Meraviglioso

I want to die and it is honestly the best. The only, only thing that keeps from doing it is my kids. I don't want them to go on without a mother. But what a disgusying mother!!! I seriously jusyVOMITED on myself!!!!!!!

sva777

What happened Mera that put you in such a bad place you seemed to be feeling more confident earlier this morning.

We are all here for you.

Opivotal

Meraviglioso, can you click on the Chat Room? (upper right corner)

I can chat with you privately, one on one.

Anna

Mera, you are risking losing your children by possibly doing something to harm yourself. Call your new psychiatrist or go to an ER. You need help today, sweetie.

sva777

Mera are you still drinking? Did you have more to drink after you went to the bar?

desertsong

Mera, I am so sorry for the pain you are going through. It really radiates through your posts.

I don't know what to say other than to remind you of something you posted in a thread I started awhile back, asking everyone how they got their user names. Here is what you posted about your username:

Meraviglioso/Wonderful

E vero, credetemi è accaduto/ it's true, believe me, it happened
di notte su di un ponte/ one night on a bridge
guardando l'acqua scura/ while I was looking at the dark waters
con la dannata voglia/ feeling the damned impulse
di fare un tuffo giù uh/ to dive into them
D'un tratto qualcuno alle mie spalle/ suddenly someone behind me
forse un angelo/ perhaps an angel
vestito da passante/ disguised as a passer-by
mi portò via dicendomi/ took me away saying
Così: Meraviglioso/this: wonderful
ma come non ti accorgi/ can't you see
di quanto il mondo sia/ how the world is
meraviglioso/ wonderful
Meraviglioso/ wonderful
perfino il tuo dolore/ even your sorrow
potrà guarire poi/ could heal someday
meraviglioso/ wonderful
Ma guarda intorno a te/ take a look around you
che doni ti hanno fatto:/ at all the gifts they offered you
ti hanno inventato il mare eh/ they invented the sea for you
Tu dici non ho niente/ you say you have nothing
Ti sembra niente il sole!/ does the sun seem nothing to you
La vita,l'amore/ and what about life, love
meraviglioso/ wonderful
il bene di una donna/ the love of a woman
che ama solo te/ who loves only you
meraviglioso/ wonderful
La luce di un mattino/ the light of the morning
labbraccio di un amico/ the hug of a friend
il viso di un bambino/ the face of a child
meraviglioso/ wonderful
meraviglioso/ wonderful
Ma guarda intorno a te/ take a look around you
che doni ti hanno fatto:/ at all the gifts they offered you
ti hanno inventato il mare eh/ they invented the sea for you
Tu dici non ho niente/ you say you have nothing
Ti sembra niente il sole!/ does the sun seem nothing to you
La vita,l'amore/ and what about life, love
meraviglioso/ wonderful
La notte era finita/ th night was over
e ti sentivo ancora/ and i could still feel you
Sapore della vita/ taste of life
meraviglioso/ wonderful

I can only tell you, in these difficult moments, to read these words that you posted and BELIEVE them. They meant enough to you that you chose this as your name. I'm sure there must be a small part of you that still believes this. Your life can, is, and will be wonderful because you have people who love you, you have beautiful children, and you are still walking this earth even though you may not want to right now. Many of us have been where you are right now, but we overcame and are still here. That alone should give you hope.

You are loved, you are worthy, you are special, and you deserve happiness. Please don't give up. These awful days WILL pass. Let us love you and care for you until you can do it for yourself.

Opivotal

Meraviglioso, click on the Chat Room.

I'll be there waiting for you.

Meraviglioso

Oh desertsing, you have no idea how you have helped me to go on, thank you, a million times, thank you.

Meraviglioso

This song helps me go on.

Ariesagain

Sweetie, please let Opivotal help you, okay?

I haven't told you this before, but I want to now. My father's mother killed herself when he was nine years old, leaving behind three young children and their father. She killed herself because she was pregnant again and she felt she had no alternative. His father was then arrested for suspicion of murder and the kids were put in foster care for several months before he was exonerated.

This trauma has affected my father's mental and emotional health his entire life, and in turn caused him to be abusive to his wife and children. To this day it haunts him and affects the rest of the family and he is 92 years old.

You are too good a mother to leave your children with this legacy. They will know.

Call those numbers or go to chat, please?

Meraviglioso

Ok, I am here, I swear. My doctor yesterday helped explain a word in Italina I kept saying "promesso" to indicate "I promise that I have" and he explained that in Italian "Promoso" in Italian means something in the present. To talk about something in the future you need to say "ti guro" Which I learned to mean. I am a mess. I want to be better. Help me help me.

Meraviglioso

I didn't; explain that well. "promesso" means a future promise, like "I promise I won't drink the next week" "Ti guro" means something in the past, like "ti guro" I haven't drank the last week.

Meraviglioso

I am dying here alone. Yet something in me wants to survive.

Delizadee

Mera, I have been where you are. For well over a year I lived in that hell. And many other times throughout my life. As young as 10 years old. The drink makes it worse. My first week sober was tough but being drunk and suicidal was much, much tougher.

Hang in there ok. Go to chat. This is fixable. I am sending you so much love and hugs across the oceans. <3 <3 <3

Opivotal

Why isn't your Mother coming, Meraviglioso?

desertsong

There is definitely something in you that wants to survive. If there weren't, you wouldn't be here reaching out for help. That speaks volumes. Reach deep inside yourself for that survivor who is still whispering in your ear. She's there and she wants to live. For herself, for her children, and for her future. And she DOES have a future.

Delizadee

I have a bit of a problem with what your doctor said to you as well. My dear, I feared the same thing when I was at the point you are at right now. New meds, a terrible relapse, and wanting it all to end. The doctors are there to HELP. If they don't help, keep trying, go somewhere else.

I dropped my older two children off in the fall with their father so I could get myself the help I needed. I was slapped with a court order right before Christmas granting their father interim custody. I was devastated. I felt the same way you do now. I didn't know how I could possibly survive without my children.

Now, my daughter won't talk to me, my son wants to be back with me, and I have my youngest one with me. I am sober and clear headed and the pain of being on new meds and drinking has disappeared. Legally I have to take the steps to have my children back with me. And I want to. It was very rough going. I chose to drink myself through the worst of those feelings, but I am ok now.

It was very hard for me to hear over and over that it was in mine and the kids' best interests that I take care of myself and do what I needed to get better, no matter what happened. Now I have accepted that I'm never going to be a perfect mom, but I can be the best mom I can be by taking care of myself.
And part of that, in the rough times, meant using EVERY tool available to me. I spent a lot of time in hospital. I had to have safe places and safe people.

You matter very much to a lot of people. Things will get better if you keep allowing that survivor's voice to speak up and open your mind up to anything that can help. I know you are hurting so much right now. Keep leaning on those who are strong enough to support you. SO much love to you.

Anna

I've removed a couple of posts.

Meraviglioso

Hi Anna, I saw you removed some posts. I imagine they were mean and though Ideserve it I appreciate your efferots. I am a total mess but I also look out for my kids and ask for their father or the nanny to care for them when I can't.

ScottFromWI

If you are truly wanting to look out for your kids you will call someone immediately and get checked in someplace where you can recieve the treatment you so desparately need. You've had multiple blackout binges in the past few weeks and you are not capable of even taking care of yourself, much less children. Your drunken threads here may seem therapeutic at the time, but you need help far above and beyond what an online forum can provide at this time.