Meraviglioso

Thanks Dee. No, nothing in particular. I just know that we addicts get to the point where it is like "here we go again...." and it is difficult to believe that this time will be the time until we really show that through our actions. The proof is in the pudding, you know?

I'll have to google that article about Phillip Seymour Hoffman, it was stunningly accurate.

Meraviglioso

Here you go. https://lareviewofbooks.org/essay/ph...-quittings-end

This is the part that really hits me:
"It’s just too embarrassing to admit you did it anyway. Again.

There are limits to empathy. Every addict lives in fear of reaching them.

In an old episode of The West Wing, Aaron Sorkin — no stranger to addiction — writes a scene in which Leo McGarry, the recovering alcoholic turned White House Chief of Staff, explains why he didn’t tell anyone the second time he took up drinking. “I went to rehab. My friends embraced me when I got out,” he says. “You relapse — it’s not like that. Get away from me, that’s what it’s like.” There are only so many times you can be forgiven for the same thing.

We love redemption stories. We love watching characters brought low by affliction fight their way to glory. We love watching their struggle and their doubts; hey, we’ll even indulge a few second-act screw-ups. But there’s a limit to the repetition we’ll allow. How many do-overs is too many do-overs? When do we get frustrated and bored? Is it five? Ten? Twelve? When does that moment come when even those who know better write off a former friend as a screw-up, consigned to a bed of their own making?

It’s a vicious irony, but the terror of that moment doesn’t stop people from relapsing. Addicts live with that fear, reminders or not. All the head shaking does is make addicts fear admitting that they’re back to square one, from seeking help this time around.

It’s a paralytic mixture of embarrassment and fear. The pressure cripples you. It’s crippled me. I spent the autumn of 2012 snorting painkillers, convinced that somehow this was the only thing preventing a full relapse. I never told anyone till now. You just don’t want to see the way that mouth forms around the word “Again?” And I’m only an ordinary, private addict — how much worse must it be for someone like Hoffman, who knows full well that another stint in rehab would curry a whole world asking why he doesn’t know better by now?"

Dee74

I mention it often enough but maybe you haven;t seen it before - I struggled to quit for 15 years before I finally did Mera.

Drinking was heart and soul to me its was my meat and drink and my solution to everything.

It's a miracle I made it out, let alone made it out with so few battle scars.

Already you are streets ahead of where I was.

Be kind to yourself

D

Meraviglioso

Thanks Dee, those words mean a lot. I benefit a lot from the support here and thrive most when i hear success stories like that.
I'm still waiting for my doctor to call but getting through my day. I'm powering through the first tough witching hour which is the 11-13 time frame. So many folks down at the bar. Thing is most of them just stop for one before heading to lunch and back to work. I'm keeping busy by switching back from SR to my work email. I'm going to clean the house soon. You could eat off the floors in here as much as I've been cleaning lately...

melki

Mera, I hope my words didn't hurt or offend. I think the part about taking care of kids came out wrong. I went back to edit but it was too late. I'm so sorry if it came out judgey!

I do believe in you.

tokidoki

((Mera)))

I read this thread last night and have been thin(king about you every since...

Too many things you are saying resonate with me and my experience to not say anything...

I think I mentioned it before, but I lived in another country (Japan) for many years. At one point I fell into a depression that got so bad I had 'ideations'. With the intensive help of an *American* psychiatrist in Tokyo, I was able to climb away from the abyss. I was very lucky to find that particular shrink. (Alas, the drinking came later...)

A few years previous to that, my mentor and best expat friend had also fallen into a deep depression and actually acted out on her ideations. It was only through the heroic, split-second actions of a guardian angel (in the guise of a Japanese businessman) that she is still with us.

I remember my then husband and I discussing 'A' before this happened. We knew something wasn't right with her, but we didn't understand how much pain she was in. XH said something like- "I seems like A is way too hard on herself. It's almost as if she thinks she she has to be the perfect Japanese (wife) and mother. Doesn't she realize that there's not a single *Japanese* woman who is a perfect (wife) and mother?"

After the suicide attempt, A's husband rallied the troops and A went back to the States for several months, with the kids, and got the necessary help and rest.

I'm sharing this because I know what I would say if I were your expat friend sitting with you there in Tuscany. It would go something like this: "Mera honey, I can't stand to see you like this. I'm going to miss you for awhile but you know what you gotta do? You need a break and to work on your recovery. I'll go down with you to get some medical travel insurance. Your XH is a good guy and he'll help you to make the necessary arrangements for you and the kids, so you can go back to the States few months and get some R & R and serious help. In the meantime, please keep getting all the help you can here..."

I hope you take this in the spirit it is intended.
Because I know I would be that butt-in-ski friend.
Take care of yourself!

Hawkeye13

You haven't alienated me Mera--I'd still like to be your friend.
You are in a tough spot right now--but you can get through it.

Sounds like you are taking some great proactive steps.
I want to encourage you to follow up on the rowing.
I think the group activity and exercise would be a terrific way
to get out and among people in a non-drinking environment.
Besides, rowing on a lake in Pisa? I imagine it would be so beautiful.
Can you post a photo of it when you go to check it out?
I enjoy seeing where you live.
Such a beautiful part of the world.

Meraviglioso

I will Hawkeye. I hope they have something for beginners. I'm pretty strong and have endurance but I've never done it before, I am sure there is a lot of technique to it. Strangely enough I also very much enjoy mowing the grass, sweeping the floor and mopping the floor- must be something about the back and forth motion that appeals to me!
Melki, thank you for your continued support- here and everywhere, it means so much to me.
Tokidoki, I am sorry to hear about your friend but relieved to hear she got help. I am not sure if a couple of months is feasible but will look into extending my trip to also include some sort of English language treatment. Thank you for writing.

OpenTuning

Hi Mera,

I was away from the computer for a couple of days, but have been thinking about you throughout, and am so happy that you've called your Psychiatrist, and are actively exploring ways to break this cycle.

I just wanted to say that you are all of those positive things you describe in that quote. You really are. That shines through in your posts on here. Just look at everyone here who want to be there for you. You are not being judged, and yes, we've read everything you've written.

The only person who you aren't a good friend to, though, is yourself. It feels like you need to live your life by a reverse Golden Rule. Do unto yourself, as you would do unto others. If you catch yourself swearing at yourself, or calling yourself a failure, maybe ask if you'd say or feel those same things about anyone else on these forums. Yes, you're someone who needs help. Who has issues you need to deal with. But hands up everyone on here who doesn't? Anyone? Anyone? I know I'm living in a glass house and am in no position to throw stones at anybody.

Anyway, it's great to read the positive steps you're taking today to get your life together, but please keep pushing hard for those big steps. A tidy house, and exercise is great, but it does feel like it's going to take a lot more than that to really turn things around for you.

Verte

Hi Mera,

Just a quick note to say that I believe in you as well. I truly do.

Look for 8 women's sweep rowing. All 8 work as a team to share the load and carry it together. Everyone counts. Everyone has something to offer and contributes to staying afloat.

Big hugs to you.

MariahGayle

Have been thinking of you Mera...Hugs, Love & Strength to you.