I wish it were physical
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
fripfrop,
i am a parent of two grown daughters. and i drank for a lonfg time, and hid it. did they suffer for that? yes, yes they did. instead of going to their softball game, i stayed home. instead of going camping, i...instead of doing..i..
nothing to do with lack of love. and you're right, the urge to keep drinking was nothing like the urge to go and buy a little plant or to have pasta with cheese.
what alcoholism did was to impair my free-choice mechanism.
that is part of the definition of addiction: compulsivity. for whatever reason, be that physical, emotional, psychological.
one of my daughters and i had the conversation about what i "loved more".
it doesn't compute.
love for child is nothing like compulsion to drink again/more.
though i can see that it looks like that; it presents like that.
and my kid did ask how i could keep choosing alcohol over her.
and there is no way for her to entirely grasp that i didn't sit there freely choosing tio get drunk instead of spending time with her.
because i did in fact decide to do that.
over and over.
selfish? self-centered? of course.
if you get and stay sober, it is your best bet to slowly repair some of those relationships, including the one with yourself.
what way are you thinking about to get this done?
i am a parent of two grown daughters. and i drank for a lonfg time, and hid it. did they suffer for that? yes, yes they did. instead of going to their softball game, i stayed home. instead of going camping, i...instead of doing..i..
nothing to do with lack of love. and you're right, the urge to keep drinking was nothing like the urge to go and buy a little plant or to have pasta with cheese.
what alcoholism did was to impair my free-choice mechanism.
that is part of the definition of addiction: compulsivity. for whatever reason, be that physical, emotional, psychological.
one of my daughters and i had the conversation about what i "loved more".
it doesn't compute.
love for child is nothing like compulsion to drink again/more.
though i can see that it looks like that; it presents like that.
and my kid did ask how i could keep choosing alcohol over her.
and there is no way for her to entirely grasp that i didn't sit there freely choosing tio get drunk instead of spending time with her.
because i did in fact decide to do that.
over and over.
selfish? self-centered? of course.
if you get and stay sober, it is your best bet to slowly repair some of those relationships, including the one with yourself.
what way are you thinking about to get this done?
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The Deep South
Posts: 14,636
Originally Posted by fripfrop 
It does,
I just hope that when they see I have quit, they don't think I didn't love them enough to do it then, if I did it when they weren't here with me.
Its hard to articulate.
They will think, if I do it, if you can do it, why didn't you do it then?
And truth be told I think that too
I just hope that when they see I have quit, they don't think I didn't love them enough to do it then, if I did it when they weren't here with me.
Its hard to articulate.
They will think, if I do it, if you can do it, why didn't you do it then?
And truth be told I think that too
If your children aren't addicted they might not understand in the same way. It is hard, I hear, for non-addicts to completely understand.
But, on some level, even as a child, I don't think I felt she didn't 'love' me enough. I mean, at times, I probably doubted.
But, I think I understood it was a larger issue. And as I matured, I definitely understood.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
just to add, frip, that if you keep focusing on what your kids may or may not think in the future, you're spending energy that might be better put to use into getting and staying sober.
it is a good question, and i've asked myself that, too: why could i do it this time? doesn't that mean i could equally have done it way back when???
i have no solid answer.
my own experience is that i tried a gazillion times, with will power and decision and commitment and blahblah...ultimately, i can only say that when i finally could, i did.
not a satisfactory answer, i know.
but the point is: i did.
don't let such questions stop you!
you'll have lots of sober time to ruminate about them, ongoing, if you get and stay sober
it is a good question, and i've asked myself that, too: why could i do it this time? doesn't that mean i could equally have done it way back when???
i have no solid answer.
my own experience is that i tried a gazillion times, with will power and decision and commitment and blahblah...ultimately, i can only say that when i finally could, i did.
not a satisfactory answer, i know.
but the point is: i did.
don't let such questions stop you!
you'll have lots of sober time to ruminate about them, ongoing, if you get and stay sober
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: St. Louis, Mo
Posts: 7,334
Originally Posted by fripfrop
It does,
I just hope that when they see I have quit, they don't think I didn't love them enough to do it then, if I did it when they weren't here with me.
Its hard to articulate.
They will think, if I do it, if you can do it, why didn't you do it then?
And truth be told I think that too
I just hope that when they see I have quit, they don't think I didn't love them enough to do it then, if I did it when they weren't here with me.
Its hard to articulate.
They will think, if I do it, if you can do it, why didn't you do it then?
And truth be told I think that too
I recently started writing letters to my children. Telling them things that I write here sometimes. Telling them special things about each of them. Things that we did that were special when they were growing up. I also tell them about my progress and where I am right now. My kids are aged 28-18 - I have 4. These letters have truly made a difference in our relationships. It didn't start right away. At first I could feel the eyeroll. Now, they look forward to my weekly letter and how many "days" sober I have. They are cheering on my sobriety instead of being angry at my alcoholism.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The Deep South
Posts: 14,636
Originally Posted by Bobbieka
I recently started writing letters to my children. Telling them things that I write here sometimes. Telling them special things about each of them. Things that we did that were special when they were growing up. I also tell them about my progress and where I am right now. My kids are aged 28-18 - I have 4. These letters have truly made a difference in our relationships. It didn't start right away. At first I could feel the eyeroll. Now, they look forward to my weekly letter and how many "days" sober I have. They are cheering on my sobriety instead of being angry at my alcoholism.
I have one of my mom's old journals and a few letters. Hers weren't as nice as yours sound, but they're irreplaceable.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
today would have been my mom's 82nd birthday. wow. she passed away at 58. from alcoholism/liver disease. she never even TRIED to quit, not that i remember. i remember towards the end when the doctor told her flat out that if she drank again, at all, ANY amount of alcohol, it would KILL her. and upon being released from the hospital, she went home and............drank again. and 6 weeks later died a horrible death, liver swollen, skin yellow, in a coma.........i sat there holding her hand as she drew in her very last breath.
i would have given anything in the world to see her get sober.....i never got that opportunity.
i would have given anything in the world to see her get sober.....i never got that opportunity.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
What I'm trying to say in a very clumsy way is..I wish people I love knew, that it wasn't from lack of love for them that I drank
I get this. But all you have is today, period. If your family thinks your drinking was selfish and it made them feel that you chose booze over them, then that's their reality. It doesn't matter what you wish for, or that you don't believe you're selfish. They do.
So logic dictates that if you quit drinking now, especially with the opportunity to be a good grandma, your family will SEE your efforts. This will be the opposite of selfish....and I'm going to guess they will recognize this. It takes time....and I totally understand how hard it is to deal with the guilt....but what other option is there?
Your addiction wants you to believe in the viscous cycle theory...I drink, I hurt my family, they are pushing me away, they don't understand, I feel guilty, I can't bear the pain, I drink. Wash, rinse, repeat. Its completely illogical. Replace the I drink, with I recover. Now that makes sense.
Good luck.
I get this. But all you have is today, period. If your family thinks your drinking was selfish and it made them feel that you chose booze over them, then that's their reality. It doesn't matter what you wish for, or that you don't believe you're selfish. They do.
So logic dictates that if you quit drinking now, especially with the opportunity to be a good grandma, your family will SEE your efforts. This will be the opposite of selfish....and I'm going to guess they will recognize this. It takes time....and I totally understand how hard it is to deal with the guilt....but what other option is there?
Your addiction wants you to believe in the viscous cycle theory...I drink, I hurt my family, they are pushing me away, they don't understand, I feel guilty, I can't bear the pain, I drink. Wash, rinse, repeat. Its completely illogical. Replace the I drink, with I recover. Now that makes sense.
Good luck.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,031
Hi Frip,
I have three kids, and have struggled with sobriety most of my adult life. Today marks six months of sobriety for me, the longest I have been sober other than pregnancy.
I know that I am a better mom, wife, employee sober, and those are all amazing benefits. However, I needed to get sober for me. We have all done things in our past that we regret, however, we cannot go back and change them. Try looking into mindfulness. Staying present has helped me the past six months, and I have no plan to return to drinking.
Life has not been perfect the past few months, my mom has dealt with health issues, work has been crazy, and just this morning I woke up to a very sick cat who will be going to the vet in about an hour.
Each day we have the choice to live life sober, do this for you, and you will see how the benefits fall into the rest of your life as well.
You can do this, and I promise it is worth it.
❤️ Delilah
I have three kids, and have struggled with sobriety most of my adult life. Today marks six months of sobriety for me, the longest I have been sober other than pregnancy.
I know that I am a better mom, wife, employee sober, and those are all amazing benefits. However, I needed to get sober for me. We have all done things in our past that we regret, however, we cannot go back and change them. Try looking into mindfulness. Staying present has helped me the past six months, and I have no plan to return to drinking.
Life has not been perfect the past few months, my mom has dealt with health issues, work has been crazy, and just this morning I woke up to a very sick cat who will be going to the vet in about an hour.
Each day we have the choice to live life sober, do this for you, and you will see how the benefits fall into the rest of your life as well.
You can do this, and I promise it is worth it.
❤️ Delilah
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
i would have given anything in the world to see her get sober.....i never got that opportunity.[/QUOTE]
Hey Anvil
I completely relate to this. I know NOW (and that's important to emphasize) that my father didn't consciously choose alcohol over me. And I'm not sure as a child whether or not I felt he drank because he didn't love me or some such thinking. I just know I didn't feel loved in childhood, period. Both of my parents were very neglectful. But I know NOW they did the best they could. But its very hard to shake that internal child that never got the love she needed.
I too would have been nothing but thrilled and proud if my dad had ever tried to quit....or even acknowledge that he had a problem. Or maybe some kind of, ehem, apology? But that will never happen. He has Werneckes now....and he still drinks. 84. Amazing. And his liver function is good. He could live until he's 90...and he has no idea what's happening around him. Ugh.
Hey Anvil
I completely relate to this. I know NOW (and that's important to emphasize) that my father didn't consciously choose alcohol over me. And I'm not sure as a child whether or not I felt he drank because he didn't love me or some such thinking. I just know I didn't feel loved in childhood, period. Both of my parents were very neglectful. But I know NOW they did the best they could. But its very hard to shake that internal child that never got the love she needed.
I too would have been nothing but thrilled and proud if my dad had ever tried to quit....or even acknowledge that he had a problem. Or maybe some kind of, ehem, apology? But that will never happen. He has Werneckes now....and he still drinks. 84. Amazing. And his liver function is good. He could live until he's 90...and he has no idea what's happening around him. Ugh.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
you're missing the point, frip....apply what i said to THIS statement:
Sometimes I think, even if I was able to stop for good, it's too late to prove anything to them now, they have their own lives.
Sometimes I think, even if I was able to stop for good, it's too late to prove anything to them now, they have their own lives.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Inglind
Posts: 610
Originally Posted by fini
fripfrop,
i am a parent of two grown daughters. and i drank for a lonfg time, and hid it. did they suffer for that? yes, yes they did. instead of going to their softball game, i stayed home. instead of going camping, i...instead of doing..i..
nothing to do with lack of love. and you're right, the urge to keep drinking was nothing like the urge to go and buy a little plant or to have pasta with cheese.
what alcoholism did was to impair my free-choice mechanism.
that is part of the definition of addiction: compulsivity. for whatever reason, be that physical, emotional, psychological.
one of my daughters and i had the conversation about what i "loved more".
it doesn't compute.
love for child is nothing like compulsion to drink again/more.
though i can see that it looks like that; it presents like that.
and my kid did ask how i could keep choosing alcohol over her.
and there is no way for her to entirely grasp that i didn't sit there freely choosing tio get drunk instead of spending time with her.
because i did in fact decide to do that.
over and over.
selfish? self-centered? of course.
if you get and stay sober, it is your best bet to slowly repair some of those relationships, including the one with yourself.
what way are you thinking about to get this done?
i am a parent of two grown daughters. and i drank for a lonfg time, and hid it. did they suffer for that? yes, yes they did. instead of going to their softball game, i stayed home. instead of going camping, i...instead of doing..i..
nothing to do with lack of love. and you're right, the urge to keep drinking was nothing like the urge to go and buy a little plant or to have pasta with cheese.
what alcoholism did was to impair my free-choice mechanism.
that is part of the definition of addiction: compulsivity. for whatever reason, be that physical, emotional, psychological.
one of my daughters and i had the conversation about what i "loved more".
it doesn't compute.
love for child is nothing like compulsion to drink again/more.
though i can see that it looks like that; it presents like that.
and my kid did ask how i could keep choosing alcohol over her.
and there is no way for her to entirely grasp that i didn't sit there freely choosing tio get drunk instead of spending time with her.
because i did in fact decide to do that.
over and over.
selfish? self-centered? of course.
if you get and stay sober, it is your best bet to slowly repair some of those relationships, including the one with yourself.
what way are you thinking about to get this done?
I know there is no answers, but you toally put into words what I cannot
Senior Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Inglind
Posts: 610
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
today would have been my mom's 82nd birthday. wow. she passed away at 58. from alcoholism/liver disease. she never even TRIED to quit, not that i remember. i remember towards the end when the doctor told her flat out that if she drank again, at all, ANY amount of alcohol, it would KILL her. and upon being released from the hospital, she went home and............drank again. and 6 weeks later died a horrible death, liver swollen, skin yellow, in a coma.........i sat there holding her hand as she drew in her very last breath.
i would have given anything in the world to see her get sober.....i never got that opportunity.
i would have given anything in the world to see her get sober.....i never got that opportunity.
I read on the liver disease forums people doing that (through people dying of alcoholism or other liver diseases) I think its just another excuse for myself not to stop.
My dad i s dying at the moment, through his bad lifestyle choices..it's hard to watch and be here.
I seem to be both sides of the coin at the minute, both the carer and the destructor.
Senior Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Inglind
Posts: 610
Originally Posted by Delilah1
Hi Frip,
I have three kids, and have struggled with sobriety most of my adult life. Today marks six months of sobriety for me, the longest I have been sober other than pregnancy.
I know that I am a better mom, wife, employee sober, and those are all amazing benefits. However, I needed to get sober for me. We have all done things in our past that we regret, however, we cannot go back and change them. Try looking into mindfulness. Staying present has helped me the past six months, and I have no plan to return to drinking.
Life has not been perfect the past few months, my mom has dealt with health issues, work has been crazy, and just this morning I woke up to a very sick cat who will be going to the vet in about an hour.
Each day we have the choice to live life sober, do this for you, and you will see how the benefits fall into the rest of your life as well.
You can do this, and I promise it is worth it.
❤️ Delilah
I have three kids, and have struggled with sobriety most of my adult life. Today marks six months of sobriety for me, the longest I have been sober other than pregnancy.
I know that I am a better mom, wife, employee sober, and those are all amazing benefits. However, I needed to get sober for me. We have all done things in our past that we regret, however, we cannot go back and change them. Try looking into mindfulness. Staying present has helped me the past six months, and I have no plan to return to drinking.
Life has not been perfect the past few months, my mom has dealt with health issues, work has been crazy, and just this morning I woke up to a very sick cat who will be going to the vet in about an hour.
Each day we have the choice to live life sober, do this for you, and you will see how the benefits fall into the rest of your life as well.
You can do this, and I promise it is worth it.
❤️ Delilah
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 936
Originally Posted by thomas11
I'm not a parent either, but I will add this. I know my father loves me, but he loves his whiskey just as much. Not more, but just as much. And it has caused tremendous heartache throughout the years. Its complicated, so I can see where you are coming from.
Alcoholism and addiction is a mental illness. The American Medical Association declared alcoholism a disease in the 1950s. The Doctor's Opinion in the prefix to the big book of alcoholics anonymous does a beautiful job in explaining the physical allergy to alcohol, the mind obsession with it/mental part, and the spiritual malady.
It's very hard for people who didn't go through it themselves to understand because what it looks like to the outsider, is very deceiving.
Someone recently posted on SR that it's like continuing day after day to go to a restaurant to eat and you get food poisoning every single time. That's the insanity of it all.
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: California, USA
Posts: 625
Originally Posted by fripfrop
Yes, I would soo like to be sober..just to prove to myself I can. And to see again, what I could do when I am x
With an attitude tweak from "I would like to be sober" to "I will not drink" you can be on your way to defeating alcohol. DO it!
Senior Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Inglind
Posts: 610
Originally Posted by JK130
You CAN be sober Frip! You can have a sort of "redo" with your grandchild. Without alcohol on board, your children will begin to trust you to care for their baby. How cool is that!
With an attitude tweak from "I would like to be sober" to "I will not drink" you can be on your way to defeating alcohol. DO it!
With an attitude tweak from "I would like to be sober" to "I will not drink" you can be on your way to defeating alcohol. DO it!
But I'm sure my grown kids must be thinking in the back of their minds "If you don't drink with the grandkids, why did you drink when you were "looking after" us
I'm finding it very hard to let go of past regrets, even though I know I have to, to be able to move on.
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