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You absolutely did the right thing. Alcoholism is a progressive problem and it sounds like he's out of control. The best option to do is what you already have planned out to get him out of your life, and to focus on your own recovery from the mess.
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Originally Posted by Maudcat 
You are not wrong. Don't let him in, give him his stuff, and run, don't walk, away. He is, at the moment, a walking disaster. Peace.
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Dear tomsteve,
I have read your post 9 times and I'm sure I will read it again before I go to sleep.
The first couple of times I sat wide-eyed as I read. I was blown away. I can't believe how your description of events almost mirrors what I've been going through. Immaturity-he's still stuck in his high school years - which is when he started drinking. Temper tantrums-yep. All about him-yep. Horribly mean and hurtful when drunk-yep. Half the time he just acts so stupid he gets on my nerves. No way to tell what he will turn into. Blames everything on others and the "unfair" things that have happened to him. In reality he had an amazing childhood - he was the golden child. Still dwells on the fact that he got drafted by a pro sports team but got hurt playing in his last college game and didn't get to go pro. He's got a list a mile long. Most of the things aren't anything to complain about. Spoiled, self-centered, and his sense of entitlement makes me sick. SO many things you said.....as I read the 3rd, 4th, 5th time I was thinking "What the hell!? This is unbelievable!" So, when your fiancé asked you to leave did you truly feel remorse for what you had done? Did you feel bad for her at the moment or did it take awhile? I haven't talked to him since the day I called 911. I'm loving being on my trip but am getting anxious to get back and get all of this behind me. You will NEVER know what your post means to me. I want you to know that I appreciate you so much. I didn't know what to expect when I came here but it's more than I dreamed of. This is helping me so much. Thank you, thank you, thank you. One more question: were you ever violent while drinking? When they asked you to leave did you make it a battle?
I have read your post 9 times and I'm sure I will read it again before I go to sleep.
The first couple of times I sat wide-eyed as I read. I was blown away. I can't believe how your description of events almost mirrors what I've been going through. Immaturity-he's still stuck in his high school years - which is when he started drinking. Temper tantrums-yep. All about him-yep. Horribly mean and hurtful when drunk-yep. Half the time he just acts so stupid he gets on my nerves. No way to tell what he will turn into. Blames everything on others and the "unfair" things that have happened to him. In reality he had an amazing childhood - he was the golden child. Still dwells on the fact that he got drafted by a pro sports team but got hurt playing in his last college game and didn't get to go pro. He's got a list a mile long. Most of the things aren't anything to complain about. Spoiled, self-centered, and his sense of entitlement makes me sick. SO many things you said.....as I read the 3rd, 4th, 5th time I was thinking "What the hell!? This is unbelievable!" So, when your fiancé asked you to leave did you truly feel remorse for what you had done? Did you feel bad for her at the moment or did it take awhile? I haven't talked to him since the day I called 911. I'm loving being on my trip but am getting anxious to get back and get all of this behind me. You will NEVER know what your post means to me. I want you to know that I appreciate you so much. I didn't know what to expect when I came here but it's more than I dreamed of. This is helping me so much. Thank you, thank you, thank you. One more question: were you ever violent while drinking? When they asked you to leave did you make it a battle?
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Hello Pistachio,
I'm really sorry for what brings you here but glad you found us!
Please stick around and ask all the questions you would like. I am glad you are protecting yourself. One thing that those of us on the Friends and Family side come to realize is that our love cannot cure the alcoholics and addicts in our lives. Would that it could--none of us would be here.
Many of the members here have experienced violence at the hands of their alcoholic loved ones, but certainly not all. Many alcoholics are not at all violent. In my opinion, the violence is a whole separate issue. It sounds like this man you have been involved with really needs serious, professional help. But he may not seek help even now if he finds another enabler to take care of him. Some, very sadly, have a long way to fall.
If you would like, you can also visit the Friends and Family of Alcoholics sub-forum here. Sadly, your story is not uncommon here.
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Please take good care!! S
I'm really sorry for what brings you here but glad you found us!
Please stick around and ask all the questions you would like. I am glad you are protecting yourself. One thing that those of us on the Friends and Family side come to realize is that our love cannot cure the alcoholics and addicts in our lives. Would that it could--none of us would be here.
Many of the members here have experienced violence at the hands of their alcoholic loved ones, but certainly not all. Many alcoholics are not at all violent. In my opinion, the violence is a whole separate issue. It sounds like this man you have been involved with really needs serious, professional help. But he may not seek help even now if he finds another enabler to take care of him. Some, very sadly, have a long way to fall.
If you would like, you can also visit the Friends and Family of Alcoholics sub-forum here. Sadly, your story is not uncommon here.
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Please take good care!! S
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Originally Posted by Grymt
The best thing you can do for him is slam the door in his face. (worked for me) Have nothing to do with him. Look after yourself.
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Originally Posted by Forward12
You absolutely did the right thing. Alcoholism is a progressive problem and it sounds like he's out of control. The best option to do is what you already have planned out to get him out of your life, and to focus on your own recovery from the mess.
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If it were me (and I've broken up with a couple real winners that I picked) I would have a friend be there with me when he comes to pick up his stuff. Reduces the drama considerably. Even more so if that friend happens to be a big buff guy.
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" So, when your fiancé asked you to leave did you truly feel remorse for what you had done? Did you feel bad for her at the moment or did it take awhile? '
first off, she didn't ask me to leave- it was an order-one that was in the making for some time and well deserved.she deserved to throw me out and I deserved to be tossed out.
that's why I wanted to kill myself- the woman I planned I spending the rest of my life with, I hurt her badly. I was remorseful and bewildered- how could I hurt someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with like that??
that day, being the day she tossed me out, I got out of denial and stopped trying to stuff all of the insanity. one of the reasons I drank was to TRY and stuff them thoughts of my past actions back in- I tried to forget about them.
it never worked- only made it possible for more insanity to occur.
" were you ever violent while drinking? When they asked you to leave did you make it a battle? "
yes, there were times I was violent. the more I sink into alcoholism- the further the progression happened- the more violent I would become.
my fiancé told me once
"tom, youre the most loving man I have ever met, but when you drink you can be evil."
that turned into:'tom, youre the most loving man I have ever met, but when you drink youre nothing but evil."
that turned into," tom, youre nothing but evil when youre drunk and its happening when your not drinking."
yes, there were times when I was tossed out I turned it into a battle. every time, though, it was one sided. I would be a sick SOB and attack their integrity, but the woman were smart enough to not engage.
and my attackes were always delusional ramblings from an insane person.
something I learned about insanity- insane people don't run around saying or thinking theyre insane because they don't see it. it wasn't until I got sober that I could truly,honestly say I was friggin nutso bonkers insane.
first off, she didn't ask me to leave- it was an order-one that was in the making for some time and well deserved.she deserved to throw me out and I deserved to be tossed out.
that's why I wanted to kill myself- the woman I planned I spending the rest of my life with, I hurt her badly. I was remorseful and bewildered- how could I hurt someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with like that??
that day, being the day she tossed me out, I got out of denial and stopped trying to stuff all of the insanity. one of the reasons I drank was to TRY and stuff them thoughts of my past actions back in- I tried to forget about them.
it never worked- only made it possible for more insanity to occur.
" were you ever violent while drinking? When they asked you to leave did you make it a battle? "
yes, there were times I was violent. the more I sink into alcoholism- the further the progression happened- the more violent I would become.
my fiancé told me once
"tom, youre the most loving man I have ever met, but when you drink you can be evil."
that turned into:'tom, youre the most loving man I have ever met, but when you drink youre nothing but evil."
that turned into," tom, youre nothing but evil when youre drunk and its happening when your not drinking."
yes, there were times when I was tossed out I turned it into a battle. every time, though, it was one sided. I would be a sick SOB and attack their integrity, but the woman were smart enough to not engage.
and my attackes were always delusional ramblings from an insane person.
something I learned about insanity- insane people don't run around saying or thinking theyre insane because they don't see it. it wasn't until I got sober that I could truly,honestly say I was friggin nutso bonkers insane.
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Tom,
This all so uncanny. I have told him the same thing about being evil and I wasn't lying. I didn't know personalities could shift so rapidly. Light bulbs are going off in my head as I read what you are telling me. I am thinking back on things that have happened and I'm beginning to put things together. I always looked forward to mornings because he was sober and I could really talk to him. That all went down the drain as he began drinking in the morning. He said he would stop doing that but now I know, since I'm learning more, that he can't.
So you really loved your fiancé? You weren't just using her? You said you didn't want to live - you must have loved her dearly. Did you try to get back with her? How did she handle that? You said you
attacked the integrity of the women who kicked you out. He has done the same. Then he will turn around and tell anyone who will listen how smart, beautiful, and amazing I am. ??? I asked him one time why he didn't apologize more and he told me it made him look weak. I will never understand that. Not apologizing is horribly weak to me. I am so hungry for information. When you get tired of answering my questions please let me know, though. I know how to say thank you and go on. No, seriously, please don't do that! I'm finally getting a grip on this craziness.
I'm following through with my plans when I get home. What do you think I can expect from him?
This all so uncanny. I have told him the same thing about being evil and I wasn't lying. I didn't know personalities could shift so rapidly. Light bulbs are going off in my head as I read what you are telling me. I am thinking back on things that have happened and I'm beginning to put things together. I always looked forward to mornings because he was sober and I could really talk to him. That all went down the drain as he began drinking in the morning. He said he would stop doing that but now I know, since I'm learning more, that he can't.
So you really loved your fiancé? You weren't just using her? You said you didn't want to live - you must have loved her dearly. Did you try to get back with her? How did she handle that? You said you
attacked the integrity of the women who kicked you out. He has done the same. Then he will turn around and tell anyone who will listen how smart, beautiful, and amazing I am. ??? I asked him one time why he didn't apologize more and he told me it made him look weak. I will never understand that. Not apologizing is horribly weak to me. I am so hungry for information. When you get tired of answering my questions please let me know, though. I know how to say thank you and go on. No, seriously, please don't do that! I'm finally getting a grip on this craziness.
I'm following through with my plans when I get home. What do you think I can expect from him?
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Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
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lightbulbs going off- yeah, i can relate to THAT, but from the other side fot he fence- i used to think i was unique and no one had ever experienced what i had, felt like i thought, or had done what i had done.
then that last drunk- that's when i went to AA. after the fog wore off a bit, i was able to hear what some of the people there were saying. i was very blessed that where i got sober, there was a detox locally and the 'clients" would be brought to meetings, so i there were a lot of what i call"what we used to be like, what happened,and what we are like now" meetings.
ya know what happened to me? i got paranoid!! i was hearing people that had been sober quite some time describing me! not just the actions, but the thinking and i thought there was absolutely no way they could know that unless they were following me!
then i got the big book of aa and was completely blown away that a book that was published 28 years before i was born described me pretty dam good.
what im saying here is that i learned that there are traits of an alcoholic that are very common amongst us.
something i heard early on that really hit home:
an alcoholic is an egomaniac with low self esteem. WOW!! they knew me! everything was all about me, yet i really didn't like myself. i can look back and see i had that trait before i ever picked up my very first drink. i had that trait was back into childhood.
"So you really loved your fiancé? You weren't just using her? You said you didn't want to live - you must have loved her dearly. Did you try to get back with her? How did she handle that?"
in all honesty, i truly loved her- i loved everything about her. well, cept for the naggin me about my drinkin. because, im sure you've experienced it, nag me about anything, but NOT that!! yeah, i was a wee bit sick. she was a wonderful woman with a huge heart- someone who put the well being of others ahead of herself.
but yes, i was also using her- i wanted her to be the "banker' for my sprees. id earn the money and she take care of everything else. not that i just sat on my but- i took care of the house,vehicles, yard, and anything that needed to be repaired. but everything else i 'expected" her to take care of.
did i try to get back with her? boy, the thought that if i got sober and got my poop inna group, shed take me back was quite strong. but something that kept getting stronger was that i got further and further out of denial- i could see how i was and who i was those years and i stood a snowballs chance in hell of that happeing.
not only that, but i also remembered all of the empty promises throughout my past- promises that i would stop drinking and change. they were all just that- empty promises.
PLUS, i saw how many times in my past i tried to get sober for some person,place, or thing, only to end up drunk again in no time. the major, number 1 reason for me getting sober was for me. yup, quite selfish, but i had to be selfish to get sober- i had to do it for me.
so i gave up even thinking we would get back together- i accepted it wasn't going to happen.
now, before that happened something else happened:
a day after my last drunk, i called her. i asked about how she was doing.beings how i was out of denial about how horrible of a person i had become, and the fact that her sister- someone i had been friends with for years before we got together was dieing of cancer, which she passed away 2 days later- i wanted to know how she was doing and all, but that was the underlying excuse for calling- i was doing a wee bit of begging and pleading and 'im getting help" and'im going to change" blahblahblah she had heard uncounted time.
and she was having nothing to do with that and wouldn't allow me to try that crap.
then 2 days after her sister died she pulled in with all of my belongings that were at her sisters house. how did she handle it? welp, i don't know, but can assume she was crushed and hurting pretty bad.
i did get a call from her about 14 months after i got sober. we were living in northern Michigan- small towns about 20 miles apart. but word still gets around. she had heard i was diagnosed with cancer and was calling to see how i was doing and even said if needed, she would be willing to help me through any of the treatment. by that time i had really did a LOT of work on myself.
and my response was,"i thank you kindly for your generous offer. its very kind of you. but i have this covered and will be good."
ok, back to alcoholism. something i read in the big book of AA that hit home real hard for me:
No words can tell of the loneliness and despair I found in that bitter morass of self-pity. Quicksand stretched around me in all directions. I had met my match. I had been overwhelmed. Alcohol was my master.
when i crossed the line into full blown alcoholism, it was no longer me callin the shots- it was alcoholism. i don't use that as an excuse for being how i was who i was, but cant describe it any other way.
"What do you think I can expect from him? "
that's hard sayin, but in my opinion the absolute best thing you can do is have no expectations of what hes going to do. that way whatever transpires will be easier to find a solution for- you wont be blindsided by something unexpected
then that last drunk- that's when i went to AA. after the fog wore off a bit, i was able to hear what some of the people there were saying. i was very blessed that where i got sober, there was a detox locally and the 'clients" would be brought to meetings, so i there were a lot of what i call"what we used to be like, what happened,and what we are like now" meetings.
ya know what happened to me? i got paranoid!! i was hearing people that had been sober quite some time describing me! not just the actions, but the thinking and i thought there was absolutely no way they could know that unless they were following me!
then i got the big book of aa and was completely blown away that a book that was published 28 years before i was born described me pretty dam good.
what im saying here is that i learned that there are traits of an alcoholic that are very common amongst us.
something i heard early on that really hit home:
an alcoholic is an egomaniac with low self esteem. WOW!! they knew me! everything was all about me, yet i really didn't like myself. i can look back and see i had that trait before i ever picked up my very first drink. i had that trait was back into childhood.
"So you really loved your fiancé? You weren't just using her? You said you didn't want to live - you must have loved her dearly. Did you try to get back with her? How did she handle that?"
in all honesty, i truly loved her- i loved everything about her. well, cept for the naggin me about my drinkin. because, im sure you've experienced it, nag me about anything, but NOT that!! yeah, i was a wee bit sick. she was a wonderful woman with a huge heart- someone who put the well being of others ahead of herself.
but yes, i was also using her- i wanted her to be the "banker' for my sprees. id earn the money and she take care of everything else. not that i just sat on my but- i took care of the house,vehicles, yard, and anything that needed to be repaired. but everything else i 'expected" her to take care of.
did i try to get back with her? boy, the thought that if i got sober and got my poop inna group, shed take me back was quite strong. but something that kept getting stronger was that i got further and further out of denial- i could see how i was and who i was those years and i stood a snowballs chance in hell of that happeing.
not only that, but i also remembered all of the empty promises throughout my past- promises that i would stop drinking and change. they were all just that- empty promises.
PLUS, i saw how many times in my past i tried to get sober for some person,place, or thing, only to end up drunk again in no time. the major, number 1 reason for me getting sober was for me. yup, quite selfish, but i had to be selfish to get sober- i had to do it for me.
so i gave up even thinking we would get back together- i accepted it wasn't going to happen.
now, before that happened something else happened:
a day after my last drunk, i called her. i asked about how she was doing.beings how i was out of denial about how horrible of a person i had become, and the fact that her sister- someone i had been friends with for years before we got together was dieing of cancer, which she passed away 2 days later- i wanted to know how she was doing and all, but that was the underlying excuse for calling- i was doing a wee bit of begging and pleading and 'im getting help" and'im going to change" blahblahblah she had heard uncounted time.
and she was having nothing to do with that and wouldn't allow me to try that crap.
then 2 days after her sister died she pulled in with all of my belongings that were at her sisters house. how did she handle it? welp, i don't know, but can assume she was crushed and hurting pretty bad.
i did get a call from her about 14 months after i got sober. we were living in northern Michigan- small towns about 20 miles apart. but word still gets around. she had heard i was diagnosed with cancer and was calling to see how i was doing and even said if needed, she would be willing to help me through any of the treatment. by that time i had really did a LOT of work on myself.
and my response was,"i thank you kindly for your generous offer. its very kind of you. but i have this covered and will be good."
ok, back to alcoholism. something i read in the big book of AA that hit home real hard for me:
No words can tell of the loneliness and despair I found in that bitter morass of self-pity. Quicksand stretched around me in all directions. I had met my match. I had been overwhelmed. Alcohol was my master.
when i crossed the line into full blown alcoholism, it was no longer me callin the shots- it was alcoholism. i don't use that as an excuse for being how i was who i was, but cant describe it any other way.
"What do you think I can expect from him? "
that's hard sayin, but in my opinion the absolute best thing you can do is have no expectations of what hes going to do. that way whatever transpires will be easier to find a solution for- you wont be blindsided by something unexpected
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
heres the lyrics to a song i used to crank when iw as drinkin, then after i got sober said,"nooooo doubt:" its by ozzy and titled, 'demon alcohol"
I'm sick and tired of your excuses
Can't deal with living anymore
I'll give you reasons to continue
While you lie writing on the floor
I'll wash away your lies
And have you hypnotized
There'll be no compromise today
I'll share your life of shame
I think you know my name
I'll introduce myself today
I'm the demon alcohol
Demon alcohol
I'll get you
If you could deal with your reflection
I'm sure you'd see into my eyes
There'll be no need for resurrection
Let's drink to people of the lies
Although that one's too much
You know ten's not enough
There'll be no compromise today
I'll watch you lose control
Consume your very soul
I'll introduce myself today
I'm the demon alcohol
Demon alcohol
Ha ha
Demon alcohol
Demon alcohol, let's party
I'm sick and tired of resolutions
You've quit me time and time again
Don't speak of suicide solutions
You took my hand, I'm here to stay
This time it's you or me
I'll never set you free
There'll be no compromise today
So satisfy your lust
Too much can't be enough
I'll introduce myself today
I'm the demon alcohol
The demon alcohol
Aha
Demon alcohol
Demon alcohol
Let's party
another thing:
i hope yer checking out the friends and family forum and doing some surfing over there. theres a LOT of great experience,strength, and hope over there. might even be a good place to ask what to expect and other questions on how to proceed
I'm sick and tired of your excuses
Can't deal with living anymore
I'll give you reasons to continue
While you lie writing on the floor
I'll wash away your lies
And have you hypnotized
There'll be no compromise today
I'll share your life of shame
I think you know my name
I'll introduce myself today
I'm the demon alcohol
Demon alcohol
I'll get you
If you could deal with your reflection
I'm sure you'd see into my eyes
There'll be no need for resurrection
Let's drink to people of the lies
Although that one's too much
You know ten's not enough
There'll be no compromise today
I'll watch you lose control
Consume your very soul
I'll introduce myself today
I'm the demon alcohol
Demon alcohol
Ha ha
Demon alcohol
Demon alcohol, let's party
I'm sick and tired of resolutions
You've quit me time and time again
Don't speak of suicide solutions
You took my hand, I'm here to stay
This time it's you or me
I'll never set you free
There'll be no compromise today
So satisfy your lust
Too much can't be enough
I'll introduce myself today
I'm the demon alcohol
The demon alcohol
Aha
Demon alcohol
Demon alcohol
Let's party
another thing:
i hope yer checking out the friends and family forum and doing some surfing over there. theres a LOT of great experience,strength, and hope over there. might even be a good place to ask what to expect and other questions on how to proceed
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 48
Tom
Ahhhh Ozzy......I imagine if you could talk to him he'd tell you the truth. Those lyrics brought to my mind all the songs I know about drinking and alcohol. I really never thought of the lyrics but there's much to be learned from them.
I have read every single post on Family and Friends and I can't get enough. This site and the people here are a blessing. I'm moving on with my plans and so far, I have not had any really bad days. I was sick of this a long time ago. I just had to act.
Ahhhh Ozzy......I imagine if you could talk to him he'd tell you the truth. Those lyrics brought to my mind all the songs I know about drinking and alcohol. I really never thought of the lyrics but there's much to be learned from them.
I have read every single post on Family and Friends and I can't get enough. This site and the people here are a blessing. I'm moving on with my plans and so far, I have not had any really bad days. I was sick of this a long time ago. I just had to act.
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Posts: 48
Originally Posted by PhoenixJ
Support to you
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Posts: 48
Can't imagine life without mine! He used to get upset when the ex would yell at me and he would growl and bark. That made the ex tease him and I'd ask him to stop. He was jealous OF MY DOG! Tonight he is calm and happy. Me, too.
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Tom
Were you jealous of your girlfriend's pets? Family? Friends? Did you do/say things that you knew would cut into her heart? Things that would push her buttons. Also, I tried not to argue or react to his comments. Sometimes I couldn't help it and I would cry. Then he would make fun of me and laugh at me for crying, pop open a beer and head to the patio. It was like he had achieved his goal. He had won. The next morning he would ask me why I couldn't just get over it, because everybody fights. Is this typical alcoholic behavior?
Were you jealous of your girlfriend's pets? Family? Friends? Did you do/say things that you knew would cut into her heart? Things that would push her buttons. Also, I tried not to argue or react to his comments. Sometimes I couldn't help it and I would cry. Then he would make fun of me and laugh at me for crying, pop open a beer and head to the patio. It was like he had achieved his goal. He had won. The next morning he would ask me why I couldn't just get over it, because everybody fights. Is this typical alcoholic behavior?
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Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 89
Originally Posted by PistachioCake
Were you the one slamming the door or did you get the door slammed in your face?
We do not slam the door in their face first. We slam the door shut after they have slammed it upside of our head over and over and over and over again. How many slams does it take for us to finally get to the point where we say "ENOUGH"?
I still hurt. The whole abusive/alcoholic/drug addiction rollercoaster led me into a full blown nervous breakdown. I never want to be that person again. It will be years of recovery for me, I am sure. Time and no contact are helping. If I get an annoying sappy memory I try to immediately replace it with the reality of that hateful, entitled person starting with the extreme hate that he had in his eyes when he was drinking or blackout drunk. I try to remember that even partially sober (I do not think that he ever was completely sober) he was a nasty, entitled, controlling speshul snowflake.
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