum, if you stop and think about how this alcoholic relationship is affecting your kids, I think the answer to all your questions will become extremely clear.

Best wishes, keep us posted.

Your kids should come first. This seems very unhealthy. I know its hard but it may be best to move on.

Thank you for sharing your experience. It seems your partner isn't in denial about his problems with alcohol. However, you will have to help him realize that if he quits drinking it will NOT be as a favour to you BUT as the best possible thing that he could do for himself. As far as I know, resentment never helped anyone in recovery.

You know best what this relationship means to you and if it's worth holding on to. It is obvious that there are trust issues which need to be resolved. My sixth sense tells me that getting alcohol out the of the picture will help to a great extent.

Wishing you all the best.

Hi and welcome singlemum :)

You don't make him drink. That's one of the standard lines we pull out when we're actively drinking and don't want to face up to responsibility or reality.

He may decide to clean up, stay sober and be a great guy like some of us have become again...or he may not.

You have to consider whether you'll be ok with him maybe not being ok...and it sounds like you've made your choice?

D

I had to live with a very angry drunk for years as a kid because my mother simply didn't want to be single. It's isn't fair to the kids.

I hope you'll spend some time reading other threads here...you certainly are not alone. This is pretty much textbook...it's always a whirlwind romance with a fast commitment...then once the alcoholic is all moved in and that much harder to extricate...the real drinker emerges.

All the excuses, the denial, the blame shifting, the using of the wife against you and you against her...textbook.

It will get worse and the unthinkable will become normal.

Run.

Wow, Aries, to say you have a clear insight into these situations would be the understatement of the year, and very succinctly expressed on top of it.

Singlemum, you might want to print this out and think about if what Aries is describing is what you want for your life and your kids.

That's actually frightening to me, and I'm not in the situation myself.

let the ex-wife have him back. you don't need this. your kids most definitely do not need this. they are observing and LEARNING......and none of it is good.

So I just talked to him tonight to let everything out and ask him about his plan. So what we agreed in is that he will move out but I will give him time to find his own place. It's painful enough to think about ot, but deep down inside O know it's for the best.

I cant force myself. And I cant also insist of keeping him no matter how I love him. For him my sleeping habits is too mucj for him, but I know that it's his way of steering himself away from the reality of how to be responsible in a relationship. I love him, but I can't find myself to compromise with his actions and behavior. I have bigger responsibilities greater than just him. It's painful, it really is. He refuses to see his errors. I want to help him so badly, but I also need it. I need to help myself too? I don't depend on anyone else but myself. I paid a huge loss in this gamble of a relationship. This guy is amazing when sober. And I do understand my role in his life now, I'm just a dot in his life to get him where he needs to be. And wherever that is, I hope it's for the best for him.

I'm sooooo broken right now. And he doesn't see it. But all is well, I've learned a lot from this. I just wish there's a pill to get me through the recovery of a heartache.

You need to get rid of him immediately.

If the pattern holds true, while he's "looking" for his own place you'll find him being an "amazing" guy again, the guy you swiftly fell in love with, and great with the kids, kind and giving of his time, he'll cut back on the drinking, and before you know it....you can't bear to "kick" him out without giving him another chance.

Then you might get to start the entire nightmare all over again.

Why can't he get his act together over the next year on his own, if he can, away from your family, and then, if love is real, re-evaluate things then?

How about we put it this way: he needs to go off by himself for a while, maybe a year, and figure things out on his own.

Then take it from there, if there's anything to take or leave.

As an alcoholic, if I am given an ultimatum, I am going to try to buy more time, any way that I can, and hope that they will change their mind.

You realize your sleeping patterns have squat zero to do with his drinking, right? In fact, he'd have far fewer sleeping problems after a few months of recovery...alcoholism is notorious for helping us fall asleep quickly (aka passing out) but then as the alcohol is metabolized our blood sugar drops and we wake up...for me it was 3:15 a.m. like clockwork.

It's a rationalization, but you know that.

Sending you a hug.

Look, when a bunch of alcoholics, me among them, say "GTFO!", it is time GTFO!

If he doesn't like your sleeping habits, that's tough. You have a job. You work. He should have respect for that. It doesn't sound like he appreciates the fact that you even work and are a provider! That would p*ss me off good and royal. You're are more than pulling your weight and he whines ... and he drinks...and he goes back to the ex....the divorce is not final? He doesn't even provide for you. Hmmmmmm.

Ok. Sweetie. I think you know what you need to do. Lay down the law, sister.

I'm a recovering alcoholic who kicked out her alcoholic ex. We share a child. This is the second time I've kicked him out. I feel I am changing, but honestly I don't think he ever will. He does not want recovery, and it doesn't sound like your boyfriend does either.

My ex's stuff is still all here. He absolutely filled my house with his junk. I want to sell my house. I am left with a big mess. He has been very hard to get rid of, as you can see.

Please get rid of this man now before it gets worse. And it will.

Best wishes to you. A lot of us have been in similar situations and are trying to help others from going down the paths we did. Hugs.