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I wish it were physical

Old 07-02-2016, 02:08 AM
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Fini, yes, I am just beginning to see that.
Im not the only one in this postition, probably everyone is in the same boat. And they have done it. I will follow the suggestions you made there.
I am going to go to the doctors too. I cannot do AA as the group here is a shambles. There is nothing else here. There was a government sponsered group, but they have shut everything down due to cut backs by the government. It will also take 3 weeks before I can get an appointment to see a doctor.
Until then I'll just use this site
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Old 07-02-2016, 04:01 AM
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I am just bowled over by the responses here.
For the first time, I don't feel alone in this.
I want to say thankyou to every single person who has replied to me. It's made such a difference in shifting my thinking.
I'm a very private person, and I never ever before have told anyone about the fears and nasty thoughts I have.
Its been such an eye opener, the way people here have opened up about their own, sometimes, very painful experiences.
It's been the first time, since I got stuck in this drinking nightmare, that I haven't felt so isolated from the world.
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Old 07-02-2016, 04:25 AM
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Originally Posted by fripfrop View Post
But Dee, Sometimes I think, even if I was able to stop for good, it's too late to prove anything to them now, they have their own lives. Deep in my mind I think, they would be thinking.."well if you can give up now, why couldn't you have given up when it mattered?"
These thoughts always kick in after a couple of days of not drinking..and they always lead back to the same path..I have no idea why I torment myself, because it does no good to anyone, least of all them
IME trust is impossible to rebuild when the drinking continues. I didn't trust my mother for a VERY long time after she quit (and I knew when there were relapses, even if the rest of my family said I was imaging things - I KNEW, my radar was so in tune with her) - and I was in my 20s when the trust had come, and was violated one last time *that I knew of*. It took longer and I still worry that she is "off" as we call it and it is not just because of her bipolar disease, but maybe drinking. And it will take plenty of time for my parents (and my brother, which is in some ways a much tougher situation) to trust me. They may only getting to 99% trusting my sobriety because they are parent and worry, because of what I put them through, because they are human and I hurt them desperately.

BUT. I will tell you that no matter how grown your children are, children WANT to be able to forgive parents, and vice versa. Even the angriest, most hurt among us want to be able to trust and love our family. No matter what we say.

But if you are still drinking- no dice.

I hope you can still that inner voice enough to get sober and try for that regain. You have to get sober for you, but as others have said, that trust can come after diligent, consistent, sober ACTION.

I bet it's not too late. And you as well as them will be glad if you all get there.
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Old 07-02-2016, 04:26 AM
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I will add one thing, which some people will not agree with.
That "alcoholics" are selfish.
Really, when I didn't drink probmatically, I wasn't selfish. In fact my therapist spent years trying to make me see that my needs were as important as anyone eles that I tried to fulfill.
My drinking was selfish.
My NEED to drink was selfish
This is what I am trying to come to terms with, within myself. That I could continue to do such a selfish act, when I knew it was damanging other people.
I think my OCD didn't just "go away" when I managed to control it. I think it went to drinking.
I drank "normally" for 20 years. Once a week, out with my friends.
Until I was 36.
The AA meetings I went to, were a lot of people saying "My first drink had me, I was hooked"
I wasn't like that.
I couldn't connect.
Drink was a minute part of my life. I had been diagnosed with clinical depression and chronic anxiety and PTSD from being 14 and I didn't drink to take it away, I used other methods.
I saw a psychotherapist, and had a really wierd spiritual experince when I was 36. When I felt better..I started to drink. Before then, I was too afraid to drink irresponsibly.
The better my mind got, the more I drank.
I have read that rats who produce more seretontin drink more than rats with low levels.
After I recovered from the recurring depression, therefore my seratotin was up, I did start drinking more.
Of course, none of the whys or whyfors matter. All that matters is I stop.
When I don't drink, I am a happy person, the only thing that throws me back into the mindset that I had from 14 to 36 is drinking.
I don't even understand why I would want to keep putting myself back into that dark place.
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Old 07-02-2016, 04:30 AM
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Originally Posted by August252015 View Post
IME trust is impossible to rebuild when the drinking continues. I didn't trust my mother for a VERY long time after she quit (and I knew when there were relapses, even if the rest of my family said I was imaging things - I KNEW, my radar was so in tune with her**. And it will take plenty of time for my parents (and my brother, which is in some ways a much tougher situation) to trust me. They may only getting to 99% trusting my sobriety because they are parent and worry, because of what I put them through, because they are human and I hurt them desperately.

BUT. I will tell you that no matter how grown your children are, children WANT to be able to forgive parents, and vice versa. Even the angriest, most hurt among us want to be able to trust and love our family. No matter what we say.

But if you are still drinking- no dice.

I hope you can still that inner voice enough to get sober and try for that regain. You have to get sober for you, but as others have said, that trust can come after diligent, consistent, sober ACTION.

I bet it's not too late. And you as well as them will be glad if you all get there.
I hope it's not too late!
I hear what you are saying, I wanted nothing more than my dad to get sober, even though I am an adult.
Trust is a difficult thing, I don't even trust myself at the moment, so I can't blame them for not trusting me.
I do NEED for that nagging voice to stop!
And of course, only I can stop it, because it's me!
I'm such a mess of a human being
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Old 07-02-2016, 05:37 AM
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My NEED to drink was selfish

Yes. Me too. And, guess what? That makes me selfish. Its hard to face the tough realities but like Dr. Phil says, we can't change what we don't acknowledge.
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Old 07-02-2016, 07:33 AM
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No, it makes me selfish in that area, in other areas I am not selfish. I am not drunk 24/7 I have done some good things as well as selfish things. My drinking was selfish.
Giving in to the urge to drink is selfish.
What are you trying to prove by trying to make me feel worse than I already do?
I already acknowledge my drinking is selfish, do you want to make me believe I am a totally bad person all round? What will that do? Bring me to my knees so I will never get up again?
Do you know me? Do you know what I have and haven't done for others?
Yes, me drinking IS SELFISH.
What about all the unselfish things I have done? Does that make me an unselfish person? Or does that just make that act unselfish?
I feel bad about my drinking. Do you want me to feel bad about my whole life?
Whats your point?
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Old 07-02-2016, 08:20 AM
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The point I am making is this..I am a person, I am not "good" I am not "bad" I just "am" I'm just a human. My BEHAVIOUR by drinking..is BAD
The reason I started this thread was because of my BEHAVIOUR of drinking..I am feeling bad, and want to get past it.
I feel this feeling bad about what I have done, is hampering me being able to kick the drink into touch.
The worse I feel about my BEHAVIOUR the worse I feel about myself. The worse I feel about myself, the more disabled I feel in trying to change that BEHAVIOUR.
I am not "selfish" I am a person who acts selfishly by drinking.
Sometimes I act unselfishly that doesn't make me an unselfish person..it makes me someone who BEHAVED unselfishly
I donated some of my eggs to my sister who was having fertility problems, I was going to be a surrogate for her, if she needed it, before I started drinking.
Even though I have suffered very bad post natal depression in the past.
Is that ME being UNSELFISH, or ME doing and unselfish ACT?
Don't label the person by the action Frickaflip..it's very dangerous.
I have noticed a few of you guys around these forums..those that think they are "shooting from the hip"..an excuse to bring people down.
All of you serve no good, make people feel bad, and take pleasure in writing rubbish as fact
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Old 07-02-2016, 08:30 AM
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Advice is given here from a personal perspective. Sometimes it resonates with new posters, sometimes it doesn't. While I do think our addiction likes to make us think "Oh, I have to drink because my situation is so unique and bad," I also believe that there is no one size fits all when it comes to addiction. We are all unique individuals and what works for one won't work for another.

My point is that you can accept or reject online advice, it's up to you. Online forums like this can be a lifesaver when you lack real life support, but it doesn't mean they're perfect.

I would like to gently suggest, though, that when we're still actively drinking we're very easy to offend and our addiction likes it that way just fine. If we get angry at one post or poster, we can then dismiss everything we've been told and get back to our drinking, because we tried and look how that turned out!

The past is gone forever. None of us can change what we did or didn't do and revisiting it and labeling our behavior doesn't change anything, either.

The only thing we all have is today and today I will not drink.

You?
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Old 07-02-2016, 08:50 AM
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Yes Aries
You make sense.
While I apprieciate the time it takes someone to post a reply, I feel bad enough already, you know?
I have done a LOT of work with CBT seperating who I am, from my bad behaviours. Doesn't mean I don't acknowledge I behaved badly, but means it doesn't define me. I am good and bad.
I am trying to turn around the behaviours that make me feel bad..that make other people feel bad.
This thread has helped me a lot. I'm not alone.
What has especially touched me has been peoples stories of watching their parents die still in addiction.
I really don't want my kids to have that added to their list of bad memories of me.
Yes, the past is gone, no changing it.
Have to just get past this..I know it's useless mulling over it.
The only thing we have is today and today I will not drink..yes.
I know I'm seeming needy and like I need carrying. I've never needed carrying in my life. But I admit you lot on here are carrying me now
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Old 07-02-2016, 08:53 AM
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We all need help, in the beginning especially. It's why we're here, to support each other best we can.

Sending you a hug.
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Old 07-02-2016, 09:12 AM
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Thank you
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Old 07-02-2016, 10:59 PM
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Thinking about you, and hope you're doing well, Fripfrop.
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Old 07-03-2016, 03:21 AM
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I'm sober now, thank you for asking JK
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Old 07-03-2016, 03:49 AM
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This is actually the weird thing I find about me.
When I am not drinking (am a binge drinker so have periods where I don't touch the stuff) I try to be the best person I can. I try to be honest, I try to help people, I try to make those around me who are having troubles life easier.
When I drink, I'm just there, in the hole, not thinking, mostly a blackout drinker.
Mostly having to make up to people for the things I would say I would do, then didn't, cos I was out of it.
I won't go into it. But I had a perfect life, perfect. I loved everything about it.
And I didnt drink.
Then because of family troubles, I had to move back to the place I escaped from in the first place.
I just feel trapped and somewhere I don't want to be...but have to be.
I feel just trapped.
I lost a man I loved to death, by choosing to come here
I lost a lifestyle I loved
I just feel trapped in a slum, alone
Is that self pity? Probably
I just don't want to be here
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Old 07-03-2016, 03:57 AM
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What am I still ranting about?
Im still ranting cos that numpty called me selfish.
Thats what Im ranting about.
I had a perfect, sober, life
And through my family(my birth family) needing me I came back
To a place I hate.
I destroyed myself by doing it, and I destroyed him.
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Old 07-03-2016, 04:52 AM
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"Selfish" is just a word. No one here knows you in real life, we only know what you tell us and about our own struggles. Obsessing about one word in dozens of supportive posts kind of focuses on the negative, when there is so much good to be found here.

You can walk out of that prison. It's like the book Shawshank Redemption...by putting down the drink you dig out your escape tunnel a little bit every day.

Give being sober the chance to help you help you?
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Old 07-03-2016, 05:55 AM
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Yes.
The posts here have been overall helpful.
Stop obsessing over the ONE that has beeen not.
Jeez, Im my own worst enemy.
Thanks Aries for giving some perspective.
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Old 07-03-2016, 06:24 AM
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Fripfrop,

I was in your shoes a couple of years ago. Early sobriety was a rough place for me. My brain and body were all out of kilter. I didn't know how to cope and live. I wanted everything fixed right then or to know how relationships were going to work out right then. I was mentally beating the crap out of myself for the past.

I got what I believe was some very good advice back then. It was suggested that I quit worrying so much about my relationships and my past. My main focus should be on sobriety, recovery, and what I can do that is positive right now. Without worrying about how things would work out and with no expectations just be the best father, husband, or friend I could be that day. The one I hadn't been. Focus on recovery and learning how to live happily sober. It took a lot of work on myself. None of it was easy but it was all worth it. Living in self pity is the worst place to be but no one has to stay there.

And as far as negativity. It is your sobriety. Don't let anyone stop you. You are the only person that can determine how this goes. Take everything you can from wherever you can get it to help you. Not just to not drink but to change the way you view and respond to life. An AA meeting might suck but I've always gotten at least one little thing that helps at one. A thread here can be the same way. And do realize as someone else said we can be a little sensitive in early sobriety. And there can be some tough love in recovery. You just have to plow through and come out a winner on the other side.

Hang in there because it is so worth it!
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Old 07-03-2016, 10:26 AM
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Thank you sg.
I think I am wallowing, just didn't like to hear it haha
What you have written, is very uplifting to me.
Thank you again, theres only the future, whatever my past no changing it.
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