jessie65

fripfrop, I just wanted to say that I totally understand where you are coming from.
I'm a mom of 2 boys and I started drinking when my youngest was 5. My regrets about ever starting are enormous, as he has little to no memory of his perfect fairytale life before mom started drinking.
I tried so hard to be the perfect mom, trying to give my kids everything I never had. And then I started drinking...

I have major regrets, not even sure what happened truthfully, I can just shake my head sometimes. I can't change anything that happened so I just go forward, sober. That's all I can do.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this, you're not alone.

fripfrop

Geez, what am I doing? Banging all your suggestions down?
I need to go to the doctors and say..I'm in trouble, it's life threatening and I need some help!
Sorry Aries.

Ariesagain

If you actually go to the doctor today and say exactly that...you can say anything you want to me. Vent away

The only way out is forward, not backward. Take that first step, okay?

Sending you a hug.

fripfrop

Thank you..it's so hard when you just wanted to be "perfect" for your kids..and weren't
Just have to accept that you wern't I suppose.
But very hard to accept. I'm just finding it hard to deal with. But yes, sober is the only way forward, so they don't remember me as a drunk, like I think of my nan, and my other gran and grandad and dad.
Would hate for them to just think of me like that.

fripfrop

I WOULD HAVE 10 "LIKES"
Down south, where I lived.
That is my point

fripfrop

The people down there
Are much more positive
And helped

teatreeoil007

fripfrop:
'
I caught up on this thread a bit thought I'd add something. I've thought a lot about selfishness...and I've realized that at the end of the 'day'...we are ALL selfish to varying degrees...some may seem more selfish than others and we vary in HOW we are selfish. You know what? Being selfish is not a cardinal sin in my book. It just IS. I know I'm selfish. But, I ask myself why and the biggest reason is because I rely on my SELF for what I think it will take to make me happy...therefore I DO things to make myself feel better. For those caught up in addiction, we've turned to substances to feel better. Some people turn to, gambling, over-spending, overeating, plastic surgery, relationships and the list goes on of things we do to make our SELF feel better. Is that selfish? Sure. But I understand the reasons for it. I think the more your basic needs are NOT being met, the more selfish we BEHAVE to GET those needs met. So, in a way it boils down to people being humans who have NEEDS. So much of what we DO is about getting our needs met, (in other words).

BUT: we are much MORE than how we behave. Others looking on our lives would judge us for doing what we do and that's a given, but we need to REMIND ourselves that at our core we are loving, caring people who for whatever reason are/were deficient. We've ALL flubbed up, made mistakes...and then we wake up and find ourselves wanting to stop the destructive behaviors we once engaged in. We find ourselves wanting to "make things right"....AND: We also find ourselves buying into the notion of, "Why bother?" to try and patch things up when those we have let down have already made their minds up as to what they think of us. We also entertain the thought of "Why bother" to do things right now when I can't fix the past? Why bother when I cannot undo the damage I've already done. Or this one: "I'm so far gone now there's no hope for me."

So, here' the deal: Sometimes we need to try and patch things up the best we can REGARDLESS of how it is received...I maybe do it for them..but we also need to do it for ourselves, knowing that if we didn't at least TRY to patch things up we will have an even HARDER time living with our mistakes and we continue to add to our LIST OF REGRETS. We have to do what we can live with from here on out. You want to make things right with your kids. So, do what you can in order to acheive that, knowing that you did youR BEST from this present time FORWARD.

BUILD on the present, from this day FORWARD....do what you can TODAY... Whenever I hear that voice saying, "Why bother?", I need listen up. That is a voice of defeat and I need to shoot that voice down. The enemy of the soul wants us all the adopt a attitude of , "Why bother?" and when we do that enemy has won. Get rid of the "Why bother?" voice and don't let it be part of your vocabulary.

fripfrop

Thank you. I am not drinking today. I'm in a bit of a horrible state, but you are right. I can give up, or I can go forward.
I have taken onboard what you have said.

teatreeoil007

You're very welcome, fripfrop.

Never give up.

Well, I don't know how you celebrate the 4th of July, but I'm thinking about that spirit of independence and how to apply it to our everyday lives. On certain days it feels as if things are stacked against us and it WOULD be easy to start thinking about giving up. What we need is a "sign" perhaps that tells us: "Don't give up" and "Never give up". We are all a work I progress and far from perfect, but we can still be enabled to do wonderful things and make amazing turning points.

Maybe we just need a little spark.

Maybe we just need something to brighten our day.

Maybe we just need to be reminded of all the reasons to not give up.

Good job, fripfrop...you're doing way better than you realize. Hang in there....

Ariesagain

The first days are the hardest, but you never have to go through it again.

If you start feeling really bad physically or better, before you do, get medical help.

Liquids, healthy food often, and distraction are all key and most of all, stay close to this forum. We're here to listen, support, and help you through it.

Sending you a hug.

fripfrop

I'm English, 4th of July was a bit of a defeat for us haha
I do so appreciate what you are saying though x

fripfrop

I don't want to go to the hospital again. There is a muslim nurse there who lectures me like mad, and looks down on me. I'll just try to tough it out.
I can't eat yet. I bloody well hope I remember the states I get myself in, when the thought of a drink crosses my mind again!
It's just such a dark lonely place to be. People here help though.

Ariesagain

Remember, those dark places are made darker by booze. We all tend to assume that we are unhappy people at our core and that booze is just incidental, but it's not true.

You can do this!

fripfrop

I just miss my daughter so much.
My sons were older before the drinking started. She really did get the brunt of it.
She is 24 now and lives in another town for work.
She has a new family with her boyfriend, very well off and always off doing exciting things.
I haven't seen her since March, even though she is only an hour and a half away by car.
I don't drive and can't afford the trainfare.
It's really weird because she looks like me physically, but she is everything I never was.
YES that is self pity!!
But I miss her so much. I was a single parent, so couldn't give her much. I am happy she is happy, but am also a bit jealous of her "new family"
I just feel a bit displaced because my whole life has been a mother (although admittedly not a good one at times)
I just don't know what to do with myself now the kids are grown and have their own lives.

fripfrop

I hope I can.

Ariesagain

You sound like a very nurturing person and the world needs more of those. Once you're sober, there are many places where you could volunteer and feel good about contributing.

First steps, yes?

fripfrop

Thanks to the booze Aries, I have a criminal record (I don't even remember what I did!)
The police told me, when they let me out of the cell, I was "drunk and disordely" But then again, the police are sometimes very aggressive. I was covered in bruises. Im only 5ft tall how much am a threat am I? Against big men in bullet proof vests?
Anyway, has stopped my chances of getting a job, and even from volunteering.
The only conviction in 50 years, and it's just wrecked me.
The dole get on my back about not really looking for work. And this "conviction" is just expelling me.
I really have no life. No job. Kids away and happy. Living where I really don't want to be.
I rang the Samaratins this morning. I spoke to a really nice woman. But I really didn't know what to say to her.
Help?
I need help and I have been to the doctors, and he is useless.
He just says stop drinking.
Yeah mate, I would if I could.
I just feel....useless
Then I feel, stop being so pathetic,

teatreeoil007

Whoever said it gets easier as we get older was wrong, I think. Maybe some things are easier for some people, but there are a lot of things that are more challenging...getting the kids raised is a big deal and after dealing with the teenage years it can be a relief when they go off to college, but for me it was also surreal the day I helped take some stuff to my son's dorm...your kids have their own lives and that's how it's supposed to be, but were most of us prepared for how it would feel ? Maybe you need to feel needed? Well, your kids still need you; just in a different way.

Ariesagain

Actually, I googled "volunteering in the UK with a criminal record" and it's not only possible, but in some cases, preferred, because they feel people with a past are more empathetic to the situation.

But it's really up to you. We can all google and cajole from around the world until the cows come home (is that an expression in the UK as well?) but you have to decide whether to make those first steps.

Wishing you strength.

fripfrop

Thanks Aries, Ill look into that.
I need to do something to feel useful.
Are you really an Aries? I have 2 of them. And I once read in an astrology book that nature isn't usually so unfair as to give a mother 2 Ariens haha, stong willed little gits my two are haha. But very loving and lovable.
Just a bit hard headed for my Scorpion self sometimes haha
Not meant to be an insult, I love my little Ariens.