" So, when your fiancé asked you to leave did you truly feel remorse for what you had done? Did you feel bad for her at the moment or did it take awhile? '
first off, she didn't ask me to leave- it was an order-one that was in the making for some time and well deserved.she deserved to throw me out and I deserved to be tossed out.
that's why I wanted to kill myself- the woman I planned I spending the rest of my life with, I hurt her badly. I was remorseful and bewildered- how could I hurt someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with like that??
that day, being the day she tossed me out, I got out of denial and stopped trying to stuff all of the insanity. one of the reasons I drank was to TRY and stuff them thoughts of my past actions back in- I tried to forget about them.
it never worked- only made it possible for more insanity to occur.
" were you ever violent while drinking? When they asked you to leave did you make it a battle? "
yes, there were times I was violent. the more I sink into alcoholism- the further the progression happened- the more violent I would become.
my fiancé told me once
"tom, youre the most loving man I have ever met, but when you drink you can be evil."
that turned into:'tom, youre the most loving man I have ever met, but when you drink youre nothing but evil."
that turned into," tom, youre nothing but evil when youre drunk and its happening when your not drinking."
yes, there were times when I was tossed out I turned it into a battle. every time, though, it was one sided. I would be a sick SOB and attack their integrity, but the woman were smart enough to not engage.
and my attackes were always delusional ramblings from an insane person.
something I learned about insanity- insane people don't run around saying or thinking theyre insane because they don't see it. it wasn't until I got sober that I could truly,honestly say I was friggin nutso bonkers insane.