Coming and going, coming and going
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
Coming and going, coming and going
I am all over the place with my emotions and stability. Yesterday I was on a big high from meeting with my psychiatrist, even if we talked about some deep, difficult things, I still felt good and strong. Today not so much. I am back into a depressive hole and just want to sleep forever.
I had invited some sober friends for dinner tonight but they can't make it so my boyfriend invited other, drinking friends. I am still on the fence with my boyfriend. He comes tome and tells me how much he loves me and wants to be with me but I don't know what I want anymore. I'm so lonely though, I have periodically accepted his company a few times over the past few weeks. We had planned this dinner as one of his clients, a hunter, gave him some wild boar meat. It is a ton of meat and my god is it ever delicious. So when my sober friends cancelled he invited other friends. However, they will be bringing wine. I am putting my faith in my strong desire to stay sober. I will have my kids here tonight. They are bringing their new son, a delightful boy they adopted from China at 5 years old! Can you even imagine the love, the huge hearts and extreme patience they have to have done such a thing? He has been their son for 6 months now and is starting to communicate in Italian. They are not big drinkers, particularly now with their son, but I am a bit thrown off by this dinner now.
I think it is the depression. If I were feeling better I'd be fine with a one off dinner where some people were drinking in my home. But I just feel so low that I am annoyed to have to deal with it.
A saving grace is that my oldest son has his very first football (soccer) match tomorrow at 9am. We have to be up, have a good, solid breakfast, and be there on time. I need to stay sober in order to ensure that all goes smoothly.
Just reaching out here to reach out. I'm feeling very alone as I often do and just want to connect. The only thing I am remotely excited about is the wild boar. Such a nice gift.
Also, is anyone here adopted or do you have adopted children? I am not sure how to explain to my sons why this boy of similar age to them will have a hard time communicating with them. I think it is going to go just fine. During the summers I regularly take them along as I check in foreign guests in my rental properties and they get on just fine with other kids who don't speak English or Italian. But I just want to make sure I handle this perfectly. I know it is a sensitive issue for the parents and the child. I've read those articles about what you should never say to an adoptive parent and I won't make those mistakes, but I want to be sure to answer any questions honestly but compassionately.
I had invited some sober friends for dinner tonight but they can't make it so my boyfriend invited other, drinking friends. I am still on the fence with my boyfriend. He comes tome and tells me how much he loves me and wants to be with me but I don't know what I want anymore. I'm so lonely though, I have periodically accepted his company a few times over the past few weeks. We had planned this dinner as one of his clients, a hunter, gave him some wild boar meat. It is a ton of meat and my god is it ever delicious. So when my sober friends cancelled he invited other friends. However, they will be bringing wine. I am putting my faith in my strong desire to stay sober. I will have my kids here tonight. They are bringing their new son, a delightful boy they adopted from China at 5 years old! Can you even imagine the love, the huge hearts and extreme patience they have to have done such a thing? He has been their son for 6 months now and is starting to communicate in Italian. They are not big drinkers, particularly now with their son, but I am a bit thrown off by this dinner now.
I think it is the depression. If I were feeling better I'd be fine with a one off dinner where some people were drinking in my home. But I just feel so low that I am annoyed to have to deal with it.
A saving grace is that my oldest son has his very first football (soccer) match tomorrow at 9am. We have to be up, have a good, solid breakfast, and be there on time. I need to stay sober in order to ensure that all goes smoothly.
Just reaching out here to reach out. I'm feeling very alone as I often do and just want to connect. The only thing I am remotely excited about is the wild boar. Such a nice gift.
Also, is anyone here adopted or do you have adopted children? I am not sure how to explain to my sons why this boy of similar age to them will have a hard time communicating with them. I think it is going to go just fine. During the summers I regularly take them along as I check in foreign guests in my rental properties and they get on just fine with other kids who don't speak English or Italian. But I just want to make sure I handle this perfectly. I know it is a sensitive issue for the parents and the child. I've read those articles about what you should never say to an adoptive parent and I won't make those mistakes, but I want to be sure to answer any questions honestly but compassionately.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 80
Sounds like your in the right place. I have depression, and I know it effected my mood. I wish you the best, and I found that talking to my Dr. helped a lot. I am on here for Nicotine, as I dont really drink anymore anyways. But this forum has helped me a lot , and im sure you will get some great advice and suggestions. If you havent, maybe have a talk with your Dr. I think this too shall pass, God bless and good luck!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
Thanks a lot guskasb, it feels good to be supported. I only recently started with the meds and I know they need a bit of time to straighten out, so I am trying to be patient. I quit smoking on the 2nd of January but recently picked it up again due to some major stress. It was a bad idea, I felt so much better not smoking. I have plans to quit again but am making alcohol my first priority.
Adventurer
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Tuxedo Park, NY
Posts: 1,101
I understand how depression can over take you sometimes and all you want to do is sleep.
Early on in my recovery I made sure I had no alcohol around at all. If it was my house, dinner, party then none of it was allowed. If I was going to go somewhere else and it was going to be there then I did not go.
Later on in my recovery I accepted I would eventually have to deal with an occasional run in with other people drinking. I have now become more comfortable with people around me drinking but it took a while. It has been a hard road but early on keeping it away 100% helped me a lot.
It is your life choose what is best for you and don't let others decide for you.
Early on in my recovery I made sure I had no alcohol around at all. If it was my house, dinner, party then none of it was allowed. If I was going to go somewhere else and it was going to be there then I did not go.
Later on in my recovery I accepted I would eventually have to deal with an occasional run in with other people drinking. I have now become more comfortable with people around me drinking but it took a while. It has been a hard road but early on keeping it away 100% helped me a lot.
It is your life choose what is best for you and don't let others decide for you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
I feel that way, i really do. I DO NOT want alcohol in my house. I'd like to say I am strong enough to handle it but I am not, I just can't deal with it. I am so frustrated that this simple wish cannot be respected.
I started smoking again. Horrible. I was doing so well and it also helped with dealing with alcohol as the two went hand in hand. But with the stress I recently faced I gave in and started smoking. Anyway, neither here nor there.... I went today to the bar to buy cigarettes. I saw some totally random people who made me feel worthwhile and whole and I had a glass of wine. I immediately regretted it and came home. The road home is really short, maybe a kilometre or two, but it is very narrow and curvy. I came across a car who took a wide turn at a curve and I had to swerve wide to avoid it. I saw the drop off and at the next turn I had the feeling that I just wanted to drive off the cliff and die. This scared me. I sometimes do feel like I want to die but I'd never do that to my kids. I want to be alive and be a good mother to them. But this brief flash of almost doing it really frightened me.
I started smoking again. Horrible. I was doing so well and it also helped with dealing with alcohol as the two went hand in hand. But with the stress I recently faced I gave in and started smoking. Anyway, neither here nor there.... I went today to the bar to buy cigarettes. I saw some totally random people who made me feel worthwhile and whole and I had a glass of wine. I immediately regretted it and came home. The road home is really short, maybe a kilometre or two, but it is very narrow and curvy. I came across a car who took a wide turn at a curve and I had to swerve wide to avoid it. I saw the drop off and at the next turn I had the feeling that I just wanted to drive off the cliff and die. This scared me. I sometimes do feel like I want to die but I'd never do that to my kids. I want to be alive and be a good mother to them. But this brief flash of almost doing it really frightened me.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,528
Mera, this is just me, but I wouldn't let my boyfriend talk me into serving alcohol in my home, if I didn't want to. We never keep or serve alcohol here and I like it that way. I really hope the depression begins to clear but have faith and you may need to try a different med at some point, but I really hope you get some good results.
As for the adopted child, kids have a way of understanding each other whether or not they speak the same language. It's my experience that they find a way to communicate with each other. I always love Marie Osmond's line, yes, some of my children are adopted, but I don't remember which ones.
As for the adopted child, kids have a way of understanding each other whether or not they speak the same language. It's my experience that they find a way to communicate with each other. I always love Marie Osmond's line, yes, some of my children are adopted, but I don't remember which ones.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: California
Posts: 1,428
Mera, I feel for you. I have been there and truly believed I could only be sad the rest of my life. I saw no way out. First time was very bad, and I survived only because of meds for a year.
Last year when I couldn't get past 5 days sober I went to a psych, started meds again and felt much better in a few weeks. Mera, the sadness is temporary, hang on to that. The sadness is temporary....I will be happy again. Repeat, repeat. And you will. Maybe not today but you will. ((Mera))
Last year when I couldn't get past 5 days sober I went to a psych, started meds again and felt much better in a few weeks. Mera, the sadness is temporary, hang on to that. The sadness is temporary....I will be happy again. Repeat, repeat. And you will. Maybe not today but you will. ((Mera))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
I hear you Anna, I don't want it and cannot handle it. I have no idea why he doesn't respect that. I have said time and time again "I am an alcoholic" yet he can't handle this issue. He says "I love you, I love you no matter what" but what if I don't love myself no matter what??? I have even trie to make him see the consequences. I have gotten so drunk, out of control and he just sees me, says "you are drunk, I'll see you tomorrow" then calls me up the next day "ciao amore, come stai?" not even caring. I cannot deal with this!!!!! I cannot!
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Sending you a hug.
I know you know this, so forgive me for stating the obvious...every time you drink you wake up all the addicted parts of your brain. They wake up and then start looking around for the next fix and start making you miserable so that you'll get another.
I have been to Italy a few times and I sympathize with how culturally engrained wine is there. But I also recall that espresso is, too?
Sending you another hug.
P.S. How's Jack?
I know you know this, so forgive me for stating the obvious...every time you drink you wake up all the addicted parts of your brain. They wake up and then start looking around for the next fix and start making you miserable so that you'll get another.
I have been to Italy a few times and I sympathize with how culturally engrained wine is there. But I also recall that espresso is, too?
Sending you another hug.
P.S. How's Jack?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
The thing that scares me the most is that I am ready to commit suicide. I just want to die. I CANNOT do that to my kids, I cannot. Yet..... yet... I want to. I just want to be done with this. I am full of all his stress and cannot take a single second more. I just want to go away. I am a **** person though and through and I cannot comprehend how I can go on for any more time.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
I am such a ******** person. I try to type nice and be nice but in the end I suck so bad. I am such a **** person. I've done my best but it is time to admit that I totally suck. I've tried to help her, be present and contribute, but everything I say and do is worthless. I am a total joke.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
I'd like to share something with you all, this is me a few years ago when I was healthy and happy. I like this picture because I feel it is the best ever picture taken of me. I am proud of it and feel good. But now I am a total MESS. I am disgusting. I hate myself and hate everyone and hate life and hate hate hate.
I could see peace instead of this
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Canada, eh
Posts: 2,360
Originally Posted by Meraviglioso 
I feel that way, i really do. I DO NOT want alcohol in my house. I'd like to say I am strong enough to handle it but I am not, I just can't deal with it. I am so frustrated that this simple wish cannot be respected.
I started smoking again. Horrible. I was doing so well and it also helped with dealing with alcohol as the two went hand in hand. But with the stress I recently faced I gave in and started smoking. Anyway, neither here nor there.... I went today to the bar to buy cigarettes. I saw some totally random people who made me feel worthwhile and whole and I had a glass of wine. I immediately regretted it and came home. The road home is really short, maybe a kilometre or two, but it is very narrow and curvy. I came across a car who took a wide turn at a curve and I had to swerve wide to avoid it. I saw the drop off and at the next turn I had the feeling that I just wanted to drive off the cliff and die. This scared me. I sometimes do feel like I want to die but I'd never do that to my kids. I want to be alive and be a good mother to them. But this brief flash of almost doing it really frightened me.
I started smoking again. Horrible. I was doing so well and it also helped with dealing with alcohol as the two went hand in hand. But with the stress I recently faced I gave in and started smoking. Anyway, neither here nor there.... I went today to the bar to buy cigarettes. I saw some totally random people who made me feel worthwhile and whole and I had a glass of wine. I immediately regretted it and came home. The road home is really short, maybe a kilometre or two, but it is very narrow and curvy. I came across a car who took a wide turn at a curve and I had to swerve wide to avoid it. I saw the drop off and at the next turn I had the feeling that I just wanted to drive off the cliff and die. This scared me. I sometimes do feel like I want to die but I'd never do that to my kids. I want to be alive and be a good mother to them. But this brief flash of almost doing it really frightened me.
Those thoughts of ending it came to me once while walking across a bridge; something started telling me to just climb up on the railing and just step off. It frightened me enough that I called my husband and talked to him until I was across on the other side.
I've been through periodic depressions, but in my case many of them were because I needed to pay attention to something in my life that was causing that sense of hopelessness and sadness. For me, it's a sign that something either needs to be accepted or changed. The depression came from my feeling like I was unable to do either.
Hang on and keep thinking of all the reasons you do want to be here. You know the people here all understand. You sound like a beautiful person with a gentle spirit.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 4,860
Mera, we care for you deeply here.
It is difficult when, during the hardest of times, we are limited by the constraints of being an online community.
Please listen to Anna. You don't need to carry this all on your own shoulders in real life. Go to an ER and let yourself be helped. When times are this painful, the best thing to do is get help from professionals.
Things seem dark right now. You have to remember it won't always feel this way and the sooner you get help, the sooner the clouds will part.
It is difficult when, during the hardest of times, we are limited by the constraints of being an online community.
Please listen to Anna. You don't need to carry this all on your own shoulders in real life. Go to an ER and let yourself be helped. When times are this painful, the best thing to do is get help from professionals.
Things seem dark right now. You have to remember it won't always feel this way and the sooner you get help, the sooner the clouds will part.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Deep in the heart of Texas
Posts: 1,736
Originally Posted by Anna
Mera, please get help now, go to an ER and take care of yourself for the sake of your children, please. Get help.
Love you, sweet friend.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
