Reading back the last thread I posted, almost a year ago, it seems foreign, I don't remember being that positive. Life caved in on me afterwards.
It started by finding an emaciated orphan foal, left to die in a filthy shed. Took the little boy home with me and gave him all I had, but it wasn't enough. Shattered my heart and soul.
A couple of days later I found a hatchling blackbird being stalked by a neighborhood stray cat, took him in as well. He kept me sober and somewhat sane through the next two months. Then this horrible day, a day before I was going to release my brave and healthy birdie into the wild, I woke up after dreaming about my baby pony, bawled my eyes out and didn't pay enough attention. Birdie got stuck and died within seconds, and I just...
I caved at day 88, because I was the worst person in the world, killing my own babies for heavens sake and I had to take myself down. In the following daze I got my eviction notice (due in 4 months), got in a fight with my then-boyfriend where he got physically and mentally abusive, he still won't leave me alone, my mother betrayed me for the umpteenth time, then my big ol' horse just dropped dead, and my bunny a couple of days later. I deserved every last bit of the pain before I would ultimately take myself out for good.
Yet every day I had to drag myself back to the meadow because someone was still waiting for me. Someone was still happy to see me, and how could I not cheer up even the slightest when she calls out the moment she sees her mommy. How could I ever abandon her?
So here I am, trying once more. I think it's obvious to which higher power I answer. And yes, they will die on me, and I will have to go on as so many tiny creatures with big hearts depend on and deserve my really being here. I am beginning to recognize the inner voice (my mom) that tells me I will mess up at every turn, that self fulfilling prophecy, and telling it softly that it is probably wrong and I will at least try to be better. Usually my inner critic would start shouting and screaming if I talked back to it but I won't take it anymore and it's already mellowing. My dear friend, who I talk to on the phone for hours every day, is a great help in this as she is very vocal of her appreciation for me, and I love her so.
At the dawning of day 8 I am looking forward to a sunny day to spend with the loves of my life. Things are changing. Just when I was convinced I would be homeless and would lose everything I care about, my dad offered to help me buy my own home. Codependent much? I know, but what are you gonna do? He's my hero.
And the day before yesterday I was asked to care for a beautiful and sweet horse (pics will follow) that lives with my parents, as she has healed miraculously from a leg injury, to try and get her back under the saddle.
So I dust myself off and will get back on the horse. Cautiously, but with some confidence that it won't buck and throw me off if I treat it right.
Since I don't get much help with the addictions, I hope to be around here every day. Alcohol and pot are down, nicotine and caffeine have yet to go. I am only beginning to learn how to take care of myself at 33 so yeah... Long way to go but I will make it so I don't have to go at it alone this time.