Originally Posted by
Meraviglioso 
I feel that way, i really do. I DO NOT want alcohol in my house. I'd like to say I am strong enough to handle it but I am not, I just can't deal with it. I am so frustrated that this simple wish cannot be respected.
I started smoking again. Horrible. I was doing so well and it also helped with dealing with alcohol as the two went hand in hand. But with the stress I recently faced I gave in and started smoking. Anyway, neither here nor there.... I went today to the bar to buy cigarettes. I saw some totally random people who made me feel worthwhile and whole and I had a glass of wine. I immediately regretted it and came home. The road home is really short, maybe a kilometre or two, but it is very narrow and curvy. I came across a car who took a wide turn at a curve and I had to swerve wide to avoid it. I saw the drop off and at the next turn I had the feeling that I just wanted to drive off the cliff and die. This scared me. I sometimes do feel like I want to die but I'd never do that to my kids. I want to be alive and be a good mother to them. But this brief flash of almost doing it really frightened me.
In my case, that simple wish
is respected because
I make it that way. This is my home and if you can't visit me without alcohol, then you don't have to come here. It's up to me to set my boundaries of what I will and won't tolerate. I prefer not to be around alcohol so I'm not. Simple but not easy if I'm more concerned about offending others. It's the same as if I were still a smoker and people didn't allow smoking in their home. I would respect that without any problem.
Those thoughts of ending it came to me once while walking across a bridge; something started telling me to just climb up on the railing and just step off. It frightened me enough that I called my husband and talked to him until I was across on the other side.
I've been through periodic depressions, but in my case many of them were because I needed to pay attention to something in my life that was causing that sense of hopelessness and sadness. For me, it's a sign that something either needs to be accepted or changed. The depression came from my feeling like I was unable to do either.
Hang on and keep thinking of all the reasons you
do want to be here. You know the people here all understand. You sound like a beautiful person with a gentle spirit.