Coming and going, coming and going
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,528
Mera, the posts that I removed were two posts of yours. Please know that we may report any posts with serious threats of suicide to the proper authorities, as per our rules.
Our members have been very helpful and compassionate in their responses and none of those posts have been removed.
Our members have been very helpful and compassionate in their responses and none of those posts have been removed.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
Hey Mera, you can get to that happy place once again, when I was rebuilding my life it was one small step at a time, but eventually the small steps added up.
Most of us have been in that place when it feels like there is no light at the end of the tunnel, but I assure you there is always hope, no matter if it feels like it or not, if you need help and support then get it, do whats needed to be done to get yourself to that happier place and away from all the pain and misery you're currently feeling.
SR is always in your corner!!
Most of us have been in that place when it feels like there is no light at the end of the tunnel, but I assure you there is always hope, no matter if it feels like it or not, if you need help and support then get it, do whats needed to be done to get yourself to that happier place and away from all the pain and misery you're currently feeling.
SR is always in your corner!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: middle of nowhere
Posts: 2,849
Originally Posted by ScottFromWI 
If you are truly wanting to look out for your kids you will call someone immediately and get checked in someplace where you can recieve the treatment you so desparately need. You've had multiple blackout binges in the past few weeks and you are not capable of even taking care of yourself, much less children. Your drunken threads here may seem therapeutic at the time, but you need help far above and beyond what an online forum can provide at this time.
and whatever things we try and work out internally when we are still under the influence of alcohol is useless, as alcohol is such a huge part of the problem when it comes to mental health. Get thee to detox and treatment darling.
The fastest way to break the cycle and take back some control is to reach out IN REAL TIME for help.
I'm thinking of you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
Well this is how it went. My boyfriend came over and found me drunk. I was feeling horrible and wanted to talk about "the crisis". He instead yelled at me for being drunk (rightfully so) and left. My sons's father arrived with my boys and saw me drunk amd in need. He brought me into my bedroom and let me cry for my issue. He then asked me if I was capable for caring for the kids amd I said I was (and I was) but I preferred if he would take them for the night. The soccer game at 9am has been cancelled due to the weather. I cried and cried and cried to my ex. He was super. He saw my need and took the kids. I got it together and kissed them, they were hapypy and ok, then when they left I let myself go crazy. I feel like the worst mother ever, but at least they have a great papa.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: middle of nowhere
Posts: 2,849
That is great to hear. I'm so glad he could take them and help you out.
Now would be a great time to pick up the phone and call someone. Your children are safe, do you have a friend who could maybe help get you to the doctor or hospital?
You really need to get help my friend. Trust me, I was you last year this time. Even if you think the kids are ok and happy, they still very much feel it.
Do they have addictions counsellors in your area?? I believe it's something you should look into.
Now would be a great time to pick up the phone and call someone. Your children are safe, do you have a friend who could maybe help get you to the doctor or hospital?
You really need to get help my friend. Trust me, I was you last year this time. Even if you think the kids are ok and happy, they still very much feel it.
Do they have addictions counsellors in your area?? I believe it's something you should look into.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,886
Originally Posted by HeartsAfire
Please, Mera, I know it's difficult, but you are not scum. You are not terrible. You are not worthless.
We are the same - 2 people affected by the same disease.
You are just as deserving as I am of success.
It is achievable.
You deserve it.
You are loving.
You are kind.
You are helpful.
You are strong.
You are a great mother.
You are beautiful.
You are light.
I'll always be here for you.
We are the same - 2 people affected by the same disease.
You are just as deserving as I am of success.
It is achievable.
You deserve it.
You are loving.
You are kind.
You are helpful.
You are strong.
You are a great mother.
You are beautiful.
You are light.
I'll always be here for you.
Every word is true.
All of us here see you as a wonderful person who has been through some very difficult times lately.
Cherish your loveliness, your kindness, your motherhood; recognize the sum of your shining goodness and vow to love and live in its beauty.
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
“In life man commits himself and draws his own portrait, outside of which there is nothing. No doubt this thought may seem harsh to someone who has not made a success of his life. But on the other hand, it helps people to understand that reality alone counts, and that dreams, expectations and hopes only serve to define a man as a broken dream, aborted hopes, and futile expectations.”
― Jean-Paul Sartre, Existentialism Is a Humanism
We need to take you seriously, Mera.
Don’t kill yourself. It’s a bad trade that benefits no one and hurts many.
The inherent failure in drinking is that everything that ails us when we’re sober is still there when we put down the drink. For the little time that the world does not exist for us (while drinking) in the way it usually does, with its withering attacks on our will to live and its sometimes overwhelming disappointments, we are also no longer free to live as we wish to live. Good for them, the people who experience such exquisite joy in distracting themselves from their suffering, though the bill to be paid for doing so -- and it always has to be paid -- is often beyond their means.
If the goal of life is to avoid suffering, then we are ill-suited for this world. We waste our lives in being anxious about the future, about uncertainty, when the only certainty is death. I find comfort in not knowing, granting me, as it does, the leisure to believe that things are possible. I cannot live and remove myself from now. For the sane among us, contemplating suicide is temporary solace from everything that we believe the world has done to us. A fanciful respite from a meaningless existence that demands meaning. It’s a safety valve that allows us to believe that the world as we know it will no longer exist for us. Yet the choice is irrevocable and the potential suffering unknown.
I did not only contemplate taking my own life during my relapse; I planned it meticulously but without, apparently, the necessary conviction. I scouted out tall buildings with the intention of taking a final leap of faith. In the post-9/11 world, this was no easy task. Yet I was hardly inclined to scale the George Washington Bridge. I was in no position to purchase a handgun, and also imagined what my life would be like had literally jumping or pumping lead into my brain failed, leaving me paralyzed or brain-dead. Maybe both?
I settled on booze and an overdose of a variety of pills, both of which I had on hand. I was, at the time, quite drunk most of the time, lazy at committing the final act of life, and drawn to the hopefully painless effects of swallowing something I crafted on my own. In the privacy of my own bedroom. I wept while saying my good-byes to Petey, my cat. (His sister, Sophie, had succumbed to old age and disease six months before.) I afterwards committed to eternal sleep (or so I hoped), wondering why “RIP” had become synonymous with death. After all, if I could rest in peace, I wouldn’t need to kill myself. I woke up between eighteen or thirty-something hours later, in my darkened room, at first imagining (hoping?) I’d driven myself to hell. I was both right and wrong. Research demonstrates that most people who did not succeed at killing themselves were glad they did. Whether it takes a day, a month, a year or more to come to that conclusion is irrelevant, given that they lived long enough to know it. I’m one of them.
In the days following my attempt, I felt more alive than I had for a very long time (as much as this was possible while I was still drinking ‘round-the-clock) and, in my opinion, because I’d expected to die. I’m not at all recommending a suicide attempt or gesture in order to “feel good.” So many “suicidal gestures” end with an unintended death. Besides, there are better ways to surrender to the inevitability of living life until it’s natural end. There was also an uncomfortably distracting edge to my distorted (only to a sane person) feeling of well-being, and I eventually dragged myself to detox a few weeks after the event.
Perhaps I just lacked the courage to make another attempt or to make certain that my first attempt would take. To be, or not to be? I was tired and afraid of living, and scared of dying. Something needed to be done, and I chose to seek help, though the meaning of my "choice" was much more about my inability to do one thing or another, rather than a commitment to one among many options.
You don’t need to be perfect at being a mother, homemaker, businesswoman, wife/partner or anything else to be happy in life. And certainly not all at once. The idea of “living up to (all) our potential” is something we tell ourselves we need to do in order to live a good life, a setup to fall short of our own expectations in order to evade what life has in store for us. Freedom triggers the most intense anxiety in most of us, so we avoid it by attempting to become what we are not, what we think we should be. I don’t exactly know what happiness is, but playing a role or roles in order to satisfy an illusion of success is not it. (And, I believe, we then consign other people in our lives to roles that we need them to play, often without their consent.)
There were times in my life when I didn’t know when I was happy, so resigned as I was to living a life without purpose. In other instances, I confused momentary feelings of euphoria for happiness, and paid dearly for attempting to recreate those moments in exactly the same way. I’m now happy in anticipating a good night’s sleep, regretting when I wake up from it, but ready to live another day. At least most days. Reading a good book for me is like dining in one of the finest restaurants that Paris has to offer. I eat slowly, taking in the aroma and the taste, the atmosphere and the place, and always leaving both satisfied and wanting more.
It was Sartre who said that life begins on the other side of despair. Don’t sell yourself short. Too many of us were conditioned to believe that a good life is a life with little or no suffering. That the best we can hope for is a comfortable bed and something to eat. That if we achieve success in things that are external/objective to our being (money, fame, “stability”), then we have lived a good life. There is not always enough room in these requirements for who we are as human beings and how we contributed to the welfare of other people. It’s a tremendous responsibility to be who we are, and that’s only one reason why so many of us run from it. The running may not kill us, but the destination, one way or another, most certainly will.
“The Expulsion from Paradise is eternal in its principal aspect: this makes it irrevocable, and our living in this world inevitable, but the eternal nature of the process has the effect that not only could we remain forever in Paradise, but that we are currently there, whether we know it or not.”
― Franz Kafka
― Jean-Paul Sartre, Existentialism Is a Humanism
We need to take you seriously, Mera.
Don’t kill yourself. It’s a bad trade that benefits no one and hurts many.
The inherent failure in drinking is that everything that ails us when we’re sober is still there when we put down the drink. For the little time that the world does not exist for us (while drinking) in the way it usually does, with its withering attacks on our will to live and its sometimes overwhelming disappointments, we are also no longer free to live as we wish to live. Good for them, the people who experience such exquisite joy in distracting themselves from their suffering, though the bill to be paid for doing so -- and it always has to be paid -- is often beyond their means.
If the goal of life is to avoid suffering, then we are ill-suited for this world. We waste our lives in being anxious about the future, about uncertainty, when the only certainty is death. I find comfort in not knowing, granting me, as it does, the leisure to believe that things are possible. I cannot live and remove myself from now. For the sane among us, contemplating suicide is temporary solace from everything that we believe the world has done to us. A fanciful respite from a meaningless existence that demands meaning. It’s a safety valve that allows us to believe that the world as we know it will no longer exist for us. Yet the choice is irrevocable and the potential suffering unknown.
I did not only contemplate taking my own life during my relapse; I planned it meticulously but without, apparently, the necessary conviction. I scouted out tall buildings with the intention of taking a final leap of faith. In the post-9/11 world, this was no easy task. Yet I was hardly inclined to scale the George Washington Bridge. I was in no position to purchase a handgun, and also imagined what my life would be like had literally jumping or pumping lead into my brain failed, leaving me paralyzed or brain-dead. Maybe both?
I settled on booze and an overdose of a variety of pills, both of which I had on hand. I was, at the time, quite drunk most of the time, lazy at committing the final act of life, and drawn to the hopefully painless effects of swallowing something I crafted on my own. In the privacy of my own bedroom. I wept while saying my good-byes to Petey, my cat. (His sister, Sophie, had succumbed to old age and disease six months before.) I afterwards committed to eternal sleep (or so I hoped), wondering why “RIP” had become synonymous with death. After all, if I could rest in peace, I wouldn’t need to kill myself. I woke up between eighteen or thirty-something hours later, in my darkened room, at first imagining (hoping?) I’d driven myself to hell. I was both right and wrong. Research demonstrates that most people who did not succeed at killing themselves were glad they did. Whether it takes a day, a month, a year or more to come to that conclusion is irrelevant, given that they lived long enough to know it. I’m one of them.
In the days following my attempt, I felt more alive than I had for a very long time (as much as this was possible while I was still drinking ‘round-the-clock) and, in my opinion, because I’d expected to die. I’m not at all recommending a suicide attempt or gesture in order to “feel good.” So many “suicidal gestures” end with an unintended death. Besides, there are better ways to surrender to the inevitability of living life until it’s natural end. There was also an uncomfortably distracting edge to my distorted (only to a sane person) feeling of well-being, and I eventually dragged myself to detox a few weeks after the event.
Perhaps I just lacked the courage to make another attempt or to make certain that my first attempt would take. To be, or not to be? I was tired and afraid of living, and scared of dying. Something needed to be done, and I chose to seek help, though the meaning of my "choice" was much more about my inability to do one thing or another, rather than a commitment to one among many options.
You don’t need to be perfect at being a mother, homemaker, businesswoman, wife/partner or anything else to be happy in life. And certainly not all at once. The idea of “living up to (all) our potential” is something we tell ourselves we need to do in order to live a good life, a setup to fall short of our own expectations in order to evade what life has in store for us. Freedom triggers the most intense anxiety in most of us, so we avoid it by attempting to become what we are not, what we think we should be. I don’t exactly know what happiness is, but playing a role or roles in order to satisfy an illusion of success is not it. (And, I believe, we then consign other people in our lives to roles that we need them to play, often without their consent.)
There were times in my life when I didn’t know when I was happy, so resigned as I was to living a life without purpose. In other instances, I confused momentary feelings of euphoria for happiness, and paid dearly for attempting to recreate those moments in exactly the same way. I’m now happy in anticipating a good night’s sleep, regretting when I wake up from it, but ready to live another day. At least most days. Reading a good book for me is like dining in one of the finest restaurants that Paris has to offer. I eat slowly, taking in the aroma and the taste, the atmosphere and the place, and always leaving both satisfied and wanting more.
It was Sartre who said that life begins on the other side of despair. Don’t sell yourself short. Too many of us were conditioned to believe that a good life is a life with little or no suffering. That the best we can hope for is a comfortable bed and something to eat. That if we achieve success in things that are external/objective to our being (money, fame, “stability”), then we have lived a good life. There is not always enough room in these requirements for who we are as human beings and how we contributed to the welfare of other people. It’s a tremendous responsibility to be who we are, and that’s only one reason why so many of us run from it. The running may not kill us, but the destination, one way or another, most certainly will.
“The Expulsion from Paradise is eternal in its principal aspect: this makes it irrevocable, and our living in this world inevitable, but the eternal nature of the process has the effect that not only could we remain forever in Paradise, but that we are currently there, whether we know it or not.”
― Franz Kafka
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 507
Hi Mera,
I'm really, really hoping you're reading this in the morning, which means you stopped drinking and went to bed.
From all the replies on here, you can see how much everyone here cares about you, and wants to help you to get through this difficult time.
At the moment, you appear to be trapped in a vicious circle. You are dealing with a lot of issues in your life right now, which alcohol is clearly making much, much worse. Most importantly, it damages how you see yourself. When you drink, the language you use about yourself is simply shocking. You would never treat anyone else on here like you treat yourself. Never. With everyone else your posts are full of compassion and understanding. But every time you drink like this, the abuse you heap on yourself, the threats you make to yourself, are cruel and unrelenting. And it sounds like one of the reasons you drink is because of that self-loathing you feel. So the cycle keeps repeating itself.
So I just want to add my voice to the others you've heard here. Please, find a way to get the help you need to break this cycle. To go somewhere with medical supervision where there's no access to alcohol at all, and people you can talk to about the other issues you're facing. Maybe your new Psychiatrist can make suggestions? It sounds like Soberwolf has sent you numbers you could try? If those options cost money you don't have, your ex has seen you at your worst and surely would do anything to help the mother of his children through this very rough time. I know I would if I was him.
It's frustrating for all of us that there's so little we can do to help, but I can't tell you how happy I would feel if you posted in the morning that you've finally made those calls to start the process of getting the real help you need.
I'm really, really hoping you're reading this in the morning, which means you stopped drinking and went to bed.
From all the replies on here, you can see how much everyone here cares about you, and wants to help you to get through this difficult time.
At the moment, you appear to be trapped in a vicious circle. You are dealing with a lot of issues in your life right now, which alcohol is clearly making much, much worse. Most importantly, it damages how you see yourself. When you drink, the language you use about yourself is simply shocking. You would never treat anyone else on here like you treat yourself. Never. With everyone else your posts are full of compassion and understanding. But every time you drink like this, the abuse you heap on yourself, the threats you make to yourself, are cruel and unrelenting. And it sounds like one of the reasons you drink is because of that self-loathing you feel. So the cycle keeps repeating itself.
So I just want to add my voice to the others you've heard here. Please, find a way to get the help you need to break this cycle. To go somewhere with medical supervision where there's no access to alcohol at all, and people you can talk to about the other issues you're facing. Maybe your new Psychiatrist can make suggestions? It sounds like Soberwolf has sent you numbers you could try? If those options cost money you don't have, your ex has seen you at your worst and surely would do anything to help the mother of his children through this very rough time. I know I would if I was him.
It's frustrating for all of us that there's so little we can do to help, but I can't tell you how happy I would feel if you posted in the morning that you've finally made those calls to start the process of getting the real help you need.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 545
Mera, you have to do more than what you are doing now. Because nothing is working. You are suicidal and if you don't lose your life you are going to lose your kids. You have so many opportunities. A boyfriend that cares and an ex husband that will take your kids while you get long term help. Take advantage of that. Others don't have the opportunity. You are still young. Seize it. You know it will only get worse and it is bad now.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,129
Hi Mera,
I'm thinking of you. I wish I had the magic words that would help you not be so hard on yourself. I wish I had them for myself as well.
I'm sending you love, light and stability in my most fervent far reaching great vibes and magic juju.
You're wonderful, Mera. Stick with us. Tell us about the help and rest you're getting.
Love from Chicago!
xoxo
I'm thinking of you. I wish I had the magic words that would help you not be so hard on yourself. I wish I had them for myself as well.
I'm sending you love, light and stability in my most fervent far reaching great vibes and magic juju.
You're wonderful, Mera. Stick with us. Tell us about the help and rest you're getting.
Love from Chicago!
xoxo
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
I'm here. Trying to sleep. All alcohol is gone. Tomorrow I'll wake and make some phone calls. I'm mortified to have come so low but I have to accept who and what I've become. It's 3:30 am now, not much to do now but try and sleep. Thank you everyone. Really and truly, thank you.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
