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Old 02-28-2016, 11:19 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Getting back on the horse.


Literally!

Reading back the last thread I posted, almost a year ago, it seems foreign, I don't remember being that positive. Life caved in on me afterwards.

It started by finding an emaciated orphan foal, left to die in a filthy shed. Took the little boy home with me and gave him all I had, but it wasn't enough. Shattered my heart and soul.

A couple of days later I found a hatchling blackbird being stalked by a neighborhood stray cat, took him in as well. He kept me sober and somewhat sane through the next two months. Then this horrible day, a day before I was going to release my brave and healthy birdie into the wild, I woke up after dreaming about my baby pony, bawled my eyes out and didn't pay enough attention. Birdie got stuck and died within seconds, and I just...

I caved at day 88, because I was the worst person in the world, killing my own babies for heavens sake and I had to take myself down. In the following daze I got my eviction notice (due in 4 months), got in a fight with my then-boyfriend where he got physically and mentally abusive, he still won't leave me alone, my mother betrayed me for the umpteenth time, then my big ol' horse just dropped dead, and my bunny a couple of days later. I deserved every last bit of the pain before I would ultimately take myself out for good.

Yet every day I had to drag myself back to the meadow because someone was still waiting for me. Someone was still happy to see me, and how could I not cheer up even the slightest when she calls out the moment she sees her mommy. How could I ever abandon her?


So here I am, trying once more. I think it's obvious to which higher power I answer. And yes, they will die on me, and I will have to go on as so many tiny creatures with big hearts depend on and deserve my really being here. I am beginning to recognize the inner voice (my mom) that tells me I will mess up at every turn, that self fulfilling prophecy, and telling it softly that it is probably wrong and I will at least try to be better. Usually my inner critic would start shouting and screaming if I talked back to it but I won't take it anymore and it's already mellowing. My dear friend, who I talk to on the phone for hours every day, is a great help in this as she is very vocal of her appreciation for me, and I love her so.

At the dawning of day 8 I am looking forward to a sunny day to spend with the loves of my life. Things are changing. Just when I was convinced I would be homeless and would lose everything I care about, my dad offered to help me buy my own home. Codependent much? I know, but what are you gonna do? He's my hero. And the day before yesterday I was asked to care for a beautiful and sweet horse (pics will follow) that lives with my parents, as she has healed miraculously from a leg injury, to try and get her back under the saddle.

So I dust myself off and will get back on the horse. Cautiously, but with some confidence that it won't buck and throw me off if I treat it right.

Since I don't get much help with the addictions, I hope to be around here every day. Alcohol and pot are down, nicotine and caffeine have yet to go. I am only beginning to learn how to take care of myself at 33 so yeah... Long way to go but I will make it so I don't have to go at it alone this time.

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Old 02-28-2016, 11:30 PM   #2 (permalink)
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I'm glad you're back Evienne

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Old 02-28-2016, 11:41 PM   #3 (permalink)
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I'm glad you're back working on your recovery again.
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Old 02-28-2016, 11:47 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Thanks Dee and least, I'm very pleased to be back. And I will try to stick around this time.

I have already found several sweet sober people to spend some time with, oh boy, how they differ from my drinking buddies. But I have a tendency to ignore problems and hope they will go away on their own, and addiction doesn't seem to respond well to that. I don't want to be a dry drunk, so I will try to push myself to reach out more.
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Old 02-29-2016, 01:32 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Old 02-29-2016, 05:19 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Welcome back
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All the study in the world - and all the subjective hierarchies - won't get people sober. . .

Only action can do that."


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Old 02-29-2016, 02:42 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Welcome back Evienne!!
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Old 02-29-2016, 02:48 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Welcome back, Evienne; it's really good to see you working on your sobriety again.
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Old 02-29-2016, 02:53 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Glad to see you back Evienne
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Old 02-29-2016, 02:59 PM   #10 (permalink)
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It's good to see you back, Evienne and that you're starting to work on some of the issues and problems.
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Old 02-29-2016, 03:24 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Hello Evienne,

You must have a very big heart to care for those beautiful animals.
Bless you!

Please take care of yourself too.

Will you join the March class for additional support?
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Old 03-01-2016, 09:57 PM   #12 (permalink)
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It feels like a warm blanket to be welcomed back like this

Yes, Bandicoot, I think I will join the class. Thank you so much for your kind words.

This horse I get to ride has already proven herself to be a real challenge. She has all this excess energy she has to get rid of without pressuring her hurt leg too much and she doesn't really trust me yet. I can't think of a better reason to stay sober and dust off what's left of my brain. I am dirt poor so I have to spend my money on horse psych books instead of booze. Scarier even, I'm going to have to ask some people for help and guidance, which I can practice right here.

And since it is not my horse I MUST prove that I can be trusted.

Funny things happened though, even after 9 days. People have been asking me for advice on their pets, and for themselves. It has happened three times already and it feels totally weird, foreign, and a bit undeserved.

I'm just not feeling very proud of myself yet. I never did, but I never did much to warrant pride, or I countered it with something to be terribly ashamed of. If I don't feel proud of getting sober, and helping people, I am afraid I will succumb sometime soon when things get difficult. I have no one near me that pats me on the head for sobriety but you guys. So how would I begin to feel this? Will it come naturally with more sober time and goals achieved?
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Old 03-01-2016, 10:17 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Xoxo (((( hug))))
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Old 03-01-2016, 10:18 PM   #14 (permalink)
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People have been asking me for advice on their pets, and for themselves. It has happened three times already and it feels totally weird, foreign, and a bit undeserved.
Maybe that's because people (that include us) see something in you that you cannot see in yourself yet?
Stay with us this time, we will love you until you learn to love yourself.
Give your hoofed baby a big kiss from me. I love horses and I used to ride a lot when I was younger.
I hope you will join us at the 24 hours recovery connections. The thread is still around (part 112 now) and it is still fun and very supportive
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...art-112-a.html
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Old 03-01-2016, 11:35 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Welcome back Evienne and congratulations on 9 days. I'm really glad that you are looking after yourself and that is great news about your dad too
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Old 03-02-2016, 12:26 AM   #16 (permalink)
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Hugs to you too Jsbodhi!

Thanks Carlotta, I will try to check in every day and I will give my baby an extra kiss today. True, I don't see it in myself and never did. Growing up I was taught I wasn't good the way I was and I have to undo that damage, but I've seen in others that it can be done.

saoutchik, thanks, my dad is awesome indeed. I was mortified thinking I would be homeless after my relationship ended. It's a rainy and cold day and I get to spend it by looking at houses and planning viewings. And the only drugs I'm taking are supplements to try and undo the damage alcohol and pot did. Food is still an issue, I'm so used to my calories coming from a bottle!
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Old 03-02-2016, 05:11 AM   #17 (permalink)
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You obviously are a sensitive soul. Welcome back.

For whatever reason I am one of those people that finds strays and injured animals fairly regularly. It can be heart breaking. I have found a bird refuge that takes injured ducks and other birds, a possum refuge and no kill shelters for dogs and cats in my area. Maybe the next time you find an animal in need, look for shelters or talk to your local vet. They may be able to take the burden off of you so you don't have to suffer that kind of loss. And they are simply better equipped to handle them.
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Old 03-02-2016, 08:28 AM   #18 (permalink)
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Hi Frickaflip, yeah I don't get how most people just don't notice. You are one of the good guys.

I actually called a bird shelter and they said it was best to put him back where I found him as they were flooded. Obviously, I couldn't.

And with the foal, it happened so fast and it seems like a dream. Didn't even think to give him to a refuge, my vet coached me through and trusted me to be the best mommy I could be, but he was just too damaged. I only had him for a day, but that day I felt like my presence on this planet really mattered. Hadn't felt like that in a loooong time, if ever. Too bad the pain lasts to this day. This goes hand in hand with my lack of self love: I feel I did everything wrong while rationally I know I didn't. But mostly I can't understand how he was just left to die there, and how this still goes on at lots of farms where animals are mere commodities.

Goes without saying that I am better prepared for next springs birdies. It was so much fun caring for him and watching him grow, and his death was a tragic accident, from which I learned a lot. I am looking for a new home and it can be tiny, but has to have plenty of room to make shelter for lost souls.

C'est ma raison d'être...
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Old 03-02-2016, 10:08 AM   #19 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Evienne View Post
I'm just not feeling very proud of myself yet. I never did, but I never did much to warrant pride, or I countered it with something to be terribly ashamed of. If I don't feel proud of getting sober, and helping people, I am afraid I will succumb sometime soon when things get difficult. I have no one near me that pats me on the head for sobriety but you guys. So how would I begin to feel this? Will it come naturally with more sober time and goals achieved?
Welcome back Evienne! I too share your love for horses and dogs (and all animals really)...

Spending SOBER time with my horse has been very therapeutic for me. By that, I mean not hung over, giving only a small part of myself to him...but being there for him fully present and more emotionally "full" for him.

You mentioned concerns about feeling proud of yourself. It is so easy for us to treat ourselves in ways we would NEVER treat a friend (in our negative self-talk, etc.).

I have not felt any self-worth or anything to be proud of for so many years…because of drinking. I can tell you that every day that I wake up sober, I feel an amazing sense of accomplishment and happiness that I am not dealing with the shame of drinking the night before, or not remembering and the list goes on.

The last few Friday’s have been so healing for me…I have spent the witching hours with my horse…just hanging out with him enjoying each other’s company and giving my whole self to spending time with him and not wanting to rush home so I could drink.

I’m finding the more that I make these “good choices”, the better I feel about myself. I hope you hang in there and give the “real” things in your life the attention they deserve and give yourself a chance to feel how wonderful that can be!
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Old 03-02-2016, 10:14 AM   #20 (permalink)
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Welcome back Evienne. You can pull your self out of this hole and we will help.

Glad you made your way back to us.
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