lightbulbs going off- yeah, i can relate to THAT, but from the other side fot he fence- i used to think i was unique and no one had ever experienced what i had, felt like i thought, or had done what i had done.
then that last drunk- that's when i went to AA. after the fog wore off a bit, i was able to hear what some of the people there were saying. i was very blessed that where i got sober, there was a detox locally and the 'clients" would be brought to meetings, so i there were a lot of what i call"what we used to be like, what happened,and what we are like now" meetings.
ya know what happened to me? i got paranoid!! i was hearing people that had been sober quite some time describing me! not just the actions, but the thinking and i thought there was absolutely no way they could know that unless they were following me!
then i got the big book of aa and was completely blown away that a book that was published 28 years before i was born described me pretty dam good.
what im saying here is that i learned that there are traits of an alcoholic that are very common amongst us.
something i heard early on that really hit home:
an alcoholic is an egomaniac with low self esteem. WOW!! they
knew me! everything was all about me, yet i really didn't like myself. i can look back and see i had that trait before i ever picked up my very first drink. i had that trait was back into childhood.
"So you really loved your fiancé? You weren't just using her? You said you didn't want to live - you must have loved her dearly. Did you try to get back with her? How did she handle that?"
in all honesty, i truly loved her- i loved everything about her. well, cept for the naggin me about my drinkin. because, im sure you've experienced it, nag me about anything, but NOT that!! yeah, i was a wee bit sick. she was a wonderful woman with a huge heart- someone who put the well being of others ahead of herself.
but yes, i was also using her- i wanted her to be the "banker' for my sprees. id earn the money and she take care of everything else. not that i just sat on my but- i took care of the house,vehicles, yard, and anything that needed to be repaired. but everything else i 'expected" her to take care of.
did i try to get back with her? boy, the thought that if i got sober and got my poop inna group, shed take me back was quite strong. but something that kept getting stronger was that i got further and further out of denial- i could see how i was and who i was those years and i stood a snowballs chance in hell of that happeing.
not only that, but i also remembered all of the empty promises throughout my past- promises that i would stop drinking and change. they were all just that- empty promises.
PLUS, i saw how many times in my past i tried to get sober for some person,place, or thing, only to end up drunk again in no time. the major, number 1 reason for me getting sober was for me. yup, quite selfish, but i had to be selfish to get sober- i had to do it for me.
so i gave up even thinking we would get back together- i accepted it wasn't going to happen.
now, before that happened something else happened:
a day after my last drunk, i called her. i asked about how she was doing.beings how i was out of denial about how horrible of a person i had become, and the fact that her sister- someone i had been friends with for years before we got together was dieing of cancer, which she passed away 2 days later- i wanted to know how she was doing and all, but that was the underlying excuse for calling- i was doing a wee bit of begging and pleading and 'im getting help" and'im going to change" blahblahblah she had heard uncounted time.
and she was having nothing to do with that and wouldn't allow me to try that crap.
then 2 days after her sister died she pulled in with all of my belongings that were at her sisters house. how did she handle it? welp, i don't know, but can assume she was crushed and hurting pretty bad.
i did get a call from her about 14 months after i got sober. we were living in northern Michigan- small towns about 20 miles apart. but word still gets around. she had heard i was diagnosed with cancer and was calling to see how i was doing and even said if needed, she would be willing to help me through any of the treatment. by that time i had really did a LOT of work on myself.
and my response was,"i thank you kindly for your generous offer. its very kind of you. but i have this covered and will be good."
ok, back to alcoholism. something i read in the big book of AA that hit home real hard for me:
No words can tell of the loneliness and despair I found in that bitter morass of self-pity. Quicksand stretched around me in all directions. I had met my match. I had been overwhelmed. Alcohol was my master.
when i crossed the line into full blown alcoholism, it was no longer me callin the shots- it was alcoholism. i don't use that as an excuse for being how i was who i was, but cant describe it any other way.
"What do you think I can expect from him? "
that's hard sayin, but in my opinion the absolute best thing you can do is have no expectations of what hes going to do. that way whatever transpires will be easier to find a solution for- you wont be blindsided by something unexpected